i didn't want anything for Christmas...God didn't care. :)

this was another Christmas full of comfy socks and family fun. my dad was finally able to get Christmas off, so we were able to celebrate yesterday rather than Christmas Eve or even the day before like we've had to do in the past.

i don't even know where to begin with everything that has changed in my life since last year. seriously...i was perfectly content and then God felt like giving me more for some reason. life has never been as self-defining as it is this very moment.

let's start in January. i started a difficult but influential semester in school...i took classes like Applied Ethics, Developmental Psych and Forgiveness & Reconciliation and i still remember specific concepts that have re-shaped my thinking on those subjects, including how i apply my faith to them. all the while i was growing even closer to my friends and making new ones as well. the months following included six-hour studying sessions at Starbucks, late-night conversations with friends about all sorts of things, moving into the cutest and nicest and best-roommate-infested house all for the cheapest rent, hiking hiking hiking, and an all-night trip to the Grand Canyon.

once the semester was over, it was turning into a fantastic summer already. a lot of swimming action, a lot of tanning ATTEMPTS, and a whole whole lot of friends. this is also when i dyed my hair red, which i already blogged about. that was a huge deal for me, haha.

soon enough July came along and i found myself driving up to Lost Canyon to be there for an entire month...never saw that coming. it ended up being one of the coolest months of my life where God wrecked me and built me up and wrecked me some more. i think everyone can attest to the fact that i did not come home the same person and am still utterly changed from that experience. this is when i met some ridiculous people from Albuquerque that i sometimes love and sometimes hate calling my friends. :P

school began again shortly after that, and when school begins, Younglife begins. i was determined to make this a semester of Clubs to remember, and was pretty much engrossed in one thing or another during every Club to make it absolutely perfect. as i was doing so, God decided to put my life on hold with a huge car accident that banged me up pretty bad...i still have to go to physical therapy for it. but yeah totally consuming myself with making Club awesome? that's the way i roll. and because of that, i didn't notice that there were two guys who were coming to every Club from Pure Heart Christian Fellowship's college group to check out what we do and become part of it; David and Chad. somehow without my knowledge, all of my friends were becoming friends with them and some started going to their college service as well.

i never knew either of them existed until i got a Facebook friend request from Chad...i didn't recognize him or know him but he was mutually friends with all of my Younglife friends so i accepted it. the next Wednesday i ended up being able to walk JUST enough to go to Club for awhile with Missy, and at one point she randomly had Chad right next to her and said "Katelyn, you should meet Chad. i think you two would have interesting conversations." haha that's Missy for ya. so i did meet him in person and we DID have an interesting conversation...it transferred to Facebook once i left Club and soon transferred to texts which then became talking to Chad everyday about everything. we started hanging out one or two times a week annnnnnd people started noticing of course. at first i wasn't sure what to say when people asked me about it...i didn't know him REALLY well so i didn't know if he considered himself becoming friends with a girl he thought was cool or if he had more on his mind and in his heart when we hung out. and because of that, i wasn't sure how i felt either. i'm not one to willingly harbor feelings for a guy if he's not on the same page...that's just unintelligent. so a big fat "I DON'T KNOW" was given to anyone who even mentioned his name in conversation with me.

then with the help of my lovely friend Rachel Patton, i found out Chad did indeed have feelings for me. at that point i could honestly admit that i was starting to have those feelings too and got excited about it! after that we hung out more and more and people asked about it more and more and we actually talked to each other several times about where we were at and what our intentions were with this. and NOWWWWW he's my boyfriend. YAY. his side of the story is ridiculously wonderful and makes me feel even luckier to have ended up with a guy like him. :) also, i never thought i'd find a guy...let alone any other person on the planet...whose favorite band is also Copeland and whose favorite food is also seafood. random and silly, those are just a few of the things that make him pretty darn perfect for me. :) he was definitely an unexpected Christmas present that came out of nowhere and smacked me in the face with wonderfulness.

those are the highlights of my year. God did work in painful, unexpected and wonderful ways. He gives me every reason to live my life for Him.

Merry Christmas my friends. i hope your year was full of as much growth as mine was.

"this is my prayer in the harvest..."

i get to go Christmas shopping today with my mom. :) i like her a lot. and i like shopping a lot. and i like Christmas a lot. so today will be fun.

i like God a lot too, especially when i could never have predicted the stuff happening in my life that He puts there. one day i am as content with life as i could be, and the next day something amazing is right in my face that i never even allowed myself to think was COMPLETELY possible.

i've messed up so many times. i've been a "good girl" my entire life but i've messed up so, many, times. i don't deserve my parents. i don't deserve my friends. and i CERTAINLY don't deserve Christ even knowing my name, let alone caring about me, let alone loving me more than anything, let alone stepping in front of me when i should have died for my sins. i don't deserve this life. and yet God incessantly overwhelms me with blessing after blessing after blessing. i never thought i could glorify Him in so many ways. not that i always do, but i have the neverending opportunity to do so with all that He has given me.

i know it's not about "not messing up." i know this isn't a test to see how far i can get before i fail. but i can't describe how terrified i am of screwing up once again...totally tainting a gift of God's because of my human condition. i've already learned and grown in awesome ways but i can't say with full confidence that i will prevail.

i'm praying my heart out over this. for now it's time to go.

love you all. :)

and i am sure that i've not seen the Christmas lights this bright before. :D

so i've already gotten to go to Zoolights AND Glendale Glitters this year! Zoolights was my favorite as it always is, but i'm really happy that i got to do both. :D

it's raining outside. and it's cold. i'm rather okay with it.

oh and if i end up being able to go back to Berean, i found out three of my friends who worked there with me years ago are coming back too! it could be awesome for sure! and my old assistant manager is now the store manager, so that could change things up a bit and i'm excited even more! :)

this is a short one. i need to do homework.

until next time! :)

oh winter. :)

i think i might stay in my leggings and hoodie and headband and look like an 80s aerobic instructor all day. it's too comfortable not to.

other than that, life could only get better if i could hike! once i can do that...i'm not sure how i'll handle the joy. hah. as far as healing is concerned, i am virtually functioning like a normal person but some stuff still hurts to do and i can't be on my ankle or knee for too terribly long. all i care about is being able to walk again! and i can! God is too awesome. :)

as the fall semester of Younglife comes to a close, i'm starting to do an overall debriefing of how clubs went in my mind. we just recently had a little brainstorming time about big changes we can/should make for next semester and i'm interested to see how those play out. sometimes it feels like a code to crack or a puzzle to assemble...i feel like there is a crucial concept that we are all aware of but haven't quite harnessed or applied yet. with all that it is really easy to lose sight of my fellow leaders, the students we're reaching, and the One who's making this happen for His own glory. yeah...i need to really work on being more people-oriented than project-oriented, it seems. but i AM so proud of the work we've all put into this ministry as an offering of our best quality to Him. we've all worked so hard and He's worked so amazingly through us. :D

hmm i can't think of anything else to say except that i LOVE Christmas and i pray so hard that i'll get a job in time to buy everyone i love something, because giving people things is my favorite. :) i'd seriously do it all year long but people would get uncomfortable and awkward, unfortunately. so i wait until Christmas to shower them with things. yay. speaking of Christmas, it's coming alive in my house this very moment! all the smells and the music and the lights...i think i might have to do Zoolights this year because of how happy it always makes me. and i get to wear my jackets and scarves. YAY.

that's enough for now. time to live in the moments i write about.

ALWAYS, i love you friends!

We are sheep.

i have a lot on my mind. thoughts of philosophy, psychology, habits, fears, truth, myself, others...i have no idea where to start.

let's start with this one: no one should ever think they know the will of God beyond a shadow of a doubt. that level of pride makes me sick to my stomach. am i suggesting God does not direct our path, and in that way show us His will for our lives? no i'm not saying that at all. i'm saying that even when we think we have the clearest of revelations, the strongest of callings, the utmost of urges in any direction, we must be humble enough to realize that we are only human. it very well may be what God wants, and it very well may not be. the human body is mysterious in how it responds to the world...what you think is His message could be your own desires and state of mind working together [not to mention the enemy] to show you a message God has no intentions of fulfilling. i've seen friends' hearts broken over what they KNEW would happen that never did...they 'felt' God so much through it all and can't understand what went wrong and why He failed them, or why He told them lies about what He had planned for them.
i'm not sure how long of a rant i want this to be, so i don't know how deeply i should go in my response to this. let's start here:
- God is good
- He fulfills His will and His will alone
- we are human with complex brains and complex hearts
- we are flawed, no matter how wonderful our intentions may be
given those premises, we should always, always, ALWAYS bring our 'revelations' and 'feelings' to God Himself. i've sometimes been so utterly convinced that God would satisfy a certain desire in my heart a certain way...it came to me as 'a calling from God' and it made my heart do happy somersaults at the thought of it. even when i brought it to Him i sensed nothing calling me away from it. and in my gnawing impatience, fixation and starvation for that specific event/person, i was missing the life right in front of me He had a will for. i was so bent on 'God's will being fulfilled!' that i was blind to Him truly fulfilling my will.
put frankly, we're not big enough, smart enough, cool enough, weird enough, wise enough, or unfathomable enough to know what He's thinking and planning for us at any given moment. we're stupid people with our stupid logic and REALLY stupid thoughts and emotions. let's start owning our stupidity and hang onto Him LITERALLY for dear life. we are sheep. we will never know the intentions and wisdom of our Shepherd. we need repeated, consistent, minute-by-minute guidance that we must incessantly pray for while living in the reality of our human condition.

