a garden's thoughts on her Gardener's intentions.

sometimes i feel like a garden...multi-faceted, colorful, seasonal, never fully seen in one view.

and yet i have rarely felt known in this way.

He is my gardener...even i have difficulty understanding my seasons, my colors, my textures, or the care it takes to tend to it all.

i have been known in one context, but completely misunderstood in another.

some of my colors have been loved while the others have been neglected.

i have been accepted at first sight, only to be rejected as the journey through my garden reveals undesirable traits.

people are flawed, including myself. i get that. but i'm not sure i could ever share my life with a man who couldn't accept or understand my garden to it's fullest. this takes time, effort, and probably a lot of prayer for some insight from the Gardener Himself. who'd do that? would i even want them to?

all i know is that i have felt most known by those who have taught ME about my garden, and have loved the parts God has grown that i tend to avoid or am ashamed of. the relationships that consisted of me explaining my garden all the time have been the easiest to shed, because i was never known and therefore never truly loved.

is it considered "putting up walls" when i reject someone who doesn't show interest in discovering me by his own effort?

is it unrealistic to wait for a man who will tread lightly in wisdom and in prayer through the depths of who i am before saying yes to me and spouting off marriage talk?

is it arrogant to believe that i am worth the time or the pursuit or the hardships that come with a man falling in love with the land that is my soul?

God is my gardener. He created me with care and creativity and mystery. i believe that.

and these have been my late-night thoughts on what to do with such a place. time for bed!

love.

Second Session already?

i'm almost halfway through this internship. that is unreal. i remember my first day like it was last week.

in ways it is getting easier, in ways it is getting harder.

as God accomplishes His will for growth in practical areas of my life, like shouldering significant responsibilities and gracefully facing failure, He is now moving on to relational areas of growth.

He is closing doors i've never had an issue opening. He is opening doors i didn't even know existed. He is blasting through walls to show me how He doesn't need doors at all.

He is dancing for me, and i have never felt His love like this.

i have seen it before in the beauty of Colorado, where i felt like we were on a five-day date together.

i have heard it before in encouraging words of friends and mentors, where i felt called and lifted up to do things i never imagined i could.

i have felt it before in the truth and majesty of music, where i could dance with Him and give His gift back with my voice.

this is a different love, and it is difficult to describe.

all i know is that He truly is jealous for me in this moment, because every distraction is stifled and removed as my eyes start to wander. i'd be lying if i said being 100% focused on God didn't feel like taking a class or reading a non-fiction book all day. both of those things are wonderful and beneficial, but without breaks it becomes painful. i'm not saying i need a break from God, but all He is challenging me with is beginning to wear on my attitude and heart, and i have begun looking for breaks from that load.

pray that i live in the joy and peace of Christ for awhile. that's on me, not on Him.

hope you all are having summer adventures worth sharing with me later. ;)