Ye Lights of Evening Find a Voice...

on Pinterest and graduating.

2011-12-17T09:57:00.000-07:00

why i thought i could hide from the Pinterest and Spotify movements, i am not sure. regardless, i indulge in both on a daily basis these days. here are a few of my favorite Pinterest finds within the last few days:

yep, Pinterest gives me hope that others out there want the same hilarious and beautiful life that i do. maybe we can all make it happen together.

in other news...

God has been cleaning my heart out lately with quality music (thank you Spotify) and relationships. the feeling can be compared to a burning mouthful of Listerine during a particularly groggy morning...it's wonderful, it's unsettling, it awakens.

i feel hyper-aware of who i am, both the crappy parts and the decent parts.

graduating college has led everyone around me to ask what i'm going to do for the rest of my life. i usually give my schpeal about Student Staff and grad school and a future career after that.

but none of those things are guaranteed. and none of those things guarantee a satisfying life, either. so here are the things i want to do the rest of my life, no matter what circumstances they happen under:

i want to laugh everyday for the rest of my life.

i want to learn something new everyday for the rest of my life.

i want to grow into a healthier person everyday for the rest of my life.

i want to lead to the best of my ability everyday for the rest of my life.

i want to love people like Christ does everyday for the rest of my life.

i want to die to myself everyday for the rest of my life.

those are my life goals, and they're all pretty tall orders. but that's the point.

time to start the day. love you all!

Falling slowly...

2011-11-18T12:52:00.001-07:00

i love the Fall.

i need to end up somewhere that loves the Fall too...where the trees give into their seasonal death and carpet the ground with their crunchy leaves. where sweaters aren't just a nice idea, but are necessary for warmth. where contractors build with bricks and construction workers pave roads around the trees.

yep.

in other news, this semester is kicking my rear-end in a lot of dumb and great and beautiful ways. it's like a diet version of my internship, haha.

school feels like it will never end, and that i have fifteen more exams in each class to stress about until i'm outta there. being on Younglife staff feels like an adventure that i'm figuring out as i go, and it's scary and real and wonderful. my family and friends are making/planning/dreaming crazy changes that will inevitably alter life as i personally know it, and that feels particularly bittersweet.

we are the current residents of the Pontiac household.

Sarah has been there four years, i have been there three years, Blair has been there almost two years, and Katherine has been there a few months.

roommates have come, gone, and stuck around during the three years i've been here, and it has been a journey that has healed me to deeper depths than i thought i even needed.

i know beyond a shadow of a doubt that these will be days to cherish the rest of my life.

i thank my God every time i remember you.

so that's life for now. i'll keep you posted on my adventures in choosing a grad school as i visit them and seek His voice about where to go. :)

Happy Weekend to all.

Katelyn's Favorite Things.

2011-10-25T16:09:00.001-07:00

fun blog! fun for me, at least. :) here are a few of my favorite things as of late. unfortunately, most of them are not cheap buy-on-the-fly type of favorite things. most of them i don't own, and feel FREE to tuck these away in your memory as Christmas, my college graduation, and my birthday approach... :P

beach cruisers. i especially love this color...minty green turquoisey teal. :)

these specific Ralph Lauren sunglasses in this specific color. i would treat them as carefully as my phone because they're essPENsive, but they had me at hello. there's no turning back.

these Barnes & Noble bookends. SO precious, and my books tend to flop over on my book shelf. i can't stop smiling at them!

this specific collection of classics that Barnes & Noble sells in their leatherbound classic series of books. they're all beautiful, and i don't own any of them except the Jane Austen volumes. they're so prettyyyyy.

bomber jackets. this one is from Target, and is probably one of the lesser expensive of my favorite things, haha. i think with the right scarf and blouse, this will look more chic than biker. that would be my hope, anyway. heh.

boots! i know these are mix-match, and i don't know where they're from, but i LAWF them. see you in my futurrrrre!

that's all for now.

peace and blessin's, peace and blessin's.

keep the earth below my feet

2011-10-09T00:06:00.001-07:00

this is what life looks like right now.

the path is laid out before me, but the journey looks both intriguing and freaky. but i am thankful to not be alone in this initial phase of the walk. :)

being on staff with Younglife is no piece of cake. t'is not for the faint-hearted. it's a marathon that requires almost everything you've got on almost every level. i love it, but i'm already exhausted.

this is my last semester of classes before i graduate. four classes at West and an online class through Rio Salado. i know i can do it, but the hardest part is finding the motivation to want to do it. i could get myself freaked out at the thought of not being able to graduate in 10 weeks to find motivation to succeed, but that just stressed me out and gets me nowhere. i'm trudging along alright, but it's painful.

in a few differing circumstances, God is stretching me with personalities/worldviews that conflict with mine. i'm usually someone open to new types of people, but for some reason these particular individuals get under my skin and crawl around for awhile. i think my processing of what being Christlike toward them looks like is His way of training me to stand on my two feet in love and respect, rather than the anger and arrogance i am prone to stand on. i'm thankful, but it sucks.

to sum up life in this moment, all you have to do is read the last sentences of the previous three paragraphs.

life = i love it, but i'm already exhausted

life = i'm trudging along alright, but it's painful

life = i'm thankful, but it sucks

so proceeds the bittersweetness of living. ;)

let this thought soothe you, wherever you're at today:

keep the earth below my feet

for all my sweat, my blood runs weak

let me learn from where i have been

keep my eyes discerned, my hands to learn

seasons and Seattle.

2011-10-03T02:06:00.000-07:00

a lot is happening.

it almost feels like my heart is packing its bags and moving to a new neighborhood to build a new life.

maybe i'm subconsciously going with the flow of the seasonal change...who knows.

but God is moving. and it hurts and it excites and it frees and it binds me up.

i'm facing age-old problems in my heart in entirely new ways, with the help of those who have gone before me.

everything i've learned seems to have been leading up to this; facing failure, how to completely surrender, where to put my self-worth, how to untangle the unhealthy relationships in my life, all of it. all of it to face this monster of a mountain in my life.

i may have made the biggest mistake of my life six years ago. the idea of that has haunted me since the sleepless night after i made it. i've alluded to it before and i'm doing so again. because this entire time, i've been trying to convince myself that it wasn't a mistake. i did what i needed to do. it wasn't a mistake. it wasn't a mistake.

i think i've come to a place in my heart to be able to face the question...what if i totally blew it?

what if i missed out on something that could have been absolutely wonderful?

i think i've come to a place in my soul to be able to comprehend the truth...that God can redeem anything. even a mistake detrimental to my heart.

that's just a taste of what's coming. :)

alright it's official. there's a third grad program in the running for next fall:

Seattle Pacific University - Seattle, WA

it's been recommended a few times and it has everything on paper that i'm looking for...so...it's an option. :)

stay tuned.

wants and fears and maybes.

2011-09-16T02:22:00.000-07:00

this is going to be a frank blog.

sometimes all i want is this:

and then i'll get over it and convince myself that i want to do more with my life before settling down. so i'll want these:

then i'll find more important priorities for this moment in my life and, instead, want this:

and ALWAYS, in my heart of hearts, wanting to BE this:

and when that doesn't work out, and i'm trying to feel good about where exactly i'm at in this world and in my life, i want all of this:

and as i try to accumulate all my desires and it slowly but surely reveals itself to be unsatisfactory, i'm wanting this again to find some peace:

and the entire thing becomes a cycle.

it is a cycle of want, want, want, want, want, i, i, i, i, i, i, i.

i somehow get caught up in the assumption that this life is my own, that this life is my blank canvas to splatter whatever paint i'd like on it. i am enchanted with "adventure" and "beauty" and "art" and my days are consumed with ideas on how to get all of those things. i spend most of my free time, money, and effort pursuing any/all of those images of happiness.

because all of that equals a significant life in my human mind.

because if any of that is missing in my life, and i live a life of wanting/loving it without having it, and others see me without it and assume that it was never a goal/love of mine, then they may not know me. and all i want in this world is to be known.

there's the fear. there's the adrenaline behind the gigantic, tangled chase that i constantly find myself in. the fear of being insignificant, overlooked, and therefore unwanted.

if you've read my blog AT ALL, you should guess where i'm going to say the calming of this fear is found.

in His arms.

when i let go of those wants, of those dreams, of those fears, He fills me up and offers what i need. and really, desires are only avenues through which we believe our needs will be met.

maybe my life can be all that it could be without any of those pictures being a reality for me.

maybe, just maybe, He really is enough.

"i've got a sweeter song than the birds in the trees."

2011-09-05T23:44:00.000-07:00

i just watched Father of the Bride with Blair, and i was reminded that the song "My Girl" was constantly in it. i love that song...since my birthday is in May, i feel like it could easily be about me ("when it's cold outside, i've got the month of May...") to someone someday. har har har :P

my last semester of undergraduate school is feeling LONG. i'm only two weeks into this? i'm sure i'll be thinking the exact opposite come December. "IT'S ALREADY OVER?!?!" yep, just you wait.

well i've been researching grad schools like crazy, and only two have shined through as legitimate options. my standards were Christian schools that had a Masters program for Family and Marriage Therapy. and the finalists are:

Fuller Theological Seminary - Pasadena, CA

that's a picture of their Prayer Garden. SURE. i've never visited the campus, but southern California has a special place in my heart. they have year-long housing less than a mile from campus. so this would be me living my life:

and then there's:

George Fox University - Portland, OR

the Portland center is just a building, so it wasn't worth a picture of the actual building. THIS is the city it is in. i visited Portland with my dad a few years ago and it felt like just right amount of quirk and cool for me. it constantly rains and is cold, so this would be me everyday:

am i choosing between the two based on how i'd look being there? i wish. but God doesn't exactly go off of aesthetics like i sometimes wish. ;) but both of them have the degree program i'm looking for, both of them are going to be expensive, and the lifestyle they'd both offer appeal to me greatly.

God hasn't opened a clear and concise door to either of them.

so maybe i'm staying put for awhile.

i have eight months to process it. until then, i'll soak in all that i can of Phoenix, of working for Younglife, of my classes, and of my cherished community here. i'll (do my best to) soak in THE MOMENT.

my dog is quietly chewing a mysterious entity. i must investigate.

see ya!

at the end of all things.

2011-08-16T23:29:00.003-07:00

my laptop has 69% of its battery remaining, and that's about how much energy my body has as well. let's see how far it gets me.

my internship ended two days ago, along with my summer.

i think what has scared me the most is how easily i slipped back into my life in Phoenix. i didn't realize that i would have to manually apply everything i learned at camp to my life here. it makes sense, but i wasn't expecting that issue i guess.

so what DID i learn at camp, you ask? here's a taste of a few things:

everyone fails. learn from it and move on.
Jesus chooses my ministry, not me.
leaning into discomfort is humbling.
my personality has a significant place in the Kingdom.
sometimes conversations need to happen even if i don't have the entire situation figured out in my head.
prayer effects eternity.
community is give-and-take.
God gives me the desires of my heart as i learn how to want the same things He does.
busyness is not purpose. purpose is not busyness.
everything has a season.
being a woman is difficult but not impossible. i will face the challenge.

the last one is slightly humorous but also pretty legitimate. ask me to elaborate in person and i shall. :)

so begins my life of classes, Student Staff, traveling, and the great unknown of God's will.

i shall begin such a life with BEDTIME. :)

sweetest of dreams to you.

Third Session: power outages and healing.

2011-07-14T15:29:00.005-07:00

here's a fun story worth sharing:

we had a power outage today at 11:50ish. everything went quiet and dark, and we were supposed to be serving lunch at 12:30pm.

six hours earlier at the beginning of the AM shift, John had prayed "God, if anything goes wrong today, please just use it for Your glory."

that was the first thing i thought of when the lights and music went out. how God's weird glory was going to play out.

luckily we had made all the food we needed, it was just a matter of bowling/plating it up and keeping it warm. we stuck the burners we use for buffet lines into our warmers and we became Fridge/Freezer Door Nazis with the Work Crew. :P John and i were working at the stove, using the gas that was still working to finish making hush puppies and special diet meals. we started discussing the possibility of the power outage being caused by a nuclear apocalypse. what if everyone else on the planet was dead, and we were the only community still alive? what if we had to populate the planet again? and here's where it got hilarious and borderline inappropriate...who would our camp spouses be? you can imagine the fervent conversation that came from that one amongst the Summer Staff.

then we started treating the power outage like we were in 300 and we were facing a massive battle. "We will serve in the SHADE!!!" was my favorite line i heard.

well 12:30 came around and we were ready to get going, even if the food was slightly less warm than usual. the Work Crew sang "Wonderwall" on stage as the campers came into the Dining Hall (still bright from all the windows) since the sound system was out, and then they ran back in the dark kitchen to get their trays. it felt just as hectic as it usually does during meal times, but ran just as smoothly. it was precisely at the end of the meal when the power came back on and we all cheered.

i'll never be able to fully understand how God works, but i could feel the teamwork amongst our cook team like never before. we were all thrown into the same circumstance and leaned on each other to make it through. we even had a fun time doing it. i think He worked in us and through us FOR us. i love His quirky style.

He uses strange moments like these to heal my heart in ways i didn't know it needed. today, He reminded me that i am not alone. i've honestly felt desperately alone lately, and it's been a hunger that i haven't known how to stifle or satisfy. how exactly does one "give that to God" in a way that actually leads to peace? every woman i know that feels the same way can testify with me in saying that it is a wrestling match that never truly ends.

but today, He soothed the pain. He gave me a team who had my back and were likeminded in mission and in passion, which is the foundation of any healthy relationship. He made it fun and enjoyable. He made it a learning experience. He brought our differences together and used them to benefit each other.

i was not alone, and i know that if the "ish" ever hits the fan again that i will not be alone. even if all is well for the rest of my life, i will not be alone. not just because He is in me, but because He has graciously given me a vibrant community that keeps growing.

my God is Healer, and today He used a power outage to do it.

it's time to bike ride with my kitchen buddy Mikaela, shower off the nastiness, then go see the final installment of my beloved fantasy series tonight in theatres.

until we meet again. ;)

a garden's thoughts on her Gardener's intentions.

2011-06-29T23:21:00.001-07:00

sometimes i feel like a garden...multi-faceted, colorful, seasonal, never fully seen in one view.

and yet i have rarely felt known in this way.

He is my gardener...even i have difficulty understanding my seasons, my colors, my textures, or the care it takes to tend to it all.

i have been known in one context, but completely misunderstood in another.

some of my colors have been loved while the others have been neglected.

i have been accepted at first sight, only to be rejected as the journey through my garden reveals undesirable traits.

people are flawed, including myself. i get that. but i'm not sure i could ever share my life with a man who couldn't accept or understand my garden to it's fullest. this takes time, effort, and probably a lot of prayer for some insight from the Gardener Himself. who'd do that? would i even want them to?

all i know is that i have felt most known by those who have taught ME about my garden, and have loved the parts God has grown that i tend to avoid or am ashamed of. the relationships that consisted of me explaining my garden all the time have been the easiest to shed, because i was never known and therefore never truly loved.

is it considered "putting up walls" when i reject someone who doesn't show interest in discovering me by his own effort?

is it unrealistic to wait for a man who will tread lightly in wisdom and in prayer through the depths of who i am before saying yes to me and spouting off marriage talk?

is it arrogant to believe that i am worth the time or the pursuit or the hardships that come with a man falling in love with the land that is my soul?

God is my gardener. He created me with care and creativity and mystery. i believe that.

and these have been my late-night thoughts on what to do with such a place. time for bed!

love.

Second Session already?

2011-06-22T20:25:00.001-07:00

i'm almost halfway through this internship. that is unreal. i remember my first day like it was last week.

in ways it is getting easier, in ways it is getting harder.

as God accomplishes His will for growth in practical areas of my life, like shouldering significant responsibilities and gracefully facing failure, He is now moving on to relational areas of growth.

He is closing doors i've never had an issue opening. He is opening doors i didn't even know existed. He is blasting through walls to show me how He doesn't need doors at all.

He is dancing for me, and i have never felt His love like this.

i have seen it before in the beauty of Colorado, where i felt like we were on a five-day date together.

i have heard it before in encouraging words of friends and mentors, where i felt called and lifted up to do things i never imagined i could.

i have felt it before in the truth and majesty of music, where i could dance with Him and give His gift back with my voice.

this is a different love, and it is difficult to describe.

all i know is that He truly is jealous for me in this moment, because every distraction is stifled and removed as my eyes start to wander. i'd be lying if i said being 100% focused on God didn't feel like taking a class or reading a non-fiction book all day. both of those things are wonderful and beneficial, but without breaks it becomes painful. i'm not saying i need a break from God, but all He is challenging me with is beginning to wear on my attitude and heart, and i have begun looking for breaks from that load.

pray that i live in the joy and peace of Christ for awhile. that's on me, not on Him.

hope you all are having summer adventures worth sharing with me later. ;)

on cultivating and grace.

2011-05-30T16:06:00.003-07:00

my soul is being cultivated in this place.

that sounds lovely, right?

this is what you use to cultivate soil:

...it is not lovely.

it hurts. it prunes. it strips down. it disshovels. it is relentless toward areas of my heart that are set in their ways and begging to be left alone.

it means to make use of me, not to make me feel great.

it has my purpose in mind, not my pleasures.

and even though it feels like i hit wall after wall after wall with no breakthrough in sight, i know that i am being cultivated deeper and deeper into my being.

i have a feeling i am going to hit some form of a "rock bottom" in order to learn that i don't need my accomplishments or pleasing attributes to deserve worth or grace or to be wanted. i don't need to be a tan mountain goddess in order to fit in at Lost Canyon. i don't need to be the life of the party in order to be invited to the party. i don't need to be a chef in the making in order to be needed and wanted on Lost Canyon's kitchen staff.

i am not here because i am the most qualified person they could find. i am here because of who i am.

why i'm here = grace

the cultivating of my soul = grace

the pain and hardship that comes with that process = grace

i am here to be smacked in the face with the heart of God. and i am terrified.

i'd be lying if i said i'm not still trying to cling to the habits and thought patterns of my "past"...the me that thinks grace tastes like cherry cough syrup.

i wrote this years ago, and it applies to my life even more so now than it did back then:

"sometimes truth is facing the things we fear the most, only to find that their consequences aren't as devastating as we assumed. and the opposite of fear is love."

so there you have it.

i am safe, but not comfortable.

i am at peace, but not restful.

i am healing, but it is through breaking me down.

life is good, and i shall live it.

i'm off to go shower. thank you all for your support and prayers for me as i walk this narrow path.

the first five days.

2011-05-20T13:37:00.005-07:00

i suck at adding pictures to my blog. they're so time-consuming and i never feel like i take pictures worth the effort. i'll push through one of these days.

i've been at Lost Canyon since Monday, and i already feel like i've been here a month.

my fellow interns and myself are all being super intentional about creating community together. we walk everywhere together, mix up the company so that we're always talking to someone fairly new in the group, and we encourage the crap out of each other in our work...i can't tell you how many of them have called me out by name to thank me for their breakfast or lunch. we've already scratched the surface of life stories and some of us have already cried together about struggles and fears. i can also see the intention in keeping things neutral between the guys and the girls...about 40% of the group is already dating someone anyway. five days and i already have a safe and loving family. what?!

some would say it's the magic of Lost Canyon. others would say it's because we've all gotten in the Summer Staff mentality of "doing life together" while working our @sses off. others might say it's because the Camp Staff did their best to hire the best applicants they received, so we're all bound to be likeable people.

i say it's God stirring up life-change in all of us. sure, that's the more epic and romantic way of looking at the chemistry between us, but you wouldn't believe some of the crazy ways a few of us got here. Sean in the Whistle Stop turned down an internship at Malibu to come here because she had a dream where God told her as clear as day that she needed to be in Arizona for the summer. Allie on the Ropes Course had no idea why she picked Arizona to apply for a Younglife camp position, but she did and now she's here. i was about to go home from visiting Missy in the hospital on New Years Eve when Tracey Beal randomly spouted out that i should apply for an internship again.

those are just a few of the crazy ways God planted the seed inside of all of us to be here in this moment together.

i can't wait to go on this journey with these people.

it's naptime, then shower time, then some sort of community time.

love and miss those of you who aren't here with me!

skeleton bones stand at the sound of eternity on the lips of the found.

2011-05-14T23:41:00.002-07:00

over a month later! sorry, hah.

so i leave my home and my life in 30ish hours for the entire summer to Lost Canyon. it's guaranteed to be a positive experience but that doesn't make it any less daunting.

on top of that, i have quite the future ahead of me once i return.

to be aware that God has been growing you for something is a scary realization.

to be aware that you are ready for something significant is a scary realization.

to be aware that a chapter of your life is ending and another is beginning is a scary realization.

i fade in and out of this fear as i fade in and out of those realizations.

a close friend of mine spoke to me recently about a verse he "couldn't get off of him." i liked that imagery, and i think that led to why i feel the same way about it now. it's Matthew 10:27.

I tell you these things in the dark, but I want you to tell them in the light. What you hear whispered in your ear you should shout from the rooftops.

i know this is the light in which i must speak, and these are the rooftops on which i must shout. because i know that the darkest times of my past were meant for this. His solace for my soul that brought me back to life in those moments were meant for this.

one of my best friends got married yesterday. i saw her go through extreme excitement, then suddenly feel anxious within that excitement, then go back to pure excitement. in the end, she experienced the happiest day of her life thus far. i totally get that.

there will be time to blog.

there will be time to take pictures.

i'll still be here. :)

alright, it's time to start doing laundry for this thing.

thank you all for shaping me into a person worthy of the call. :) love you beyond belief.

personality tests and lies.

2011-04-11T12:58:00.006-07:00

this is the first blog in awhile that hasn't been the result of an insomniac mental trail. hah.

i can't believe we're getting close to being halfway through 2011. years feel shorter as you get older.

but that's beside the point.

this past weekend was Younglife's annual leader retreat, and i could feel the intention and the heart behind everything the adult leaders did with/for us. i even got to lead a section of the day, and what came out of that experience (my own and others') is what will be the focus of this blog.

Beasley showed me a personality test she loves awhile back, and i took it and felt like i was staring at a personalized description of myself when i got the results back. they were scary-accurate. and the best/worst part was that all of my crap and struggles were right there in front of my face, including advice on how to work on them. the analysis section of the test describes how different personalities lead, how they follow, how they handle conflict and how they measure success...EVERYTHING a leadership team needs to know about themselves and each other. i knew the minute that the leadership retreat was being discussed that i needed to pitch the test to the leaders in charge. they loved the idea and let me head it up.

so i typed out the test, administered it to our team, and we discussed what their results meant. there was laughter, there was awe, there was instant vulnerability. here's what happened that i had earnestly prayed for, but still caught me off-guard about when it actually became a reality:

my leaders gracefully entered into their vulnerability, and owned their identity.
my leaders verbally expressed how broken their weaknesses made them feel, and without a second thought, other leaders verbally affirmed wonderful things about that leader that made them a beautiful and necessary asset to our team.
my leaders kept their tests safe, and kept the letters that represented their personalities constantly in conversation (which tells me they were genuinely listening and applying it).
my leaders found new ways to enjoy one another based on their new enlightenment on how that person is wired.
my leaders let me make them feel like crap, and grew from it right before my eyes.
my leaders, in their vulnerability, were leaders.

i have never been so proud of my beautiful team. Christ ALWAYS shows up when you give Him the reigns to a situation.

so that entire weekend experience brought to mind a thought that i've had before about what walking with Christ looks like. it can be extremely easy to view God as the voice in our heads that makes us feel better about ourselves when Satan makes us feel like crap.

YOU'RE UGLY! No you are not, you are My beautiful child.

YOUR WORK ADDS UP TO NOTHING! It adds up to everything, because it is for My powerful will for the world.

YOU'LL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH! I loved you and died for you and chose you before I created the world. You are all I want.

these are classic battles that i've faced and many others seem to have faced as well, and i am in no way saying that these are invalid.

but if you think all God is going to whisper in your ear is stuff that makes you feel better when you feel down about yourself, you've entangled yourself in significant self-deception that is crippling your growth and development.

because Satan's lies aren't all going to hurt your feelings...

