A Universe Wrapped in Skin

When I'm asked what led me to become a therapist - and I am asked this a lot - there is a long answer and a short answer.

The long answer: Let's grab coffee and we'll swap life stories.

The short answer: I can't find anything on the planet more interesting than the human mind. And I can't think of anything on the planet more creative or helpful to do with my time here than to interact with human minds in a way that promotes their own health. To discover the complexities within, to bask in the mind's holy creation and broken rendering, to behold the finest work of Him and to help that work be a little less distressed by this world.

It is my art, my science, my symphony, my life's work.

And it makes me a better person.

I am currently reading a book on a relatively new model of therapy I plan on adopting into my practice. It is founded on the neurological evidence that the brain is far more complex than we'd ever imagined. So much so that brain scans show proof of independent "modules", or personalities, in the brain that store and process information alongside one another, as opposed to the unitary idea of one brain processing information and storing information in an assembly-line fashion, one unit at a time. It appears that there is reason to believe that the brain is composed of independent networks of information processing, more like a community of productivity rather than a single assembly line.

This means you and I have several "parts" within us, all with their own beliefs and personalities and temperaments. A highly traumatized person may in fact organize these parts in such a way that the parts manifest themselves as full-fledged people living within one person - you know this as multiple personality disorder, or dissociative identity disorder. But on a far less traumatized scale, we all have different parts of us operating within us at different times, all with different roles that have adapted to help us survive what life has thrown at us.

While I can dive deeper in and deconstruct the therapy model with you, going into detail about the types of parts and how they function, I won't potentially bore you. I share this with you to help you on your journey to becoming a better person, like I am.

Because the biggest take-away from learning about the complexity of the mind is the gift of multiplicity it brings. It means when you are depressed, you are not entirely depressed, depression does not embody *you*, and you are not helpless to depression. It means when you struggle with anxiety, you are not a person cursed with overwhelming anxiety that can take over the core of who you are, only part of you is anxious.

And here's what I needed to hear: It means when someone says or does something hurtful to you, it is not necessarily their core self reacting to you out of some deep dislike. It is most likely just a part of them that has a particular feeling at that time. Which means there is room for grace.

Which sometimes sucks to hear, honestly. It's easier to villainize the other and the victimize yourself, or vise versa. But the fact of the matter remains that God created us far more intricately and dimensionally than we could ever have comprehended. You are a universe wrapped in skin. Do not give up on yourself, or on others, over singular-minded ideas or unitary feelings. There is hope and healing in your innumerable facets.

The richness of the mind is truly the only proof I need of a masterful and loving Creator. I fall to my knees in witnessing its beauty, its resilience, its ability to survive and somehow become more beautiful in its wounds.

While you may not be swooned in the same way I am, you're human and so I know that life sucks for you sometimes, you really don't like yourself sometimes, and people hurt you sometimes. So hear me out.

There is scientific proof that there is hope for your shortcomings, and that they literally do not encompass what makes you *you*.

There are brain scans to show that there is literal room in your conscience for grace towards others. While we can't all be perfectly harmonious on this side of eternity, I encourage you to lean into the idea that you don't have the capacity to *fully* understand yourself, let alone fully understand someone else.

We're all broken, we're all trying, we're all surviving.

And we're all unbelievably gorgeous creations, worthy of wonder and awe. The more I learn, the more I am mystified and honored to be welcomed into the internal worlds of others.

Like I said, I can't think of anything else more interesting to be doing.

On Jesus shit

Tonight, I spontaneously typed in "Sonicflood" into Spotify and blasted their '99 record on my drive home from Franklin.

Yes. I did this on purpose. And I'm so glad I did.

It felt like some of the most genuine and joyful singing I've experienced in a long time. I remember being in youth group and singing about how I could sing of His love forever, about how His holiness is what I long for and need, and most importantly singing about coming back to the heart of worship. I remembered that beautiful realization as a young kid, understanding that the God of the Universe who had felt so far away is in fact so very close. Scary close. Close enough to truly *know* me and even love me.

In all of my nostalgic singing, I remembered what it felt like to first understand the holiness of God. I remembered how, instead of breaking me, that holiness gave me life.

Understanding this holiness led to worship. This worship led to praise. And I've been singing to Him ever since.

Enter: 20 years of church music, 3 years working in the Christian retail industry, and 3 years living in the Christian Music capitol of the world

As it turns out, I'm not the only one who likes singing to Him.

As it turns out, there is a massive amount of money that can be made if you write catchy songs about Him.

As it turns out, the Christian music industry is freaking loaded. Seriously. Loaded to the brim with the dollars.