we are not pure enough to discern between phantom and reality. question everything.

even if our answer is that it is from Him, we are not wise enough to separate His answer to our question from what we personally believe that answer to imply about what He wants. assume nothing.

this is how Christ lived...He never assumed the Father's will. He never had a plan. His next step was only as far ahead as a footstep's length.

all i know is that if Christ was that humble, i have no excuse.

i'm on my second helping of Pride & Prejudice...it's been less than twelve hours since i last watched it. there's just NOTHING wrong with it in any aspect of a film...it is brilliant and beautiful and cleanses my soul with its quality. plus i'll probably have to read academic blahblahblah for the rest of the day for classes, so i'm indulging myself for a few hours before that marathon begins.

as far as healing goes, it's been a slow and [literally] painful process, but it is taking less and less [in terms of pills, ice, pillows, etc.] to make me comfortable. and in two days i'm seeing my doctor again to see if walking will happen soon. i might try to go to class next week anyway, at least the one that greatly involves in-class discussions that i've missed two weeks of. i've been experimenting with how much i'm physically able to do. i'll try to stand up and keep my balance, i'll do what i'm doing now which is typing with two hands, trying to use the good muscles in my left arm and not let them go to waste just because that collarbone is broken/mending/sensitive. i refuse to pretend i'm a vegetable, but at the same time i do believe there's a reason why God took my mobility away for awhile, and why i am perfectly healthy other than that. not that i actually know that reason, but i know that making the most out of this situation will fulfill that reason. that's why i'm trying to focus on school and my family [who have been SO great in being with me through all of this]. i have been given the time and the relative solitude to do so, so...i'm doing it. hahah.

that's all for now...i need to soak in some more Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth Bennet.

good day to you, sir.

some goals and dreams and memories.

i'm stealing this idea from Rikki...i've actually been thinking a lot lately about things i want to do before i can't anymore. not being able to walk really puts things into perspective in that way. so let's see...

[also, if it's in bold then i've done it already, and would probably be willing to do it again]

explore New York.
skydive.
go to/live in India.
personally lead someone to Christ.
get my nose pierced.
run through a meadow in a dress.
spend Christmas on the beach.
learn how to snowboard.
learn how to surf.
hike the Grand Canyon.
go whitewater rafting.
have a picnic in the woods.
write a book.
create/record music.
kiss a guy who didn't see it coming.
take a walk through Europe.
see my favorite band live.
go to a prestigious museum.
visit Woodstock.
learn how to tailor clothes.
take dance lessons.
work with kids.
love on someone in a way that they've never experienced before.
laugh until my ribs burn.
read all the Lord of the Rings books.
read all the Harry Potter books.
read all of Jane Austin's books.
throw the best wedding my friends have ever been to.
still laugh at my husband's jokes even when we're old and gray.
sit by a lake wrapped in a blanket to watch the sunrise.
drive a jet-ski.
dramatically help an organization or foundation.
go on a road trip with friends.
live in more than three states.
work with animals.
go to a ball.
slow dance in the street.
ride a horse on the beach.
paint the colors in my mind.
backpack through New Zealand.
serve at a Younglife camp.
pray/dance/kiss/laugh in a thunderstorm.
renew my vows with my husband.
be overwhelmed with love and respect for my husband's submission to God's will.
take a nap in the arms of someone i love.
learn how to cook.
buy my groceries, clothing, and jewelry in a foreign country.
travel with my ministry.

there are a lot more...i just can't think of anymore at the time. but i'll get through them for sure. :)

The Car Accident...

i'm sure most of you know the gist of what happened yesterday, but i wanted a general recap available for everyone to be on the same page.

i was on my way to go hiking at Thunderbird Mountain going about 45mph [in a 40mph zone]. i was going east on Deer Valley Rd., about 15-20 feet from the intersection at 75th Ave. when the light turned yellow. at that short of a distance i knew i could easily make it so i decided to keep going...there wasn't anyone in the intersection when i made that decision. but as i got closer to the intersection, a 17-year-old girl in a car going west on Deer Valley rolled into the intersection from the left turn lane and attempted to turn left [south on 75th Ave.] in front of me. she must have seen me because she came to an abrupt stop about a 45 degree angle in reference to my car. at that point i was too close to her to swerve or stop in time before i hit her. so i hit the front right side of her car head on with mine.

i stayed in my car because my shoulder hurt too bad for me to move it and my legs were killing me. eventually when the EMTs came i painfully got onto a stretcher and went to Arrowhead Hospital right down the road. my mom met us there and we got in and i got x-rayed [OW!] and was finally left alone in my room with my mom for awhile. i had been teary-eyed throughout the whole thing out of shock and pain, but when the nurse told me i had a clavicle fracture [broken collar bone] i sorta lost it. my blood pressure lowered [and i already have low blood pressure] and i just got really upset and couldn't stop crying. i've never broken or sprained anything in my life so it all came at me at once. but i eventually i settled down and started relaxing [thanks to the Vicodin haha]. unfortunately i was discharged right after getting comfortable so it was a painful process getting from the bed to the wheel chair, from the wheel chair to the car, and from the car to my living room. from there it's been a matter of hanging out with friends and family, watching movies and popping pills. hahah like i said i've never been hurt like this before but it could have been so much worse and i'm thankful for the little i've had to go through.

as far as whose fault it was, the cops can't say because there were no witnesses to back up either of the drivers' stories [the other girl said the light was red...?] so neither of us were cited. but we're considering hiring an attorney to build a case to get some money from her insurance company to pay for car expenses and what not, so hopefully that works out. it's just so that i'd be able to get a new car...not to screw anyone over just because we can. all i know, being completely honest, is that the light was not red when either of us entered the intersection, and she had to have seen me because she stopped a third of a way into her turn [probably freaking out]. if this had somehow been my fault, i'd say it. but it wasn't. and all my family needs is financial help in getting a new car for me, so i'm not afraid to make sure that happens.

also, it's been overwhelming seeing how many people love and care about me through this whole ordeal. i've never felt so incredibly loved by so many people. :)

count your blessings, friends. they're precious...including the perfect weather outside right now!! enjoy it for me.

love you all.

hey remember that one Saturday night i was home with nothing to do?

mmm...yep.

it's been a good week though. i've talked with people older and wiser than i about things i've been constantly mulling over in my mind and i've been given some great direction.

the desire to travel is surfacing in my heart again, and India finds me once more. Global Expeditions is going there again [at least this year], so i think it's time to actually start planning something realistic for next summer. and hey, if interning at Lost Canyon doesn't work out this summer, it could be that i'll be going there in a matter of months. God can do whatever He wants.

with this desire to travel is the slow and steady realization that i don't want to get married anytime soon. having so many of my friends get married in the white dresses with the colorful bridesmaids and the cute grooms put me in a pouty mood when it came to romance, and i felt crazy left out. some of my friends honestly didn't seem ready for it at all, so i wondered what my problem was that made me so inadequate for it. and it's now hitting me...i'm not inadequate for it right now, but IT is inadequate for ME right now. hahah i'm not saying i'm better than my married friends, i'm just saying it is clearly not in my near future and therefore i have more important things to be thinking about and pursuing in my life. i have some overseas/ministry adventures to conquer before the 'settling down' adventure begins. yet i do have to admit that i still tend to stare at diamond rings and wedding dresses and could probably plan my wedding in a month with all the thought i've already put into it.

for another day...

love ya kids. :)

oh-so-much!

a lot has happened the past week and a half or so...at least in my heart.

first off, in a crazy way God freed me from a heaviness in my heart that i thought i'd carry for the rest of my life...i'd already been carrying it for years now. it was a guilt and a doubt and an unexplainable longing for something that i knew in my soul wasn't meant for me, and i can now say that i am free of it. i can't praise Him enough.

then last weekend was College Weekend, and i can honestly say that it was one of the best weekends of the semester thus far. program was phenomenal, all the students kept the energy up and owned the entire weekend...leaders didn't have to do much at all except enjoy it all with them. the speaker Don had everyone crying pretty much the entire time because of how sincere and heartfelt his words were about the love of God and how that can change lives. then there was the fact that way too many of my friends were there with me...i was overwhelmed with joy at times.

our ASU West YL club is getting better and better...our leadership team is learning how to be on the same page and is hearing the calling to a higher standard in our efforts and our time. and i sort of love the fact that most of us are only about 21-years-old. we're just kids...we live with our parents, play video games, giggle about boys, eat junk food, dot our i's with hearts, set things on fire and then oh yeah lead people to Christ and cultivate the self-discovery of our generation. hahaha God is quirky and fantastic and goofy like that.



i also saw Where the Wild Things Are last night...it's not a movie for everyone but it reminded me a lot of how it was being a kid, which wasn't always easy. the dry dialogue cracked me up and i could tell they were writing it the way kids would talk to each other. it was also just beautiful...every shot could be a photograph. so would i recommend it? well...if you still live out of your inner child or simply love kids, then definitely. if you're looking for a cool indie film with profound messages OR a movie to take kids to, then you'll probably be disappointed. it's all in what you expect.

hmm also i'm sick, and that's not okay. let's hope that ends soon.

carpe diem.