LIFE IS WHAT YOU MAKE OF IT! My way is the only way worth following.

DON'T BE FRIENDS WITH PEOPLE WHO HURT YOU! You hurt people too. Forgive.

YOU EARN WHAT YOU GET AND YOU DESERVE WHAT YOU EARN! Everything is a gift from Me.

FOLLOW YOUR HEART! Follow Me, for I know your heart best.

...and God's truths aren't all going to make you feel great. i saw that this weekend. i've also seen friends avoid hard truths because they blindly believe that God's voice is always the one that validates their best qualities. they believe spiritual battles mean that Satan makes you sad and God makes you happy.

that may be one of the worst lies about God i've ever heard, or seen someone believe.

i believe Truth looks a lot like the results from that personality test. here's an example of what my dominant characteristic is described as:

"D" Behavior

Basic Motivation: Challenge and Control

Desires: Freedom from control, authority, varied activities, choices (rather than ultimatums)

Responds Best to Leader or Follower Who: Provides direct answers, sticks to a task, gets to the point, provides pressure, allows freedom for personal accomplishments

Needs to Learn: You need people, relaxation is not a crime, some controls are needed, everyone has a boss, self-control is most important, to focus on finishing well is important, sensitivity to people's feelings is wise.

there it is. Truth.

here's reality, here are your weaknesses that come with that reality, and here are things you can work on to utilize your strengths better.

no fluffy insides, no warm fuzzy feelings, no watered-down abstract "we're all sinners" schpeal on how flaws don't matter.

here's where you are on the map, and here are some steps you can start taking toward growth.

that is so incredibly the voice of God...when you are broken and yet held together with hope from just one sentence, just one truth.

so if you're listening for warm and positive thoughts from God to come your way, i'd have to argue that you aren't seeking Truth. you're seeking endorphines.

depending on the stage of life you're in, you may need to be reminded of God's love a lot more than others, and i understand that.

but i would challenge all of you to think about the last time the voice of God pulled the rug out from under your feet...the last time He revealed your weaknesses and then proceeded to tell you to do even more than you could do when you felt strong...the last time it was God that made you feel like crap.

if it's been awhile, i'd process through why that is.

if it was this weekend up in Flag with me, words can't describe how proud i am of you.

few words could open me; you knew them all.

2011-03-28T22:51:00.003-07:00

it's been awhile since my last blog, it feels.

i can seriously taste profound change coming my way. it's exciting and terrifying and freeing. it has a fight-or-flight feel to it.

some of that is guaranteed with this three-month internship at Lost Canyon coming up soon. my comfort zone will be non-existent and the service i'm doing feels as humble as it could get. i'm thinking i'll gain a courage i've been lacking while losing a pride i've been cultivating. He always knows what i need.

but some of that change is beyond my sight, and it's better that way. my mind has a way of spoiling things that should be left alone. better that things catch me by surprise and sweep me off my feet.

some change that has already come has been in our house. Missy is making the gradual move out of our room into the empty room down the hall, and will stay in there until she makes the final move out of the house into her apartment with David in May. i've shared a room for two years now...having one all to myself is hard to comprehend. but i'm sure my introverted, home-body nature will adapt to it just fine and wonder why i ever shared my nest with anyone ever. :P kidding. Missy made for a great roommate and i'll miss her a lot.

i registered for my last semester of undergrad last week. it's a full load, but i can't believe that i'll have enough knowledge by then to have a degree. people will actually be able to depend on me when i say "stand back ladies and gentlemen, have no fear...the psychologist is here." i'll need to hire someone for fan mail, make arrangements for public addresses, find a body guard...there's so much to do. (insert sitcom laugh) i clearly have more schooling to do before i am considered academically awesome by anyone, but still...undergrad is months from being over? unreal.

on a slightly heavier note, the past few months have been pretty rough for me spiritually. some significant decisions i've made have surfaced and shown how much they truly have reigned my heart...for years. not to get hyper-spiritual about the whole thing, but it really has felt like a battle inside of me between two forces. one tells me that i made a decision a long time ago that has set my path on a course of failure and misery, all thanks to following God. then the other force tells me that i made a decision a long time ago that has saved me from a life of stunted growth and mediocrity, and following God led me to that decision and is now leading me toward a better and more joyful life.

it has not been a battle of emotion. both sides bring joy and grief.

it has not been a battle of logic. both sides make great points (when you know the whole story).

it has not been a battle of stamina. both sides have had at it for years, and never tire.

it has not been a battle of actions. i've been making great decisions, and none of them stifle the noise of the war.

it has truly been a battle for my heart. for my soul. for my interpretations of my experiences (i wrote previously about those). for me.

the upper hand has ebbed and flowed between both forces, the darker of the two being more difficult to climb out of than the brighter, naturally. and the more i am aware of all the energy it takes to work with or against either force, i realize with an even deeper physics analogy...

that both have been centers of gravity that i take turns orbiting. both have been centers of my universe.

both have been my gods.

this is not to say that both God and Satan rule my life. this is to say that i have tried to jam God and my past onto the same throne. and i think i know why.

i have felt deeply known by both.

i have felt pursued in the darkness i was hiding in and was loved before i ever came into the light. they were loves that saved my life.

i'm being vague intentionally, so i apologize if you're trying to follow but have no idea what i'm talking about. maybe once i'm over this obstacle i can speak more openly.

but yes, all of this has reeked havoc on my spiritual and emotional state as of late. i've been emotional and impulsive in ways that i am usually quite level-headed in. i let anger completely throw me off course and ruin a perfectly good day. things either mean too much or don't mean enough to me. i once blogged about mental hypothermia...it's felt similar to that.

several people have encouraged counseling, to which i immediately felt reluctant. it felt like i was giving up, like i was weak. to need "professional help" sounds foreboding and slightly dramatic.

so says the girl who plans on being a Family and Marriage Counselor. bahahah. i had this QUICKLY pointed out to me, and was told that if i think that way about counseling it will negatively affect how i see my clients and will impede my overall career. point taken.

so counseling will most likely be in my near future. you won't get a complete run-down i assume, but i'll keep you posted. all in all, i do have hope. i do have peace in the midst of this distress.

things have felt unbearable, but i've never felt so full of potential.

i'm dealing with a huge past, but my future has never looked so bright.

my days have generally sucked, but my life has never been so good.

stay strong in your own battles, friend. i once heard this hopeful quote: "I truly believe all things end in good. So if it is not yet good, then it is not yet the end."

midnight. bed time.

love.

becoming Katelyn.

2011-03-06T21:46:00.004-07:00

watching Becoming Jane has always been a bittersweet experience for me. in fact i am usually in tears by the end of it.

it's not necessarily the fact that Jane Austen ended up alone her entire life. it's the thought of greatness only coming out of such a life. Edgar Allan Poe, C.S. Lewis, even Christ...they all lived tragic and beautiful lives that have changed the world, some more than others clearly.

i've always wanted to change the world. even if no one ever knew it was me. i've always wanted greatness.

but i don't want to be alone.

i recently heard something along the lines of "God doesn't want you to change the world. He wants you to be who you are."

the real Jane Austen never attempted to elope with Mister LeFroy. she fell in love with a man who soon after died, and later refused the marriage proposal of a wealthy friend. she sought to live in the country, where she could write in peace. she died in her sister's arms at the age of 41 from tuberculosis.

she chose her solitude. and i will choose mine, if i feel so called.

and God will give me greatness as He so pleases, alone or not.

so end my thoughts on the subject. :)

Bebo, updates, and hymns.

2011-02-26T21:31:00.012-07:00

take my time here on this earth

and let it glorify all that You are worth
for i have nothing, i have nothing
without You

this verse of Bebo Norman's song always speaks to my soul. it can be applied to my heart and life at any point in my walk with Christ...in times of gladness and times of despair. today it spoke to me during a time of regret and heartache. it reminds me that my life is not my own, and if it were, it would be worthless. that knowledge anchors me in Truth.

on a brighter note, i have some exciting adventures coming my way...

in a little under two months, i'll be here:

seeing them:

and though i didn't get the ropes internship at Lost Canyon i wanted, i was asked to be an intern in the kitchen! so in a little under three months, i'll be here:

making these:

and doing this:

and leading these:

but for now, i'll be with these:

and be as content as can be. :)

when Satan tempts me to despair
and tells me of the guilt within
upward i'll look, and see Him there
Who made and end of all my sin

adulthood is great. growing up sucks.

2011-02-10T23:58:00.003-07:00

though blogging is a farely new concept for me, online journaling is not. i've been doing so for the past eight years.

one of the most bittersweet pastimes i can find myself in is going through those old entries. man.

i used to be so incredibly sure of myself. granted, i would fall on my butt every time reality showed up, but still...i miss that confidence.

i miss having the courage to say "i love you." i know we graduate from high school and grow up and talk all this big talk about how it was stupid to think we were old enough for that as teenagers, but i can't help missing that "i know everything" stage. life seemed so simple and limitless.

as God shows me what it means to be His disciple and to be an adult, i find myself going through the process of literally dying to myself over and over again. i can't have the salary i want with the job i'm called to? i can't be swept off my feet in the perfect way by the perfect guy? i can't feel like the most beautiful thing ever created every single moment of my life? people will fail me? leave me? reject me? i can't do what i want even if i jump through Your hoops?

i wish i could go back in time and tell myself what i know now...that within five years, the guy i'm saying "i love you" to will be off marrying someone else, and i'll never speak to him again. that within six years, i'll understand exactly why i felt restless and depressed most of the time, and that it is mostly because i was oddly comfortable in that state of mind. that within seven years, i'll not only let go of my cynicism toward society, but allow its broken suffering bring me to my knees in tears. that within eight years, i will have the same fears and struggles as i did back then, but i will learn to swallow my frustration and disappointment in myself to continue facing them and conquering them.

i wish i could've told myself that life is not something to react to but to actively choose on a daily basis.

at least i know now, right? hah.

of Lee Pace and swimming pools.

2011-02-05T01:54:00.003-07:00

new look, title, font, and picture for da blog. you like?

friday nights are the only nights i can shamelessly stay up as long as i want. tonight's adventure included friends, Mexican food, and my first time experiencing Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day.

it's one of those movies that everyone recommended, but something kept me from wanting to see it until i was doing so alone. it was entirely worth it...i may or may not have cried. you'll never know. :) i think what i loved most about it is how i could relate to both Miss Pettigrew and Delysia; an old, weary soul and a flippant naive spirit. in the end, the weary finds hope and the flighty finds anchoring. satisfying indeed. also, i hate Lee Pace for obvious reasons.

...ugh.

anyway, i have a feeling 2011 is going to kick me in the pants. it already has, really. it's as if God is looking me in the eye, saying something along the lines of "you ready?"

me: "no. but go for it."

Tracey used the great picture of someone being pushed into the deep end of the swimming pool to learn how to swim. i like the shallow end...i always have my bearings, i can press my feet up against the floor to rest when i'm uncomfortable, and teaching others to swim is easy and systematic. yay. the deep end requires swimming even when i'm tired, and teaching others to swim feels hopeless because i'm struggling with it myself. nay.

"but go for it."

there's plenty to distract me from facing such discomfort and vulnerability. i have plenty of doors leading away from the challenge, and even have a few friends tempting me toward them unknowingly.

"but go for it."

because i am tired of my own plans falling short of the life i ache for...my arm cannot reach as far as my eye can see. i am tired of the fear i feel and the regret i avoid and the pain i bear when i consider the thought of my life in flawed hands. He calls me in. He shows me the next step. i swallow back a bad taste in my mouth and my heart starts quickening.

i have no reason to fear. i have no enemy to thwart me.

so i'll go for it.

my Friday night should probably end now.

love. :)

"if You say go, we will go; if You say wait, we will wait."

2011-01-31T00:45:00.003-07:00

like i said, i didn't get the internship i wanted. but as of tonight, i might get an internship in a different area of Lost Canyon...the kitchen. i have literally never stepped more than twenty feet into that place in all of my years going to camp there. i have no experiences or memories to work off of. if i get this, it'll most likely be the most challenging three months of my life. dude, bring it. or don't, then i get to have a slightly more relaxing break from school. :) win-win.

in other news, having a schedule involving so many night classes is surprisingly less stressful than having them scattered throughout multiple days of the week. i have an entire week for those classes to read articles and study at my leisure. and i'm feeling nothing even close to senioritis. if anything, i'm more studious than ever. c'est tres intéressant.

also, our first Younglife club was so bomb. a lot of it had to do with how hard a bunch of us worked on putting together an awesome skit about leadership styles. even though i technically wrote it, i got the majority of my ideas from our team effort. the first of many, Club Planning team. the first of many.

these are all really awesome experiences that are blessings of mine during a trying time of the heart. it feels heavy-laden and weary. the air i breathe feels thick and my limbs feel heavy. even when i'm wide awake and get good rest, my spirit feels tired. oh well. i'm running the good race, keeping my eye on the prize.

hope you're doing the same, my friends.

of risks and beauty pageants.

2011-01-27T22:28:00.003-07:00

so i didn't get the internship i applied for. two years in a row, haha. but i'm glad i tried, because it put me in the mindset of making this summer intentional...something that i need to pray about and plan for. that next level of leadership is going to meet me right where i am, not on top of a mountain.

i am also realizing that the wall i keep hitting when it comes to writing music is directly correlated with this wall i'm hitting with leadership. it's a boldness, a step into the unknown, it's taking a stand for something that others will want to challenge or turn down. it is making a choice and sticking with it. every single note, chord, word...a choice. leadership and music are both the type of risk i have done my best to avoid my entire life. of course God wants me to face them at the same time in the same respect. He's always pushing me in the deep end to teach me how to swim.

i have plenty of crappy feelings i have to swallow in order to keep a positive attitude about this. i feel the need to express that so that i don't come across as some beauty pageant contestant about life. do i feel like God's keeping me from things that i want, while dangling other things over my head that i could technically pursue but should not? yes, i feel that way. it feels like i'm ready for adventure and He's forcing me to stay put. it feels like the me i want to be is out of my reach because He closes door after door. i feel like my heart is blindly running through a maze and it hits wall after wall, leaving a bruise every time.

and yet everything i said in the previous paragraphs is true. this is the path for me. it is the best for me. God is strong enough, all-knowing enough, and loving enough to provide for me the life i was meant for. the foreign countries, the mountains, the everything else...it will have its time. hurts like hell without it now, but i trust Him enough to know He wants those things for me too.

time for bed. until next time...

"because i have a voice!"

2011-01-24T13:29:00.003-07:00

i am on the cusp of discovering a hidden cave of potential inside of me. i know it, and others know it. i know it will change everything.

therefore, this movie came into my life at the perfect time...The King's Speech

it is a beautiful movie (clearly) about rising to the occasion and embracing the greatness that was meant for you. going through the excruciating process of facing yourself over and over, pushing through fear and weakness. i completely related to the king's short temper and "can't do it" attitude about the whole thing. i also love that it didn't have a perfect ending where he got over his obstacles perfectly and they were never an issue again; rather, he simply chose to not give up on himself. he chose the struggle instead of choosing to live a lesser life.

i definitely plan on seeing it again. you should too.

class time. later. :)

Come ye sinners, poor and needy.

2011-01-17T22:41:00.003-07:00

these are the days when i feel like i really have something to give to God.

not my gifts or talents. those are already His, for He made them.

not my words or thoughts. He knew them before i had the brain to even create them.

my something to give is myself.

that's not to say my body, or even my soul. what's left if not any of those, you ask?

think of it [work with me] as oil that secretes through the skin. the residue of the flesh. the aftermath of the human condition.

i can give Him my interpretations of my experiences. sounds a lot like 'thoughts,' but thoughts are more instinctual and impulsive by definition. interpretations involve a higher consciousness, you could say.

i can give Him all the wedding/marriage/love dreams i instantly foster when i meet a great guy.

i can give Him the plans i silently organize in my mind to make my career look just the way i want it to.

i can give Him every false premise i have attempted to stand on in order to justify drastic means for beauty.

i can give Him the conclusions i make about myself and others after each and every musical session i partake in.

in those ways, i can give Him my interpretations of my experiences.

sometimes i let them accumulate. i let them sit around in my mind, so that i can stare at them when i crave a shot of happiness or peace. they become false hopes to which my heart clings.

come ye sinners, poor and needy
weak and wounded, sick and sore
Jesus ready, stands to save you
full of pity, love and power

then i get to a point like the one i'm at right now. i realize that such hopes let my heart drown rather than breathe. they are not hopes at all, but bars on a cage. i am not free to indulge in them, but am a slave to their taunts and their expectations.

come ye thirsty, come and welcome
God's free bounty, glorify
true belief and true repentance
every grace that brings you nigh

i barely have the strength to find in my heart a place where i feel i can meet with Him. i try my best to make it worthy of His presence. He always finds a way to meet me right where i'm at, catching me off guard and uncomfortably in the moment.

come ye weary, heavy-laden
bruised and broken by the fall
if you tarry until you're better
you will never come at all

and there we are, with all those secretive interpretations and clever ideas of mine right where we both can see them. i can't take my eyes off of them, not out of a residual desire but out of shame. they define me. they so evidently show the contrast between who i am and who stands before me. they reveal my petty, selfish, and glutenous nature when i am called to bigger and better things. they show the dirt i've scrubbed into my skin rather than the water i am offered.

i am given a choice. cage or freedom. dirt or water. my way or His way. and so with broken legs, i find a way to run to Him.

i will arise and go to Jesus
He will embrace me in His arms
and in the arms of my dear Savior
there are ten thousand charms

thank you Jesus for saving me from myself.

she is juniper and roses, she is amethyst and pearl.

2010-12-16T21:50:00.004-07:00

here are a few changes coming my way...some are exciting, some not so much.

Tay is moving out in four days...going back to Tennessee. she's crazy excited and feels at peace with the decision, so like a good friend i'm happy for her. but still...lame. Guffey, thank you for introducing me to fashion i never thought i'd like, and inspiring me to have fun in ways that make me look like a fool. let's keep singing together. :)

Missy's getting married in five months. yeah okay. the entire house has done their best to soak in what that means and how things will change. it hit me the most when David thanked me for a gift that i got her. it was a bathing suit. he had absolutely nothing to do with it. but he thanked me because it made her happy. SURE. it takes some processing here and there when the changing of the times surfaces in unexpected ways, but Missy is the happiest i've ever seen her, and in some aspects, this parting of ways has led to a depth in our friendship we didn't have before. Watkins, turning into a Lauck doesn't change the fact that i can take you down when you deserve it. or that we look better together. or that this will always be your fam:

here's a more exciting venture coming my way, given that everything falls into place how i wish. i may spend my summer in Europe. specifically...

London, England.

Dublin, Ireland.
and Edinburgh, Scotland.

six weeks of traveling while finishing up college? please. :) i still have to work out the practicalities and finances, but i'm putting my mind to making this happen. it's time for a little more world in my life.

time for one of the last PörchLyfe sessions before Tay leaves. shisha and incense on the screened-in patio...go!

love. :)

i open at the close.

2010-11-17T19:40:00.006-07:00

this is a blog that may take awhile, but it needs to happen.

ladies and gentlemen, my journey through Harry Potter...

it began in fifth grade as i was browsing through the little Scholastic Book Fair pamphlet that you always get the week before the fair. typical pickin's of Captain Underpants, Junie B. Jones and calendars. then that colorful cover with an intriguing name caught my eye. i had no idea what it was or what i was getting myself into, but i had to have it. i B-lined for it at the Book Fair and my mom bought it for me. it was the only thing i got, and i began reading it that night. since i was your average ten-year-old, i made silly mistakes of thinking things like Dumbledore's name was actually "Doubledoor" and that the entire thing took place in America (how was i supposed to know where Kings Cross Station was?). it also took a friend of mine to point out details like "people were walking around in strange colorful robes and looked like they were celebrating something" and what that could mean. so i was clearly only halfway invested, initially. but right around the time of Harry getting a mysterious letter that he wasn't allowed to open, i was hooked. i fell in love with messenger owls, school castles, and broomstick games.

i begged my mom to buy the second book for me as quickly as possible, of course. this is when Harry Potter books began to conquer every window of free time i had in elementary school. TV lost its charm, sunshine seemed so pale, and my friends seemed boring in comparison to this colorful and adventurous world. i went to school, came home and read in my room, went into the kitchen for dinner, and went back into my room to read until my bedtime. i finished this one in about three days.

once i finished Chamber of Secrets, i got frustrated with my mom for not letting me get this one as quickly as i wanted it. this meaning that she didn't drive me to Walmart at 7pm to go buy it MINUTES after finishing the previous book, but made me wait until the next day. the nerve. :) long story short, this book introduced me to plot twists, legitimate scary moments, and real character development like no other book had. i'm pretty sure this was an intense weekend read, once again being the ONLY activity i did other than eating and sleeping. and so it was; i experienced the first three years of Harry Potter's life in the last few months of the fifth grade.

ahh, the Goblet of Fire. this book is particularly special to me. around this time, the Air Force was relocating us to South Carolina. i was leaving my entire life behind...five out of eleven years, at least. it was easily the hardest thing i'd ever gone through at that point in life, and i had no idea how to cope with it. at some point in the journey, however, i was informed by my mom that my Aunt Kathy had ordered the fourth Harry Potter book for me and it was being delivered to our new house. hope at last! sure enough, when we pulled up to our new abode it was sitting right on the front porch waiting for me. i started reading it in the hotel room we were staying in while we waited for our furniture to come into town. everyone else was sleeping when i read about the gardener screaming at the sight of "baby Voldemort" and being killed. i had to stop there...too scary. but i distinctly remember lying on the floor in my empty new room reading this book. it felt like my only comfort in that weird new place. for this reason, i loved that it was bigger than a Bible...it lasted me a long while.

this is the book i remember the least of, in all honesty. i don't exactly remember where/when i read it like the others...i was moving yet again around the time it came out, so maybe i read it on the way back to AZ. not sure. but i did love how real the characters were becoming to me...how Harry gets pissed off like any teenager does, and that Umbridge was a sad and pathetic person who wanted structure and organization above human compassion. romance pops up, Harry actually leaves the school for the adventure at the end (the fact that they were all right there in the school for him was getting a little silly), and a beloved character dies. while the Goblet of Fire drastically deepened the plot of the series, this book drastically deepened the character development. i loved it for that.

as far as character development goes, this book surpasses them all. good grief. i bought this as a sixteen-year-old...i'd finally caught up to Harry's age since J.K. was taking her sweet time publishing them. :) i truly believe this book deepened my calling to psychology, because i ate up the chapters on memories of Voldemort's past and family history like they were a Thanksgiving feast. words can't describe how incredibly crucial it was/is to see that Voldemort is sick and twisted...a good thing gone wrong rather than created from an inherently bad substance. i loved how film-version of Dumbledore put it...Voldemort was a boy who made all the wrong choices. his past set him up for failure, but he walked the trail himself, even when great wizards like Dumbledore were willing to guide him into the light. i loved the truth in this book. i always love finding true characters in fantasy. also, this book lasted maybe two weeks, the last night continuing on until the sun rose. there comes to a point where you physically cannot take your eyes off of the book. a reader's high, if you will. :P needless to say, i was out of my mind excited for the seventh and final book to come into my life.

i pre-ordered this book a few months before its release date. though it was being released on a Saturday, FedEx assured me via their website that they were indeed going to have it delivered in the day it came out rather than on the Monday following. darn straight they were. i received it over the summer a few days before we vacationed to Mexico. i clearly did not mind the drive there. :) though it was not the only thing i did (since that would be rude), it took up a whole lot of sleeping time for me. i would read until i started passing out on myself and would then call it quits. i finished the book in four nights, the last night being around 2am, and i cried myself to sleep. i was eighteen. an adult. i felt like Harry Potter represented my childhood that was coming to a close, but would always be in my heart (and on paper) when i wanted to get lost in another world for awhile. the ending was beautiful and perfect. and it was time for it, in my life and in Harry's life. time to face the real, boring, grown-up world where you have to find your own adventures and find your own color. Harry Potter ended with the simple sentence of "All was well." i knew my life would end with that sentence too.

am i being melodramatic about a fiction fantasy series? i call it ascribing meaning. :P i feel like God uses little pictures like this one to teach me about overarching truths. Harry Potter is a book series that greatly influenced my childhood and is therefore worth remembering, just like childhood itself. Harry's journey through discovering deeper and more complex forms of magic over time paralleled my discoveries of deeper and more complex ways of looking at life. Harry facing death over and over again in more penetrating ways as time progressed paralleled pain coming into my life over and over in deeper ways. we grew up together. and i hope to keep my books in a good enough condition to be able to hand them down to my kids when it's time for them to start growing up too.

that's all. :)

a cripple at Your table, a cripple by Your side.

