"if You say go, we will go; if You say wait, we will wait."

like i said, i didn't get the internship i wanted. but as of tonight, i might get an internship in a different area of Lost Canyon...the kitchen. i have literally never stepped more than twenty feet into that place in all of my years going to camp there. i have no experiences or memories to work off of. if i get this, it'll most likely be the most challenging three months of my life. dude, bring it. or don't, then i get to have a slightly more relaxing break from school. :) win-win.

in other news, having a schedule involving so many night classes is surprisingly less stressful than having them scattered throughout multiple days of the week. i have an entire week for those classes to read articles and study at my leisure. and i'm feeling nothing even close to senioritis. if anything, i'm more studious than ever. c'est tres intéressant.

also, our first Younglife club was so bomb. a lot of it had to do with how hard a bunch of us worked on putting together an awesome skit about leadership styles. even though i technically wrote it, i got the majority of my ideas from our team effort. the first of many, Club Planning team. the first of many.

these are all really awesome experiences that are blessings of mine during a trying time of the heart. it feels heavy-laden and weary. the air i breathe feels thick and my limbs feel heavy. even when i'm wide awake and get good rest, my spirit feels tired. oh well. i'm running the good race, keeping my eye on the prize.

hope you're doing the same, my friends.

of risks and beauty pageants.

so i didn't get the internship i applied for. two years in a row, haha. but i'm glad i tried, because it put me in the mindset of making this summer intentional...something that i need to pray about and plan for. that next level of leadership is going to meet me right where i am, not on top of a mountain.

i am also realizing that the wall i keep hitting when it comes to writing music is directly correlated with this wall i'm hitting with leadership. it's a boldness, a step into the unknown, it's taking a stand for something that others will want to challenge or turn down. it is making a choice and sticking with it. every single note, chord, word...a choice. leadership and music are both the type of risk i have done my best to avoid my entire life. of course God wants me to face them at the same time in the same respect. He's always pushing me in the deep end to teach me how to swim.

i have plenty of crappy feelings i have to swallow in order to keep a positive attitude about this. i feel the need to express that so that i don't come across as some beauty pageant contestant about life. do i feel like God's keeping me from things that i want, while dangling other things over my head that i could technically pursue but should not? yes, i feel that way. it feels like i'm ready for adventure and He's forcing me to stay put. it feels like the me i want to be is out of my reach because He closes door after door. i feel like my heart is blindly running through a maze and it hits wall after wall, leaving a bruise every time.

and yet everything i said in the previous paragraphs is true. this is the path for me. it is the best for me. God is strong enough, all-knowing enough, and loving enough to provide for me the life i was meant for. the foreign countries, the mountains, the everything else...it will have its time. hurts like hell without it now, but i trust Him enough to know He wants those things for me too.

time for bed. until next time...

"because i have a voice!"

i am on the cusp of discovering a hidden cave of potential inside of me. i know it, and others know it. i know it will change everything.

therefore, this movie came into my life at the perfect time...The King's Speech


it is a beautiful movie (clearly) about rising to the occasion and embracing the greatness that was meant for you. going through the excruciating process of facing yourself over and over, pushing through fear and weakness. i completely related to the king's short temper and "can't do it" attitude about the whole thing. i also love that it didn't have a perfect ending where he got over his obstacles perfectly and they were never an issue again; rather, he simply chose to not give up on himself. he chose the struggle instead of choosing to live a lesser life.

i definitely plan on seeing it again. you should too.

class time. later. :)

Come ye sinners, poor and needy.

these are the days when i feel like i really have something to give to God.

not my gifts or talents. those are already His, for He made them.

not my words or thoughts. He knew them before i had the brain to even create them.

my something to give is myself.

that's not to say my body, or even my soul. what's left if not any of those, you ask?

think of it [work with me] as oil that secretes through the skin. the residue of the flesh. the aftermath of the human condition.

i can give Him my interpretations of my experiences. sounds a lot like 'thoughts,' but thoughts are more instinctual and impulsive by definition. interpretations involve a higher consciousness, you could say.

i can give Him all the wedding/marriage/love dreams i instantly foster when i meet a great guy.

i can give Him the plans i silently organize in my mind to make my career look just the way i want it to.

i can give Him every false premise i have attempted to stand on in order to justify drastic means for beauty.

i can give Him the conclusions i make about myself and others after each and every musical session i partake in.

in those ways, i can give Him my interpretations of my experiences.

sometimes i let them accumulate. i let them sit around in my mind, so that i can stare at them when i crave a shot of happiness or peace. they become false hopes to which my heart clings.

come ye sinners, poor and needy
weak and wounded, sick and sore
Jesus ready, stands to save you
full of pity, love and power

then i get to a point like the one i'm at right now. i realize that such hopes let my heart drown rather than breathe. they are not hopes at all, but bars on a cage. i am not free to indulge in them, but am a slave to their taunts and their expectations.

come ye thirsty, come and welcome
God's free bounty, glorify
true belief and true repentance
every grace that brings you nigh

i barely have the strength to find in my heart a place where i feel i can meet with Him. i try my best to make it worthy of His presence. He always finds a way to meet me right where i'm at, catching me off guard and uncomfortably in the moment.

come ye weary, heavy-laden
bruised and broken by the fall
if you tarry until you're better
you will never come at all

and there we are, with all those secretive interpretations and clever ideas of mine right where we both can see them. i can't take my eyes off of them, not out of a residual desire but out of shame. they define me. they so evidently show the contrast between who i am and who stands before me. they reveal my petty, selfish, and glutenous nature when i am called to bigger and better things. they show the dirt i've scrubbed into my skin rather than the water i am offered.

i am given a choice. cage or freedom. dirt or water. my way or His way. and so with broken legs, i find a way to run to Him.

i will arise and go to Jesus
He will embrace me in His arms
and in the arms of my dear Savior
there are ten thousand charms

thank you Jesus for saving me from myself.