The Pre-Chorus

if my life were a song, i am entering the pre-chorus, preparing for the chorus after so many verses of trying to understand. and once the chorus comes, everything unimportant fades, the simplest and beautiful and important chords ring out while my existence is finally fulfilled and the song finally reaches its meaning.

i feel so much change coming my way, both in myself and in my surroundings. for the first time in my life, i understand why people fear all of this.

one thing about the pre-chorus is that this is the time when the minor chords come out and the energy is building toward a point unknown; if there were words, they would be emotional and frustrated and vulnerable.

this isn't the first pre-chorus i've been through, and my life has been filled to the brim of verses. i have also witnessed some beautiful choruses composed perfectly with everything leading up to it, even when i was lost in it all.

part of me hopes more than anything that at the end of it all, it will mean something.

part of me hopes more than anything that at the end of it all, it will be beautiful.

part of me hopes more than anything that at the end of it all, someone will see it.

part of me hopes more than anything that at the end of it all, someone will use it.

PEOPLE IN THE PLACE! IF YOU WANNA GET DOWN-AH!

...i be rockin', them, beats.

i'm starting to love hip hop and pop the more that Younglife forces me to listen to it. Younglife has forced me to do a lot of things in my life and i'm starting to realize that it's always for my own good. so i can't be too bitter. hah.

mmm! i have a new phone! and i'm going to start using it like a planner/organizer like a normal person would. i don't know WHY i haven't thought of doing that before. dumb.

this was the first weekend in awhile that i "manually" planned for myself...lately i've either had a trip planned or big events that i had to go to. and after tomorrow that will begin once more...i'm going to the Balloon Festival in Albuquerque next weekend and then College Weekend at Lost Canyon the weekend after that. it's been nice being able to do everyday stuff...like laundry. and cleaning. and reading.

also, i need a job. the only thing i can think of right now is a coffee shop type of thing, whether that be full-fledged Starbucks or like Barnes & Noble Starbucks status. not sure yet. but it's something that has become a necessity as of late.

hmmm i can't think of anything too thought provoking to bring up to keep you meditating for the rest of the day. i've been thinking about how i don't agree with the line drawn between what we call science and what we call art as a culture. i find science to be very artistic and beautiful and there is definitely a science to art as well. and as much as i love thinking about the two together in such a way, it saddens me to know that i will probably never be able to effectively get my point across on the matter. maybe one day i'll try.

for now, it's time for Yann Tiersen and some tea.

love!

my life vs. Life

my life in Phoenix as of September 13th, 2009 seems to be comprised of such things:

CD mixes
my Macbook
Soffes shorts
Hanes V-necks
classes/online articles
Younglife meetings/Club
parents' house/ sometimes Maddy
my phone
Cup of Noodles
Verner's ginger ale
fans on high speed due to...
heat
unstable drivers
never-ending laundry
small group
weekend after weekend either out of town or busy as eff
writing scripts
the endless fear of weight gain
baby powder
too many journals to keep up with
a barely-used guitar
books i want to read
4am Magazine
time i never spend the way i wish to

the last one i mentioned has been looming over my thoughts the most lately. sometimes i'll look back on my entire day and remember absolutely nothing significant taking place. i didn't seem to get anything done that i needed to or desired to, and for some time i didn't understand why that was. then there are times where my heart is in a completely different plane of thought and direction and i wonder whether anything i do at the moment is worth the time or the effort. i mentioned this to Tracey at my last small group, and she talked about how cracking down and just DOING what needs to be done rather than simply having intentions in that direction is something that she feels my entire generation struggles with. i realized a lot about myself that night in other ways as well...ways that i have been prideful and selfish without even being aware of it. long story short, you'll hopefully be seeing a more proactive and expressive Katelyn from now on, because the way i've been living life has barely been for anyone other than myself.

that's all for now. Leader Weekend at Lost Canyon was amazing, and i got some great tips about how to make Club even better and still remain energized to follow through with it every week.

i'm overall excited for the present and the future. i honestly see a few clouds and some darkness ahead...close enough to feel the effects of already...but i am running with no less speed and no less fervor toward Life and Love. and that direction always is, and forever will be, forward.

as always, i love you guys.

"The cure for pain is in the pain"

i knew the moment i picked up My Upmost For His Highest to use as a devotional that it would kick me in the pants. i knew it would be more relevant than i was comfortable with in my life and that i'd be tempted to put it on my bookshelf after about a week. well...yeah. i was right.

but i haven't given into my pride just yet, and there is a specific entry that i personally struggle with more than almost anything right now. maybe sharing it can bring others enlightenment on the subject as well:

God's Purpose or Mine?
We tend to think that if Jesus Christ compels us to do something and we are obedient to Him, He will lead us to great success. We should never have the thought that our dreams of success are God's purpose for us. In fact, His purpose may be exactly the opposite. We have the idea that God is leading us toward a particular end or a desired goal, but He is not. The question of whether or not we arrive at a particular goal is of little importance, and reaching it becomes merely an episode along the way. What we see as only the process of reaching a particular end, God sees as the goal itself.
[....] God is not working toward a particular finish -- His purpose is the process itself. What He desires for me is that I see "Him walking on the sea" with no shore, no success, nor goal in sight, but simply having the absolute certainty that everything is all right because I see "Him walking on the sea."
[....] God's purpose is to enable me to see that He can walk on the storms of my life right now. If we have a further goal in mind, we are not paying enough attention to the present time. However, if we realize that moment-by-moment obedience is the goal, then each moment as it comes is precious.

i'm realizing more and more that life is not about the events i fit into it or the opportunities i seize while i'm here. life isn't about goals. the purpose of life lies in the definition of life; processes, journeys, and lessons. goals only distract me from the beauty of my growth in the present.

i entitled this entry using quotes from one of my favorite bands, because growth and processes seem to go hand-in-hand with pain. and understanding pain is like trying to understand life; the cure for pain is in the pain, just as the purpose of life is in the definition of life.

just thought i'd share. time to get my Younglife on.

on Christ and Albuquerque.

first of all, i wish that my "profile picture" in this blog was one with me as a redhead, but i can't bring myself to change it. oh well.

second of all, God is out of control. always. once you finally lift both your feet off the ground and go where He takes you every minute of the day, you realize that He works in the biggest of ways through the littlest of circumstances. and sometimes those big ways are just the slightest tweak in thinking or acting, which feels small at the time but, if you stick to it, will change your entire life.

also, if nothing else has convinced me of the reality of Christ, the heart i feel inside me that is not mine has. i grow more and more capable of loving someone with an overflow of joy and seeing through their actions into the heart behind those actions. i am now willing and able to love [and therefore live] like Christ does...it's insane. i have had His eyes and His voice and His heart as my own when someone who has hurt me has looked at me in confusion and wonder as i've told them that i will never leave them or stop loving them and they are worth the struggle of being fought for like that. that is NOT Katelyn Lover...because Katelyn Lover would never let anyone in close enough to even love her, let alone hurt her. i can't say this change is less painful or more tangibly rewarding, but i can feel the significance of it with every breath i breathe into this heart.

some of those thoughts and revelations have come out of my weekend trip to Albuquerque, NM to visit some friends. the trip was decided on Wednesday, began Thursday night around 2am and ended last night around 3am. Missy, Rikki and i surprised them at UNM after their classes and then found time to hang out with them throughout the weekend. the trip consisted of such things as:

CD mixes played over and over again [if my CD player allowed].
sunrises over I-40.
going almost 90mph to get to our friends and some beds to sleep in.
planning all the ridiculous ways we could surprise them...we got pretty creative.
getting there and basically running inside to go sleep - i was shaking from being so tired!
driving to UNM, trying to find the friends, finally finding them and not surprising them as planned but surprising them nonetheless.
eating things such as cans of uncooked refried beans, Cup of Noodles, Fruit Snacks, and bananas.
only drinking water, ginger ale, or gatorade.
spooning each other awake and making each other feel awkward or uncomfortable on purpose...seriously the three of us girls reached a new level of bonding this weekend.
me packing like a retard and basically never wearing the right thing for what we did during the day.
NO ONE taking pictures...we were too busy actually having fun rather than taking pictures to prove to everyone else that we were having fun.
important and significant talks about all sorts of things.
four-wheeling, feeling the release and peace of freedom in driving them.
laying in grassy parks with closed eyes, listening to friends all around.
the evolution of new inside jokes and funny "you just had to be there" stories.
getting pulled over by d-bag cops for idiot reasons.
saying goodbye and driving home.
basically running inside to sleep again out of sheer exhaustion.
waking up happy to have gone and happy to be back.

so that's that. i love my Albuquerque friends and what they seem to teach me without even realizing it.