2010-10-16T23:45:00.004-07:00

i am currently staying the night at Blair's parents' house with a few roomies...holding down the fort until they return to their humble abode. not sure what holding down the fort actually entails, since all they have is a self-maintaining cat. but the house is large and a fun change of scenery, so i'll take it.

you ever notice how you don't really feel your heart pounding in the moment of crazy energy...it's afterward when you're lying flat on your back exhausted that you really start to feel it? that's how i'm viewing my life right now in a few ways. like i've run around and around with the single goal of feeling/knowing my heart, and once i collapse in fatigue and disappointment, there it is...pounding like crazy and making itself known.

it reminds me of what i'm learning about in my Religions class...about how God had Adam name all the animals. God didn't need to go through that process to figure out that Adam needed a partner of his own not created yet. the process was for Adam to understand this. God took him through a tour physically, mentally, and perhaps emotionally, of his surroundings and options. Adam distinguished the animals from one another and from himself, understanding step by step that he still hadn't found what he was looking for (oh U2...). once the task was completed, he understood fully that he was alone, that it was not good, and that he needed a helper. i think that must have deepened his love for Eve once he met her...comprehending her importance and her preciousness in his life.

i'm starting to understand that God uses that method of teaching in my life a lot...cracking a door open for me to see my options inside, but in the end pulling me away with the knowledge that what lies behind it is not for me. it's frustrating, heartbreaking, and exhausting, but the end result is an overwhelming satisfaction for what He reveals as His true will for me. now, being only 21 entails not a whole lot of "final conclusions" of His being revealed yet, but i am so thankful that He is opening my eyes to this process. i am so thankful that He allows me to feel my heart beating once i finally stop emotionally running around like a maniac...i am learning that it is known and felt the most when i have calmed and quieted my soul.

1am. it is time.

sweet dreams my reader friends.

but a certain sign of grace is this...

2010-10-05T22:28:00.003-07:00

thank you all for giving me such encouraging feedback on my previous blog. it took hours to write and literally all of my strength, but God is blessing me with some insight into what He's doing with it. thank you for your kind words in helping with that insight.

life has been completely and utterly spectacular.

it's like God is speeding up time and growing me up/out by the hour. i'm more attune to the things that truly resound with my spirit and less so with the things i've always sorta kept around for no reason.

i'm a nut-case, and it surprises me that that surprises people. it also makes me sad. WHYYYY can't i show that side of me more? i think it may be a focus thing...i have too much focus. when i'm at leader meetings, it's all about THE MISSION and OUR PURPOSE and THE PLAN. at work it's I NEED TO GO FASTER and HAVE A GOOD ATTITUDE and LEARN HOW TO HELP MORE. at school it's APPLY THIS TO YOUR LIFE and STUDY THIS THE RIGHT WAY and MAKE GOOD GRADES.

the only place i feel like i am free of imposed purpose is my house. hence the ridiculousness such as this [hope it works!]:

http://www.facebook.com/#!/profile.php?id=100001574580106&v=wall&story_fbid=440121571359

i feel the moment i step through that front door that i am unconditionally wanted and accepted. i have been through every mood on the planet with these people and they still want me around with no complaints or desires of change.

and if you knew how LITTLE i was paying for rent, your brain would implode. :)

this is part of the growing process; learning who/what will stick around as the seasons of my life change. i'm starting to catch the patterns in their character, how i feel when i am with them, and what God does with them.

who can be talking about something in their life and have that inspire me to want Jesus more?

who can show THEIR mood spectrum in full and still be instinctively lovable to me?

who am i myself around without even thinking, because they bring it out in me on their own?

i've found a few of these precious friendships, and precious they are indeed. and though i am in no way pursuing romance at the moment, this song makes me smile when i ask those questions to myself. i hope that one day i'll be able and willing to sing this song to someone...

hmmm what else. well, a lot else. but not for now! :P

love you all. over and out.

"Servant and King, rescued the world...this is our God."

2010-09-25T08:55:00.006-07:00

here's some news coming straight to you. no grapevines, no inferences, no secrets needed. because i don't want any chapter of my life to be treated like it never happened and we should just forget about it and move on. this deserves the spotlight for now, so i'll let it have that.

Chad and I have mutually decided to go our separate ways.

the word 'mutual' was true to its definition...we talked for four hours in his room, and when i left he hugged me goodbye and asked that i text him when i got home to make sure i got home safe. we both said how we felt, we both cried, and somehow we both fit a few silly comments into the conversation as well, making each other smile.

here's the honest truth: the wound is still bleeding. and at least for me, you can see that in how i have a constant flow of water coming out of my eyes. it reminds me of when i got a stomach virus that made me throw up whenever i moved or consumed anything, even when i didn't have anything in my body to throw up...at this point i think i'm working off of reserve water storage in my body because the crying never ends.

here's the honest truth: this is the hardest break-up i've ever had to go through, because i am healthier than i have ever been as a person. it literally took me a year to rightfully grieve my first serious relationship because i was under the emotionally-distanced impression that if it didn't work out then it's not worth remembering. my second serious relationship had a little less grieving, because the situation surrounding it distracted me from doing so. that one took close to three years to get to me as well. but this one...this ending of a relationship with one of my coolest friends...met me right in the moment, and i had no choice but to live in the reality of the next step we were choosing together. i looked around his room and realized i would probably never see it again. i noticed things about it that i'd never really thought about before. when i left, i had the few things that he'd borrowed from me, like my brother's video games and my Pride & Prejudice sheet music. i'll never spend time with his family in the same way again, and i won't be going to California for Christmas with them. our last kiss was a small peck on the lips four days ago while i was leaving and he was falling asleep in his room. our little inside jokes will probably never be brought up again, either because it's too soon or we will forget them. all of these things and more met me in our conversation, and i knew i was saying goodbye to more than just a relationship status. i was saying goodbye to a present and future life.

here's the honest truth: this is the right decision. not because Chad was a crappy boyfriend or because i was a crappy girlfriend. not because either of us have someone else in mind. not because we don't love each other. it comes down to the fact that who we were made to be by God as people are not fully expressed or brought out when we're together, and we both feel the need to be slightly different persons in order to make each other truly happy with the relationship. it's because in nine months of being together, neither of us were sure beyond a shadow of a doubt that we were in love. i'm being outright with you/the world because those feelings are not wrong or shameful to have. they are the aftermath of a genuine and raw relationship between human beings who love God more than themselves and each another, and will follow His voice wherever that leads. and His voice led both of our hearts to this decision.

here's the honest truth: Chad made no mistake choosing me, or i him. God has done wonders inside of me through us. He taught me how to forgive, to wait, and to rely on Him more than my flesh, just to name a few. maybe He taught others something through us as well. neither of us feel that we wasted the last nine months of our lives with each other. they were good, and we gave them to God, and He used them. this is just another path for both of us to take now. so i will take up the few things i own in this world, with all the things being with Chad has taught me, and i will begin the journey forward.

here's the honest truth: we will be okay. not only that, we will be wonderful and satisfied at the end of our days. because God has prosperous plans for us, not meant to harm. i know with everything inside of me that Chad was in no way dependent on me for his relationship with God, and i'm sure he knows the same goes for me. though i have seen faiths crash and burn when the storms hit, i know Chad's heart to be fortified with the truth that Christ's footsteps are the only ones worth following, and he will not fall away from their path. nor shall i.

here's the honest truth: if you haven't caught on already, i am flat-on-my-back in love with Jesus. He is all that keeps me from becoming undone. He brings me to life. He turns my heart of cold stone into a hot pulsing muscle that has a significant purpose, that feels what must be felt even when i can barely breathe from the pain. He makes me beautiful. He puts nothing to waste. He redeems the violent, the cruel, the wretched. He calls the silent to speak, the shy to sing, the somber to dance. He calls everything inside of me to come forth, to be free, to either be pruned or to be used.

here's the honest truth: i am devastated by my circumstances.

here's the honest truth: i am rejoicing with joy in the Truth that transcends my circumstances.

that's all i can handle right now. i think i need to have some alone time with Him on a mountain top for awhile.

i love you all. thank you for sharing your lives with me.

life's like this.

2010-08-29T01:36:00.000-07:00

no really, in junior high and some of high school i truly thought life was like this. or should be like this.

living the dream, i truly thought she was.

life was about breaking the rules that old cautious farts made up to stay comfortable.

life was about wearing whatever i wanted to wear, and for a long while, it distinctly resembled Avril Lavigne's tomboy skater apparel.

life was about doing what i wanted.

thankfully for me, what i wanted to do wasn't all that dangerous or immoral. but the point is this: life was about shaking up the world and laughing at the horror/shock/appalled looks on their faces at the mere thought of such a change.

i hear that desire in teens' words to this day. they want change. they want adventure. they want action and emotion and satisfaction from this life, and they refuse to wait for it. so they vandalize property and throw candy at people in theaters. so they dramatize their lives and talk behind each others' backs. so they idolize sex and assume that it determines all things because it is the ultimate source of physical and emotional pleasure.

they do their best to make their lives meaningful in a way that makes sense to them.

i totally get that.

but those are all very wrong fuels for a very right flame.

all i know is that i serve an adventurous, missionary, purposeful, and satisfying God who calls for a lifestyle of change.

and i know, with everything that i am, that life should be like this:

i highly doubt sex is that awesome.

bedtime.

God's uncomfortable calling.

2010-08-21T13:39:00.004-07:00

i'm getting stir-crazy a lot lately.

i'll be sitting somewhere and think "i need to do something! i need...i need...i need to go somewhere! i need...i need...i need to live my life and get things rolling!"

then i usually clean or contemplate ways i can live a more recreational life (buying a bike, hiking more, rock climbing, eating better, etc) and imagine myself doing things that i think are cool, like traveling and getting my hands dirty in something that makes a difference.

but i feel like God is calling me to something specific. something soon.

the first thing i think of is my music. i've been working a little more on it but i always find reasons to put it off. "oh i can't, my roommates will get annoyed," when in reality they say they all get quiet and listen whenever they hear me playing my guitar and singing with the door shut, AND Missy always makes a point of being wherever i'm going to be doing worship. "well, i don't have some huge message that i feel the need to share with the world through music," that's the stupidest one of all. are you kidding? you don't have anything to say or give to a hurting, dying, festering, suffocating world? you're an idiot (i can get a little rude with myself). "i'm not good enough...i'm not talented enough to deserve people listening to me," this is the one that gets me the most. what if i put everything i've got into something that people breeze on by? they might thing it's nice or creative for a few seconds, but in the end i haven't made a dent in anything or anyone. here's the real fear: fear of failure. here's the real lacking: lacking in trusting the sovereignty of God's will.

one thing that has resounded with me the most from going to Pure Heart is Pastor Dan saying, "we're not called to win, but we're called to die trying."

ouch.

but a good ouch. a healthy ouch. a God ouch.

i know i was made for this. i know it. i know God created me shy and introverted in order to push me into the spotlight with a microphone, because i would only be willing to do so with the right intentions. it could only be for His will.

and with that, i'm off to write.

i'll try to blog again soon. :)

oh hey!

2010-07-28T23:23:00.003-07:00

i have had ZERO time to blog this entire summer. even now i could be doing homework that is due by the end of the week. blahhhhh.

it's been a time of crazy growth. i feel like i'm a "growing-up"...not quite grown though. :P i've had huge leaps forward in boundaries, communication, overall relationships, and who i am in the midst of all that. here are a few things that have been affirmed about myself [and not always in pleasant ways]:

i am creative in everything that i do. it is very difficult for me to enter into a system of doing things and not try to add my own spin to it. i love structure and consistency, but i always find myself expanding on structural foundations and trying to make what is in front of me something bigger and better than it was yesterday.

i am a natural leader. i take things upon myself to achieve, quite literally without thinking about it. this also goes along with my creativity...i can't help but want to put a little "me" in what i do and in what i participate in. i can't thank God enough for giving me THE best leadership team in probably the entire valley to express this in. i never thought i'd say it, but...

i love working as a team. i love the give-and-take, the honest feedback, and the hard work that produces something for the bettering of the world in some way. i have Younglife as a whole to thank for this. the last two years of leading in several types of teams along with Summer Staff for a month showed me that this is how we were made to live in everything that we do. even romance is a team effort man.

i am out of control. this doesn't mean i have ADHD. i probably have one of THE steadiest levels of energy known to man, haha. this means that my ideas know no bounds, and combined with my creativity and developing leadership skills, i can get somewhat unstoppable when i have a distinct vision in my mind. despite my last name, i can be a serious fighter if i need to be for what i believe needs to happen.

disrespect severely pisses me off. this sucks because life is full of "get over it" moments that MUST be handled correctly if i want to be Christ-like in all that i do. because even Jesus was disrespected. you just can't get around it.

hmm anything else? yes, a lot more else. but it is late and i need to sleep if tomorrow's goals are to be accomplished. sorry it's been so long, friendlies. until next time...

Katelyn's Favorite Things

2010-05-30T15:55:00.002-07:00

here are a few things that have made me all girlishly happy as of late. :)

Bath and Body Works Aromatherapy line... specifically the Stress Relief scent. i'd use it for body wash if i could.

Yankee candles...i LOVE how they come in different shapes and sizes and then last forever.

Etsy can be addicting for some online window shopping...people are so creative and cute!

since a natural tanning session would give me tomato-red skin and probably cancer [yay crappy skin genes], i have no choice but to use the fake stuff. Xen is supposed to be awesome though and i can't wait to afford it. :P

french lace...i am DETERMINED to have my future wedding dress completely covered in it. even if that means making it myself! which could be both really stressful and crazy fun.

vinyl wall decals. they're either awesome or a disaster. i may try them out one day...

jars. don't ask. i just love them.

i want one i want one i want one i want one i want one!

William Blake's Agony in the Garden...i love both this specific painting and the fact that i'm taking Art History over the summer. i get to learn what makes art so valuable and precious. yay.

that's all for now...someone tell me how to post pictures on my blog so that the entire picture is showing. blahhh.

time to Sunday it up. see yaaaaa.

i don't want to make You small.

2010-05-27T21:38:00.002-07:00

a few recent turn of events had me crying in my room earlier today, and i wasn't sure what the big deal was. yeah, i didn't get the internship at Lost Canyon for the summer. yeah, my new job kept me from going on the Colorado trip this week. why the tears?

then the "oh i get it" moment arrived...

i am angry/terrified at the thought of God's will for my life being boring, not as beautiful as i want it to be, and/or lacking in significance.

so dumb. but alas, emotions are emotions and they need to come out.

so we talked about it, me and Jesus. i gave Him every example i could think of as to how my life could be everything both of us want it to be, and then all the examples i could think of that could potentially get in the way of that. i visualized myself living a stagnant life and realizing too late that i'd done nothing useful with it. i visualized myself getting trapped in the stuff every American deals with...eating like crap, going into debt, creating a dysfunctional marriage and family.

i would rather live alone in the woods my entire life than end up with a life like that.

then another "oh i get it" moment came [thanks Jesus]...

life never just "ends up" a certain way, and nothing is wasted of it. my God is a God of purpose, and i have been invited into that on the foundation of faith.

the thing about faith is that it's hard to have even when it's invested in the Master of the universe...and we're called to also have faith in one another.

logical/cold/rational Katelyn inside me gives a big "BAHAHAHA GOOD LUCK WITH THAT" at that one. she has seen the long, dark, painful road of all sorts of "teamwork" and would rather not end up with other people's problems on her hands.

then Jesus gives me that distinct Jesus look and i realize that that's exactly what he did for the world. gahhhhhh i can't even GRASP that.

anyway.

i showed Jesus the kind of life i wanted. i used assumptions and inferences to determine its awesomeness for my life and did my best to convince Jesus of it. this isn't the first time i've tried to do this. "Jesus, do you SEE what's in front of me right now?!?! are you missing this?!?! why isn't this thing in my life the way i want it to be?!" and he calms me down and says "yeah i see it. in fact i see it alongside plenty of other things you don't have the eyes to see just yet. trust me...move along." and after much pouting and stomping, i do. am i a seven-year-old walking past store windows and wanting everything i see inside? guilty.

well knowing Who's in charge, i trust that my life will be exciting, beautiful, and significant in ways that i can't fathom yet. those ways will most likely never be on my own terms or grounds, and i'll probably have to LEARN how to enjoy them rather than effortlessly loving them.

because that's life. that's walking with God. that's growing, and i hope to grow up until i die.

needless to say, JJ Heller's "Small" is my song for the day. go see what it does for you.

night loves.

roots and wings please??

2010-05-11T00:49:00.003-07:00

at first i thought i didn't really have anything to write about, but then WHOAAA thought after thought flooded my mind and i decided it was blogging time for some of them. maybe all of them. we'll see how far i get until i'm asleep...

i spent the weekend in California with Chad and his family, and it was so much fun! not in a "fairly tolerable, if i dare say" sort of way [compliments to Mr. Darcy for the wonderful quote], but in a real enjoyable way that brought me closer to both Chad and his family. i saw the ways he and his dad are similar in their carefree and goofy [yet entirely aware and competent] lifestyles and the way his mom is both strong and sensitive toward those around her. plus i got to meet the entirety of his dad's side of the family and they're all awesome in their own ways. i feel like i could have a great and intellectual conversation with his cousin Drew, laugh my heart out with his uncle Troy or have a ridiculous girls night with his mom and aunts. it was such a blessing being invited into a family's rare everyone-together experiences like that and i'll be forever thankful for it. :)

we got to go to the beach for a little bit on Saturday, and i felt so incredibly at home. the smell, the everlasting salty breeze, the constant echo of the waves on the soft sand...i could spend forever in that moment. i grew up on the east coast beaches, but the west coast has its own special place in my heart too.

and with that, i progress into my next subject...i am incredibly torn when it comes to the type of place i want to grow up in or raise my children in. there's the Southeast, the Southwest, and the Northwest that specifically call out to me.

the Southeast...or should i say the South...is my emotional-childhood home. the humidity and the front porches and the lazy accents make up my sanctuary. one of my favorite things to do is to visit my family there and go back to where i came from. things don't change much there, and i love it that way. it's safe that way.

then there's the Southwest, which is my physical-childhood home. i went to elementary school and high school [and now college] here. sometimes it feels like the perfect home to have...almost any type of American landscape and weather is within a six-hour drive. Phoenix offers the perks of a fast-paced and competitive city while its suburbs stay fairly quiet and comfortable. it's pretty moderate when it comes to the distribution of political views...no one's voice is stifled. the summers can feel like death but that just leads to more water park weekends and pool parties. you never feel like you're missing out on life. that's not even mentioning Colorado and its staggering beauty and glory.

and then there's the Northwest, which is the area my soul truly does resonate with. the grey and rainy skies keep the coffee shops nice and toasty and the musicians contemplative in their song-writing. though fairly liberal, its occupants challenge the mind and free the spirit through leading by example..."Keep Portland Weird" is a great bumper sticker to describe what i mean by this. the clothes, the music, the weather, the culture...it's me to the Nth degree. if i moved there i'd be tempted to never come back.

i want a beach house in California...a cabin in Flagstaff...an apartment in Seattle...a three-bedroom house in Phoenix and a beach house/cabin combo in Florida or the Carolinas. i want it all. and that's just America...i want to be in Northern Europe with a hint of everything else as well. i want the world to be my house.

i know God intends to have me settle down...everything points to it. but where? where it's safe? where it's fun and lively? where it's beautiful? where i feel like everyone else is like me? where i can find a job or a house? where my husband wants to go? where my family is?

sometimes i feel like my heart's too big. it has too many aspects of desire and love. oh and also, this is where synesthesia sucks, because every place has its colors and i have to live with not only the place but those colors as well for the rest of my life. what if i don't want orange around that long? what if blue gets too mundane?

this is probably the most selfish blog of all time, and i am fully aware that any decision i make like this one once i get married will be a team effort and two-person conclusion. but it's still a trip to think about how much i love and want for a home. i'm not one to assume "oh i'll just stay here" and make it happen. yeah right. i couldn't be like that even if i tried.

but i know Who's in charge at the end of the day, so i'll take His cues and go from there.

hmmm what else...oh yeah. my sister wrote a blog about sex and it was really great. she made a joke about the fact that not many people have waited until marriage for it [which was in no way judgemental], and it made me think about the fact that i live in one of the rarest houses i've ever heard of. first of all, a house full of five unmarried girls in their twenties would be an abomination less than a century ago. second of all, the fact that the majority of us have genuinely loved Jesus 85% of our lives and have not had sex [with plenty of opportunities, since we're not ogres] makes us even more of a conundrum. take tonight for example...four of us spent the summer night together in a candlelit backyard, with the Village soundtrack playing, and with hookah and beer. i can hardly name five other people i know of who'd naturally do all of those things at the same time, to a responsible extent, and then also love Jesus with us. we're the girls who love action movies just as much as romantic comedies, who listen to Blindside and Iron & Wine and Kelly Clarkson all in the same playlist, who wear dangly earrings and chucks, and who have a serious affinity for colors and movie soundtracks. we are the irony and humor of God Himself in female form to challenge the way society thinks. welcome. two of us are still single and we're goin' by fast. :P

i think i'll hate myself if i don't try to sleep at this point. sweet dreams America.

an eclectic assortment of words.

2010-05-04T21:37:00.003-07:00

i guess i have enough thoughts for a blog.

i think the thing about dying that makes life look so beautiful is the absence of chronology in your memories...all you think of are the laughs, the smiles, the heart flutters you've had in one big mess of recollections. suddenly the layers collide into a masterpiece of depth and feeling that surpass the difficult and the painful times. in fact, the tapestry is even more beautiful with the darker shades to accentuate the light.

it all makes sense, it's all understandable...it was all okay all along.

you don't have to be dying to see life this way. that's an extreme example. i know there have been experiences and circumstances that felt like bamboo chutes under my fingernails the entire time and had me before God everyday with a "what the hell are You doing?!" type of expression on my face. but now that they've passed, i can look back on most of them and think "you know...it had its beauty" and be satisfied with the fact that it happened. not wishing for it to return, but happy that i got the chance to experience it.

maybe that's what it means to live life with no regrets...respecting the past for what it is and not dwelling on the fact that the present and the future are going to look different now. i am learning to trust God not only with each stage of my life, but also how and when the transitions between stages come to pass. and also my state of mind in the midst of it all.

on a slightly different note, i'm learning what it means to live like Jesus without actually trying to be Jesus. Jesus, who can be everything to everyone, both a Rock and alive, both human and divine, both grace and justice, both servant and shepherd. nice.

it's like we're all ants and God is an adult person. He becomes an ant and sees that we have puny brains and only know how to use five words for communication. so He uses those words as best as He can to portray meaning and purpose that transcend those five simple words beyond imagination. then tells us to follow Him.

so do we hang on to those five words we understand? do we imitate and preach those five words with all that is inside of us? or are we called to seek that transcending meaning and purpose somehow...reach past those words? reach past our puny brain? are we ants called to a human's comprehension?

i just know that i'm coming up against situations that Jesus could handle and i can't. Jesus could be that shoulder to cry on when mine would shatter under the pressure. Jesus can love without defenses and defend without walls. Jesus can be her way, can be his truth, can be their life. i know what Jesus can do and would do. He uses words my ant brain can't fathom. but what am i to do with Him inside of me? i am still an ant. i still have limits. i am still both mortal and flawed. i can't handle all of who He is.

unless i can, somehow.

like i said, i'm learning.

on another different and much lighter note! i recommend this adorable movie:

i saw it in IMAX 3D with my friends for part of my 21st birthday celebration and it made me very happy inside. it's another one of those kids movies that has enough humor to be for an older audience as well. watch it if you want some cheering up. :)

and yes, i DID drink on my big 2-1 extravaganza. a WHOLE beer! hahah i would've [responsibly] had more, but Yardhouse is quite expensive [$6.25 a beer?! i'm sorry?!?!] and i'd only gotten about six hours of sleep the night before, making me tired to begin with and then even more relaxed with food and beer. my friends were tired too, so i decided i'd wait for a more convenient time to really do my taste testing and alcohol education. :P overall, it was a very fun/funny/happy/silly time with my dearest of friends. score for me.

alright it's bed time. until we meet again...

soul on fire.

