i haven't stayed up this late in a long time with that "just because i can" attitude that once ruled my weekends and summer breaks. a few blogs here and there have come out of sleepless nights.
i forgot how thoughts just sort of "eek out" when it's late. daily life's not around to monitor what comes out of my brain. but i don't feel like apologizing for that since you're choosing to read this voluntarily.
what else can i write that could possibly be silenced with the sunrise?
here's something. i'm not going to be scared of my music anymore. i don't care if it's amateur, simplistic, or downright bad. i don't care if i can name off fifty people within a fifty-mile radius who can sing better than me. i don't care if fifty THOUSAND people in this state alone can play guitar better than me. i've lived my life caring, comparing, and compromising over this. and i can't do it anymore.
God put music inside of me. NO, that doesn't mean i simply have a deep respect for other people's music. NO, that doesn't mean i have been mentally or physically writing songs that seem to prophetically come to me in specific words and chords. NO, that doesn't mean i obnoxiously sing or play whenever i get a chance so that the spotlight is on me.
i live my life by the definitions of music. get it?
marriage is finding your harmony. don't find someone too close or too distant...you'll either clash or be in completely different keys.
looking out the window in a driving car is a song. the distant movements, like mountains, are the foundational and basic rhythms that define the pace and the tone. the not-so-distant objects moving faster are the chords adding color, and the immediate objects you can barely see whizzing by are the melodies stringing the chords together.
my faith is the key of my life's song. all kinds of chords come and go, but every action i take should be relative to the key. no key = no foundation.
my emotions are chords. different notes and strings...different circumstances...come together to create them, and sometimes there are particular notes that define the entire chord as either major or minor...particular circumstances that make me happy or sad. focus on the notes that will continue on into the next chord. focus on the circumstances that surpass emotions.
music has rules, so long as it is called music. it is not relative, it is not subjective, it is not optional. though there are relative and subjective and optional avenues through which one moves through music, there are fundamental rules that cannot be compromised. such is life.
a song is a life. there are specific verses that come and go, build-up points, and repetitive choruses that tell of who we are and why we're here. the specific words are based on our actions.
are you getting my point? music is literally my life. if i sound angry, don't take it personally. i just don't understand why it has taken so long for me to realize that this is not a pass time, this is not a talent, this is not lust for fame or attention or compliments.
this, is, my, calling.
we are all stewards of our spiritual and practical gifts, and i have done a lousy job at harvesting this particular one of mine. i have learned music for my own pleasure, performed it when it was convenient, and gave up on writing whenever it got too odious or intimidating. i have lived for myself. lately God has literally FORCED me to sing and play for Him...people have pursued me endlessly to glorify Him through music and i have done so as a favor and not as a ministry. every single time...every SINGLE time i have done so, i have had people either asking me to play for another event as well or asking me when [not if, when] i'm going to record so that they can buy my EP.
i remember years ago giving up on this. i was staring rejection and failure in the face and i forfeited without a second thought. but my Jesus never lets go that easily. He has sought me out and refuses to allow for shadows to hide my face from Him any longer. i have given Him my leadership abilities, my relationships, my attitude, and my will to live.
but i haven't given Him my music. He reveals it inside of me everyday and i refuse to think "too much of it" or "get too full of myself" to the point of feeling called "to make something of myself" because of it. THAT would be the selfish and lustful thing to do, right?
hah. my selfishness is in all of my securities. my lust is in guaranteeing my FULL knowledge of what's coming next in life. music wipes both of those slates clean.
now, this isn't the very first revelation to the fact that i need to focus on music more. sorry friends, i know you were hoping to be the witnesses to some crazy life change in Katelyn on a very early Friday morning. i've been feeling this for months. but this is the first time i've "said it out loud" to anyone but my small group, and i feel like it's time. it's time to start holding myself publicly accountable to my calling. it isn't going to be simple, straightforward, easy, or even fun. i may personally hate every song that i write down.
but praise God for direction, even if it leads to fearful places and obstacles taunting for a fight. praise be to the Whisper given to desperate ears in their time of need. praise be to the God of my music.
don't get too hasty...this is particularly a long road. but for the first time, i am actually walking it.