There is nothing inherently wrong in this. Money is not inherently evil. But money is always going to be a persuasive factor. I have born witness to too many Christian artists bargaining with studios for cheaper rates/walking out on records, even asking for the work to be free in order "to further the Kingdom", all while making ridiculous money playing in churches or on tour or farting out records.

If that sounds harsh, I promise you it is not. If you listen closely, even with an untrained ear, you can tell if a song is a praise song before a word is ever sung. It's in the timing, it's in the guitar pedals, it's in the drum samples, it's in the drum rhythms, it's in the mixing of the EQs. Not even five seconds into a song, and you magically know it's for a church.

Today's praise songs are carefully calculated formulas. Put enough "grace, soul, shame, chains, glory, love, King" words in it, and congratulations, you've conjured America's Holy Spirit that will send its audience into tears and raised hands, and somehow it all becomes a song about themselves. Consider this the curtain pulling back, and witnessing Oz at the pulleys and levers of the seemingly magical.

Please hear me.

God is my Rock, my Everything, my Existence. Without Him I am undone.

Please hear me.

I am moved to my core in music. My most powerful and important moments in life, including the beginning of my personal faith, were born in music.

Perhaps it is my fierce love of both that has me so indignant toward what feels like blasphemous capitalism.

I'll never forget this one dude who came into Berean Christian Bookstores (a Christian bookstore with CDs, home decor, and kids toys) when I worked there a decade ago. He was buying a CD and a book, and I was at the register processing his order. His cell rang, he answered it, and chatted with whoever was on the line. They must have asked him what he was up to, because he replied, "Oh, I'm just buying some Jesus shit and then heading over to Carmen's."

I was baffled and amazed. We finished up and he left. My co-worker and I laughed so hard, and she said, "You know, other than the Bible, everything in here really *is* just Jesus shit."

And so, as I grew older and wiser, as I saw the Christian community be more of a Christian industry that slaps a Bible verse on rubber ducks and sells them for $13, as I saw mega churches and Christian artists crank out cheap formulas that they sell as praise and worship,

all I've seen

and all I've smelled

is Jesus shit.

Enter: tonight with Sonicflood

Are they amazing? No. Did they crank out their songs mainly for a profit? Maybe. Tonight wasn't about experiencing a band who is free of guilt. Tonight was about where that music took me back to, and that was back to worship.

There's a distinct difference between worship and praise.

I worship God because He exists. I praise God for how His existence gives me existence.

I worship God because He is holy. I praise God for how His holiness allowed for Him to take my place.

I worship God because He is love. I praise God for how His love saved my life.

I worship God because of who He is. I praise God for His relationship with me.

Worship is acknowledging the holy. Praise is acknowledging the attributes of the holy that benefit my life.

Both are in the Word, both are pillars of any true relationship with God.

But I feel like all I've heard in Christian music - even further, in Christian messages and conversations and Christian Instagrams and Christian small groups - in the last decade has been an excessive amount of praise. Not enough worship.

Praise of how God benefits us. Not enough worship of who He is even if He were to rip everything away.

Praise of how God gives us an identity. Not enough worship of God's holy identity is on its own.

Praise of how God somehow turns into a magical mirror for us to finally love our own reflection. Not enough worship of the small glimpses of God we've graciously been given.

If you end up talking about yourself, you're doing worship wrong. Unless you're saying sorry for all the Jesus shit.

My beef with the Christian music industry is my own, not something I'm forcing onto you. Getting a closer look at Oz operating behind the curtain while living in Nashville has me bitter and jaded with most of what is being put out lately.

If it's worship for you, by all means lean in and experience the Holy. God can work through anything, even Jesus shit. ;)

If it's purely Jesus shit to you, if you're feeling praised-out and don't know why, maybe this post is more than just a personal soapbox for me. Maybe this is a needed reminder to press into worship while the Christian culture keeps cashing in on all that feel-good praise.

For me, worship is experiencing Sigur Ros while driving through the mountains.

Worship is singing Christmas carols about the humble holiness of Christ's birth.

Worship is standing in awe of my Savior while it feels like my family falls apart, while I grieve and heal and lean into pain that does not evoke immediate praise.

Worship is 11-year-old me singing the words to "Heart of Worship" with tears down my face because, for the first time, I understand there is a Father to sing them to.

Worship is singing Sonicflood songs 18 years too late in my car as a grown woman.

Don't throw the baby out with the bath water, like I ended up doing for too long. Don't throw the worship out with the hi-fi praise that is blasting in every church.

Find your worship, then find your praise,

and do what you will with the rest of the Jesus shit.