2010-04-22T00:14:00.003-07:00

i think i'm going to coin the phrase mental hypothermia. here's how it goes...

in a healthy mental state, there are many things that acquire differing ranges of awareness, the basic thoughts being the foundation of the more complex thoughts. knowing your school is paid for allows for more concentration on homework. knowing God loves you allows for more concentration on how to grow and walk with Him. knowing you are healthy and alive allows for concentration on the daily tasks that accumulate a life.

mental hypothermia would be the case when one or more of those simple thoughts or truths falls through or shifts, leading to concentration more on the simple thoughts than the complex and detailed thoughts. the more this happens, the less mental activity is evenly distributed. eventually you are mentally immobile from the founding thoughts of what is true or what is real. it is all you have the capacity to think about. it is mental survival mode.

yeah, welcome. if my brain were a body, my fingers and toes would be way past numb at this point and my limbs are on their way as well. i contract all of my thoughts into my core to keep the little warmth i have left, the truth that is my only comfort and anchor. little else is possible to focus on. little else matters. my mind is in the fetal position and the deafness of bloodless ears is setting in. everything drowns out. all my blood, all my focus, is in the core.

and that's not a great place to be in as a student, an employee, a daughter, a sister, a girlfriend, and a leader of a major club all at once. not a great place at all.

i don't want to live in survival mode. survival is not life. i want to face the cold of this world and be warmed from within...enough to withstand and outlast these blizzards. i want a soul on fire.

i pray hard for a spark.

"because the struggles of this world are blistering."

2010-04-20T20:36:00.005-07:00

the title of this blog is the chorus of a song by Dead Poetic...a band among others that never ceases to keep me anchored to memories. and days like today will add to those memories.

it reminds me of the concept of a heart with a sunburn...a blistering sunburn, thanks to life. it's a cry to God for some relief, some rebirth, some revolution.

i am so tired.

i am SO tired.

of so many things.

i would love to have zero connections in this world and keep all of my pain and flaws and potential destruction to myself. and selfishly, also so that others' problems don't effect me either. because i am so incredibly tired.

that's not just figuratively, either. i'm prone to anemia and was anemic for awhile until my mom realized i was sleeping ten hours a night and also taking naps during the day. i take a vitamin with iron everyday for it, but still...i'm never quite as energized as those around me.

that may seem like a random fact to share, but it really hasn't helped with everything happening in my life right now. i see and hear and feel walls crashing all around me...all i want to do is sleep. in a world of pain and hard times, my bed is soft. in a life that has conflicting needs and wants and desires, i am allowed to need and want sleep.

left and right i feel like holding people close, screaming at them, firing them from my life, feeling so grateful for them and then hating them. HATING them. and hate is not a healthy feeling. i'm just all over the place. my relationships keep me lifted up and weighed down all at once.

i hope no one takes this blog personally. this is clearly an issue of mine and not yours. and it's time to hang out with God and talk about it a little more.

love you all. really.

"bleed one more time for me

because my heart is filled with loneliness

and this world is filled with loneliness

bleed one more time for me

because the struggles of this world are blistering"

bits and pieces of progress.

2010-04-15T11:07:00.003-07:00

i guess there's a lot i could write for an update in here!

first of all...it finally happened people...i got a job. :) i now work with my roommate Blair in a cardiologist's office. she and two other girls do medical billing and my main job is filing...sounds easy, but when you're dealing with around 45 different types of documents [which differ in format depending on who/when they are from], the job gets tedious and slow. but i honestly love it so far! it's amazing not being in retail anymore...no customers, no rushes, no weekends, no SALES...it's just me and my job that i'm allowed to do with my iPod and coffee. yes. thank you God for the best job i could've asked for at this point in my life.

as many of you already know, my parents are getting divorced. the process began during my spring break [haha] and is just doing its thing still. don't tell me you're sorry...because i'm honestly not. i don't think anyone who knows the situation is. there's a lot that goes into it, so i also ask you not to look at the situation as a stranger and decide what you think about it. would you believe me if i told you God set it up to be possible?

i'm definitely changing my major from Bachelor's in Science to Bachelor's in Arts for Psychology. i know i will never want to do research and that's what the science degree is for...if i do anything with Psych, it would be counseling. so yeah that will hopefully help me like school again and feel like i'm actually learning something for what i'm interested in doing. i'm fine with doing hard work as long as it's leading toward the goal i want in the long run. now i just have to meet with an advisor...

i need to clean my room. it's making me sad right now.

enjoy the day!

"Everything Was Beautiful and Nothing Hurt"

2010-04-07T00:42:00.004-07:00

seems like i either have twenty people read a post of mine or no one at all. odd.

this one may not make sense. i feel like expressing a few things that i don't feel like actually explaining. love me through it.

five or six years ago marks the era in which my spirit and soul felt hospitalized, like i couldn't move without pain or overwhelming weakness. it was all i could do to push and pull air through my lungs over and over. i had no external drive to live except for the natural instincts of my body to survive. sometimes i even prayed that if God had some sort of quota to meet for giving people cancer, let it be me since i wouldn't miss a world like this anyway. i didn't want to fight the sensation that i was slowly and inevitibly drowning. depression? if we're being overly simple and vague, sure i was depressed.

then it was as if God gave me pure oxygen to breathe, in the form of His warmth and love and company. everything was beautiful and nothing hurt. love burned inside of me and the walls of my heart were etched with words and truth that remain there today, a few embers refusing to die. my "morphine" was an adventure that consumed my thoughts and time and energy and took my mind off the pain and the indifference i felt if i was left alone with my thoughts. i felt alive. so incredibly alive. and so incredibly sure of myself as well. i was healing.

but as time went by i was less and less effected by the [figurative] drug. it didn't feel real. it felt stagnant and supressing. i felt like it was holding me down from a real life. a better life. so i quit cold turkey. i was discharged from the hospital my soul was in and was sent out into the unknown. and for awhile i was excited and at peace.

for awhile. for a year.

then i started realizing how mediocre the mixture of gases i breathed felt. i missed the pure oxygen. and i also started realizing how uneventful my body's natural balance of chemicals in my body felt. i missed the morphine, even when there was no pain like before. all on my own, even with Him by my side, i felt like less of a person than i did when my heart was in that hospital room. my black and white had faded to grey...darkening so many whites in my life. my fluttering heart flatlined...seeming to be utterly useless and faulty. words can't describe how incomprehensibly remorseful and stupid and arrogant i felt for ever leaving that hospital bed or giving up on that adventure. i may as well have internally died. i was now a walking shell with nothing inside. where before i felt so much pain, i now felt nothing.

but a few things here and there brought about a heartbeat inside of me. not all was lost. different adventures offered themselves and i explored a few and thoroughly enjoyed them. i still am. i am still pushing and pulling air through my lungs...i am still alive. and i have found ways to make myself useful while i'm here.

is it wrong to be dissatisfied with a healthy and steady heartbeat? is it pretentious to look past the warm blessings right in front of me in the sunlight and lose myself in the fire that burned me so much deeper when i was in the cold and dark? can there be no fire where there is also sun?

can i not be healthiest and happiest i could ever imagine being simultaneously? do i need the hospital for the happiness? do i need the mediocrity for the health?

maybe i'm asking to have my cake and eat it too. maybe i'm asking for ice cream in a world that also requires some bitter tastes in my mouth for health. maybe i really can't have both.

maybe i dream of Heaven already.

all i know is that the air keeps coming. i must keep breathing.

and for now, i must also sleep.

sweet dreams.

farewell.

2010-03-31T13:18:00.003-07:00

well, it happened.

four albums, three EPs and a few projects here and there later, one of the most talented and loved bands i have ever had the pleasure of listening to is breaking up.

Copeland.

my blood's musical saline when i feel weak, my ears' salve when they've been burned with lesser noise, my spirit's meadow of wild grass i've run through so many times with God.

this band has truly changed my life. they taught me about love, life, pain, hope, and faith at a time in my life when so many other things could have infected my soul for the worse. one verse into the first song of their's i ever heard and i was hooked, and have been so for seven years. seven long and happy years.

farewell, my most beloved group of musicians. never stop loving music.

i dedicate your own song to you:

"no weapon formed against me shall remain."

2010-03-21T11:36:00.003-07:00

i can be a pretty intense person...if i'm given a hypothetical scenario or question, i think through it thoroughly and imagine every possible outcome or happenstance. including natural disasters destroying it all. :P kidding.

this intensity gains momentum when i'm given a real-life scenario, such as Younglife club. i think that's why i've been asked to be so involved in that weekly process...i think about it like crazy. but this intensity and momentum can be toxic when i'm given a difficult circumstance to overcome, because i cannot fully get over it until i've explored it thoroughly. i can't forgive it until i know all of what i'm forgiving.

sometimes it feels like too big of a mountain to climb. i think "oh, it looked smaller when it was mentioned way back then." "oh, i didn't realize there would be caves and nooks all over it that i'd have to venture into as well." "i wouldn't have to do this with someone different." "how can a person have truly separated themselves from something like this? it's HUGE!!"

sometimes i feel like that person is miles ahead of me, waiting for me to catch up and wondering what's taking me so long. "just GET OVER IT as quickly as possible for everyone's sakes. there's no reason to dwell and stay there longer than you have to." that's not a direct quote, but that's the general vibe i get.

then i feel like getting crazy bitter. "it's YOUR FAULT i'm here in the first place!!" "do you see this place? do you see how messed up it is? how can YOU have forgiven yourself of all of this if you think it's so incredibly easy for me to do so??" "feel free to find some crazy forgiveness ATHLETE who can jog this thing as quickly and shallowly as you clearly prefer, and i'll leave. sorry for wasting your time."

enter: Jesus

hahahahahahahah. i'm messed up. i just laugh at myself.

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death.

Romans 8:1

For those whom He foreknew He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom He predestined He also called, and those whom He called He also justified, and those whom He justified He also glorified.

Romans 8:29-30

He can move the mountains, and He did. He was there when this person was building this particular one, dirt pile after dirt pile, year after year. He was there when this person dug out those caves and nooks to hide even more so from Him. and He was there to destroy it when this person's heart for Him could not be dammed anymore. He released the floodgates of His love and created a new life on the foundation of justice and glory, which He had predestined and called from the very beginning.

that's why this person wonders why i'm wandering around on this mountain that doesn't exist anymore. they may have some scars and stories from it, proving that it did exist at one point, but all that's left are rocks and dust that the wind has swept away, only to be learned from for the better.

like i said, i can be a pretty intense person. you tell me there was a mountain, i'll form it in my mind and take a tour until i know it fully. God has used this metasystem of thoughts for His glory, but it is not appropriate in every single situation. it is not appropriate when i am meant to trust His judgment and forgiveness on a mountain that He knows fully. it is not appropriate when the person i see in front of me now has virtually no mountains in their way and no intention of ever making one again; when the person i see in front of me has been set free and made new.

this had been eating away at me, emotionally draining me and distancing me from those whom God has powerfully placed in my life.

but if i fight back, not with my own understanding but with the sword of His Word, no weapon formed against me shall remain.

God is my victory.

mm.

2010-03-18T10:21:00.002-07:00

a profoundly new chapter of my life is beginning.

i assume it's with the same bittersweetness that a person has when they have an arm or a leg surgically amputated. keeping it would've eventually led to death, and it could no longer add to their quality of life [only lessen it], but losing it feels instinctively wrong. it leaves a hole in the person's soul, regardless of how necessary its removal was. a new way of living is inevitable.

i pray to God that i'm ready for it.

You will be my wings.

2010-03-07T23:43:00.003-07:00

i should use more visuals in my blogs...they're fun to see in everyone else's blogs.

so. on a lighter note than my last blog, this has been in my head for the past few months off and on, and i feel like sharing it. it's a kid's movie love song that probably every girl my age has seen and owned at some point...

yay. so like i said the love song in it that is the foundation for almost every other song in the movie is one that i've always loved for its unique melody and wonderful imagery. yes, i thought of these things even as a seven-year-old with blonde bedhead watching the movie at 6am on a Saturday morning. for those who can't recall it from memory, enjoy...

yay again. well i don't love this song because it's the most realistic or romantic thing i've ever heard...if it were to actually be sung between two people, i'd probably throw up. i love it because this song actually IS a reality for me, and it has been for nine years strong now.

He captured my heart and i was brought to my shaking knees in awe and wonder. i didn't understand a love like that...how could every dream, wish, and passion i had be satisfied by a single source in a single moment. all i knew was that i had discovered both a treasure and a mystery i had no intention of throwing away, and almost a decade later i've barely comprehended the surface area of the surface, let alone scratched it.

nine years...hard to believe. some days He was the air i breathed, other days i'd blown Him off for some boy with pretty eyes. sometimes it was all i could do not to explode with joy, other times i questioned whether He really ever loved me at all, or i, Him. but here we are. He and i. though my human condition sends me all over the place with emotions and mindsets and circumstances, i have been ruined by His love. for the rest of my life, i have no choice but to run towards it or fight against it; for it is there regardless of my actions. and i'm running hard.

but who wouldn't run toward such a life?

Let Me be your wings

Let Me be your only Love

Let Me take you far beyond the stars

Let Me be your wings

Let Me lift you high above

Everything we're dreaming of will soon be ours

Anything that you desire, anything at all

Every day I'll take you higher, and I'll never let you fall

Let Me be your wings

Leave behind the world you know

For another world of wondrous things

We'll see the universe and dance on Saturn's rings

Fly with Me and I will be your wings

Anything that you desire, anything at all

Every day I'll take you higher, and I'll never let you fall

[You will be my wings] Let Me be your wings

[You will be my only Love] Get ready for another world of wondrous things

[Wondrous things are sure to happen]

We'll see the universe and dance on Saturn's rings

Heaven isn't too far [Heaven is where You are]

Stay with Me, and let Me be your wings

welcome to my life. not my dream, not my prayer, but the reality i am living in every day i am given. i pray that it is yours as well.

bed time. can't wait for His songs in my ear. :)

home alone + stomach ache = hi, 2:30am. oh, you brought along conviction? fantastic, welcome.

2010-03-05T02:19:00.003-07:00

i haven't stayed up this late in a long time with that "just because i can" attitude that once ruled my weekends and summer breaks. a few blogs here and there have come out of sleepless nights.

i forgot how thoughts just sort of "eek out" when it's late. daily life's not around to monitor what comes out of my brain. but i don't feel like apologizing for that since you're choosing to read this voluntarily.

what else can i write that could possibly be silenced with the sunrise?

here's something. i'm not going to be scared of my music anymore. i don't care if it's amateur, simplistic, or downright bad. i don't care if i can name off fifty people within a fifty-mile radius who can sing better than me. i don't care if fifty THOUSAND people in this state alone can play guitar better than me. i've lived my life caring, comparing, and compromising over this. and i can't do it anymore.

God put music inside of me. NO, that doesn't mean i simply have a deep respect for other people's music. NO, that doesn't mean i have been mentally or physically writing songs that seem to prophetically come to me in specific words and chords. NO, that doesn't mean i obnoxiously sing or play whenever i get a chance so that the spotlight is on me.

i live my life by the definitions of music. get it?

marriage is finding your harmony. don't find someone too close or too distant...you'll either clash or be in completely different keys.

looking out the window in a driving car is a song. the distant movements, like mountains, are the foundational and basic rhythms that define the pace and the tone. the not-so-distant objects moving faster are the chords adding color, and the immediate objects you can barely see whizzing by are the melodies stringing the chords together.

my faith is the key of my life's song. all kinds of chords come and go, but every action i take should be relative to the key. no key = no foundation.

my emotions are chords. different notes and strings...different circumstances...come together to create them, and sometimes there are particular notes that define the entire chord as either major or minor...particular circumstances that make me happy or sad. focus on the notes that will continue on into the next chord. focus on the circumstances that surpass emotions.

music has rules, so long as it is called music. it is not relative, it is not subjective, it is not optional. though there are relative and subjective and optional avenues through which one moves through music, there are fundamental rules that cannot be compromised. such is life.

a song is a life. there are specific verses that come and go, build-up points, and repetitive choruses that tell of who we are and why we're here. the specific words are based on our actions.

are you getting my point? music is literally my life. if i sound angry, don't take it personally. i just don't understand why it has taken so long for me to realize that this is not a pass time, this is not a talent, this is not lust for fame or attention or compliments.

this, is, my, calling.

we are all stewards of our spiritual and practical gifts, and i have done a lousy job at harvesting this particular one of mine. i have learned music for my own pleasure, performed it when it was convenient, and gave up on writing whenever it got too odious or intimidating. i have lived for myself. lately God has literally FORCED me to sing and play for Him...people have pursued me endlessly to glorify Him through music and i have done so as a favor and not as a ministry. every single time...every SINGLE time i have done so, i have had people either asking me to play for another event as well or asking me when [not if, when] i'm going to record so that they can buy my EP.

i remember years ago giving up on this. i was staring rejection and failure in the face and i forfeited without a second thought. but my Jesus never lets go that easily. He has sought me out and refuses to allow for shadows to hide my face from Him any longer. i have given Him my leadership abilities, my relationships, my attitude, and my will to live.

but i haven't given Him my music. He reveals it inside of me everyday and i refuse to think "too much of it" or "get too full of myself" to the point of feeling called "to make something of myself" because of it. THAT would be the selfish and lustful thing to do, right?

hah. my selfishness is in all of my securities. my lust is in guaranteeing my FULL knowledge of what's coming next in life. music wipes both of those slates clean.

now, this isn't the very first revelation to the fact that i need to focus on music more. sorry friends, i know you were hoping to be the witnesses to some crazy life change in Katelyn on a very early Friday morning. i've been feeling this for months. but this is the first time i've "said it out loud" to anyone but my small group, and i feel like it's time. it's time to start holding myself publicly accountable to my calling. it isn't going to be simple, straightforward, easy, or even fun. i may personally hate every song that i write down.

but praise God for direction, even if it leads to fearful places and obstacles taunting for a fight. praise be to the Whisper given to desperate ears in their time of need. praise be to the God of my music.

don't get too hasty...this is particularly a long road. but for the first time, i am actually walking it.

sup cutestblogontheblock.com?

2010-03-02T15:20:00.002-07:00

i felt it was time to make my blog pretty and cute. gotta give the people what they want!

let's see. lately...

i've been looking for a job, and for awhile i was dead set on living out of a refrigerator box if need be to get out of retail. an office job sounded perfect...answering phones, working with the same people everyday, NOT selling anything to anyone sounded perfect, and i'd thought i'd found that job at a retirement insurance office called Valic. the job title was "Appointment Setter/ Administrative Assistant." i would set up appointments between clients and insurance agents, manage calendars, process paperwork and forms, and doing other administrative things. it starts at $10 an hour and is part-time and offers a flexible schedule Monday through Friday. i sent in my resume about two weeks ago and can see my application status online, which for now is "Considering." hey, can't complain about that.

but then i started talking to my friend Brandon, who works at REI (an amazing recreational store). it's retail, but he had nothing but awesome things to say about his managers and the customers...not to mention the awesome discount on the best quality of outdoor clothing and equipment. apparently if Brandon refers me to his manager, i am guaranteed an interview and most likely a job. i'd start out at the register at $8.55 an hour but can get promoted easily based on performance. they're also really flexible apparently with scheduling and i'd never get scheduled when i say i'm not available (which has ALWAYS been an issue in the past).

what i'm worried about is facing the possibility of choosing one or the other. they both have their own pros and cons, and i'm not one to choose solely based on the money. but i'll cross that bridge when i come to it.

lately i've also been helping Chad out with working his way to the job he wants, which for now is an EMT for an ambulance company like Southwest Ambulance. i've helped him write his resume and also an essay about himself and why he's qualified for the job and what not. sometimes i pretend to make a big deal about it like i'm his slaved assistant, but i really do enjoy being able to help him achieve such a significant goal in his life, and the fact that he trusts me with so much of that process. pretty flattering. :)

i've been making a mental list of all the things i'm going to buy once i have money. here are a few...

all the seasons of Lost, The Office, and Flight of the Conchords
blue Vans. they're just too cute.
the cords i'd need to record music onto Garage Band...can't keep ALL of it in the memory bank!
canvases and paint...it's sort of addicting.
groceries...GOOD groceries

that's it for now. time to watch Lost online. :)

it's all in the little things.

2010-02-04T10:50:00.005-07:00

here are some things that make me pretty darn happy at the moment! this is all assuming that Jesus, my friends, family, and boyfriend are on the top already. :)

my school - it's cute with quality, haha. it's also QUIET! it was meant for students with my personality, clearly.
the fact that the Walmart by Chad's house sells Mexican Coke! that means it's made with sugar and not corn syrup...it is much better than Pepsi's "Throwback" attempt, that's for sure.
the puppies in my life - i have FIVE that i see on a continual basis. the three goobers i live with, the majestic Buddy at my parents' house, and Chad's sweet old puppy Chaos. dogs warm my heart in ways that i can't explain. :)
my Mac - it's the cutest piece of technology ever.
YOUNGLIFE - the ministry that continues to change and challenge my heart. i think i may have to do it for the rest of my life.
my red American Apparel hoodie...you know, the one everyone has in some shade of a ridiculous color. i know this won't be my last one.
skinny jeans - specifically from American Eagle. it's just the right ratio of denim to spandex that makes it not too tight but not too stretchy. i notice these things.
Starbucks music, including the noises and voices that mix into it all around the store. i could probably go to sleep listening to a recording of an hour's worth of Starbucks sounds.
hand sanitizer.
salt and vinegar chips.
blogs. :)
the combination of aviators and Rainbow flip flops...it spices up whatever i'm wearing.
scarves, because they do the same thing.
Tracey Beal's house. it inspires me to never stop decorating!
my cowboy boots. sometimes i feel like they complete me. :P
the fact that i have Southern roots...it's a culture that i am always proud to be part of, especially MY Southern family. :D
the way an iced chai never gets old.
the way a tuned strum on a guitar seems to light up the air in a room, bringing to attention all the beautiful waves we live in that we generally disregard.
curling up into a ball either in a chair or in the car and being perfectly comfortable. not everyone has that luxury.
album art on my iPod.
college-ruled paper...and a good pen for it!
the way people move for each other on any sort of walk way. the person is thirty feet ahead of you and they're already turning to their right/left to give you more room.
Biology! my three classes dealing with biology and the medical field are to blame for this...the fact that we are composed of very physical substances doing very physical activities rather than being a hollow shell of spiritual fluids we call "life"...it shows me more and more the thought, effort, and care that God put into my simple existence. no one can compare.
duets. i miss those.
the timeless sound of a grand piano.
the fact that no matter what the economy is like, latest fashion looks like, or latest music sounds like, there will still be weddings and birthdays. life will go on.
the healing power of writing something down.
the fact that there's always a beach waiting for me when i need it.
road trips...especially the really uncomfortable and cheap ones.
the thought of going on a date with God to Colorado for five days again this year. :D
my baby niece and her adorable way of figuring out life.
my older sister learning things that i can learn from too.
the unspoken sense of humor that i share with my brother.
sharing a house with some of the most rare and precious girls/women i know, who know no fear in ways that i have always been afraid of. but i think they learn from where i am strong and have no fear as well. :)
good movies...like, GOOD. the directors who are trying to speak to the world, not just entertain it.
the way the majority of people around me agreed with me this morning that today was a hoodie day.
Philosophy and the way it gets my blood pumping through my brain...the tangly and complicated issues that never have simple answers, and knowing at the end of the day that i don't have to know the answer.
rain, and the way it changes the entire city.
the way God has opened my eyes to the simple pleasures of life, allowing me to have a list this long of happy things and being not even close to finished with it!

but i'll spare you all any more of that. i've been asked before why i am so happy...how i can find hope in the midst of a seemingly tragic situation. the funny thing about that is the fact that i generally feel like a not-exactly-happy and rather hopeless person...the people closest to me have seen that. and if i were Katelyn through and through, that's all anyone would see, because that's who Katelyn is. but God so loved my soul that He gave me His one and only Son, that if i let His heart become mine, i would be free from sorrow and feel the hope that is to be had no matter what is thrown into my life. that list is a list of opened eyes, a list of fighting off defeating thoughts, a list of life. they are the littlest of things that, if appreciated, satisfy some of the biggest desires the heart can have.

life is beautiful whether you notice it or not. why wouldn't you want to?

when in Starbucks...

