life's like this.

no really, in junior high and some of high school i truly thought life was like this. or should be like this.



living the dream, i truly thought she was.

life was about breaking the rules that old cautious farts made up to stay comfortable.

life was about wearing whatever i wanted to wear, and for a long while, it distinctly resembled Avril Lavigne's tomboy skater apparel.

life was about doing what i wanted.

thankfully for me, what i wanted to do wasn't all that dangerous or immoral. but the point is this: life was about shaking up the world and laughing at the horror/shock/appalled looks on their faces at the mere thought of such a change.

i hear that desire in teens' words to this day. they want change. they want adventure. they want action and emotion and satisfaction from this life, and they refuse to wait for it. so they vandalize property and throw candy at people in theaters. so they dramatize their lives and talk behind each others' backs. so they idolize sex and assume that it determines all things because it is the ultimate source of physical and emotional pleasure.

they do their best to make their lives meaningful in a way that makes sense to them.

i totally get that.

but those are all very wrong fuels for a very right flame.

all i know is that i serve an adventurous, missionary, purposeful, and satisfying God who calls for a lifestyle of change.

and i know, with everything that i am, that life should be like this:



i highly doubt sex is that awesome.

bedtime.

God's uncomfortable calling.

i'm getting stir-crazy a lot lately.

i'll be sitting somewhere and think "i need to do something! i need...i need...i need to go somewhere! i need...i need...i need to live my life and get things rolling!"

then i usually clean or contemplate ways i can live a more recreational life (buying a bike, hiking more, rock climbing, eating better, etc) and imagine myself doing things that i think are cool, like traveling and getting my hands dirty in something that makes a difference.

but i feel like God is calling me to something specific. something soon.

the first thing i think of is my music. i've been working a little more on it but i always find reasons to put it off. "oh i can't, my roommates will get annoyed," when in reality they say they all get quiet and listen whenever they hear me playing my guitar and singing with the door shut, AND Missy always makes a point of being wherever i'm going to be doing worship. "well, i don't have some huge message that i feel the need to share with the world through music," that's the stupidest one of all. are you kidding? you don't have anything to say or give to a hurting, dying, festering, suffocating world? you're an idiot (i can get a little rude with myself). "i'm not good enough...i'm not talented enough to deserve people listening to me," this is the one that gets me the most. what if i put everything i've got into something that people breeze on by? they might thing it's nice or creative for a few seconds, but in the end i haven't made a dent in anything or anyone. here's the real fear: fear of failure. here's the real lacking: lacking in trusting the sovereignty of God's will.

one thing that has resounded with me the most from going to Pure Heart is Pastor Dan saying, "we're not called to win, but we're called to die trying."

ouch.

but a good ouch. a healthy ouch. a God ouch.

i know i was made for this. i know it. i know God created me shy and introverted in order to push me into the spotlight with a microphone, because i would only be willing to do so with the right intentions. it could only be for His will.

and with that, i'm off to write.

i'll try to blog again soon. :)