alright friends there is stuff i HAVE to do today before i'm in class all night. i love you dearly and wish you only the best.

a simple update and a short question.

i haven't written in awhile for a lot of reasons.

one of those reasons would be that i spent a month of my summer doing Summer Staff up at Lost Canyon. it was the best month of my life thus far and i could write for hours about how God used my job there and the people there to grow me significantly. i may eventually do that, but not for now.

another of those reasons would be that things keep changing by the hour...sometimes even by the minute...in my heart and mind. i would have to blog five times a day to keep you updated with all of that. so i've decided to simply keep all that nonsense out of here altogether and give you what may last a little longer.

here's a question i've been asking myself the past few days: a person is told to guard their heart for it is the wellspring of life (Proverbs 4:23)...but did Christ do this? i can't think of any moment in His interactions with people in which He denied them more of His heart. i never read about Him taking the safe way out of a situation so that His heart wouldn't get hurt over it. so why are we told to do so?

i may be interpreting that proverb incorrectly or even Christ's life incorrectly. or maybe the answer is that God is strong enough for that kind of love but we would be crushed under its weight if we did not guard ourselves. i don't know.

i should probably continue writing the article i'm blowing off to write in here. i love you all and i'm glad to be back. :)

oh, the adventures in letting go...

this summer is out of control. or maybe, it's that i am out of control this summer. let's see if i can break some of it down...

i dyed my hair red. i am not the type who generally does that sort of thing. i have kept my hair some shade of blonde since eighth grade, and that was only because my natural blonde hair was darkening. there was always something holding me back from branching out. i either had a boyfriend who had an opinion or a crush that i assumed would have an opinion...it was clear in the end that there was no one other than myself who was holding me back. so this opportunity came up and i took it, intentionally refusing to over-analyze my way out of it. i had to grieve the loss of my platinum look, but am now in love with my auburn hair. for some [if not most] people, this isn't that huge of a deal. for me, given the reasons why i had shied away from it before, this was a liberating and revolutionary decision for me. maybe that gives you a glance at all the internal battles i put myself through on a daily basis. bah.

as of yesterday, i am going up to Lost Canyon at the end of the week and staying there for a month on Summer Staff. that was yet another decision i decided to make without any safe guarantees of comfort or predictability. i just sort of made it happen, and it wasn't necessarily easy for me to do, either. i pushed through whatever i needed to in order to get my paperwork in and go through the tasks of becoming "qualified."

surface stories: Katelyn is a redhead and she's doing Summer Staff. cool.

deeper stories: Katelyn is finally abandoning her petty fears and living her life. what?

once i get back, i hope to bring you all pictures and stories and life changes of mine that can somehow impact your own life.

farewell for now. look me up in August.

man...talk about an update.

the last few months have held some of the most significant times in my life up until this point. i know that i will forever be affected by them even if i forget their specific stories.

firstly, i became an aunt to Madelyn Elizabeth Delster. i have to be honest; all throughout Emily's pregnancy i was focused on how she was doing rather than the baby inside of her. i was appropriately excited to be an aunt, but i figured the excitement would increase once the baby was actually here. that day came on June 18th around 3pm, and i was shocked at how little of a difference holding that newborn baby in my arms made. sure, she was precious and i reluctantly gave her up when my turn to hold her was over, but i felt that way about all new babies when i held them. i didn't cry, i didn't become a new person, and i wasn't necessarily more happy either; my sister seemed to be doing worse after the pregnancy than throughout labor. i felt like she got in a bad car accident rather than had an amazing moment in her life, and what made me almost angry was that at one point, no one seemed to care how Emily was doing because they were facing the other way making baby noises at Maddy. i almost regretted becoming an aunt because of the toll it was taking on my sister. once i realized how uncommon [at least to my knowledge] my feelings were, i tried to evaluate what was going on inside of me or lack thereof; why does Maddy still seem like a surreal concept that i am emotionally detached from? why am i frustrated and discontent? why can't i find my role as an aunt in my heart?

i'm still answering these questions, but i have generally come to the conclusion that my love for Maddy is going to grow through quality time, just like most of my love grows. also, i am pretty much positive Emily would've gone through this process for as long as she needed to in order to have had Maddy, so i can be at peace with how she is doing as well in all of this.

so that was one pretty huge development in my life. another one was the realization of how horrible i am at conflict resolution; and even deeper than that, how emotionally distant i keep myself from the people i love. i have brokenness in places that i had never realized, so i am beginning the process of a painful recovery in that area.

this next significant part of my life is something that is both humorous and serious. it helps me stay level-headed and healthy in one of the hardest areas in my life to control myself in: what do you think? men. i know i am not alone in the struggles i have had with mulling endlessly over the way a guy is acting toward me. even if i am not interested in the guy at all, i tend to analyze the guy's every move and word to try to get inside their head and figure out their intentions. it goes further than that, but this is not the time or place to be vulnerable and open about such things! anyway, with some help from the movie He's Just Not That Into You, it has dawned on me that if a guy wants to ask me out, chances are he'll ask me out. i don't agree with generalizing a personality type for all guys or all girls, and therefore don't mean to say that shy guys don't exist or aren't manly. but when it comes to the type of guy i personally am looking for, directness and a sense of drive are both important. so in my case, the right guy will most likely be the pursuing type in all areas of life, therefore fitting into the type of guy that the movie was basically talking about.

you'd think it would suck to realize that certain guys were never that interested, but it is so incredibly liberating. you can move on with your life and do your thing until a guy comes around who considers you worth the effort of pursuit. and the more i think about it, the more i would hate actually being with a guy who didn't mean what he said and had all these hidden meanings in his words like i thought he did when i was cracking the code of whether he liked me or not. i'd rather just be friends with a bunch of honest and direct guys while remaining single forever than have to put up with encrypted conversations in some dysfunctional relationship.

i'm not trying to preach about guys being the leaders and wearing the pants in relationships and what not. i am actually quite feminist about relationship/gender roles. all i am trying to shed light on is how guys generally work, and that seems to naturally involve pursuit on their part. this isn't true in every case, but for me personally, i know it will be. and that's why it's such a significant discovery for me. :)

that's all i have energy to write about with some quality for now. i hope this is turning out to be a special summer for all of you as well.

adios.

a shove mistaken for a push.

at this point in time, the majority of my friends are either in semi-serious relationships or are engaged.

my sister is having a baby.

my friends' sisters are having babies.

people are moving away permanently.

people are graduating college.

some, if not all, of these things will most likely come my way in time, and this is not a "what about me?" pity party blog. but for awhile i did indeed feel like i was waiting for a delayed flight at the airport of life while others were happily boarding their planes. i knew God assigned every flight with intricate intentions and for so long it was a daily difficulty to swallow the reality of waiting for the desires God has gardened in my soul; such things as genuine and fierce love, purposeful travel, and accomplishing hard-reaching [academic] goals.

but then this weekend happened, and it happened in a strange way with strange people. i probably shouldn't talk about Friday too much, but there were a few experiences that incorporated my past and my future in a humorous way.

Saturday started out with a great wedding, and the Blair, Missy, and i found ourselves at the Biltmore Fashion Center afterward. as we were walking around, Missy and i both started getting some serious aches in our knees since it was humid and we'd hurt them in the past. my knee felt like it was going to collapse on itself if i put too much pressure on it. at one point we were about to use stairs to get to the second story of Borders and i had genuine fear about doing so because of my knee. that's when i realized...I AM GETTING OLD!! only older people are scared of using stairs for such reasons!! and i sort of flipped out on the inside and wondered how much worse it is going to be when i am legitimately older. sure, after not walking on my knee so much and using my knee brace, it didn't hurt so bad. but still...i am twenty-years-old...i should be able to run and bend and fly without hurting or breaking, right? oh how mortal the body becomes. then while changing in a dressing room i realized that i am not as skinny as i used to be, which says a lot about where my metabolism is going. whoopee.

okay, so Sunday [yesterday] is the day of this past weekend that really stood out to me the most. church happened, which did what it seems to be doing more and more lately; point me in a different direction than it is heading as a whole. not to say that they are on a wrong path, but their focuses in ministry are no longer mine, and it would be a disservice to them and to God for me to force myself into what they are trying to do. so that dealt with my thoughts of the future some.
and then the same thing happened when i was hanging out after church and just so happened to look over at the group of people i spent the majority of my life in high school with. seriously, when i wasn't at school, i was with these guys. i probably got four hours of sleep on average a night because these crazy kids would stay up and live off of QT drinks and video games. i loved each of them dearly in unique and special ways and i would not be who i am today without the love and the frustration and the hard times i have been through with them. they will always have a special place in my heart. so i looked over at them and realized...with a WHACK feeling...that they are still the same as they were six years ago, whereas i would not consider myself anywhere near who i was back then. they are also still friends with one another and no one [except significant others] has entered that circle, whereas the entirety of my social circle has flipped upside down and will never be the same as it was even two years ago. how did this make me feel? it made me feel like i am swimming with the current of time and of life while others seem to ignore it or stick close to the shore where it is safe. sometimes it is not pleasant and i feel like i have no roots or plans or distinct destinations, but good grief, i'm GOING somewhere! and on purpose! again, thoughts that showed me where i have come and where my future leads.
after church was a leadership appreciation party that was at a house in Litchfield Park, where i grew up. before i went there i drove around my elementary school neighborhood for the first time and couldn't keep a smile off of my face. i used to ride my bike anywhere and everywhere from my house...to school, to the park, and to the cool lake right beside the park. my friends all lived in the same neighborhood so i was rarely ever alone without wanting to be. i was so free. my childhood was sort of awesome for a time. there has been a lot of development in that area since the ten years ago that i moved away, but "Old Litchfield Road" still has most of its charm left in my eyes. as i was driving around and thinking about all that has happened to my life to bring me to where i am today, the first thing that came to my mind was "God, what in the world are You doing?" because there was so much drastic change in so many odd ways in my life and it didn't seem to point in one specific direction. the immediate answer He seemed to give was along the lines of "I can't tell you that, but trust Me when i say that it is something." and that was enough for me. as long as He is using my life with purpose, i don't care to know the reasons behind my memories. after the leadership party, i went back to that lake with Blair and Missy and we each had our own memories of going there as a kid.