2010-02-02T12:59:00.004-07:00

i have some time to blog between classes, and i suppose there's enough to talk about to make it worth the effort. :P

i'm enjoying a mix of completely new artists to my ears at the moment, compliments of my fellow musical enthusiast Blair. it compliments the calm and contemplative vibe that permeates the entirety of ASU West...specifically the campus Starbucks I frequent quite often this semester. i LOVE it.

well i got an email saying my internship application [you know...the one i was flipping out about in my last blog] was transferred to Woodleaf [in Northern California] because Lost Canyon was apparently overloaded with intern applications for Ropes this year. this definitely changes things...because Woodleaf is 14 hours away. i would be completely cut off from my life here if i went...i would miss my niece's first birthday, i would definitely NEVER see Chad, and i would have to make several other sacrifices in order to make that work. this is all assuming i was even accepted. long story short...i've been encouraged to stay open to the possibility, but everything inside of me is telling me not to pursue it anymore. do i still plan on genuinely praying about it? of course. but this is at least progress in an area of my life/future that was really breaking my heart no matter what perspective i was looking at it from. at least now i know that my dream/desire to live in my favorite place in Arizona is not going to happen. no matter what is coming up, it's time to move on from that.

sort of speaking of Chad, things on that front are just dandy. :) it's a fun thing; being in the most mature/adult relationship i've ever strived for, and yet one of the goofiest/quirkiest relationships i think any of my friends have encountered. hahah i'm okay with it! i love seeing that 23-year-old wearing all the colors of the rainbow with a harmonica around his neck and a hood over his head and knowing he is mine. and hopefully he sees me with my out-of-control hair that changes colors and my earth-toned clothes and the occasional cowboy boots and thinks the same thing. :)

this semester of classes isn't killing me like i thought it would...it's about just as much as i can take, but i'm not breaking a sweat yet. i'll have to hang out at my parents' house a lot to use their PC since my professors don't use programs that are always Mac-friendly, but the only downside of that is the drive. more family time is never a bad thing!

God is really pushing growth into my life, which seems to have been a theme of His in my life for the last year or so. He works me out, i get sore, and He works me out even more while i'm temporarily malleable. the moment life gets easier will be the moment i know i'm not really following Him...He never created us to coast through our life.

that's all for now. :) love love love.

i come to You in pieces.

2010-01-09T12:44:00.003-07:00

i think it's safe to say i do my best in life to avoid hardship...i subconsciously associate it with consequential punishment for doing something wrong. you're poor? that's because you didn't prioritize enough to get a degree for a better job. your schedule is hectic? you should have paced yourself and not let things get backed up and overwhelming. your relationships are suffering? clean up your side of the street and if it's a relationship worth keeping, they will do the same.

i have all these answers to all of life's problems, it seems. why would a sensible and intelligent person ever find themselves in true difficulty, then?

HAH. if only life was a formula to figure out. but we are a people of formulas; our systems and rules and schedules are just part of the overall machine we build onto more and more to live through. we live on a planet of purple and green and orange and yet we put our best efforts into making everything red or blue or yellow. but i am getting ahead of myself.

i am coming up to some definite hard times. some of them are my own fault, but some of them truly are not in my control. school being ridiculous this next semester is my fault; i shouldn't have taken such jokes of semesters this last year and screwed myself over for the rest of my college life. i also should have made school more of a priority than Younglife. though that is my ministry through and through, i won't be able to do much with it in the long run if i never graduate or get the degree i feel called to.

but other hardships seem to have come up simply because this is what happens in life. like i said in the blog earlier, i can now say the coolest guy i've ever known is my boyfriend, and i thank God for him everyday. if he was any less perfect for me i would still be single, and that's because i had no intention of even finding interest in a guy for a few years. that was also something i thanked God for: the satisfaction i found in solitude, which most single women i know cannot say they feel. so in my satisfaction and excitement for my life, God revealed to me several things in my heart that He intended to fulfill.

one would be interning at Lost Canyon - the moment i met all the interns there, i knew it was an experience i wanted to be part of. Summer Staff was amazing and i could only imagine the life change that would come from interning. i can't assume God will definitely give me the internship, but i sent in my application as fast as i could and now wait for a response. here's the catch: i would be there from May 19th-ish to August 15th-ish with maybe one day off a week. this was part of the allure of the entire thing at first, but now having a boyfriend changes things. three months of our relationship [that will only be months old as it is] will be virtually apart from one another. i know this won't ruin what we have; it will most likely make us even stronger. but i am taking 17 credit hours this semester and Chad is now working full-time plus over-time six days a week...our current time together feels suffocated and sparing as it is. the fact that he lives 20 minutes away doesn't help either. he says he usually doesn't work in monsoon season and that's around the time i get out of school...so the moment we're both done for awhile with our hectic crap, i'll be peacing out to live three hours away. THREE MONTHS LATER, i'll be back...heyyy just in time for another crappy semester! hopefully Chad won't have to go back to the job he has now, but if he does, we'll then be just as busy as we were before the summer. it feels cruelly synchronized and makes me frustrated to even think about. why in the world would God lead me to both a distant place for so long AND lead me to a guy who i am clearly meant to be with at the same time?

and then there's India - i've wanted India in my life for so so long. i found out i could go there through Global Expeditions NEXT summer and i totally planned on doing so. i planned on the two-month trip, of course. anything less felt not worth it. now i feel like that would be too much to handle after this summer and the following semester. even though interning felt like it would be a leap of faith, i felt like i should run for it nonetheless. but this...i'm not feeling that way about this. i can see this being something that i should lay off of. my heart for India remains, and i pray that i can somehow find myself there for awhile. maybe as this approaches as something less than a year and a half away, my heart will change and the opportunity will present itself to be more intelligent. but for now, i am saddened to say i don't see it happening. once again...why would God call me away and call me here?

it may sound like i'm becoming rather dependent on Chad, and that i'm letting our relationship rule my life rather than God. that is not the case at all...i am simply acknowledging it as a gift and a tool of God's that He has a will and a plan for. i can't disregard it as i make decisions that threaten it, and i feel that way about the internship, school, Younglife, and India as well.

and so it is...hardship inevitably awaits me and has nothing to do with something i may have done wrong. this is life. this is being an adult. it will never get simpler or easier, but i trust my God enough to know that it will indeed get better.

i pray that i enter into a new level of hope and faith as my life proceeds from here on out, and that it may be seen and felt by all who come near me.

thanks for listening, friends. :)

i didn't want anything for Christmas...God didn't care. :)

2009-12-26T12:29:00.003-07:00

this was another Christmas full of comfy socks and family fun. my dad was finally able to get Christmas off, so we were able to celebrate yesterday rather than Christmas Eve or even the day before like we've had to do in the past.

i don't even know where to begin with everything that has changed in my life since last year. seriously...i was perfectly content and then God felt like giving me more for some reason. life has never been as self-defining as it is this very moment.

let's start in January. i started a difficult but influential semester in school...i took classes like Applied Ethics, Developmental Psych and Forgiveness & Reconciliation and i still remember specific concepts that have re-shaped my thinking on those subjects, including how i apply my faith to them. all the while i was growing even closer to my friends and making new ones as well. the months following included six-hour studying sessions at Starbucks, late-night conversations with friends about all sorts of things, moving into the cutest and nicest and best-roommate-infested house all for the cheapest rent, hiking hiking hiking, and an all-night trip to the Grand Canyon.

once the semester was over, it was turning into a fantastic summer already. a lot of swimming action, a lot of tanning ATTEMPTS, and a whole whole lot of friends. this is also when i dyed my hair red, which i already blogged about. that was a huge deal for me, haha.

soon enough July came along and i found myself driving up to Lost Canyon to be there for an entire month...never saw that coming. it ended up being one of the coolest months of my life where God wrecked me and built me up and wrecked me some more. i think everyone can attest to the fact that i did not come home the same person and am still utterly changed from that experience. this is when i met some ridiculous people from Albuquerque that i sometimes love and sometimes hate calling my friends. :P

school began again shortly after that, and when school begins, Younglife begins. i was determined to make this a semester of Clubs to remember, and was pretty much engrossed in one thing or another during every Club to make it absolutely perfect. as i was doing so, God decided to put my life on hold with a huge car accident that banged me up pretty bad...i still have to go to physical therapy for it. but yeah totally consuming myself with making Club awesome? that's the way i roll. and because of that, i didn't notice that there were two guys who were coming to every Club from Pure Heart Christian Fellowship's college group to check out what we do and become part of it; David and Chad. somehow without my knowledge, all of my friends were becoming friends with them and some started going to their college service as well.

i never knew either of them existed until i got a Facebook friend request from Chad...i didn't recognize him or know him but he was mutually friends with all of my Younglife friends so i accepted it. the next Wednesday i ended up being able to walk JUST enough to go to Club for awhile with Missy, and at one point she randomly had Chad right next to her and said "Katelyn, you should meet Chad. i think you two would have interesting conversations." haha that's Missy for ya. so i did meet him in person and we DID have an interesting conversation...it transferred to Facebook once i left Club and soon transferred to texts which then became talking to Chad everyday about everything. we started hanging out one or two times a week annnnnnd people started noticing of course. at first i wasn't sure what to say when people asked me about it...i didn't know him REALLY well so i didn't know if he considered himself becoming friends with a girl he thought was cool or if he had more on his mind and in his heart when we hung out. and because of that, i wasn't sure how i felt either. i'm not one to willingly harbor feelings for a guy if he's not on the same page...that's just unintelligent. so a big fat "I DON'T KNOW" was given to anyone who even mentioned his name in conversation with me.

then with the help of my lovely friend Rachel Patton, i found out Chad did indeed have feelings for me. at that point i could honestly admit that i was starting to have those feelings too and got excited about it! after that we hung out more and more and people asked about it more and more and we actually talked to each other several times about where we were at and what our intentions were with this. and NOWWWWW he's my boyfriend. YAY. his side of the story is ridiculously wonderful and makes me feel even luckier to have ended up with a guy like him. :) also, i never thought i'd find a guy...let alone any other person on the planet...whose favorite band is also Copeland and whose favorite food is also seafood. random and silly, those are just a few of the things that make him pretty darn perfect for me. :) he was definitely an unexpected Christmas present that came out of nowhere and smacked me in the face with wonderfulness.

those are the highlights of my year. God did work in painful, unexpected and wonderful ways. He gives me every reason to live my life for Him.

Merry Christmas my friends. i hope your year was full of as much growth as mine was.

"this is my prayer in the harvest..."

2009-12-12T12:26:00.004-07:00

i get to go Christmas shopping today with my mom. :) i like her a lot. and i like shopping a lot. and i like Christmas a lot. so today will be fun.

i like God a lot too, especially when i could never have predicted the stuff happening in my life that He puts there. one day i am as content with life as i could be, and the next day something amazing is right in my face that i never even allowed myself to think was COMPLETELY possible.

i've messed up so many times. i've been a "good girl" my entire life but i've messed up so, many, times. i don't deserve my parents. i don't deserve my friends. and i CERTAINLY don't deserve Christ even knowing my name, let alone caring about me, let alone loving me more than anything, let alone stepping in front of me when i should have died for my sins. i don't deserve this life. and yet God incessantly overwhelms me with blessing after blessing after blessing. i never thought i could glorify Him in so many ways. not that i always do, but i have the neverending opportunity to do so with all that He has given me.

i know it's not about "not messing up." i know this isn't a test to see how far i can get before i fail. but i can't describe how terrified i am of screwing up once again...totally tainting a gift of God's because of my human condition. i've already learned and grown in awesome ways but i can't say with full confidence that i will prevail.

i'm praying my heart out over this. for now it's time to go.

love you all. :)

and i am sure that i've not seen the Christmas lights this bright before. :D

2009-12-07T10:51:00.003-07:00

so i've already gotten to go to Zoolights AND Glendale Glitters this year! Zoolights was my favorite as it always is, but i'm really happy that i got to do both. :D

it's raining outside. and it's cold. i'm rather okay with it.

oh and if i end up being able to go back to Berean, i found out three of my friends who worked there with me years ago are coming back too! it could be awesome for sure! and my old assistant manager is now the store manager, so that could change things up a bit and i'm excited even more! :)

this is a short one. i need to do homework.

until next time! :)

oh winter. :)

2009-11-27T12:17:00.003-07:00

i think i might stay in my leggings and hoodie and headband and look like an 80s aerobic instructor all day. it's too comfortable not to.

other than that, life could only get better if i could hike! once i can do that...i'm not sure how i'll handle the joy. hah. as far as healing is concerned, i am virtually functioning like a normal person but some stuff still hurts to do and i can't be on my ankle or knee for too terribly long. all i care about is being able to walk again! and i can! God is too awesome. :)

as the fall semester of Younglife comes to a close, i'm starting to do an overall debriefing of how clubs went in my mind. we just recently had a little brainstorming time about big changes we can/should make for next semester and i'm interested to see how those play out. sometimes it feels like a code to crack or a puzzle to assemble...i feel like there is a crucial concept that we are all aware of but haven't quite harnessed or applied yet. with all that it is really easy to lose sight of my fellow leaders, the students we're reaching, and the One who's making this happen for His own glory. yeah...i need to really work on being more people-oriented than project-oriented, it seems. but i AM so proud of the work we've all put into this ministry as an offering of our best quality to Him. we've all worked so hard and He's worked so amazingly through us. :D

hmm i can't think of anything else to say except that i LOVE Christmas and i pray so hard that i'll get a job in time to buy everyone i love something, because giving people things is my favorite. :) i'd seriously do it all year long but people would get uncomfortable and awkward, unfortunately. so i wait until Christmas to shower them with things. yay. speaking of Christmas, it's coming alive in my house this very moment! all the smells and the music and the lights...i think i might have to do Zoolights this year because of how happy it always makes me. and i get to wear my jackets and scarves. YAY.

that's enough for now. time to live in the moments i write about.

ALWAYS, i love you friends!

We are sheep.

2009-11-09T14:29:00.005-07:00

i have a lot on my mind. thoughts of philosophy, psychology, habits, fears, truth, myself, others...i have no idea where to start.

let's start with this one: no one should ever think they know the will of God beyond a shadow of a doubt. that level of pride makes me sick to my stomach. am i suggesting God does not direct our path, and in that way show us His will for our lives? no i'm not saying that at all. i'm saying that even when we think we have the clearest of revelations, the strongest of callings, the utmost of urges in any direction, we must be humble enough to realize that we are only human. it very well may be what God wants, and it very well may not be. the human body is mysterious in how it responds to the world...what you think is His message could be your own desires and state of mind working together [not to mention the enemy] to show you a message God has no intentions of fulfilling. i've seen friends' hearts broken over what they KNEW would happen that never did...they 'felt' God so much through it all and can't understand what went wrong and why He failed them, or why He told them lies about what He had planned for them.
i'm not sure how long of a rant i want this to be, so i don't know how deeply i should go in my response to this. let's start here:
- God is good
- He fulfills His will and His will alone
- we are human with complex brains and complex hearts
- we are flawed, no matter how wonderful our intentions may be
given those premises, we should always, always, ALWAYS bring our 'revelations' and 'feelings' to God Himself. i've sometimes been so utterly convinced that God would satisfy a certain desire in my heart a certain way...it came to me as 'a calling from God' and it made my heart do happy somersaults at the thought of it. even when i brought it to Him i sensed nothing calling me away from it. and in my gnawing impatience, fixation and starvation for that specific event/person, i was missing the life right in front of me He had a will for. i was so bent on 'God's will being fulfilled!' that i was blind to Him truly fulfilling my will.
put frankly, we're not big enough, smart enough, cool enough, weird enough, wise enough, or unfathomable enough to know what He's thinking and planning for us at any given moment. we're stupid people with our stupid logic and REALLY stupid thoughts and emotions. let's start owning our stupidity and hang onto Him LITERALLY for dear life. we are sheep. we will never know the intentions and wisdom of our Shepherd. we need repeated, consistent, minute-by-minute guidance that we must incessantly pray for while living in the reality of our human condition.

we are not pure enough to discern between phantom and reality. question everything.

even if our answer is that it is from Him, we are not wise enough to separate His answer to our question from what we personally believe that answer to imply about what He wants. assume nothing.

this is how Christ lived...He never assumed the Father's will. He never had a plan. His next step was only as far ahead as a footstep's length.

all i know is that if Christ was that humble, i have no excuse.

2009-11-07T12:22:00.002-07:00

i'm on my second helping of Pride & Prejudice...it's been less than twelve hours since i last watched it. there's just NOTHING wrong with it in any aspect of a film...it is brilliant and beautiful and cleanses my soul with its quality. plus i'll probably have to read academic blahblahblah for the rest of the day for classes, so i'm indulging myself for a few hours before that marathon begins.

as far as healing goes, it's been a slow and [literally] painful process, but it is taking less and less [in terms of pills, ice, pillows, etc.] to make me comfortable. and in two days i'm seeing my doctor again to see if walking will happen soon. i might try to go to class next week anyway, at least the one that greatly involves in-class discussions that i've missed two weeks of. i've been experimenting with how much i'm physically able to do. i'll try to stand up and keep my balance, i'll do what i'm doing now which is typing with two hands, trying to use the good muscles in my left arm and not let them go to waste just because that collarbone is broken/mending/sensitive. i refuse to pretend i'm a vegetable, but at the same time i do believe there's a reason why God took my mobility away for awhile, and why i am perfectly healthy other than that. not that i actually know that reason, but i know that making the most out of this situation will fulfill that reason. that's why i'm trying to focus on school and my family [who have been SO great in being with me through all of this]. i have been given the time and the relative solitude to do so, so...i'm doing it. hahah.

that's all for now...i need to soak in some more Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth Bennet.

good day to you, sir.

some goals and dreams and memories.

2009-10-30T13:30:00.003-07:00

i'm stealing this idea from Rikki...i've actually been thinking a lot lately about things i want to do before i can't anymore. not being able to walk really puts things into perspective in that way. so let's see...

[also, if it's in bold then i've done it already, and would probably be willing to do it again]

explore New York.
skydive.
go to/live in India.
personally lead someone to Christ.
get my nose pierced.
run through a meadow in a dress.
spend Christmas on the beach.
learn how to snowboard.
learn how to surf.
hike the Grand Canyon.
go whitewater rafting.
have a picnic in the woods.
write a book.
create/record music.
kiss a guy who didn't see it coming.
take a walk through Europe.
see my favorite band live.
go to a prestigious museum.
visit Woodstock.
learn how to tailor clothes.
take dance lessons.
work with kids.
love on someone in a way that they've never experienced before.
laugh until my ribs burn.
read all the Lord of the Rings books.
read all the Harry Potter books.
read all of Jane Austin's books.
throw the best wedding my friends have ever been to.
still laugh at my husband's jokes even when we're old and gray.
sit by a lake wrapped in a blanket to watch the sunrise.
drive a jet-ski.
dramatically help an organization or foundation.
go on a road trip with friends.
live in more than three states.
work with animals.
go to a ball.
slow dance in the street.
ride a horse on the beach.
paint the colors in my mind.
backpack through New Zealand.
serve at a Younglife camp.
pray/dance/kiss/laugh in a thunderstorm.
renew my vows with my husband.
be overwhelmed with love and respect for my husband's submission to God's will.
take a nap in the arms of someone i love.
learn how to cook.
buy my groceries, clothing, and jewelry in a foreign country.
travel with my ministry.

there are a lot more...i just can't think of anymore at the time. but i'll get through them for sure. :)

The Car Accident...

2009-10-28T12:37:00.003-07:00

i'm sure most of you know the gist of what happened yesterday, but i wanted a general recap available for everyone to be on the same page.

i was on my way to go hiking at Thunderbird Mountain going about 45mph [in a 40mph zone]. i was going east on Deer Valley Rd., about 15-20 feet from the intersection at 75th Ave. when the light turned yellow. at that short of a distance i knew i could easily make it so i decided to keep going...there wasn't anyone in the intersection when i made that decision. but as i got closer to the intersection, a 17-year-old girl in a car going west on Deer Valley rolled into the intersection from the left turn lane and attempted to turn left [south on 75th Ave.] in front of me. she must have seen me because she came to an abrupt stop about a 45 degree angle in reference to my car. at that point i was too close to her to swerve or stop in time before i hit her. so i hit the front right side of her car head on with mine.

i stayed in my car because my shoulder hurt too bad for me to move it and my legs were killing me. eventually when the EMTs came i painfully got onto a stretcher and went to Arrowhead Hospital right down the road. my mom met us there and we got in and i got x-rayed [OW!] and was finally left alone in my room with my mom for awhile. i had been teary-eyed throughout the whole thing out of shock and pain, but when the nurse told me i had a clavicle fracture [broken collar bone] i sorta lost it. my blood pressure lowered [and i already have low blood pressure] and i just got really upset and couldn't stop crying. i've never broken or sprained anything in my life so it all came at me at once. but i eventually i settled down and started relaxing [thanks to the Vicodin haha]. unfortunately i was discharged right after getting comfortable so it was a painful process getting from the bed to the wheel chair, from the wheel chair to the car, and from the car to my living room. from there it's been a matter of hanging out with friends and family, watching movies and popping pills. hahah like i said i've never been hurt like this before but it could have been so much worse and i'm thankful for the little i've had to go through.

as far as whose fault it was, the cops can't say because there were no witnesses to back up either of the drivers' stories [the other girl said the light was red...?] so neither of us were cited. but we're considering hiring an attorney to build a case to get some money from her insurance company to pay for car expenses and what not, so hopefully that works out. it's just so that i'd be able to get a new car...not to screw anyone over just because we can. all i know, being completely honest, is that the light was not red when either of us entered the intersection, and she had to have seen me because she stopped a third of a way into her turn [probably freaking out]. if this had somehow been my fault, i'd say it. but it wasn't. and all my family needs is financial help in getting a new car for me, so i'm not afraid to make sure that happens.

also, it's been overwhelming seeing how many people love and care about me through this whole ordeal. i've never felt so incredibly loved by so many people. :)

count your blessings, friends. they're precious...including the perfect weather outside right now!! enjoy it for me.

love you all.

hey remember that one Saturday night i was home with nothing to do?

