"Child, it's only time...it will go by."

there are a lot of subjects i feel like writing about.

first of all, i think there's something to be said for heartbreakers. i speak for myself. i've hurt enough guys in my life just by being who i am and being as young as i was when i caused them pain. i've also been on the receiving end of such pain, so i know how easy it is to feel like you were just used by a manipulative a-hole. but in reality, no one in that situation knows what they want...it's the heartbreaker who simply realizes it before the other person.

and being one who is familiar with relational pain...i can't think of anything worse than knowing that i've hurt someone because i didn't know what i wanted. i left them for something i couldn't define. i had nothing concrete to show them that it was the right decision. knowing something painful is right and then having no reassurance when all is said and done accumulates to a heavy load to carry on your heart.

another subject...i haven't been truly healthy in about a week and a half's time. there's always something my body seems to be fighting off, and never do i catch my breath when tomorrow comes...not the extent that i feel necessary.

it reminds me of something a mentor of mine once said...it went along the lines of "for some reason, i was once always waiting for things to get easier." it broke me and freed me from the thought of God holding out on me, because life isn't supposed to be easy. sure, we're meant to prosper, but since when has that been a walk in the park? anyway, somehow being sickly and not even having breathing as an easy task has led me down this mental road.

also, "Be Here Now" by Ray LaMontagne is my temporary favorite song. i plan on listening to it until i am utterly sick of it.

all the best to you.

"Come quick, you Light that knows no evening."

i just got back from my first walk in awhile. i had forgotten how disoriented my body temperature gets...how frustrated my leg muscles get...how there's always that fear that some creeper is hiding out in the bushes...how my music always sounds a bit clearer and sweeter in my ears...and how i can be spending time with Him without saying a word.

tonight's album was mewithoutYou's Catch For Us the Foxes. just enough anger to keep me power-walking and just enough joy for me to be enjoying myself. it was a good walk and i needed it.

i had small group tonight and for the most part that was a good time, but after awhile i just felt like going home. sometimes i'm emotionally and mentally not up for it all.

so i guess it's time for some Lost and The Office. quite the combo.

later, folks.

SO excited!

i have been wanting to go overseas for a really long time, but every time i think of "overseas" i think of Africa. i do want to go there eventually, but not with all of my heart. and also when i think about mission trips, i think of either construction work, feeding people, playing with kids, and/or straightforward evangelism. i also would love to do all of those things, but they aren't my forte at all and i would feel like i couldn't really contribute much because i have never been good at those things. even playing with kids can be difficult for me.

but i recently realized that for the past year or so, God has really given me a significant draw to India. there is something about that place that makes my mouth go dry and my heart lighten, and at the same time i feel the hurt and the burden of its beautiful people and i ache for them. a few days ago i decided that i could not hide any longer from the fact that i need to go there and maybe stay there for awhile. so i decided further that i was going to put some real effort into finding my way there, even if it was just some trip to clean out their gutters. i would do what i could to the best of my ability and would love every minute of it.

so today i was exploring different ministries that went to India and found one called Heart of God Ministries. it stood out to me because it offered what is called "Ethnomusicology" which entails that after five months of training i could go with a church planting team, learn the musical styles of the people, and create worship songs for them. when i read that, i about died with joy! it is an opportunity to do what i LOVE to do more than anything in a place that i am already in love with! and all this time i thought that i would be doing something that i couldn't be good at or ever really impact anyone with. what a lie. God doesn't make someone good at X and call them to do Y. He doesn't give me a heart for His music and then send me off to build houses. He creates with purpose and planning and then fulfills those purposes and plans. i can't say that i feel 100% called to this particular opportunity, but it has at least opened my eyes to all the possibilities of ministry overseas, particularly in India.

all i ask is that you begin to pray for further information and guidance in all of this. i have the opportunity to change my life forever depending on my decisions in these next few months. i will be doing what i can to give Him control of it all.

well there's nothing left to say for me. except praise God.

Morning Glory.

i randomly woke up at 8:10am this morning and could do nothing to go back to sleep. i went to sleep around 2am, mind you.

i wish every morning could be this way. in fact, that's part of the reason i chose classes later in the day this semester; i wanted to enjoy my mornings. i love having so many more hours in my day and seeing shadows outside that are usually in the sunlight by the time i wake up. also, the coffee is fresh and the cheeky Good Morning America is on.

i'm starting...starting...to write my music again. i knew i was having difficulty before because i wasn't really opening up or being honest in my investment, but those were not things that i felt i could change on my own. i wish there was an Open Me switch in my heart that i could turn on and off. but alas, a person who is closed-off is usually hidden from themselves as well, and so i myself did not even know what was inside of me. if anything has shown me the mystery God has wrapped me in, it has been this journey of self-discovery. and so i suppose a better way of putting all of this would be that God has graciously and lovingly been revealing more and more of Himself to me, and in such a revelation i was only bound to discover myself as well. and therein lies my renewed motivation to create; specifically, to create music.

i was talking to my mom the other day about how, even though i ADORE my sister, i have felt the cold of her shadow as of late [which is awkward to say since she'll probably read this...hah]. i remember especially feeling it when her wedding was around the time of my first prom, and i had to pry my mom away from wedding plans to go help me pick out a dress. and she seemed to only come because Emily came along too and they could talk wedding-talk the entire time. being sixteen and self-absorbed, i was a bit perturbed. four years later and i'm feeling the same left-out feeling but without the bitterness, because even though it kind of sucks, it makes sense as to why this is the way that it is.
Emily is married, just recently moved into her first house, is now pregnant, and is starting a significant job in her life. all of those achievements took [and are still taking] hard work and allow for life-changing steps into the future. they ARE important and they ARE worth celebrating every single day. their blog is full of exciting news and updates that are totally worth reading and commenting on.
in comparison, my life up until now has been an internal journey for the most part. and that is important too, because i know that God is preparing me for a life that will take all of the mental and emotional strength that i am gaining right now. my life on the outside looks easy and healthy and consistent, but my heart has been through battles that my body could never have survived, and every smile on my face is given to me by the grace of God Himself. and so all i have to write about are things that people can't really comment on too much, and therefore pass over. my life is one yet to be visible, which can make me feel terribly lonely and lackluster and base. i don't have a husband or a house or a baby or a "real" job to live life with and through. but i hold onto the promise that God has plans of prosperity for me, and that my life can in fact be seen, even if just by His eyes for now. and so while Emily now enjoys the light and the heat of the sun, my source of heat and light comes from within, and will soon allow for the sun to stain my face just as it did for her.

hmm...what else? i've had pretty vivid dreams lately, but they're a bit too hilarious for me to take seriously. plus, i've never been one to interpret too much into dreams. God finds me in other ways.

also, over the past year now i have developed some of the deepest friendships i've ever comprehended. there are things that i do for my friends that i have only ever done with boyfriends, such as share something with someone just because i know it will make them happy, and being terribly excited to witness that happiness myself. sounds simple, but it really is a big step for me.

that is that. i love you all. go listen to some good music and learn something new about yourself.