like i said, in so many ways my past and my future found each other this weekend through my eyes being opened to my present. and that is what i mean when i write that such a mental journey revealed to me how i had mistaken the forceful and purposeful rapid of time to be a gentle push into the vagueness of nowhere-in-particular. and it gave me hope that i needed.

it gave me hope to think that one day i can look back on feeling this way and praise God for such a feeling, because only in feeling this way could i get to where i will be at that point.

it gave me hope to think that every tear that i cry only adds to the waters of joy that will shower me when all is said and done and i am finally called Home.

it gave me hope to think that even in the hardest of times, my God can hold me with the warmth of faith, because He knows how He Himself has written the end of my story.

it gave me hope to think that there was hope to be had.

in some ways, i am not sure how blessed i really am in being given the eyes to see such Light, but i pray that i have been given the gift of words to relay such Light to the blind and to the numb. having said that, i pray that today's joy will whisper His name into your ear, and that you feel the penetration of Heaven's excitement for what is next in your journey.

farewell for now.

hectic days.

the majority of my free time has lately been dedicated to choosing and formatting songs that i'll be singing for worship for ASU West YoungLife's summer club. sounds easy, but it truly is not!

and then last night i went to see Flight of the Conchords with Blair for her birthday. it was phenomenal!

the first comedian ended up being a guy that is always on their show as a guy named Dave...in real life he's Arj Barker. his material was pretty funny, i suppose. but i decided i would post a video of one of my favorite clips of their show with him in it. for the more sensitive readers of mine, just know that it starts out a bit crude:



and then Bret and Jemaine went on. they talked between songs...or at least they tried to...and people kept yelling stuff at them from the audience. that part was annoying, but their responses to what they heard were actually really funny. here are a few that i distinctly remember:

some girl: take off your shirt!
Jemaine: whoa whoa...i'm pretty sure the description of this concert online where you probably purchased your tickets said something about, you know, two guys singing and telling jokes and what not...i'm not sure how you implied stripping in that description...i'm sorry to disappoint you. maybe, maybe we could get some jackets brought out to us? and then take those off?
Bret: yeah i think i could be comfortable with that.

so they got a guy to bring them jackets from their tour bus. they then proceeded to manually make this techno beat on one of the many silly instruments they had on stage and each took turns awkwardly and hilariously taking off their jacket.

and then...

some guy: David Bowie! [it's a song of their's]
Jemaine: [not hearing him correctly] did you just ask to bring out Murray? our manager on our show? you really think he's our manager?
Bret: yeah, see, the show is not a documentary. one thing that could have clued you in on that was the fact that the show features us randomly bursting into song. these sorts of things simply don't happen in reality. i don't really know why...i mean i guess we could start doing that sort of thing...but we haven't yet, and so the show still remains rather fictional.

and i might as well post one of my favorite clips of Murray on their show:



and then...

some guy: Free Bird!
Jemaine: oh that's...that's really not one of our songs...*starts playing/singing it*

he and Bret ended up doing the whole song...minus the crazy guitar solo at the end. it was way fun. there were a few times that they messed up their songs by singing the wrong verse or not remembering what comes next and that made the night even funnier. i realized that up until that night, i hadn't ever really seen them smile or laugh...not genuinely at least. it was really cool seeing that for the first time and knowing that they were probably enjoying themselves as well as the audience.

anyway, that is a very brief re-telling of last night. i should probably go practice the songs i'm planning on playing tonight for club.

have yourself a merry little Wednesday.

my people.

Tuesday was my last day of finals, so i am officially on summer break. :)

i have spent the last few days with both friends and family, making them days that i have thoroughly cherished. through such people, i have been assured by the grace and warmth of God that i have never been as alone as i have previously allowed myself to believe.

my mom and i share a very similar personality and thought process. the other night at dinner, she was mentioning something to my sister about her upcoming baby shower, and since i told my mom that i would meet with her to help plan it once i could [and hadn't done so yet], i gave her a pointed glance. right when i looked at her, she looked at me with the same exact facial expression for the same exact reason. we both burst out laughing and ended up explaining the entire thing to everyone at the table. then, when we were picking up my aunt from the airport the other night and waiting at the gate, we kept making the same people-watching observations. all i had to say was something like "hmm...that's twice now" or "you appreciating that circling effect?" and she would know exactly what i was talking about and have her own thoughts about it. the best one was when she leaned over and said "we should have worn our hats" and i looked over and saw that an old lady was hanging out by the gate with a ridiculous foam hat that looked like a cockatoo bird on her head. it was amazing/out of control/wonderful and i did my best to handle myself.

then tonight was my small group. we made and ate dinner together and shared a few stories. at one point i realized that Blair and Missy and I all had our arms and hands placed in exactly the same way; our heads were resting on our right hands while our left arms were lying flat on the table with our fingers falling over the edge. i smiled to myself and thanked God for them right then and there.

my family has a funny story about me when i was young...we were either in Alabama or Florida and we were visiting an open house at a beach house that was for sale. it was furnished and had pictures everywhere. the pictures were meant to be family photos but clearly they were of another family. so i turned to my mom and my aunt with a concerned look on my face and said quite seriously "these are NOT our people..." and it has been a story told ever since. even to this day, my family uses the term "our people" to refer to the family as a whole.

as i have grown into myself the past few years, i have begun finding my place not only in this world but in my people as well. i extend that term to include my friends along with my family. in fact, i think i can extend that term out to mean any- and everyone that seems to hear the music that i hear in this world...the echoes of its Creator. the people who have my eyes and my thoughts and my words, and yet see and think and say what i cannot myself. the people whose hearts seem to be made of the same matter as mine. i have found such people in all ages, in both genders, and with different beliefs than myself. i really do consider them to be my people and i feel especially called to serve them with my time here.

that's all for now.

short. brief. to the point. and...some other word with a similar definition.

i've been twenty for six days. they have been pleasant ones for the most part.

i recently just finished getting through the bulk of my stressful finals while simultaneously trying to plan the last YoungLife club of the semester. it was a worship night that i was both playing in and partially in charge of. bahhh it was stressful, and i ended up having to apologize to a few people for being quite impatient and snippy at them. when all was said and done though, it was an amazing night AND i felt confident about my school work. God is good.

at the moment, it is the early afternoon on a Saturday. i'm in the living room of my home sharing the couch with the beloved Cathi. she's playing mewithoutYou's Catch For Us the Foxes album on her laptop and i'm remembering what it was like to listen to them for the first time. they ignite a fire inside me that i don't feel is my own. it feels like a shared vision...a community's cry...a people's song. and i am clearly okay with it.

i have things i want to write about, but i think bringing them to God first would be wise to do before sharing them with anyone else. so it's off to my journal for now.

may today bring you the warmth that only His light provides.

on sleeplessness and misunderstanding.

...on second thought, i don't think i'll add anymore to my previous blog. i think i said all that i needed to say.

it's 2:30am and i can't sleep. i blame that partially on the fact that a song on my iPod came up on shuffle mode that i hadn't really heard before and i wanted to look up the lyrics.

i have lately been making some interesting observations on how/if/when people understand each other. it is easy to sigh and say "oh well, i'm just misunderstood" and go about finding someone to hang out with who makes you feel better about yourself. but i'm beginning to wonder if i feel misunderstood sometimes because i'm the one failing to understand the person who misunderstands me.

here's a good example of what i mean: love languages. the more you evaluate yourself in relation to them, the more you see that you give and receive love in different languages. if i felt loved most through words of affirmation and my husband expressed love best through quality time, i would feel misunderstood in that aspect unless i understood him in that aspect. i could say he doesn't understand how to love me when really i am the one misunderstanding how he loves.

clearly i am not married, so i am not speaking from experience through that example. but lately i've had talks with friends about feeling misunderstood by people. one particular friend felt like the advice she got from someone about an issue in her life was not what she needed to hear at all and it made her feel unheard and misunderstood. as a third party, i could see that the person's advice was out of concern and an attempt to help my friend out, but it was obviously done in the wrong way. and though my friend had a right to feel the way she did, she maybe could have tried to understand the way that person communicated and how it was different than her and therefore most likely misunderstood on her end as well.

this new development of thought and perspective has really enlightened the concept of mercy for me. i am beginning to see that mercy is only possible when a sense of understanding has been found...whether that is understanding the person who wronged me or understanding my God who loves them. pretty cool stuff.

i hope the month of flowers brings blossoms into your life.

because He first loved us.