2009-10-24T21:25:00.002-07:00

mmm...yep.

it's been a good week though. i've talked with people older and wiser than i about things i've been constantly mulling over in my mind and i've been given some great direction.

the desire to travel is surfacing in my heart again, and India finds me once more. Global Expeditions is going there again [at least this year], so i think it's time to actually start planning something realistic for next summer. and hey, if interning at Lost Canyon doesn't work out this summer, it could be that i'll be going there in a matter of months. God can do whatever He wants.

with this desire to travel is the slow and steady realization that i don't want to get married anytime soon. having so many of my friends get married in the white dresses with the colorful bridesmaids and the cute grooms put me in a pouty mood when it came to romance, and i felt crazy left out. some of my friends honestly didn't seem ready for it at all, so i wondered what my problem was that made me so inadequate for it. and it's now hitting me...i'm not inadequate for it right now, but IT is inadequate for ME right now. hahah i'm not saying i'm better than my married friends, i'm just saying it is clearly not in my near future and therefore i have more important things to be thinking about and pursuing in my life. i have some overseas/ministry adventures to conquer before the 'settling down' adventure begins. yet i do have to admit that i still tend to stare at diamond rings and wedding dresses and could probably plan my wedding in a month with all the thought i've already put into it.

for another day...

love ya kids. :)

oh-so-much!

2009-10-16T12:06:00.003-07:00

a lot has happened the past week and a half or so...at least in my heart.

first off, in a crazy way God freed me from a heaviness in my heart that i thought i'd carry for the rest of my life...i'd already been carrying it for years now. it was a guilt and a doubt and an unexplainable longing for something that i knew in my soul wasn't meant for me, and i can now say that i am free of it. i can't praise Him enough.

then last weekend was College Weekend, and i can honestly say that it was one of the best weekends of the semester thus far. program was phenomenal, all the students kept the energy up and owned the entire weekend...leaders didn't have to do much at all except enjoy it all with them. the speaker Don had everyone crying pretty much the entire time because of how sincere and heartfelt his words were about the love of God and how that can change lives. then there was the fact that way too many of my friends were there with me...i was overwhelmed with joy at times.

our ASU West YL club is getting better and better...our leadership team is learning how to be on the same page and is hearing the calling to a higher standard in our efforts and our time. and i sort of love the fact that most of us are only about 21-years-old. we're just kids...we live with our parents, play video games, giggle about boys, eat junk food, dot our i's with hearts, set things on fire and then oh yeah lead people to Christ and cultivate the self-discovery of our generation. hahaha God is quirky and fantastic and goofy like that.

i also saw Where the Wild Things Are last night...it's not a movie for everyone but it reminded me a lot of how it was being a kid, which wasn't always easy. the dry dialogue cracked me up and i could tell they were writing it the way kids would talk to each other. it was also just beautiful...every shot could be a photograph. so would i recommend it? well...if you still live out of your inner child or simply love kids, then definitely. if you're looking for a cool indie film with profound messages OR a movie to take kids to, then you'll probably be disappointed. it's all in what you expect.

hmm also i'm sick, and that's not okay. let's hope that ends soon.

carpe diem.

The Pre-Chorus

2009-10-06T16:30:00.004-07:00

if my life were a song, i am entering the pre-chorus, preparing for the chorus after so many verses of trying to understand. and once the chorus comes, everything unimportant fades, the simplest and beautiful and important chords ring out while my existence is finally fulfilled and the song finally reaches its meaning.

i feel so much change coming my way, both in myself and in my surroundings. for the first time in my life, i understand why people fear all of this.

one thing about the pre-chorus is that this is the time when the minor chords come out and the energy is building toward a point unknown; if there were words, they would be emotional and frustrated and vulnerable.

this isn't the first pre-chorus i've been through, and my life has been filled to the brim of verses. i have also witnessed some beautiful choruses composed perfectly with everything leading up to it, even when i was lost in it all.

part of me hopes more than anything that at the end of it all, it will mean something.

part of me hopes more than anything that at the end of it all, it will be beautiful.

part of me hopes more than anything that at the end of it all, someone will see it.

part of me hopes more than anything that at the end of it all, someone will use it.

PEOPLE IN THE PLACE! IF YOU WANNA GET DOWN-AH!

2009-09-26T19:59:00.004-07:00

...i be rockin', them, beats.

i'm starting to love hip hop and pop the more that Younglife forces me to listen to it. Younglife has forced me to do a lot of things in my life and i'm starting to realize that it's always for my own good. so i can't be too bitter. hah.

mmm! i have a new phone! and i'm going to start using it like a planner/organizer like a normal person would. i don't know WHY i haven't thought of doing that before. dumb.

this was the first weekend in awhile that i "manually" planned for myself...lately i've either had a trip planned or big events that i had to go to. and after tomorrow that will begin once more...i'm going to the Balloon Festival in Albuquerque next weekend and then College Weekend at Lost Canyon the weekend after that. it's been nice being able to do everyday stuff...like laundry. and cleaning. and reading.

also, i need a job. the only thing i can think of right now is a coffee shop type of thing, whether that be full-fledged Starbucks or like Barnes & Noble Starbucks status. not sure yet. but it's something that has become a necessity as of late.

hmmm i can't think of anything too thought provoking to bring up to keep you meditating for the rest of the day. i've been thinking about how i don't agree with the line drawn between what we call science and what we call art as a culture. i find science to be very artistic and beautiful and there is definitely a science to art as well. and as much as i love thinking about the two together in such a way, it saddens me to know that i will probably never be able to effectively get my point across on the matter. maybe one day i'll try.

for now, it's time for Yann Tiersen and some tea.

love!

my life vs. Life

2009-09-13T18:20:00.003-07:00

my life in Phoenix as of September 13th, 2009 seems to be comprised of such things:

CD mixes
my Macbook
Soffes shorts
Hanes V-necks
classes/online articles
Younglife meetings/Club
parents' house/ sometimes Maddy
my phone
Cup of Noodles
Verner's ginger ale
fans on high speed due to...
heat
unstable drivers
never-ending laundry
small group
weekend after weekend either out of town or busy as eff
writing scripts
the endless fear of weight gain
baby powder
too many journals to keep up with
a barely-used guitar
books i want to read
4am Magazine
time i never spend the way i wish to

the last one i mentioned has been looming over my thoughts the most lately. sometimes i'll look back on my entire day and remember absolutely nothing significant taking place. i didn't seem to get anything done that i needed to or desired to, and for some time i didn't understand why that was. then there are times where my heart is in a completely different plane of thought and direction and i wonder whether anything i do at the moment is worth the time or the effort. i mentioned this to Tracey at my last small group, and she talked about how cracking down and just DOING what needs to be done rather than simply having intentions in that direction is something that she feels my entire generation struggles with. i realized a lot about myself that night in other ways as well...ways that i have been prideful and selfish without even being aware of it. long story short, you'll hopefully be seeing a more proactive and expressive Katelyn from now on, because the way i've been living life has barely been for anyone other than myself.

that's all for now. Leader Weekend at Lost Canyon was amazing, and i got some great tips about how to make Club even better and still remain energized to follow through with it every week.

i'm overall excited for the present and the future. i honestly see a few clouds and some darkness ahead...close enough to feel the effects of already...but i am running with no less speed and no less fervor toward Life and Love. and that direction always is, and forever will be, forward.

as always, i love you guys.

"The cure for pain is in the pain"

2009-09-09T17:14:00.002-07:00

i knew the moment i picked up My Upmost For His Highest to use as a devotional that it would kick me in the pants. i knew it would be more relevant than i was comfortable with in my life and that i'd be tempted to put it on my bookshelf after about a week. well...yeah. i was right.

but i haven't given into my pride just yet, and there is a specific entry that i personally struggle with more than almost anything right now. maybe sharing it can bring others enlightenment on the subject as well:

God's Purpose or Mine?
We tend to think that if Jesus Christ compels us to do something and we are obedient to Him, He will lead us to great success. We should never have the thought that our dreams of success are God's purpose for us. In fact, His purpose may be exactly the opposite. We have the idea that God is leading us toward a particular end or a desired goal, but He is not. The question of whether or not we arrive at a particular goal is of little importance, and reaching it becomes merely an episode along the way. What we see as only the process of reaching a particular end, God sees as the goal itself.
[....] God is not working toward a particular finish -- His purpose is the process itself. What He desires for me is that I see "Him walking on the sea" with no shore, no success, nor goal in sight, but simply having the absolute certainty that everything is all right because I see "Him walking on the sea."
[....] God's purpose is to enable me to see that He can walk on the storms of my life right now. If we have a further goal in mind, we are not paying enough attention to the present time. However, if we realize that moment-by-moment obedience is the goal, then each moment as it comes is precious.

i'm realizing more and more that life is not about the events i fit into it or the opportunities i seize while i'm here. life isn't about goals. the purpose of life lies in the definition of life; processes, journeys, and lessons. goals only distract me from the beauty of my growth in the present.

i entitled this entry using quotes from one of my favorite bands, because growth and processes seem to go hand-in-hand with pain. and understanding pain is like trying to understand life; the cure for pain is in the pain, just as the purpose of life is in the definition of life.

just thought i'd share. time to get my Younglife on.

on Christ and Albuquerque.

2009-09-08T11:57:00.004-07:00

first of all, i wish that my "profile picture" in this blog was one with me as a redhead, but i can't bring myself to change it. oh well.

second of all, God is out of control. always. once you finally lift both your feet off the ground and go where He takes you every minute of the day, you realize that He works in the biggest of ways through the littlest of circumstances. and sometimes those big ways are just the slightest tweak in thinking or acting, which feels small at the time but, if you stick to it, will change your entire life.

also, if nothing else has convinced me of the reality of Christ, the heart i feel inside me that is not mine has. i grow more and more capable of loving someone with an overflow of joy and seeing through their actions into the heart behind those actions. i am now willing and able to love [and therefore live] like Christ does...it's insane. i have had His eyes and His voice and His heart as my own when someone who has hurt me has looked at me in confusion and wonder as i've told them that i will never leave them or stop loving them and they are worth the struggle of being fought for like that. that is NOT Katelyn Lover...because Katelyn Lover would never let anyone in close enough to even love her, let alone hurt her. i can't say this change is less painful or more tangibly rewarding, but i can feel the significance of it with every breath i breathe into this heart.

some of those thoughts and revelations have come out of my weekend trip to Albuquerque, NM to visit some friends. the trip was decided on Wednesday, began Thursday night around 2am and ended last night around 3am. Missy, Rikki and i surprised them at UNM after their classes and then found time to hang out with them throughout the weekend. the trip consisted of such things as:

CD mixes played over and over again [if my CD player allowed].
sunrises over I-40.
going almost 90mph to get to our friends and some beds to sleep in.
planning all the ridiculous ways we could surprise them...we got pretty creative.
getting there and basically running inside to go sleep - i was shaking from being so tired!
driving to UNM, trying to find the friends, finally finding them and not surprising them as planned but surprising them nonetheless.
eating things such as cans of uncooked refried beans, Cup of Noodles, Fruit Snacks, and bananas.
only drinking water, ginger ale, or gatorade.
spooning each other awake and making each other feel awkward or uncomfortable on purpose...seriously the three of us girls reached a new level of bonding this weekend.
me packing like a retard and basically never wearing the right thing for what we did during the day.
NO ONE taking pictures...we were too busy actually having fun rather than taking pictures to prove to everyone else that we were having fun.
important and significant talks about all sorts of things.
four-wheeling, feeling the release and peace of freedom in driving them.
laying in grassy parks with closed eyes, listening to friends all around.
the evolution of new inside jokes and funny "you just had to be there" stories.
getting pulled over by d-bag cops for idiot reasons.
saying goodbye and driving home.
basically running inside to sleep again out of sheer exhaustion.
waking up happy to have gone and happy to be back.

so that's that. i love my Albuquerque friends and what they seem to teach me without even realizing it.

alright friends there is stuff i HAVE to do today before i'm in class all night. i love you dearly and wish you only the best.

a simple update and a short question.

2009-08-21T15:45:00.002-07:00

i haven't written in awhile for a lot of reasons.

one of those reasons would be that i spent a month of my summer doing Summer Staff up at Lost Canyon. it was the best month of my life thus far and i could write for hours about how God used my job there and the people there to grow me significantly. i may eventually do that, but not for now.

another of those reasons would be that things keep changing by the hour...sometimes even by the minute...in my heart and mind. i would have to blog five times a day to keep you updated with all of that. so i've decided to simply keep all that nonsense out of here altogether and give you what may last a little longer.

here's a question i've been asking myself the past few days: a person is told to guard their heart for it is the wellspring of life (Proverbs 4:23)...but did Christ do this? i can't think of any moment in His interactions with people in which He denied them more of His heart. i never read about Him taking the safe way out of a situation so that His heart wouldn't get hurt over it. so why are we told to do so?

i may be interpreting that proverb incorrectly or even Christ's life incorrectly. or maybe the answer is that God is strong enough for that kind of love but we would be crushed under its weight if we did not guard ourselves. i don't know.

i should probably continue writing the article i'm blowing off to write in here. i love you all and i'm glad to be back. :)

oh, the adventures in letting go...

2009-07-08T00:22:00.003-07:00

this summer is out of control. or maybe, it's that i am out of control this summer. let's see if i can break some of it down...

i dyed my hair red. i am not the type who generally does that sort of thing. i have kept my hair some shade of blonde since eighth grade, and that was only because my natural blonde hair was darkening. there was always something holding me back from branching out. i either had a boyfriend who had an opinion or a crush that i assumed would have an opinion...it was clear in the end that there was no one other than myself who was holding me back. so this opportunity came up and i took it, intentionally refusing to over-analyze my way out of it. i had to grieve the loss of my platinum look, but am now in love with my auburn hair. for some [if not most] people, this isn't that huge of a deal. for me, given the reasons why i had shied away from it before, this was a liberating and revolutionary decision for me. maybe that gives you a glance at all the internal battles i put myself through on a daily basis. bah.

as of yesterday, i am going up to Lost Canyon at the end of the week and staying there for a month on Summer Staff. that was yet another decision i decided to make without any safe guarantees of comfort or predictability. i just sort of made it happen, and it wasn't necessarily easy for me to do, either. i pushed through whatever i needed to in order to get my paperwork in and go through the tasks of becoming "qualified."

surface stories: Katelyn is a redhead and she's doing Summer Staff. cool.

deeper stories: Katelyn is finally abandoning her petty fears and living her life. what?

once i get back, i hope to bring you all pictures and stories and life changes of mine that can somehow impact your own life.

farewell for now. look me up in August.

man...talk about an update.

2009-06-23T01:54:00.002-07:00

the last few months have held some of the most significant times in my life up until this point. i know that i will forever be affected by them even if i forget their specific stories.

firstly, i became an aunt to Madelyn Elizabeth Delster. i have to be honest; all throughout Emily's pregnancy i was focused on how she was doing rather than the baby inside of her. i was appropriately excited to be an aunt, but i figured the excitement would increase once the baby was actually here. that day came on June 18th around 3pm, and i was shocked at how little of a difference holding that newborn baby in my arms made. sure, she was precious and i reluctantly gave her up when my turn to hold her was over, but i felt that way about all new babies when i held them. i didn't cry, i didn't become a new person, and i wasn't necessarily more happy either; my sister seemed to be doing worse after the pregnancy than throughout labor. i felt like she got in a bad car accident rather than had an amazing moment in her life, and what made me almost angry was that at one point, no one seemed to care how Emily was doing because they were facing the other way making baby noises at Maddy. i almost regretted becoming an aunt because of the toll it was taking on my sister. once i realized how uncommon [at least to my knowledge] my feelings were, i tried to evaluate what was going on inside of me or lack thereof; why does Maddy still seem like a surreal concept that i am emotionally detached from? why am i frustrated and discontent? why can't i find my role as an aunt in my heart?

i'm still answering these questions, but i have generally come to the conclusion that my love for Maddy is going to grow through quality time, just like most of my love grows. also, i am pretty much positive Emily would've gone through this process for as long as she needed to in order to have had Maddy, so i can be at peace with how she is doing as well in all of this.

so that was one pretty huge development in my life. another one was the realization of how horrible i am at conflict resolution; and even deeper than that, how emotionally distant i keep myself from the people i love. i have brokenness in places that i had never realized, so i am beginning the process of a painful recovery in that area.

this next significant part of my life is something that is both humorous and serious. it helps me stay level-headed and healthy in one of the hardest areas in my life to control myself in: what do you think? men. i know i am not alone in the struggles i have had with mulling endlessly over the way a guy is acting toward me. even if i am not interested in the guy at all, i tend to analyze the guy's every move and word to try to get inside their head and figure out their intentions. it goes further than that, but this is not the time or place to be vulnerable and open about such things! anyway, with some help from the movie He's Just Not That Into You, it has dawned on me that if a guy wants to ask me out, chances are he'll ask me out. i don't agree with generalizing a personality type for all guys or all girls, and therefore don't mean to say that shy guys don't exist or aren't manly. but when it comes to the type of guy i personally am looking for, directness and a sense of drive are both important. so in my case, the right guy will most likely be the pursuing type in all areas of life, therefore fitting into the type of guy that the movie was basically talking about.

you'd think it would suck to realize that certain guys were never that interested, but it is so incredibly liberating. you can move on with your life and do your thing until a guy comes around who considers you worth the effort of pursuit. and the more i think about it, the more i would hate actually being with a guy who didn't mean what he said and had all these hidden meanings in his words like i thought he did when i was cracking the code of whether he liked me or not. i'd rather just be friends with a bunch of honest and direct guys while remaining single forever than have to put up with encrypted conversations in some dysfunctional relationship.

i'm not trying to preach about guys being the leaders and wearing the pants in relationships and what not. i am actually quite feminist about relationship/gender roles. all i am trying to shed light on is how guys generally work, and that seems to naturally involve pursuit on their part. this isn't true in every case, but for me personally, i know it will be. and that's why it's such a significant discovery for me. :)

that's all i have energy to write about with some quality for now. i hope this is turning out to be a special summer for all of you as well.

adios.

a shove mistaken for a push.

2009-05-25T11:36:00.003-07:00

at this point in time, the majority of my friends are either in semi-serious relationships or are engaged.

my sister is having a baby.

my friends' sisters are having babies.

people are moving away permanently.

people are graduating college.

some, if not all, of these things will most likely come my way in time, and this is not a "what about me?" pity party blog. but for awhile i did indeed feel like i was waiting for a delayed flight at the airport of life while others were happily boarding their planes. i knew God assigned every flight with intricate intentions and for so long it was a daily difficulty to swallow the reality of waiting for the desires God has gardened in my soul; such things as genuine and fierce love, purposeful travel, and accomplishing hard-reaching [academic] goals.

but then this weekend happened, and it happened in a strange way with strange people. i probably shouldn't talk about Friday too much, but there were a few experiences that incorporated my past and my future in a humorous way.

Saturday started out with a great wedding, and the Blair, Missy, and i found ourselves at the Biltmore Fashion Center afterward. as we were walking around, Missy and i both started getting some serious aches in our knees since it was humid and we'd hurt them in the past. my knee felt like it was going to collapse on itself if i put too much pressure on it. at one point we were about to use stairs to get to the second story of Borders and i had genuine fear about doing so because of my knee. that's when i realized...I AM GETTING OLD!! only older people are scared of using stairs for such reasons!! and i sort of flipped out on the inside and wondered how much worse it is going to be when i am legitimately older. sure, after not walking on my knee so much and using my knee brace, it didn't hurt so bad. but still...i am twenty-years-old...i should be able to run and bend and fly without hurting or breaking, right? oh how mortal the body becomes. then while changing in a dressing room i realized that i am not as skinny as i used to be, which says a lot about where my metabolism is going. whoopee.

okay, so Sunday [yesterday] is the day of this past weekend that really stood out to me the most. church happened, which did what it seems to be doing more and more lately; point me in a different direction than it is heading as a whole. not to say that they are on a wrong path, but their focuses in ministry are no longer mine, and it would be a disservice to them and to God for me to force myself into what they are trying to do. so that dealt with my thoughts of the future some.
and then the same thing happened when i was hanging out after church and just so happened to look over at the group of people i spent the majority of my life in high school with. seriously, when i wasn't at school, i was with these guys. i probably got four hours of sleep on average a night because these crazy kids would stay up and live off of QT drinks and video games. i loved each of them dearly in unique and special ways and i would not be who i am today without the love and the frustration and the hard times i have been through with them. they will always have a special place in my heart. so i looked over at them and realized...with a WHACK feeling...that they are still the same as they were six years ago, whereas i would not consider myself anywhere near who i was back then. they are also still friends with one another and no one [except significant others] has entered that circle, whereas the entirety of my social circle has flipped upside down and will never be the same as it was even two years ago. how did this make me feel? it made me feel like i am swimming with the current of time and of life while others seem to ignore it or stick close to the shore where it is safe. sometimes it is not pleasant and i feel like i have no roots or plans or distinct destinations, but good grief, i'm GOING somewhere! and on purpose! again, thoughts that showed me where i have come and where my future leads.
after church was a leadership appreciation party that was at a house in Litchfield Park, where i grew up. before i went there i drove around my elementary school neighborhood for the first time and couldn't keep a smile off of my face. i used to ride my bike anywhere and everywhere from my house...to school, to the park, and to the cool lake right beside the park. my friends all lived in the same neighborhood so i was rarely ever alone without wanting to be. i was so free. my childhood was sort of awesome for a time. there has been a lot of development in that area since the ten years ago that i moved away, but "Old Litchfield Road" still has most of its charm left in my eyes. as i was driving around and thinking about all that has happened to my life to bring me to where i am today, the first thing that came to my mind was "God, what in the world are You doing?" because there was so much drastic change in so many odd ways in my life and it didn't seem to point in one specific direction. the immediate answer He seemed to give was along the lines of "I can't tell you that, but trust Me when i say that it is something." and that was enough for me. as long as He is using my life with purpose, i don't care to know the reasons behind my memories. after the leadership party, i went back to that lake with Blair and Missy and we each had our own memories of going there as a kid.

like i said, in so many ways my past and my future found each other this weekend through my eyes being opened to my present. and that is what i mean when i write that such a mental journey revealed to me how i had mistaken the forceful and purposeful rapid of time to be a gentle push into the vagueness of nowhere-in-particular. and it gave me hope that i needed.

it gave me hope to think that one day i can look back on feeling this way and praise God for such a feeling, because only in feeling this way could i get to where i will be at that point.

it gave me hope to think that every tear that i cry only adds to the waters of joy that will shower me when all is said and done and i am finally called Home.

it gave me hope to think that even in the hardest of times, my God can hold me with the warmth of faith, because He knows how He Himself has written the end of my story.

it gave me hope to think that there was hope to be had.

in some ways, i am not sure how blessed i really am in being given the eyes to see such Light, but i pray that i have been given the gift of words to relay such Light to the blind and to the numb. having said that, i pray that today's joy will whisper His name into your ear, and that you feel the penetration of Heaven's excitement for what is next in your journey.

farewell for now.

hectic days.

2009-05-20T10:47:00.002-07:00

the majority of my free time has lately been dedicated to choosing and formatting songs that i'll be singing for worship for ASU West YoungLife's summer club. sounds easy, but it truly is not!

and then last night i went to see Flight of the Conchords with Blair for her birthday. it was phenomenal!

the first comedian ended up being a guy that is always on their show as a guy named Dave...in real life he's Arj Barker. his material was pretty funny, i suppose. but i decided i would post a video of one of my favorite clips of their show with him in it. for the more sensitive readers of mine, just know that it starts out a bit crude:

and then Bret and Jemaine went on. they talked between songs...or at least they tried to...and people kept yelling stuff at them from the audience. that part was annoying, but their responses to what they heard were actually really funny. here are a few that i distinctly remember:

some girl: take off your shirt!
Jemaine: whoa whoa...i'm pretty sure the description of this concert online where you probably purchased your tickets said something about, you know, two guys singing and telling jokes and what not...i'm not sure how you implied stripping in that description...i'm sorry to disappoint you. maybe, maybe we could get some jackets brought out to us? and then take those off?
Bret: yeah i think i could be comfortable with that.

so they got a guy to bring them jackets from their tour bus. they then proceeded to manually make this techno beat on one of the many silly instruments they had on stage and each took turns awkwardly and hilariously taking off their jacket.

and then...

some guy: David Bowie! [it's a song of their's]
Jemaine: [not hearing him correctly] did you just ask to bring out Murray? our manager on our show? you really think he's our manager?
Bret: yeah, see, the show is not a documentary. one thing that could have clued you in on that was the fact that the show features us randomly bursting into song. these sorts of things simply don't happen in reality. i don't really know why...i mean i guess we could start doing that sort of thing...but we haven't yet, and so the show still remains rather fictional.

and i might as well post one of my favorite clips of Murray on their show:

and then...

some guy: Free Bird!
Jemaine: oh that's...that's really not one of our songs...*starts playing/singing it*

he and Bret ended up doing the whole song...minus the crazy guitar solo at the end. it was way fun. there were a few times that they messed up their songs by singing the wrong verse or not remembering what comes next and that made the night even funnier. i realized that up until that night, i hadn't ever really seen them smile or laugh...not genuinely at least. it was really cool seeing that for the first time and knowing that they were probably enjoying themselves as well as the audience.

anyway, that is a very brief re-telling of last night. i should probably go practice the songs i'm planning on playing tonight for club.

have yourself a merry little Wednesday.

my people.

