i think it's safe to say i do my best in life to avoid hardship...i subconsciously associate it with consequential punishment for doing something wrong. you're poor? that's because you didn't prioritize enough to get a degree for a better job. your schedule is hectic? you should have paced yourself and not let things get backed up and overwhelming. your relationships are suffering? clean up your side of the street and if it's a relationship worth keeping, they will do the same.
i have all these answers to all of life's problems, it seems. why would a sensible and intelligent person ever find themselves in true difficulty, then?
HAH. if only life was a formula to figure out. but we are a people of formulas; our systems and rules and schedules are just part of the overall machine we build onto more and more to live through. we live on a planet of purple and green and orange and yet we put our best efforts into making everything red or blue or yellow. but i am getting ahead of myself.
i am coming up to some definite hard times. some of them are my own fault, but some of them truly are not in my control. school being ridiculous this next semester is my fault; i shouldn't have taken such jokes of semesters this last year and screwed myself over for the rest of my college life. i also should have made school more of a priority than Younglife. though that is my ministry through and through, i won't be able to do much with it in the long run if i never graduate or get the degree i feel called to.
but other hardships seem to have come up simply because this is what happens in life. like i said in the blog earlier, i can now say the coolest guy i've ever known is my boyfriend, and i thank God for him everyday. if he was any less perfect for me i would still be single, and that's because i had no intention of even finding interest in a guy for a few years. that was also something i thanked God for: the satisfaction i found in solitude, which most single women i know cannot say they feel. so in my satisfaction and excitement for my life, God revealed to me several things in my heart that He intended to fulfill.
one would be interning at Lost Canyon - the moment i met all the interns there, i knew it was an experience i wanted to be part of. Summer Staff was amazing and i could only imagine the life change that would come from interning. i can't assume God will definitely give me the internship, but i sent in my application as fast as i could and now wait for a response. here's the catch: i would be there from May 19th-ish to August 15th-ish with maybe one day off a week. this was part of the allure of the entire thing at first, but now having a boyfriend changes things. three months of our relationship [that will only be months old as it is] will be virtually apart from one another. i know this won't ruin what we have; it will most likely make us even stronger. but i am taking 17 credit hours this semester and Chad is now working full-time plus over-time six days a week...our current time together feels suffocated and sparing as it is. the fact that he lives 20 minutes away doesn't help either. he says he usually doesn't work in monsoon season and that's around the time i get out of school...so the moment we're both done for awhile with our hectic crap, i'll be peacing out to live three hours away. THREE MONTHS LATER, i'll be back...heyyy just in time for another crappy semester! hopefully Chad won't have to go back to the job he has now, but if he does, we'll then be just as busy as we were before the summer. it feels cruelly synchronized and makes me frustrated to even think about. why in the world would God lead me to both a distant place for so long AND lead me to a guy who i am clearly meant to be with at the same time?
and then there's India - i've wanted India in my life for so so long. i found out i could go there through Global Expeditions NEXT summer and i totally planned on doing so. i planned on the two-month trip, of course. anything less felt not worth it. now i feel like that would be too much to handle after this summer and the following semester. even though interning felt like it would be a leap of faith, i felt like i should run for it nonetheless. but this...i'm not feeling that way about this. i can see this being something that i should lay off of. my heart for India remains, and i pray that i can somehow find myself there for awhile. maybe as this approaches as something less than a year and a half away, my heart will change and the opportunity will present itself to be more intelligent. but for now, i am saddened to say i don't see it happening. once again...why would God call me away and call me here?
it may sound like i'm becoming rather dependent on Chad, and that i'm letting our relationship rule my life rather than God. that is not the case at all...i am simply acknowledging it as a gift and a tool of God's that He has a will and a plan for. i can't disregard it as i make decisions that threaten it, and i feel that way about the internship, school, Younglife, and India as well.
and so it is...hardship inevitably awaits me and has nothing to do with something i may have done wrong. this is life. this is being an adult. it will never get simpler or easier, but i trust my God enough to know that it will indeed get better.
i pray that i enter into a new level of hope and faith as my life proceeds from here on out, and that it may be seen and felt by all who come near me.
thanks for listening, friends. :)