We love because He first loved us.

1 John 4:19

i generally hear people throw in a "Him" between the words "love" and "because" in that verse and that becomes their response to the question "why should i/you love God?"

i'm sorry, but i have never in my life loved someone just because they loved me. their love for me may have let me see their heart in a vulnerable state which then allowed me to love them, but that makes their love only an avenue to the heart of theirs that i love, not the reason i love them. so then i loved their heart, not their love.

and at least for me, God's incomprehensible vastness and power does not automatically evoke love from me. fear? sure. but not love.

and if i were to be completely honest, Christ dying on the cross for me did not automatically evoke love from me either. it evoked a very deep and life-changing curiosity about a mystery i have been sensing my entire life, but i cannot honestly say that as a stranger to Him, what He did for me made me love Him for who He is. and i say that because i WAS a stranger to Him and therefore i could NOT love Him for who He was at that point.

if i found out a stranger somehow saved my life without my knowledge and i later found out that it was because he loved me, i would not automatically think "woe is me, i have no choice but to love him back!" i would rather think "who IS this guy??" and put in a significant effort to discover who he was. and that is what i believe what Christ did on the cross is meant to bring about in us. we are meant to feel called to a journey of discovering who He is, and that will inevitably become a love story.

well i had more that i wanted to talk about on this topic, but it may have to wait because i need some sleep for tomorrow morning. i'm going to get to see Madelyn for the first time. :)

goodnight friends.

oh so finally...moved in!

alright so i just finished putting away all my books and clothes and i bought groceries earlier this evening, so i feel like i can officially relax and call this my home. :)

not to say that i ever thought that sharing a room with Missy would be a challenge, but i have been pleasantly surprised by how well our temperaments and lifestyles coincide. i think i'll keep this room cleaner than i did my room in my parents' house because i'm sharing it with someone else that i care about and whom i know to be quite fond of cleanliness. i'm always more motivated when someone else is involved, it seems...except group projects for school.

anyway, that's that. it's been a pretty big step for me that i will probably feel more of the weight of as time goes by. for now, it's rather great. :)

love you all.

a NON-philosophical update. relax.

i'm officially moving in with Missy! i'm going over there to chat with her and Sarah and possibly Cathi about some general house stuff and then i'm planning on getting most [if not all] of my stuff over there by the end of Sunday. our small group is meeting over there tonight so i'm going right after class to get there early so me and Missy can coordinate where furniture can go and what not. one fun fact is that we both now have bedspreads from Target's DwellStudio line, so they go together really well and we can color coordinate like crazy! we'll have quite the time with it.

here is mine:



and here is Missy's:



we'll probably do a lot of brown accents and work with the green and orange somehow. we may even paint some canvases for our walls. yes...we are girls.

anyway, all i have left in my classes are my final papers and projects, it seems. and i'm okay with that. it hasn't really hit me that summer is approaching. last year i was pushing forward to it like no other, but this year i think i really am going to miss my classes. i picked some good ones. speaking of which, i need to go get ready for the ones i have today.

love you all.

Psychology ramblings.

if you know me pretty well at all, you know that i am studying psychology, and that it is almost as intrinsic to my thinking as my love for music is.

in the specific classes i'm taking, i'm beginning to realize that Abraham Maslow was right in saying, "when all you have is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail." every issue is one that is psychological, according to the psychologist. every issue is one that is biological, according to the doctor. every issue is one that is spiritual, according to the pastor.

that's not necessarily something that i'm learning directly from my professors, it's just something i'm beginning to pick up on more and more. but aside from that, i really am learning about how incredible the human brain is and how much it directly influences our lives. that sounds rather obvious, but i have been around Christians my entire life who considered every thought, feeling, "random" emotional response, etc. to be utterly supernatural and "obviously" from the Lord. and they weren't old ladies who have a pin-sized view of the world, either.

so much...so incredibly much...of what you think, feel, believe, say, and desire depends on how your brain has developed up until now. a balance of genetics and environment have created synapses that you reflect as your personality and all that you consider your "self." even how you react to what i just said depends on all of this.

speaking of how you may react, i know plenty of people who would read all of the above and proceed to question my faith or consider all that i am learning to be misconceptions and lies that i am buying into. so i guess i should explain where my faith comes into this and how learning all of this has actually brought me closer to God than i ever thought possible.

it's the same process i went through when i started learning about other religions and seeing similarities between them and Christianity. at first, i felt like Christianity could just be put in the list of world religions with no distinctions or significance among the rest. i also met people who had knowledge, passion, and devotion to those other religions that i had only ever seen in the Christian community if at all. so it got me thinking...if what i believe is true, then what aspects of it make it distinctly the truth? it can't be JUST the history behind it, because other religions lean on history as well...it can't be JUST the passion and emotion it evokes, because other religions evoke just as much or even more passion from people...it can't be JUST how devoted its followers are, because that can be seen in other beliefs as well. so what IS Christianity?

i came to the conclusion that Christianity, stripped of all that humans dress it up in, is embracing the Love of God and the Person of Christ. everything else simply follows from that [you may think i am leaving important aspects out of that description, but i probably have a broader definition of "embracing" than you do]. and those things that follow from that are things that other belief-systems technically can stand behind as well, because we are all humans and have a fairly general range of reaction as a species.

so in the same way, after learning all that i have about the brain and the mind, i had to sit down and ask some really tough questions. it was a difficult process because i was beginning to see that so much of what has been deemed supernatural by the Christian community is actually quite physical in its psychological nature. so i started with that concept; supernatural. if i randomly feel something or think that i know something is going to happen and i cannot explain how or why that is, are such feelings and thoughts supernatural? not necessarily. that would mean that we have no true subconscious state of mind [which we do] and everything we are unaware of is from something outside of ourselves. can some of these feelings and thoughts be supernatural? sure, but to lean on that automatically is unintelligent because of what i just explained. i even wonder whether that is important to know or not, because either way, it's worth investigating the significance of that feeling.

i would even go as far as questioning whether or not there really is a dichotomy between something mentally created and something God-given. if God speaks to me through the complex and innumerable intricacies of synapses in my brain, as if He'd spent my entire life span weaving them together for this moment [which will bring me to the next and then to the next and so on], i feel that something that can completely be explained on a physiopsychological level such as that does not take away from the power and sovereignty of God in it all. i'm not saying that i believe God has intentions for absolutely everything coming out of one's subconscious, but that there's no reason why that couldn't be the vessel through which He works for those personal revelations people feel. so then is anything supernatural? a better way to ask my true question would be...does anything need to be supernatural in order for it to be from God? is that a concept that could technically be false?

i could go on about this, but this blog has gotten long enough and i need to go enjoy the rain while it lasts.

here's an early Happy Easter to ya.

Light of the world.

in Matthew chapter five, it talks about how the body of Christ is meant to be the light of the world.

i have heard more than once the metaphor of being a lighthouse, so that all who are lost in darkness may find their way to the light we shine.

as of late, this has not sat with me well.

is it really believed that the body of Christ is meant to plant itself somewhere permanent and establish a culture and lifestyle and lingo that secludes itself from the outside world, with the mindset of "God will bring the lost to us"? are we to shine light afar from our comfortable bubble, leaving the journey up to the outsiders? and those who don't come, what of them? are they the wicked we are meant to stay away from anyway? are we to praise God for how thick our walls are, for now no one can influence us without our consent?

...what?!

