the last few months have held some of the most significant times in my life up until this point. i know that i will forever be affected by them even if i forget their specific stories.
firstly, i became an aunt to Madelyn Elizabeth Delster. i have to be honest; all throughout Emily's pregnancy i was focused on how she was doing rather than the baby inside of her. i was appropriately excited to be an aunt, but i figured the excitement would increase once the baby was actually here. that day came on June 18th around 3pm, and i was shocked at how little of a difference holding that newborn baby in my arms made. sure, she was precious and i reluctantly gave her up when my turn to hold her was over, but i felt that way about all new babies when i held them. i didn't cry, i didn't become a new person, and i wasn't necessarily more happy either; my sister seemed to be doing worse after the pregnancy than throughout labor. i felt like she got in a bad car accident rather than had an amazing moment in her life, and what made me almost angry was that at one point, no one seemed to care how Emily was doing because they were facing the other way making baby noises at Maddy. i almost regretted becoming an aunt because of the toll it was taking on my sister. once i realized how uncommon [at least to my knowledge] my feelings were, i tried to evaluate what was going on inside of me or lack thereof; why does Maddy still seem like a surreal concept that i am emotionally detached from? why am i frustrated and discontent? why can't i find my role as an aunt in my heart?
i'm still answering these questions, but i have generally come to the conclusion that my love for Maddy is going to grow through quality time, just like most of my love grows. also, i am pretty much positive Emily would've gone through this process for as long as she needed to in order to have had Maddy, so i can be at peace with how she is doing as well in all of this.
so that was one pretty huge development in my life. another one was the realization of how horrible i am at conflict resolution; and even deeper than that, how emotionally distant i keep myself from the people i love. i have brokenness in places that i had never realized, so i am beginning the process of a painful recovery in that area.
this next significant part of my life is something that is both humorous and serious. it helps me stay level-headed and healthy in one of the hardest areas in my life to control myself in: what do you think? men. i know i am not alone in the struggles i have had with mulling endlessly over the way a guy is acting toward me. even if i am not interested in the guy at all, i tend to analyze the guy's every move and word to try to get inside their head and figure out their intentions. it goes further than that, but this is not the time or place to be vulnerable and open about such things! anyway, with some help from the movie He's Just Not That Into You, it has dawned on me that if a guy wants to ask me out, chances are he'll ask me out. i don't agree with generalizing a personality type for all guys or all girls, and therefore don't mean to say that shy guys don't exist or aren't manly. but when it comes to the type of guy i personally am looking for, directness and a sense of drive are both important. so in my case, the right guy will most likely be the pursuing type in all areas of life, therefore fitting into the type of guy that the movie was basically talking about.
you'd think it would suck to realize that certain guys were never that interested, but it is so incredibly liberating. you can move on with your life and do your thing until a guy comes around who considers you worth the effort of pursuit. and the more i think about it, the more i would hate actually being with a guy who didn't mean what he said and had all these hidden meanings in his words like i thought he did when i was cracking the code of whether he liked me or not. i'd rather just be friends with a bunch of honest and direct guys while remaining single forever than have to put up with encrypted conversations in some dysfunctional relationship.
i'm not trying to preach about guys being the leaders and wearing the pants in relationships and what not. i am actually quite feminist about relationship/gender roles. all i am trying to shed light on is how guys generally work, and that seems to naturally involve pursuit on their part. this isn't true in every case, but for me personally, i know it will be. and that's why it's such a significant discovery for me. :)
that's all i have energy to write about with some quality for now. i hope this is turning out to be a special summer for all of you as well.
adios.
