oh winter. :)

i think i might stay in my leggings and hoodie and headband and look like an 80s aerobic instructor all day. it's too comfortable not to.

other than that, life could only get better if i could hike! once i can do that...i'm not sure how i'll handle the joy. hah. as far as healing is concerned, i am virtually functioning like a normal person but some stuff still hurts to do and i can't be on my ankle or knee for too terribly long. all i care about is being able to walk again! and i can! God is too awesome. :)

as the fall semester of Younglife comes to a close, i'm starting to do an overall debriefing of how clubs went in my mind. we just recently had a little brainstorming time about big changes we can/should make for next semester and i'm interested to see how those play out. sometimes it feels like a code to crack or a puzzle to assemble...i feel like there is a crucial concept that we are all aware of but haven't quite harnessed or applied yet. with all that it is really easy to lose sight of my fellow leaders, the students we're reaching, and the One who's making this happen for His own glory. yeah...i need to really work on being more people-oriented than project-oriented, it seems. but i AM so proud of the work we've all put into this ministry as an offering of our best quality to Him. we've all worked so hard and He's worked so amazingly through us. :D

hmm i can't think of anything else to say except that i LOVE Christmas and i pray so hard that i'll get a job in time to buy everyone i love something, because giving people things is my favorite. :) i'd seriously do it all year long but people would get uncomfortable and awkward, unfortunately. so i wait until Christmas to shower them with things. yay. speaking of Christmas, it's coming alive in my house this very moment! all the smells and the music and the lights...i think i might have to do Zoolights this year because of how happy it always makes me. and i get to wear my jackets and scarves. YAY.

that's enough for now. time to live in the moments i write about.

ALWAYS, i love you friends!

We are sheep.

i have a lot on my mind. thoughts of philosophy, psychology, habits, fears, truth, myself, others...i have no idea where to start.

let's start with this one: no one should ever think they know the will of God beyond a shadow of a doubt. that level of pride makes me sick to my stomach. am i suggesting God does not direct our path, and in that way show us His will for our lives? no i'm not saying that at all. i'm saying that even when we think we have the clearest of revelations, the strongest of callings, the utmost of urges in any direction, we must be humble enough to realize that we are only human. it very well may be what God wants, and it very well may not be. the human body is mysterious in how it responds to the world...what you think is His message could be your own desires and state of mind working together [not to mention the enemy] to show you a message God has no intentions of fulfilling. i've seen friends' hearts broken over what they KNEW would happen that never did...they 'felt' God so much through it all and can't understand what went wrong and why He failed them, or why He told them lies about what He had planned for them.
i'm not sure how long of a rant i want this to be, so i don't know how deeply i should go in my response to this. let's start here:
- God is good
- He fulfills His will and His will alone
- we are human with complex brains and complex hearts
- we are flawed, no matter how wonderful our intentions may be
given those premises, we should always, always, ALWAYS bring our 'revelations' and 'feelings' to God Himself. i've sometimes been so utterly convinced that God would satisfy a certain desire in my heart a certain way...it came to me as 'a calling from God' and it made my heart do happy somersaults at the thought of it. even when i brought it to Him i sensed nothing calling me away from it. and in my gnawing impatience, fixation and starvation for that specific event/person, i was missing the life right in front of me He had a will for. i was so bent on 'God's will being fulfilled!' that i was blind to Him truly fulfilling my will.
put frankly, we're not big enough, smart enough, cool enough, weird enough, wise enough, or unfathomable enough to know what He's thinking and planning for us at any given moment. we're stupid people with our stupid logic and REALLY stupid thoughts and emotions. let's start owning our stupidity and hang onto Him LITERALLY for dear life. we are sheep. we will never know the intentions and wisdom of our Shepherd. we need repeated, consistent, minute-by-minute guidance that we must incessantly pray for while living in the reality of our human condition.

we are not pure enough to discern between phantom and reality. question everything.

even if our answer is that it is from Him, we are not wise enough to separate His answer to our question from what we personally believe that answer to imply about what He wants. assume nothing.

this is how Christ lived...He never assumed the Father's will. He never had a plan. His next step was only as far ahead as a footstep's length.

all i know is that if Christ was that humble, i have no excuse.

i'm on my second helping of Pride & Prejudice...it's been less than twelve hours since i last watched it. there's just NOTHING wrong with it in any aspect of a film...it is brilliant and beautiful and cleanses my soul with its quality. plus i'll probably have to read academic blahblahblah for the rest of the day for classes, so i'm indulging myself for a few hours before that marathon begins.

as far as healing goes, it's been a slow and [literally] painful process, but it is taking less and less [in terms of pills, ice, pillows, etc.] to make me comfortable. and in two days i'm seeing my doctor again to see if walking will happen soon. i might try to go to class next week anyway, at least the one that greatly involves in-class discussions that i've missed two weeks of. i've been experimenting with how much i'm physically able to do. i'll try to stand up and keep my balance, i'll do what i'm doing now which is typing with two hands, trying to use the good muscles in my left arm and not let them go to waste just because that collarbone is broken/mending/sensitive. i refuse to pretend i'm a vegetable, but at the same time i do believe there's a reason why God took my mobility away for awhile, and why i am perfectly healthy other than that. not that i actually know that reason, but i know that making the most out of this situation will fulfill that reason. that's why i'm trying to focus on school and my family [who have been SO great in being with me through all of this]. i have been given the time and the relative solitude to do so, so...i'm doing it. hahah.

that's all for now...i need to soak in some more Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth Bennet.

good day to you, sir.