Isaiah chapter sixty-two talks about Jerusalem's salvation being like a burning torch. are torches permanent? do they assume comfort and convenience? those who carry torches do not consider themselves physically at rest, and they are generally not alone. torches do not provide an ethereal or romantic light that is easy or simple or formulaic. it is fire. fire that is real and applicable and passionate and warming to all that go near it. fire that can only be tamed for so long. a torch-bearer relies on the fellowship of fire burning around them, so that their own fire may be fueled by that of others' through discipleship.

we are not meant to be a city on a hill, but we are meant to be just as spiritually visible and welcoming as one. and we are definitely not meant to be a weighty, stubborn lighthouse that distantly shoves "light" in people's faces and considers it their loss when they turn away in disgust.

we are meant to be a people on the move. we are meant to be a people who PERSONALLY love others, no matter where they have been or even where they are going. we are meant to be a people who own no walls, who allow ourselves to be haunted by the questions and burdens of the world to the point of questioning the very torches we hold. and how much stronger of a people we will be after such journeys, after such love, after such struggles and questions! only then can we consider ourselves to be living IN this world the way that Christ allowed Himself to live.

i can only faintly praise the Lord my God for such a calling to action, to vulnerability, to brokenness. for such things are the traits of a life in its fullest.

amen. with all of my heart, amen.

i have roughly two and a half hours to hang out in the campus library before i need to be anywhere. i figure this is a good time to blog.

i think i'll share a few pictures that helped my love for India bloom. they are all by Steve McCurry. thankfully i have most of them in a huge album in my room.

scattered thoughts.

still no word on the moving out situation. i'm not sure what's going on there.

so i had an odd idea on Friday...what if i were to actually put my books on my bookshelf? i had all my cute nick nacks and candles and yearbooks on it before and had all my books in stacks on any other available surface of my room. and my textbooks seemed most comfortable on the floor. thing is, to make room for my books, i had to get rid of some stuff i've kept for years on end. i wouldn't call myself a pack rat...just a reminiscent being...so throwing things away doesn't come easy for me. but i think getting rid of all that i truly do NOT need or use was good for me. now my books are on their designated shelves and i feel lighter and cleaner and more efficient in general.

i need to invest more time in my photography. i have lost motivation to take pictures but not the love to do so...also, people seem to enjoy them if they're from an event or place they were present for.

even more than in my photography, i need to invest more time in my music. i've recently decided that i am going to write and record and sell what i have to create and put whatever profit i get from it toward my mission to get to India. so look out for that.

anything else? nah. except that this semester is going by so fast! and i'm not complaining.

enjoy the weather today.

scrambled eggs and chai tea.

tea only gets closer to my soul as time goes on. truly.

so i have an update on my latest blog about moving out! nothing is certain yet, but even if things don't work out with this particular situation, i have a feeling that i can find another avenue through which the moving-out process can proceed.

my close friend Missy just moved in with three of her friends, two of which i am getting to know pretty well, and she needs to share the master bedroom with someone. initially it was going to be with the other close friend Blair, but her situation shifted in a way that prevented her from being able to move in. at the moment, a very sweet girl Kim has first dibs on the spot, but she just got hit with some medical expenses that may prevent her from doing so as well. she is not sure yet about it, but according to Cathi, she will need to make a final decision by tomorrow.

and here we are to the point: if Kim ends up not being able to move in, i will be able to afford splitting the rent with Missy and then will be living in a house with some amazing friends! it is fairly close to my parents' house, so a) they don't feel like i'm too far away, b) i am already familiar with the area, and c) my work and school aren't significantly farther from that location than they were from the parents'.

and like i said, even if Kim ends up being able to move in with them, i know i'll be able to find a way through setting up a YoungLife house or something to be able to move out.

i guess i should go into why i want to move out, since it can sort of sound like i'm trying to run away from my parents or something. first of all, i am not one to create genuine friendships in a week's time. it takes general time, an accumulation of experiences with the person through that time, and some raw conversations about ourselves [either one-on-one or in a group] before i look at a person and with all my heart, call them a friend. and it is only with friends like these i would want to live with, especially if one of them was going to be my roommate. and this opportunity is the only one so far that has been that sort of dynamic for me. second of all, i didn't want to move out immediately once out of high school because i didn't want to get used to both college and a new home at the same time. thirdly, i am generally a "late bloomer" when comes to going through rites of passage, and i've been that way my entire life according to my mom. but when i am ready for it, i mean that i am ready. i mean that i am going to make it happen as soon as possible, because i know i'm ready, and i will not change my mind. it's just the way i am. and as you have just witnessed yourself, i said i was ready to move out and i will now possibly have done so by the end of the month.

i just wanted to clear some of that up, since i've had a few concerned "how are you?" comments come from those who knew i wanted to move out rather quickly. in general, i am fine. we all have our issues and struggles and tough growing stages, and i do not consider myself in any worse of a situation than that of anyone else.

also, everyone and their cousin is engaged right now! it's crazy. oh, romance. i'll take a rain check.

this blog has gotten long enough. if i keep going i won't be able to write about anything else for a month. i hope this Saturday warms your heart in a way that it never has before.

so long, for now.

thoughts/issues/feelings as of late.

hey friends.

if you're the praying type, i ask you to keep me in mind when doing so for a few reasons. first, i am still unsure about how India will fit into my future. second, i'm going to start doing some more serious research into other graduate school opportunities other than George Fox in Portland. and thirdly, i am now going to begin looking into how/if/when i can move out of my parents' house.

the third decision listed is the one i am thinking about the most, since i want to make it happen before the year is over if possible. thing is, i would probably either have to quit my job or start training to be a server there, which would take up much more of my time and still may not be enough to fully support myself. then again, with this economy it may be my only option. bah.

i am looking forward to camping this weekend. maybe i'll finally have some worthwhile pictures to post on here!

we'll see. have a good one.

"his father was a drinker, and his mother cried in bed."

if i talk about books, songs, and movies a lot, it's because they always seem to teach me something about myself or about life. having said that, i feel like talking about how i react to Sufjan Stevens' song "John Wayne Gacy, Jr."

it's about the famous serial killer from Illinois that raped and murdered thirty-something boys ranging from the ages of fourteen to twenty-one. he hid most of them in the crawl space under his house once they had decomposed too much for his liking.

what really stays with me from this song is the last few lines:

"and in my best behavior, i am really just like him
look beneath the floor boards for the secrets i have hid."

i automatically think of the verse in the Bible that says all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. does this mean we have all sinned to the same degree? we all needed the same Savior, so i suppose we indeed have. that makes me wonder, both in fear and in curiosity, of what the depths of my heart and mind would have to say for themselves if ever fully brought out of their murky and hidden depths. it also makes me wonder what would had to have happened to me throughout my life to have pushed me to the point of finding pleasure only in others' despair.

all i know is that i was spared from such a life, and knowing that such potential is inside of me and was withheld is somehow even more of a blessing than not having such potential at all.

Tolkien's at it again.

to preface this blog, i will say that i have been reading The Silmarillion by J.R.R. Tolkien for the past month or so now, and it's been a bit of a rough read so far. it reads a lot like the Bible, in that a lot of the stories are really powerful but you have to add some of the emotion and dialogue yourself to it in order to really comprehend what is going on and what will come out of it. Tolkien's writing however is absolutely beautiful even in its mundane nature.

i started the book because it is the very first book related to the Lord of the Rings series...even before The Hobbit. it starts at the creation of Middle Earth and tells the stories of all the people and cities that are referenced throughout the later books. being one who enjoys having a thorough knowledge of any given subject, i decided i should give the book a shot.

so today i was in Starbucks for quite some time between classes and i got to a part in the book that describes a love story between a Man and an Elf that really stirred something inside of me. since i know you are devastatingly interested, i'll relay my favorite excerpts, which are about when the Man (named Beren) and the Elf (named Lúthien) first meet:

It is told in the Lay of Leithian that Beren came stumbling into Doriath grey and bowed as with many years of woe, so great had been the torment of the road. But wandering in the summer in the woods of Neldoreth he came upon Lúthien, daughter of Thingol and Melian, at a time of evening under moonrise, as she danced upon the unfading grass in the glades beside Esgalduin. Then all memory of his pain departed from him, and he fell into an enchantment; for Lúthien was the most beautiful of all the Children of Ilúvatar (God). Blue was her raiment as the unclouded heaven, but her eyes were grey as the starlit evening; her mantle was sewn with golden flowers, but her hair was dark as the shadows of twilight. As the light upon the leaves of trees, as the voice of clear waters, as the stars above the mists of the world, such was her glory and her loveliness; and in her face was shining light.
But she vanished from his sight; and he became dumb, as one that is bound under a spell, and he strayed long in the woods, wild and wary as a beast, seeking for her. In his heart he called her Tinúviel, that signifies Nightingale, daughter of twilight, in the Grey-elven tongue, for he knew no other name for her. And he saw her afar as leaves in the winds of autumn, and in winter as a star upon a hill, but a chain was upon his limbs.
There came a time near dawn on the eve of spring, and Lúthien danced upon a green hill; and suddenly she began to sing. Keen, heart-piercing was her song as the song of the lark that rises from the gates of night and pours its voice among the dying stars, seeing the sun behind the walls of the world; and the song of Lúthien released the bonds of winter, and the frozen waters spoke, and flowers sprang from the cold earth where her feet passed.
Then the spell of silence fell from Beren, and he called to her, crying Tinúviel, and the woods echoed the name. Then she halted in wonder, and fled no more, and Beren came to her [....] Thereafter often she came to him, and they went in secret through the woods together from spring to summer; and no others of the Children of Ilúvatar have had joy so great, though the time was brief.


i think i loved this story so much because i know that it was inspired by J.R.R. Tolkien's own love story with his wife. she danced for him in the woods when they were young, and i can just imagine him writing this as fast as he could before his memory faded into something more dull and blurry. there is obviously a supernatural aspect to Lúthien with the changing of seasons and such, but i wonder if Tolkien really did add anything to her that he did not see in his wife. i wonder if she really did initiate the season of spring, even if just in his heart. i don't remember when she died but i know she died before he did, and so i am sure he felt that their time together was both joyous and brief just as with Beren and Lúthien.

i guess you could say that i love how fantastic and yet how realistic such love is. sometimes i wonder if only those who have been through sorrow can know joy like that...i know The Prophet talks about it, but i can't quote it because a friend has it at the moment. something about how pain can be like the digging deeper of a well and joy is the water that comes out of it...therefore making pain necessary for joy. something like that.

i need sleep. dream of the sweeter things tonight.