2009-05-15T00:32:00.003-07:00

Tuesday was my last day of finals, so i am officially on summer break. :)

i have spent the last few days with both friends and family, making them days that i have thoroughly cherished. through such people, i have been assured by the grace and warmth of God that i have never been as alone as i have previously allowed myself to believe.

my mom and i share a very similar personality and thought process. the other night at dinner, she was mentioning something to my sister about her upcoming baby shower, and since i told my mom that i would meet with her to help plan it once i could [and hadn't done so yet], i gave her a pointed glance. right when i looked at her, she looked at me with the same exact facial expression for the same exact reason. we both burst out laughing and ended up explaining the entire thing to everyone at the table. then, when we were picking up my aunt from the airport the other night and waiting at the gate, we kept making the same people-watching observations. all i had to say was something like "hmm...that's twice now" or "you appreciating that circling effect?" and she would know exactly what i was talking about and have her own thoughts about it. the best one was when she leaned over and said "we should have worn our hats" and i looked over and saw that an old lady was hanging out by the gate with a ridiculous foam hat that looked like a cockatoo bird on her head. it was amazing/out of control/wonderful and i did my best to handle myself.

then tonight was my small group. we made and ate dinner together and shared a few stories. at one point i realized that Blair and Missy and I all had our arms and hands placed in exactly the same way; our heads were resting on our right hands while our left arms were lying flat on the table with our fingers falling over the edge. i smiled to myself and thanked God for them right then and there.

my family has a funny story about me when i was young...we were either in Alabama or Florida and we were visiting an open house at a beach house that was for sale. it was furnished and had pictures everywhere. the pictures were meant to be family photos but clearly they were of another family. so i turned to my mom and my aunt with a concerned look on my face and said quite seriously "these are NOT our people..." and it has been a story told ever since. even to this day, my family uses the term "our people" to refer to the family as a whole.

as i have grown into myself the past few years, i have begun finding my place not only in this world but in my people as well. i extend that term to include my friends along with my family. in fact, i think i can extend that term out to mean any- and everyone that seems to hear the music that i hear in this world...the echoes of its Creator. the people who have my eyes and my thoughts and my words, and yet see and think and say what i cannot myself. the people whose hearts seem to be made of the same matter as mine. i have found such people in all ages, in both genders, and with different beliefs than myself. i really do consider them to be my people and i feel especially called to serve them with my time here.

that's all for now.

short. brief. to the point. and...some other word with a similar definition.

2009-05-09T12:27:00.009-07:00

i've been twenty for six days. they have been pleasant ones for the most part.

i recently just finished getting through the bulk of my stressful finals while simultaneously trying to plan the last YoungLife club of the semester. it was a worship night that i was both playing in and partially in charge of. bahhh it was stressful, and i ended up having to apologize to a few people for being quite impatient and snippy at them. when all was said and done though, it was an amazing night AND i felt confident about my school work. God is good.

at the moment, it is the early afternoon on a Saturday. i'm in the living room of my home sharing the couch with the beloved Cathi. she's playing mewithoutYou's Catch For Us the Foxes album on her laptop and i'm remembering what it was like to listen to them for the first time. they ignite a fire inside me that i don't feel is my own. it feels like a shared vision...a community's cry...a people's song. and i am clearly okay with it.

i have things i want to write about, but i think bringing them to God first would be wise to do before sharing them with anyone else. so it's off to my journal for now.

may today bring you the warmth that only His light provides.

on sleeplessness and misunderstanding.

2009-05-02T02:30:00.004-07:00

...on second thought, i don't think i'll add anymore to my previous blog. i think i said all that i needed to say.

it's 2:30am and i can't sleep. i blame that partially on the fact that a song on my iPod came up on shuffle mode that i hadn't really heard before and i wanted to look up the lyrics.

i have lately been making some interesting observations on how/if/when people understand each other. it is easy to sigh and say "oh well, i'm just misunderstood" and go about finding someone to hang out with who makes you feel better about yourself. but i'm beginning to wonder if i feel misunderstood sometimes because i'm the one failing to understand the person who misunderstands me.

here's a good example of what i mean: love languages. the more you evaluate yourself in relation to them, the more you see that you give and receive love in different languages. if i felt loved most through words of affirmation and my husband expressed love best through quality time, i would feel misunderstood in that aspect unless i understood him in that aspect. i could say he doesn't understand how to love me when really i am the one misunderstanding how he loves.

clearly i am not married, so i am not speaking from experience through that example. but lately i've had talks with friends about feeling misunderstood by people. one particular friend felt like the advice she got from someone about an issue in her life was not what she needed to hear at all and it made her feel unheard and misunderstood. as a third party, i could see that the person's advice was out of concern and an attempt to help my friend out, but it was obviously done in the wrong way. and though my friend had a right to feel the way she did, she maybe could have tried to understand the way that person communicated and how it was different than her and therefore most likely misunderstood on her end as well.

this new development of thought and perspective has really enlightened the concept of mercy for me. i am beginning to see that mercy is only possible when a sense of understanding has been found...whether that is understanding the person who wronged me or understanding my God who loves them. pretty cool stuff.

i hope the month of flowers brings blossoms into your life.

because He first loved us.

2009-04-23T22:55:00.002-07:00

We love because He first loved us.

1 John 4:19

i generally hear people throw in a "Him" between the words "love" and "because" in that verse and that becomes their response to the question "why should i/you love God?"

i'm sorry, but i have never in my life loved someone just because they loved me. their love for me may have let me see their heart in a vulnerable state which then allowed me to love them, but that makes their love only an avenue to the heart of theirs that i love, not the reason i love them. so then i loved their heart, not their love.

and at least for me, God's incomprehensible vastness and power does not automatically evoke love from me. fear? sure. but not love.

and if i were to be completely honest, Christ dying on the cross for me did not automatically evoke love from me either. it evoked a very deep and life-changing curiosity about a mystery i have been sensing my entire life, but i cannot honestly say that as a stranger to Him, what He did for me made me love Him for who He is. and i say that because i WAS a stranger to Him and therefore i could NOT love Him for who He was at that point.

if i found out a stranger somehow saved my life without my knowledge and i later found out that it was because he loved me, i would not automatically think "woe is me, i have no choice but to love him back!" i would rather think "who IS this guy??" and put in a significant effort to discover who he was. and that is what i believe what Christ did on the cross is meant to bring about in us. we are meant to feel called to a journey of discovering who He is, and that will inevitably become a love story.

well i had more that i wanted to talk about on this topic, but it may have to wait because i need some sleep for tomorrow morning. i'm going to get to see Madelyn for the first time. :)

goodnight friends.

oh so finally...moved in!

2009-04-19T22:02:00.003-07:00

alright so i just finished putting away all my books and clothes and i bought groceries earlier this evening, so i feel like i can officially relax and call this my home. :)

not to say that i ever thought that sharing a room with Missy would be a challenge, but i have been pleasantly surprised by how well our temperaments and lifestyles coincide. i think i'll keep this room cleaner than i did my room in my parents' house because i'm sharing it with someone else that i care about and whom i know to be quite fond of cleanliness. i'm always more motivated when someone else is involved, it seems...except group projects for school.

anyway, that's that. it's been a pretty big step for me that i will probably feel more of the weight of as time goes by. for now, it's rather great. :)

love you all.

a NON-philosophical update. relax.

2009-04-16T11:39:00.006-07:00

i'm officially moving in with Missy! i'm going over there to chat with her and Sarah and possibly Cathi about some general house stuff and then i'm planning on getting most [if not all] of my stuff over there by the end of Sunday. our small group is meeting over there tonight so i'm going right after class to get there early so me and Missy can coordinate where furniture can go and what not. one fun fact is that we both now have bedspreads from Target's DwellStudio line, so they go together really well and we can color coordinate like crazy! we'll have quite the time with it.

here is mine:

and here is Missy's:

we'll probably do a lot of brown accents and work with the green and orange somehow. we may even paint some canvases for our walls. yes...we are girls.

anyway, all i have left in my classes are my final papers and projects, it seems. and i'm okay with that. it hasn't really hit me that summer is approaching. last year i was pushing forward to it like no other, but this year i think i really am going to miss my classes. i picked some good ones. speaking of which, i need to go get ready for the ones i have today.

love you all.

Psychology ramblings.

2009-04-09T13:47:00.003-07:00

if you know me pretty well at all, you know that i am studying psychology, and that it is almost as intrinsic to my thinking as my love for music is.

in the specific classes i'm taking, i'm beginning to realize that Abraham Maslow was right in saying, "when all you have is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail." every issue is one that is psychological, according to the psychologist. every issue is one that is biological, according to the doctor. every issue is one that is spiritual, according to the pastor.

that's not necessarily something that i'm learning directly from my professors, it's just something i'm beginning to pick up on more and more. but aside from that, i really am learning about how incredible the human brain is and how much it directly influences our lives. that sounds rather obvious, but i have been around Christians my entire life who considered every thought, feeling, "random" emotional response, etc. to be utterly supernatural and "obviously" from the Lord. and they weren't old ladies who have a pin-sized view of the world, either.

so much...so incredibly much...of what you think, feel, believe, say, and desire depends on how your brain has developed up until now. a balance of genetics and environment have created synapses that you reflect as your personality and all that you consider your "self." even how you react to what i just said depends on all of this.

speaking of how you may react, i know plenty of people who would read all of the above and proceed to question my faith or consider all that i am learning to be misconceptions and lies that i am buying into. so i guess i should explain where my faith comes into this and how learning all of this has actually brought me closer to God than i ever thought possible.

it's the same process i went through when i started learning about other religions and seeing similarities between them and Christianity. at first, i felt like Christianity could just be put in the list of world religions with no distinctions or significance among the rest. i also met people who had knowledge, passion, and devotion to those other religions that i had only ever seen in the Christian community if at all. so it got me thinking...if what i believe is true, then what aspects of it make it distinctly the truth? it can't be JUST the history behind it, because other religions lean on history as well...it can't be JUST the passion and emotion it evokes, because other religions evoke just as much or even more passion from people...it can't be JUST how devoted its followers are, because that can be seen in other beliefs as well. so what IS Christianity?

i came to the conclusion that Christianity, stripped of all that humans dress it up in, is embracing the Love of God and the Person of Christ. everything else simply follows from that [you may think i am leaving important aspects out of that description, but i probably have a broader definition of "embracing" than you do]. and those things that follow from that are things that other belief-systems technically can stand behind as well, because we are all humans and have a fairly general range of reaction as a species.

so in the same way, after learning all that i have about the brain and the mind, i had to sit down and ask some really tough questions. it was a difficult process because i was beginning to see that so much of what has been deemed supernatural by the Christian community is actually quite physical in its psychological nature. so i started with that concept; supernatural. if i randomly feel something or think that i know something is going to happen and i cannot explain how or why that is, are such feelings and thoughts supernatural? not necessarily. that would mean that we have no true subconscious state of mind [which we do] and everything we are unaware of is from something outside of ourselves. can some of these feelings and thoughts be supernatural? sure, but to lean on that automatically is unintelligent because of what i just explained. i even wonder whether that is important to know or not, because either way, it's worth investigating the significance of that feeling.

i would even go as far as questioning whether or not there really is a dichotomy between something mentally created and something God-given. if God speaks to me through the complex and innumerable intricacies of synapses in my brain, as if He'd spent my entire life span weaving them together for this moment [which will bring me to the next and then to the next and so on], i feel that something that can completely be explained on a physiopsychological level such as that does not take away from the power and sovereignty of God in it all. i'm not saying that i believe God has intentions for absolutely everything coming out of one's subconscious, but that there's no reason why that couldn't be the vessel through which He works for those personal revelations people feel. so then is anything supernatural? a better way to ask my true question would be...does anything need to be supernatural in order for it to be from God? is that a concept that could technically be false?

i could go on about this, but this blog has gotten long enough and i need to go enjoy the rain while it lasts.

here's an early Happy Easter to ya.

Light of the world.

2009-03-26T22:40:00.003-07:00

in Matthew chapter five, it talks about how the body of Christ is meant to be the light of the world.

i have heard more than once the metaphor of being a lighthouse, so that all who are lost in darkness may find their way to the light we shine.

as of late, this has not sat with me well.

is it really believed that the body of Christ is meant to plant itself somewhere permanent and establish a culture and lifestyle and lingo that secludes itself from the outside world, with the mindset of "God will bring the lost to us"? are we to shine light afar from our comfortable bubble, leaving the journey up to the outsiders? and those who don't come, what of them? are they the wicked we are meant to stay away from anyway? are we to praise God for how thick our walls are, for now no one can influence us without our consent?

...what?!

Isaiah chapter sixty-two talks about Jerusalem's salvation being like a burning torch. are torches permanent? do they assume comfort and convenience? those who carry torches do not consider themselves physically at rest, and they are generally not alone. torches do not provide an ethereal or romantic light that is easy or simple or formulaic. it is fire. fire that is real and applicable and passionate and warming to all that go near it. fire that can only be tamed for so long. a torch-bearer relies on the fellowship of fire burning around them, so that their own fire may be fueled by that of others' through discipleship.

we are not meant to be a city on a hill, but we are meant to be just as spiritually visible and welcoming as one. and we are definitely not meant to be a weighty, stubborn lighthouse that distantly shoves "light" in people's faces and considers it their loss when they turn away in disgust.

we are meant to be a people on the move. we are meant to be a people who PERSONALLY love others, no matter where they have been or even where they are going. we are meant to be a people who own no walls, who allow ourselves to be haunted by the questions and burdens of the world to the point of questioning the very torches we hold. and how much stronger of a people we will be after such journeys, after such love, after such struggles and questions! only then can we consider ourselves to be living IN this world the way that Christ allowed Himself to live.

i can only faintly praise the Lord my God for such a calling to action, to vulnerability, to brokenness. for such things are the traits of a life in its fullest.

amen. with all of my heart, amen.

2009-03-26T15:42:00.003-07:00

i have roughly two and a half hours to hang out in the campus library before i need to be anywhere. i figure this is a good time to blog.

i think i'll share a few pictures that helped my love for India bloom. they are all by Steve McCurry. thankfully i have most of them in a huge album in my room.

scattered thoughts.

2009-03-23T13:38:00.005-07:00

still no word on the moving out situation. i'm not sure what's going on there.

so i had an odd idea on Friday...what if i were to actually put my books on my bookshelf? i had all my cute nick nacks and candles and yearbooks on it before and had all my books in stacks on any other available surface of my room. and my textbooks seemed most comfortable on the floor. thing is, to make room for my books, i had to get rid of some stuff i've kept for years on end. i wouldn't call myself a pack rat...just a reminiscent being...so throwing things away doesn't come easy for me. but i think getting rid of all that i truly do NOT need or use was good for me. now my books are on their designated shelves and i feel lighter and cleaner and more efficient in general.

i need to invest more time in my photography. i have lost motivation to take pictures but not the love to do so...also, people seem to enjoy them if they're from an event or place they were present for.

even more than in my photography, i need to invest more time in my music. i've recently decided that i am going to write and record and sell what i have to create and put whatever profit i get from it toward my mission to get to India. so look out for that.

anything else? nah. except that this semester is going by so fast! and i'm not complaining.

enjoy the weather today.

scrambled eggs and chai tea.

2009-03-14T11:12:00.003-07:00

tea only gets closer to my soul as time goes on. truly.

so i have an update on my latest blog about moving out! nothing is certain yet, but even if things don't work out with this particular situation, i have a feeling that i can find another avenue through which the moving-out process can proceed.

my close friend Missy just moved in with three of her friends, two of which i am getting to know pretty well, and she needs to share the master bedroom with someone. initially it was going to be with the other close friend Blair, but her situation shifted in a way that prevented her from being able to move in. at the moment, a very sweet girl Kim has first dibs on the spot, but she just got hit with some medical expenses that may prevent her from doing so as well. she is not sure yet about it, but according to Cathi, she will need to make a final decision by tomorrow.

and here we are to the point: if Kim ends up not being able to move in, i will be able to afford splitting the rent with Missy and then will be living in a house with some amazing friends! it is fairly close to my parents' house, so a) they don't feel like i'm too far away, b) i am already familiar with the area, and c) my work and school aren't significantly farther from that location than they were from the parents'.

and like i said, even if Kim ends up being able to move in with them, i know i'll be able to find a way through setting up a YoungLife house or something to be able to move out.

i guess i should go into why i want to move out, since it can sort of sound like i'm trying to run away from my parents or something. first of all, i am not one to create genuine friendships in a week's time. it takes general time, an accumulation of experiences with the person through that time, and some raw conversations about ourselves [either one-on-one or in a group] before i look at a person and with all my heart, call them a friend. and it is only with friends like these i would want to live with, especially if one of them was going to be my roommate. and this opportunity is the only one so far that has been that sort of dynamic for me. second of all, i didn't want to move out immediately once out of high school because i didn't want to get used to both college and a new home at the same time. thirdly, i am generally a "late bloomer" when comes to going through rites of passage, and i've been that way my entire life according to my mom. but when i am ready for it, i mean that i am ready. i mean that i am going to make it happen as soon as possible, because i know i'm ready, and i will not change my mind. it's just the way i am. and as you have just witnessed yourself, i said i was ready to move out and i will now possibly have done so by the end of the month.

i just wanted to clear some of that up, since i've had a few concerned "how are you?" comments come from those who knew i wanted to move out rather quickly. in general, i am fine. we all have our issues and struggles and tough growing stages, and i do not consider myself in any worse of a situation than that of anyone else.

also, everyone and their cousin is engaged right now! it's crazy. oh, romance. i'll take a rain check.

this blog has gotten long enough. if i keep going i won't be able to write about anything else for a month. i hope this Saturday warms your heart in a way that it never has before.

so long, for now.

thoughts/issues/feelings as of late.

2009-03-10T21:21:00.004-07:00

hey friends.

if you're the praying type, i ask you to keep me in mind when doing so for a few reasons. first, i am still unsure about how India will fit into my future. second, i'm going to start doing some more serious research into other graduate school opportunities other than George Fox in Portland. and thirdly, i am now going to begin looking into how/if/when i can move out of my parents' house.

the third decision listed is the one i am thinking about the most, since i want to make it happen before the year is over if possible. thing is, i would probably either have to quit my job or start training to be a server there, which would take up much more of my time and still may not be enough to fully support myself. then again, with this economy it may be my only option. bah.

i am looking forward to camping this weekend. maybe i'll finally have some worthwhile pictures to post on here!

we'll see. have a good one.

"his father was a drinker, and his mother cried in bed."

2009-03-07T23:07:00.003-07:00

if i talk about books, songs, and movies a lot, it's because they always seem to teach me something about myself or about life. having said that, i feel like talking about how i react to Sufjan Stevens' song "John Wayne Gacy, Jr."

it's about the famous serial killer from Illinois that raped and murdered thirty-something boys ranging from the ages of fourteen to twenty-one. he hid most of them in the crawl space under his house once they had decomposed too much for his liking.

what really stays with me from this song is the last few lines:

"and in my best behavior, i am really just like him
look beneath the floor boards for the secrets i have hid."

i automatically think of the verse in the Bible that says all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. does this mean we have all sinned to the same degree? we all needed the same Savior, so i suppose we indeed have. that makes me wonder, both in fear and in curiosity, of what the depths of my heart and mind would have to say for themselves if ever fully brought out of their murky and hidden depths. it also makes me wonder what would had to have happened to me throughout my life to have pushed me to the point of finding pleasure only in others' despair.

all i know is that i was spared from such a life, and knowing that such potential is inside of me and was withheld is somehow even more of a blessing than not having such potential at all.

Tolkien's at it again.

2009-03-02T22:26:00.003-07:00

to preface this blog, i will say that i have been reading The Silmarillion by J.R.R. Tolkien for the past month or so now, and it's been a bit of a rough read so far. it reads a lot like the Bible, in that a lot of the stories are really powerful but you have to add some of the emotion and dialogue yourself to it in order to really comprehend what is going on and what will come out of it. Tolkien's writing however is absolutely beautiful even in its mundane nature.

i started the book because it is the very first book related to the Lord of the Rings series...even before The Hobbit. it starts at the creation of Middle Earth and tells the stories of all the people and cities that are referenced throughout the later books. being one who enjoys having a thorough knowledge of any given subject, i decided i should give the book a shot.

so today i was in Starbucks for quite some time between classes and i got to a part in the book that describes a love story between a Man and an Elf that really stirred something inside of me. since i know you are devastatingly interested, i'll relay my favorite excerpts, which are about when the Man (named Beren) and the Elf (named Lúthien) first meet:

It is told in the Lay of Leithian that Beren came stumbling into Doriath grey and bowed as with many years of woe, so great had been the torment of the road. But wandering in the summer in the woods of Neldoreth he came upon Lúthien, daughter of Thingol and Melian, at a time of evening under moonrise, as she danced upon the unfading grass in the glades beside Esgalduin. Then all memory of his pain departed from him, and he fell into an enchantment; for Lúthien was the most beautiful of all the Children of Ilúvatar (God). Blue was her raiment as the unclouded heaven, but her eyes were grey as the starlit evening; her mantle was sewn with golden flowers, but her hair was dark as the shadows of twilight. As the light upon the leaves of trees, as the voice of clear waters, as the stars above the mists of the world, such was her glory and her loveliness; and in her face was shining light.
But she vanished from his sight; and he became dumb, as one that is bound under a spell, and he strayed long in the woods, wild and wary as a beast, seeking for her. In his heart he called her Tinúviel, that signifies Nightingale, daughter of twilight, in the Grey-elven tongue, for he knew no other name for her. And he saw her afar as leaves in the winds of autumn, and in winter as a star upon a hill, but a chain was upon his limbs.
There came a time near dawn on the eve of spring, and Lúthien danced upon a green hill; and suddenly she began to sing. Keen, heart-piercing was her song as the song of the lark that rises from the gates of night and pours its voice among the dying stars, seeing the sun behind the walls of the world; and the song of Lúthien released the bonds of winter, and the frozen waters spoke, and flowers sprang from the cold earth where her feet passed.
Then the spell of silence fell from Beren, and he called to her, crying Tinúviel, and the woods echoed the name. Then she halted in wonder, and fled no more, and Beren came to her [....] Thereafter often she came to him, and they went in secret through the woods together from spring to summer; and no others of the Children of Ilúvatar have had joy so great, though the time was brief.

i think i loved this story so much because i know that it was inspired by J.R.R. Tolkien's own love story with his wife. she danced for him in the woods when they were young, and i can just imagine him writing this as fast as he could before his memory faded into something more dull and blurry. there is obviously a supernatural aspect to Lúthien with the changing of seasons and such, but i wonder if Tolkien really did add anything to her that he did not see in his wife. i wonder if she really did initiate the season of spring, even if just in his heart. i don't remember when she died but i know she died before he did, and so i am sure he felt that their time together was both joyous and brief just as with Beren and Lúthien.

i guess you could say that i love how fantastic and yet how realistic such love is. sometimes i wonder if only those who have been through sorrow can know joy like that...i know The Prophet talks about it, but i can't quote it because a friend has it at the moment. something about how pain can be like the digging deeper of a well and joy is the water that comes out of it...therefore making pain necessary for joy. something like that.

i need sleep. dream of the sweeter things tonight.