"Child, it's only time...it will go by."

there are a lot of subjects i feel like writing about.

first of all, i think there's something to be said for heartbreakers. i speak for myself. i've hurt enough guys in my life just by being who i am and being as young as i was when i caused them pain. i've also been on the receiving end of such pain, so i know how easy it is to feel like you were just used by a manipulative a-hole. but in reality, no one in that situation knows what they want...it's the heartbreaker who simply realizes it before the other person.

and being one who is familiar with relational pain...i can't think of anything worse than knowing that i've hurt someone because i didn't know what i wanted. i left them for something i couldn't define. i had nothing concrete to show them that it was the right decision. knowing something painful is right and then having no reassurance when all is said and done accumulates to a heavy load to carry on your heart.

another subject...i haven't been truly healthy in about a week and a half's time. there's always something my body seems to be fighting off, and never do i catch my breath when tomorrow comes...not the extent that i feel necessary.

it reminds me of something a mentor of mine once said...it went along the lines of "for some reason, i was once always waiting for things to get easier." it broke me and freed me from the thought of God holding out on me, because life isn't supposed to be easy. sure, we're meant to prosper, but since when has that been a walk in the park? anyway, somehow being sickly and not even having breathing as an easy task has led me down this mental road.

also, "Be Here Now" by Ray LaMontagne is my temporary favorite song. i plan on listening to it until i am utterly sick of it.

all the best to you.

"Come quick, you Light that knows no evening."

i just got back from my first walk in awhile. i had forgotten how disoriented my body temperature gets...how frustrated my leg muscles get...how there's always that fear that some creeper is hiding out in the bushes...how my music always sounds a bit clearer and sweeter in my ears...and how i can be spending time with Him without saying a word.

tonight's album was mewithoutYou's Catch For Us the Foxes. just enough anger to keep me power-walking and just enough joy for me to be enjoying myself. it was a good walk and i needed it.

i had small group tonight and for the most part that was a good time, but after awhile i just felt like going home. sometimes i'm emotionally and mentally not up for it all.

so i guess it's time for some Lost and The Office. quite the combo.

later, folks.

SO excited!

i have been wanting to go overseas for a really long time, but every time i think of "overseas" i think of Africa. i do want to go there eventually, but not with all of my heart. and also when i think about mission trips, i think of either construction work, feeding people, playing with kids, and/or straightforward evangelism. i also would love to do all of those things, but they aren't my forte at all and i would feel like i couldn't really contribute much because i have never been good at those things. even playing with kids can be difficult for me.

but i recently realized that for the past year or so, God has really given me a significant draw to India. there is something about that place that makes my mouth go dry and my heart lighten, and at the same time i feel the hurt and the burden of its beautiful people and i ache for them. a few days ago i decided that i could not hide any longer from the fact that i need to go there and maybe stay there for awhile. so i decided further that i was going to put some real effort into finding my way there, even if it was just some trip to clean out their gutters. i would do what i could to the best of my ability and would love every minute of it.

so today i was exploring different ministries that went to India and found one called Heart of God Ministries. it stood out to me because it offered what is called "Ethnomusicology" which entails that after five months of training i could go with a church planting team, learn the musical styles of the people, and create worship songs for them. when i read that, i about died with joy! it is an opportunity to do what i LOVE to do more than anything in a place that i am already in love with! and all this time i thought that i would be doing something that i couldn't be good at or ever really impact anyone with. what a lie. God doesn't make someone good at X and call them to do Y. He doesn't give me a heart for His music and then send me off to build houses. He creates with purpose and planning and then fulfills those purposes and plans. i can't say that i feel 100% called to this particular opportunity, but it has at least opened my eyes to all the possibilities of ministry overseas, particularly in India.

all i ask is that you begin to pray for further information and guidance in all of this. i have the opportunity to change my life forever depending on my decisions in these next few months. i will be doing what i can to give Him control of it all.

well there's nothing left to say for me. except praise God.

Morning Glory.

i randomly woke up at 8:10am this morning and could do nothing to go back to sleep. i went to sleep around 2am, mind you.

i wish every morning could be this way. in fact, that's part of the reason i chose classes later in the day this semester; i wanted to enjoy my mornings. i love having so many more hours in my day and seeing shadows outside that are usually in the sunlight by the time i wake up. also, the coffee is fresh and the cheeky Good Morning America is on.

i'm starting...starting...to write my music again. i knew i was having difficulty before because i wasn't really opening up or being honest in my investment, but those were not things that i felt i could change on my own. i wish there was an Open Me switch in my heart that i could turn on and off. but alas, a person who is closed-off is usually hidden from themselves as well, and so i myself did not even know what was inside of me. if anything has shown me the mystery God has wrapped me in, it has been this journey of self-discovery. and so i suppose a better way of putting all of this would be that God has graciously and lovingly been revealing more and more of Himself to me, and in such a revelation i was only bound to discover myself as well. and therein lies my renewed motivation to create; specifically, to create music.

i was talking to my mom the other day about how, even though i ADORE my sister, i have felt the cold of her shadow as of late [which is awkward to say since she'll probably read this...hah]. i remember especially feeling it when her wedding was around the time of my first prom, and i had to pry my mom away from wedding plans to go help me pick out a dress. and she seemed to only come because Emily came along too and they could talk wedding-talk the entire time. being sixteen and self-absorbed, i was a bit perturbed. four years later and i'm feeling the same left-out feeling but without the bitterness, because even though it kind of sucks, it makes sense as to why this is the way that it is.
Emily is married, just recently moved into her first house, is now pregnant, and is starting a significant job in her life. all of those achievements took [and are still taking] hard work and allow for life-changing steps into the future. they ARE important and they ARE worth celebrating every single day. their blog is full of exciting news and updates that are totally worth reading and commenting on.
in comparison, my life up until now has been an internal journey for the most part. and that is important too, because i know that God is preparing me for a life that will take all of the mental and emotional strength that i am gaining right now. my life on the outside looks easy and healthy and consistent, but my heart has been through battles that my body could never have survived, and every smile on my face is given to me by the grace of God Himself. and so all i have to write about are things that people can't really comment on too much, and therefore pass over. my life is one yet to be visible, which can make me feel terribly lonely and lackluster and base. i don't have a husband or a house or a baby or a "real" job to live life with and through. but i hold onto the promise that God has plans of prosperity for me, and that my life can in fact be seen, even if just by His eyes for now. and so while Emily now enjoys the light and the heat of the sun, my source of heat and light comes from within, and will soon allow for the sun to stain my face just as it did for her.

hmm...what else? i've had pretty vivid dreams lately, but they're a bit too hilarious for me to take seriously. plus, i've never been one to interpret too much into dreams. God finds me in other ways.

also, over the past year now i have developed some of the deepest friendships i've ever comprehended. there are things that i do for my friends that i have only ever done with boyfriends, such as share something with someone just because i know it will make them happy, and being terribly excited to witness that happiness myself. sounds simple, but it really is a big step for me.

that is that. i love you all. go listen to some good music and learn something new about yourself.

The Prophet: On Beauty

"And a poet said, Speak to us of Beauty.
And he answered:
Where shall you seek beauty, and how
shall you find her unless she herself be your
way and your guide?
And how shall you speak of her except
she be the weaver of your speech?

The aggrieved and the injured say,
'Beauty is kind and gentle.
Like a young mother half-shy of her
own glory she walks among us.'
And the passionate say, 'Nay, beauty is
a thing of might and dread.
Like the tempest she shakes the earth
beneath us and the sky above us.'

The tired and the weary say, 'Beauty is
of soft whisperings. She speaks in our spirit.
Her voice yields to our silences like a faint
light that quivers in fear of a shadow.'
But the restless say, 'We have heard her
shouting among the mountains,
And with her cries came the sound of
hoofs, and the beating of wings and the
roaring of lions.'

At night the watchmen of the city say,
'Beauty shall ride with the dawn of the east.'
And at noontide the toilers and the way-
farers say, 'We have seen her leaning over
the earth from the windows of the sunset.'

In winter say the snow-bound, 'She shall
come with the spring leaping upon the hills.'
And in the summer heat the reapers say,
'We have seen her dancing with the autumn
leaves, and we saw a drift of snow in her hair.'
All these things have you said of beauty,
Yet in truth you spoke not of her but of
needs unsatisfied,
And beauty is not a need but an ecstasy.
It is not a mouth thirsting nor an empty
hand stretched forth,
But rather a heart enflamed and a soul
enchanted.

It is not the image you would see nor the
song you would hear,
But rather an image you see though you
close your eyes and a song you hear though
you shut your ears.
It is not the sap within the furrowed bark,
nor a wing attached to a claw,
But rather a garden for ever in bloom and
a flock of angels for ever in flight.

People of Orphalese, beauty is life when
life unveils her holy face.
But you are life and you are the veil.
Beauty is eternity gazing at itself
in a mirror.
But you are eternity and you are
the mirror."