"Child, it's only time...it will go by."

2009-02-28T22:42:00.003-07:00

there are a lot of subjects i feel like writing about.

first of all, i think there's something to be said for heartbreakers. i speak for myself. i've hurt enough guys in my life just by being who i am and being as young as i was when i caused them pain. i've also been on the receiving end of such pain, so i know how easy it is to feel like you were just used by a manipulative a-hole. but in reality, no one in that situation knows what they want...it's the heartbreaker who simply realizes it before the other person.

and being one who is familiar with relational pain...i can't think of anything worse than knowing that i've hurt someone because i didn't know what i wanted. i left them for something i couldn't define. i had nothing concrete to show them that it was the right decision. knowing something painful is right and then having no reassurance when all is said and done accumulates to a heavy load to carry on your heart.

another subject...i haven't been truly healthy in about a week and a half's time. there's always something my body seems to be fighting off, and never do i catch my breath when tomorrow comes...not the extent that i feel necessary.

it reminds me of something a mentor of mine once said...it went along the lines of "for some reason, i was once always waiting for things to get easier." it broke me and freed me from the thought of God holding out on me, because life isn't supposed to be easy. sure, we're meant to prosper, but since when has that been a walk in the park? anyway, somehow being sickly and not even having breathing as an easy task has led me down this mental road.

also, "Be Here Now" by Ray LaMontagne is my temporary favorite song. i plan on listening to it until i am utterly sick of it.

all the best to you.

"Come quick, you Light that knows no evening."

2009-02-26T23:31:00.003-07:00

i just got back from my first walk in awhile. i had forgotten how disoriented my body temperature gets...how frustrated my leg muscles get...how there's always that fear that some creeper is hiding out in the bushes...how my music always sounds a bit clearer and sweeter in my ears...and how i can be spending time with Him without saying a word.

tonight's album was mewithoutYou's Catch For Us the Foxes. just enough anger to keep me power-walking and just enough joy for me to be enjoying myself. it was a good walk and i needed it.

i had small group tonight and for the most part that was a good time, but after awhile i just felt like going home. sometimes i'm emotionally and mentally not up for it all.

so i guess it's time for some Lost and The Office. quite the combo.

later, folks.

SO excited!

2009-02-20T22:18:00.004-07:00

i have been wanting to go overseas for a really long time, but every time i think of "overseas" i think of Africa. i do want to go there eventually, but not with all of my heart. and also when i think about mission trips, i think of either construction work, feeding people, playing with kids, and/or straightforward evangelism. i also would love to do all of those things, but they aren't my forte at all and i would feel like i couldn't really contribute much because i have never been good at those things. even playing with kids can be difficult for me.

but i recently realized that for the past year or so, God has really given me a significant draw to India. there is something about that place that makes my mouth go dry and my heart lighten, and at the same time i feel the hurt and the burden of its beautiful people and i ache for them. a few days ago i decided that i could not hide any longer from the fact that i need to go there and maybe stay there for awhile. so i decided further that i was going to put some real effort into finding my way there, even if it was just some trip to clean out their gutters. i would do what i could to the best of my ability and would love every minute of it.

so today i was exploring different ministries that went to India and found one called Heart of God Ministries. it stood out to me because it offered what is called "Ethnomusicology" which entails that after five months of training i could go with a church planting team, learn the musical styles of the people, and create worship songs for them. when i read that, i about died with joy! it is an opportunity to do what i LOVE to do more than anything in a place that i am already in love with! and all this time i thought that i would be doing something that i couldn't be good at or ever really impact anyone with. what a lie. God doesn't make someone good at X and call them to do Y. He doesn't give me a heart for His music and then send me off to build houses. He creates with purpose and planning and then fulfills those purposes and plans. i can't say that i feel 100% called to this particular opportunity, but it has at least opened my eyes to all the possibilities of ministry overseas, particularly in India.

all i ask is that you begin to pray for further information and guidance in all of this. i have the opportunity to change my life forever depending on my decisions in these next few months. i will be doing what i can to give Him control of it all.

well there's nothing left to say for me. except praise God.

Morning Glory.

2009-02-12T10:21:00.004-07:00

i randomly woke up at 8:10am this morning and could do nothing to go back to sleep. i went to sleep around 2am, mind you.

i wish every morning could be this way. in fact, that's part of the reason i chose classes later in the day this semester; i wanted to enjoy my mornings. i love having so many more hours in my day and seeing shadows outside that are usually in the sunlight by the time i wake up. also, the coffee is fresh and the cheeky Good Morning America is on.

i'm starting...starting...to write my music again. i knew i was having difficulty before because i wasn't really opening up or being honest in my investment, but those were not things that i felt i could change on my own. i wish there was an Open Me switch in my heart that i could turn on and off. but alas, a person who is closed-off is usually hidden from themselves as well, and so i myself did not even know what was inside of me. if anything has shown me the mystery God has wrapped me in, it has been this journey of self-discovery. and so i suppose a better way of putting all of this would be that God has graciously and lovingly been revealing more and more of Himself to me, and in such a revelation i was only bound to discover myself as well. and therein lies my renewed motivation to create; specifically, to create music.

i was talking to my mom the other day about how, even though i ADORE my sister, i have felt the cold of her shadow as of late [which is awkward to say since she'll probably read this...hah]. i remember especially feeling it when her wedding was around the time of my first prom, and i had to pry my mom away from wedding plans to go help me pick out a dress. and she seemed to only come because Emily came along too and they could talk wedding-talk the entire time. being sixteen and self-absorbed, i was a bit perturbed. four years later and i'm feeling the same left-out feeling but without the bitterness, because even though it kind of sucks, it makes sense as to why this is the way that it is.
Emily is married, just recently moved into her first house, is now pregnant, and is starting a significant job in her life. all of those achievements took [and are still taking] hard work and allow for life-changing steps into the future. they ARE important and they ARE worth celebrating every single day. their blog is full of exciting news and updates that are totally worth reading and commenting on.
in comparison, my life up until now has been an internal journey for the most part. and that is important too, because i know that God is preparing me for a life that will take all of the mental and emotional strength that i am gaining right now. my life on the outside looks easy and healthy and consistent, but my heart has been through battles that my body could never have survived, and every smile on my face is given to me by the grace of God Himself. and so all i have to write about are things that people can't really comment on too much, and therefore pass over. my life is one yet to be visible, which can make me feel terribly lonely and lackluster and base. i don't have a husband or a house or a baby or a "real" job to live life with and through. but i hold onto the promise that God has plans of prosperity for me, and that my life can in fact be seen, even if just by His eyes for now. and so while Emily now enjoys the light and the heat of the sun, my source of heat and light comes from within, and will soon allow for the sun to stain my face just as it did for her.

hmm...what else? i've had pretty vivid dreams lately, but they're a bit too hilarious for me to take seriously. plus, i've never been one to interpret too much into dreams. God finds me in other ways.

also, over the past year now i have developed some of the deepest friendships i've ever comprehended. there are things that i do for my friends that i have only ever done with boyfriends, such as share something with someone just because i know it will make them happy, and being terribly excited to witness that happiness myself. sounds simple, but it really is a big step for me.

that is that. i love you all. go listen to some good music and learn something new about yourself.

The Prophet: On Beauty

2009-01-15T00:31:00.003-07:00

"And a poet said, Speak to us of Beauty.
And he answered:
Where shall you seek beauty, and how
shall you find her unless she herself be your
way and your guide?
And how shall you speak of her except
she be the weaver of your speech?

The aggrieved and the injured say,
'Beauty is kind and gentle.
Like a young mother half-shy of her
own glory she walks among us.'
And the passionate say, 'Nay, beauty is
a thing of might and dread.
Like the tempest she shakes the earth
beneath us and the sky above us.'

The tired and the weary say, 'Beauty is
of soft whisperings. She speaks in our spirit.
Her voice yields to our silences like a faint
light that quivers in fear of a shadow.'
But the restless say, 'We have heard her
shouting among the mountains,
And with her cries came the sound of
hoofs, and the beating of wings and the
roaring of lions.'

At night the watchmen of the city say,
'Beauty shall ride with the dawn of the east.'
And at noontide the toilers and the way-
farers say, 'We have seen her leaning over
the earth from the windows of the sunset.'

In winter say the snow-bound, 'She shall
come with the spring leaping upon the hills.'
And in the summer heat the reapers say,
'We have seen her dancing with the autumn
leaves, and we saw a drift of snow in her hair.'
All these things have you said of beauty,
Yet in truth you spoke not of her but of
needs unsatisfied,
And beauty is not a need but an ecstasy.
It is not a mouth thirsting nor an empty
hand stretched forth,
But rather a heart enflamed and a soul
enchanted.

It is not the image you would see nor the
song you would hear,
But rather an image you see though you
close your eyes and a song you hear though
you shut your ears.
It is not the sap within the furrowed bark,
nor a wing attached to a claw,
But rather a garden for ever in bloom and
a flock of angels for ever in flight.

People of Orphalese, beauty is life when
life unveils her holy face.
But you are life and you are the veil.
Beauty is eternity gazing at itself
in a mirror.
But you are eternity and you are
the mirror."

well hey!

2009-01-13T01:04:00.002-07:00

i finally have the internet back on my laptop! more late nights of writing things that make only partial sense to me in the mornings!

i've hit somewhat of a dead end with the story i'm writing. i have been needing some inspiration and stimulation for awhile, and i think i found it. :) i'm still unsure of what direction i plan on taking the story though. there are so many parts of myself that i want to weave through my words, but i'm VERY unsure of how that would be accomplished. i don't want it to read like a journal of mine.

in other news, i am pretty excited for the classes i am taking this spring. Forgiveness & Reconciliation, Applied Ethics, Developmental Psychology, and Memory & Cognition. WAY too much of the awesome ahead.

NEWS FLASH: Limewire magically started working again, so i am going to go download as much music as i can before it leaves me again! i'm like Noah from The Notebook, sucking as much out of my love as possible before she fades!

...yes, it's 2am.

a Christmas Special.

2008-12-25T16:36:00.002-07:00

This is the sixth Christmas I will have spent in this house. So many different memories and circumstances…always the same holiday. I can remember all of them.

The first was only a few months after we moved here and I was a freshman in high school. I remember going to a Christmas party with the youth group from church and coming home to watch It’s a Wonderful Life with my mom. I had some infatuation with a guy and was constantly wondering what he was doing for Christmas. I remember specifically getting Yellowcard’s CD and a TI-83 calculator that year. And there were also very cute Christmas toe socks as well. I remember wearing them to my Algebra 1-2 class when I got back to school.

The second was a bit more pleasant and a little less codependent…a little. I had yet another crush on yet another guy and we were becoming really good friends. For Christmas he wrote me a three-page letter/explanation as to why I shouldn’t date in high school (I was a sophomore). It was pretty endearing and I think I read it through the Christmas Eve church service, which embarrassed him because he was right behind me and probably felt a little awkward. He came over Christmas night as well and ate Santa’s Whiskers cookies with me. Never heard of them? They are fantastic and you have yet to fully live your life. Also, I got my first digital camera as a present. It was a piece of crap but I loved it dearly.

By the third Christmas, I was dating this guy and we went to his mom’s annual/famous Christmas Eve party. I must admit I was being a brat and didn’t want to meet people or do anything besides hang out on the couch. For whatever reason, I just wasn’t socially competent by my junior year in high school. But we eventually went outside by the fire and I met his funny uncle who later said I was a hippie because of how I was dressed. I took it as a compliment. Now I’m just embarrassed. Hah.

My Christmas as a senior involved a different guy who I dated, and we went to Zoolights (a light show that the Phoenix Zoo has ever y winter). I was excited to use my new camera, which I got as an early Christmas gift. He brought a blanket that we shared while we walked around the zoo and we bought hot chocolate. It was a classic Christmas date. Everything about the kid and our relationship was classic…that’s probably why people liked it so much. It was easy to understand, and people like to understand things. And that’s also probably why I wasn’t with him by next Christmas…

Last year, my aunt and uncle spent about two weeks with us over Christmas break. it was very fun and we did a lot of things as a family. I wasn’t working and I didn’t realize that I was getting a month off of school until I looked online a few days after Christmas and saw that I didn’t go back to class until January 14^th. It was a great month off of all possible work…and I think I had a faint crush on yet another individual. Boys, always! But not this year…

This year, we celebrated Christmas yesterday morning, because my dad has to work for three days straight starting today. I loved getting things for people and seeing them excited about them. I bought my brother headphones just like everyone else on the planet apparently did, but I also got him Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, which sealed the deal for a great gift. I got my sister Burt’s Bees stuff for pregnancy care and got Mike a battery charger for his Wii remotes. My dad got The Dark Knight on Blu-ray DVD, which he totally loved. I got my mom many things…including a very cute and soft sweater, a utensil caddy, and Simon Burch on DVD because she has been nonchalantly looking for it on DVD for a few years now. I got a lot of awesome stuff too! Mike was feeling bad all day and Emily got worried about if he would be able to do worship for their church’s 5:30 service. She ended up asking me and my mom to help sing with them so that Mike wouldn’t have to so much. So we got ready really quick and went over there. It was the first time the three of us have sung together and it was pretty fun. I ended up having to sing Breath of Heaven for my sister because her throat wasn’t up to it at that point, and that didn’t suck too badly either. People said I did a good job, but I know better.

Today, being Christmas day, Emily and Mike came over again and he was feeling better. We watched Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants 2 and Mike was surprised at how much it wasn’t lame. They really are good movies! He and Emily went to his parents’ house about an hour ago and I am now in my messy room filled with dirty laundry, new presents and new Christmas toe socks. Life changes so drastically and consistently…I wonder why I haven’t gotten used to it yet. Just five years ago I was codependent and antsy. Now I’m about as emotionally independent as I could get and I am far from anxiety. Not necessarily in a happily-peaceful way, but in a way that hopefully helps God pave a clear road to where He wants me to have my adventure. I feel like I’m finally single…there finally isn’t anyone else in my life that I am (whether voluntarily or not) making decisions in light of, apart from Christ. I haven’t felt this way since about fifth grade. No joke. I’ve liked someone until I liked someone else, and so it would continue. God finally and painfully broke that cycle for me, because I couldn’t on my own. Part of me thinks that this is how I’m supposed to feel my entire life. Obviously I would have to make decisions in light of my husband were I to get married, but he won’t feed me the way I have fed on my previous boyfriends and crushes. There is a pastor that said once that both he and his wife are still single, and that totally makes sense to me.

My dog Buddy likes exploring the backyard, but he only does so when someone else is outside with him. If you were to just put him outside, he would sit at the door until he was let back inside. But if you were to go outside with him and just sit down somewhere, he may hang out with you for a few seconds but would soon be off doing his own thing. Once you want to go inside, he will run to the door with you even if he’s in the middle of something very interesting to his doggy mind. Plenty of times he has wanted to go outside and when I let the door open for him he turned around expectantly to let me know that he wanted me to go too. He doesn’t want to be outside unless someone is outside with him. He did so with me today, and since it was raining I stayed out a little longer than I usually do. It wasn’t the first time that I noticed his strange desire for company outside, but it was the first time that I realized that in my heart, I have done the same thing with others. I have said before that I recently realized that I wanted someone to witness my life but not share it with me, but I had never encountered such a real and living example of it as I did with mister Buddy today. I have wanted others to come outside with me. I wanted them to be in my life. A few obliged. We spent some great and loving time together, but eventually I went off to do my own thing, wanting them to stay outside but not necessarily to interfere with what I was doing. Once they tried to contribute too much or change things too drastically, I asked them to go back inside. But I went back inside too, looking for someone else to come outside with me. I didn’t want to do “my own thing” or basically live my life without someone watching me…without someone caring. I think this is the cycle that I am breaking away from. I am realizing that I always have someone witnessing my life, and He embellishes it like no one else could. He sure does change things drastically but my trust for Him only seeps deeper in the soil of my living love for Him. Maybe someday I’ll share such a precious life with someone else who knows how to love it and add to it the way He seems fit, but for now I guess He’s the only one up for the job or capable of it.

Basically, it’s been a great Christmas. I hope you can say the same, my friend

I Celebrate the Day.

2008-12-24T00:48:00.002-07:00

this Christmas song is one that i have listened to in my car many times this season. it has calmed my heart in the most frustrating of traffic and it has ripened the joy in an already-pleasant day. take the time to read the lyrics and apply them to your heart and your position in life right now. it couldn't hurt, right?

and with this Christmas wish is missed
the point i could convey
if only i could find the words inside to let You know
how much You've touched my life, because
here is where You're finding me:
on the exact same place as New Year's Eve
and from the lack of my persistency,
we're less than half as close as i want to be

from the first time that You opened Your eyes
did You realize that You would be my Savior?
and the first breath that left Your lips,
did You know that it would change this world forever?
from the first time that You opened Your eyes
did you realize that You would be my Savior?
and the first breath that left Your lips,
did You know that it would change this world forever?

and with this Christmas i'll compare
the things i've felt in prior years
to what this midnight made so clear:
that You have come to meet me here

to look back and think that
this baby would one day save me
and i hoped that, that You were
that You were born so i might truly live
to look back and think that
this baby would one day save me

from the first time that You opened Your eyes
did You realize that You would be my Savior?
and the first breath that left Your lips,
did You know that it would change this world forever?
from the first time that You opened Your eyes
did you realize that You would be my Savior?
and the first breath that left Your lips,
did You know that it would change this world forever?

and i, i celebrate the day
that You were born to die
so i could one day pray for You to save my life
pray for You to save my life
pray for You to save my life

Celebrate the Day - Relient K

Merry Christmas, friends.

ten feet under and upside down.

2008-12-18T01:14:00.003-07:00

i am quite in raptures over the recent and consistent rain. i think Portland will suit me well.

i'm almost looking forward to the awkward and handicapping fear of moving to a completely new place all alone. i need to get my blood pumping over something soon. life has been dull. relaxing, but dull. all i have to write about are thoughts...thoughts that can't really be applied or helpful. and such a dull life makes my visionary side go a little haywire, leading me down imaginary paths of "hope" and "joy." it's hard to explain. to put it simply:

i'm not doing anything that i feel is doing anything. i don't know what God is waiting for. i don't know why i feel like my life has yet to start, or has yet to retain significance. it's as if my life is only meant to sow for now, and never reap. and i'm afraid that i'm just missing something in this moment, and that i will always feel this way until i have yet to be confused about how to evaluate my own life.

there are so many things that i know, that i am sure of beyond a shadow of a doubt. but i can't feel them or live in the reality of them in the slightest.

i'm not in a storm. movement and actions happen in a storm. emotions are relevant in a storm. there's something to fight against. there's motivation in a certain direction rather than another direction. no, i am not in a storm.

i must be in the deep waters below, untouched by weather or currents, where all is the same color, the same sound, the same mood. but i haven't drowned. i'm just waiting for the surface to find me again, it seems.

there is peace here, but not the sort that brings joy. it's the kind that people wish upon their loved ones that have passed on. it is indifferent and eternal non-disturbance. it is the kind that explains why a heart that never really works to pump blood dies faster than one that does.

we must have a lot to go over, You and me.

as of 12-16-08.

2008-12-16T22:16:00.002-07:00

like everyone else, i seem to have found myself sick for the past week or so.

Nyquil and Vicks vapor patches have been my best buds lately.

but i'd much rather be sick and out of school than be healthy and ripping my hair out over classes.

i'm still writing, and it's still a blast.

it may be just because i've been sick, but i feel like i've been slipping away from my social circle a bit. my friends are hanging out with one another and i never seem to know about it or have the energy/time to go. i'm not getting sigificantly downcast about it or anything...it's no one's fault but my own...it's just been something that i've noticed. maybe i need some self-reflecting time before i involve my friends in this strange life of mine once more. i never really know why these things happen.

all i know is that i have loved the rain for the past few days.

hope you all have a Merry little Christmas.

two more days...

2008-12-07T21:56:00.002-07:00

i haven't been able to write in here much for two reasons.

the first is that i have had finals to finish for the past week or so.

the second is that i'm actually writing like i said i would! i don't know where it's going to take me, if anywhere. all i know is that i love it and i love having a few of my "visions" out of my head and in a more productive state where something may actually happen to them.

and like i said before, i will share once i have finished the segment i am working on.

when we meet again, i will be in a more peaceful state. :)

a start.

2008-11-30T20:36:00.002-07:00

i think part of the reason why i loved the Twilight books so much is because Stephenie Meyer was so inspired to write by her dreams and her music. she constantly just had stories to tell that would come from some sort of personal experience.

and this inspires me.

i'm somewhat of a visionary. and there is always some form of a picture in my mind, especially with my synesthesia. i have many stories to tell.

but just like with Stephenie, these are going to stick with just me for awhile.

still, i'm really excited. :)

the past and its meaninglessness.

2008-11-28T01:04:00.003-07:00

sometimes i indulge myself with reading my old journal entries and such from a few years back. they're entertaining and remind me of things/times/people i'd forgotten about. even if at the time i swore i'd never forget it. hah.

it's funny how little truly impacts your life in relation to how much you think it does. in a way, it gives me hope to think that at some point in my future, i can feel truly new and whole and detached from my past. lately for different reasons, that has been a problem.

what once felt like a restraint now feels like a savior. i was once tied up and burning at the stake and am now holding onto that stake for dear life. because there are some things that need to burn away...to irrevocably change form and appearance.

and now i see that in the end...nay, by the end...it wouldn't have made a difference anyway.

today's passings.

2008-11-26T15:21:00.003-07:00

my day has consisted of rainy walks with my doggy-friend Buddy, organizing a plan to start getting my final school assignments taken care of, black coffee, my favorite strawberry ice cream, and one of my favorite movies Cold Mountain, which is happening as we speak.

i am rather joyous of the rest of the week without classes. and the holidays approaching. and the presents i plan on making/giving.

i have a strange feeling that this winter holds something out of the ordinary for me. we'll see.

have a good one, friends.

The Prophet: On Marriage

2008-11-23T21:09:00.003-07:00

"Then Almitra spoke again and said, And what of Marriage, master?
And he answered saying:
You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.
Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow."

The Prophet: On Love

2008-11-19T13:59:00.005-07:00

my aunt bought me this little book called The Prophet for my 18th birthday and every now and then i fall in love with it all over again. lately, today, right now, it is the medicine my soul has longed for. it's an extension of almost everything i think and feel on certain subjects, plus a little more. so i'll share different segments with you all from now on for your philosophical and theological pleasures. enjoy.

"Then said Almitra, Speak to us of Love.
And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them. And with a great voice he said:
When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are high and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams
as the north wind lays waste in the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant.
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.

Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possess not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say,
'God is in my heart,' but rather, 'I am in the heart of God.'
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips."

i am cleaned and made whole. i am satisfied and i am joyful.

today is a good day. :)

i love you all.

beh.

2008-11-18T02:26:00.004-07:00

i have a lot i want to write about. random tangents of thought and observation. songs that tear into me. people that are melded to my heart to the point of becoming part of my heart...therefore leaving me never to be the same.

He sure is doing a number on me.

i just wish i had something else...someone else...to talk about besides myself. maybe that's why being alone is so suffocating. maybe it's because all i have to rest my eyes on is a mirror, which hardly brings rest.

this is my prayer, my hope, my song:

how long have i been in this storm?
so overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
the water's getting harder to tread
with these waves crashing over my head

if i could just see You...everything would be alright
if i'd see You...this darkness would turn into light
and i will walk on water
and You will catch me if i fall
and i will get lost into Your eyes
i know everything will be alright
i know everything is alright

i know You didn't bring me out here to drown
so why am i ten feet under and upside down?
barely surviving has become my purpose
because i'm so used to living underneath the surface

if i could just see You...everything would be alright
if i'd see You...this darkness would turn into light
and i will walk on water
and You will catch me if i fall
and i will get lost into Your eyes
i know everything will be alright
i know everything is alright
everything's alright

Storm - Lifehouse

Amen.