she is juniper and roses, she is amethyst and pearl.

here are a few changes coming my way...some are exciting, some not so much.

Tay is moving out in four days...going back to Tennessee. she's crazy excited and feels at peace with the decision, so like a good friend i'm happy for her. but still...lame. Guffey, thank you for introducing me to fashion i never thought i'd like, and inspiring me to have fun in ways that make me look like a fool. let's keep singing together. :)


Missy's getting married in five months. yeah okay. the entire house has done their best to soak in what that means and how things will change. it hit me the most when David thanked me for a gift that i got her. it was a bathing suit. he had absolutely nothing to do with it. but he thanked me because it made her happy. SURE. it takes some processing here and there when the changing of the times surfaces in unexpected ways, but Missy is the happiest i've ever seen her, and in some aspects, this parting of ways has led to a depth in our friendship we didn't have before. Watkins, turning into a Lauck doesn't change the fact that i can take you down when you deserve it. or that we look better together. or that this will always be your fam:


here's a more exciting venture coming my way, given that everything falls into place how i wish. i may spend my summer in Europe. specifically...

London, England.

Dublin, Ireland.
and Edinburgh, Scotland.

six weeks of traveling while finishing up college? please. :) i still have to work out the practicalities and finances, but i'm putting my mind to making this happen. it's time for a little more world in my life.

time for one of the last PörchLyfe sessions before Tay leaves. shisha and incense on the screened-in patio...go!

love. :)

i open at the close.

this is a blog that may take awhile, but it needs to happen.

ladies and gentlemen, my journey through Harry Potter...


it began in fifth grade as i was browsing through the little Scholastic Book Fair pamphlet that you always get the week before the fair. typical pickin's of Captain Underpants, Junie B. Jones and calendars. then that colorful cover with an intriguing name caught my eye. i had no idea what it was or what i was getting myself into, but i had to have it. i B-lined for it at the Book Fair and my mom bought it for me. it was the only thing i got, and i began reading it that night. since i was your average ten-year-old, i made silly mistakes of thinking things like Dumbledore's name was actually "Doubledoor" and that the entire thing took place in America (how was i supposed to know where Kings Cross Station was?). it also took a friend of mine to point out details like "people were walking around in strange colorful robes and looked like they were celebrating something" and what that could mean. so i was clearly only halfway invested, initially. but right around the time of Harry getting a mysterious letter that he wasn't allowed to open, i was hooked. i fell in love with messenger owls, school castles, and broomstick games.


i begged my mom to buy the second book for me as quickly as possible, of course. this is when Harry Potter books began to conquer every window of free time i had in elementary school. TV lost its charm, sunshine seemed so pale, and my friends seemed boring in comparison to this colorful and adventurous world. i went to school, came home and read in my room, went into the kitchen for dinner, and went back into my room to read until my bedtime. i finished this one in about three days.


once i finished Chamber of Secrets, i got frustrated with my mom for not letting me get this one as quickly as i wanted it. this meaning that she didn't drive me to Walmart at 7pm to go buy it MINUTES after finishing the previous book, but made me wait until the next day. the nerve. :) long story short, this book introduced me to plot twists, legitimate scary moments, and real character development like no other book had. i'm pretty sure this was an intense weekend read, once again being the ONLY activity i did other than eating and sleeping. and so it was; i experienced the first three years of Harry Potter's life in the last few months of the fifth grade.


ahh, the Goblet of Fire. this book is particularly special to me. around this time, the Air Force was relocating us to South Carolina. i was leaving my entire life behind...five out of eleven years, at least. it was easily the hardest thing i'd ever gone through at that point in life, and i had no idea how to cope with it. at some point in the journey, however, i was informed by my mom that my Aunt Kathy had ordered the fourth Harry Potter book for me and it was being delivered to our new house. hope at last! sure enough, when we pulled up to our new abode it was sitting right on the front porch waiting for me. i started reading it in the hotel room we were staying in while we waited for our furniture to come into town. everyone else was sleeping when i read about the gardener screaming at the sight of "baby Voldemort" and being killed. i had to stop there...too scary. but i distinctly remember lying on the floor in my empty new room reading this book. it felt like my only comfort in that weird new place. for this reason, i loved that it was bigger than a Bible...it lasted me a long while.


this is the book i remember the least of, in all honesty. i don't exactly remember where/when i read it like the others...i was moving yet again around the time it came out, so maybe i read it on the way back to AZ. not sure. but i did love how real the characters were becoming to me...how Harry gets pissed off like any teenager does, and that Umbridge was a sad and pathetic person who wanted structure and organization above human compassion. romance pops up, Harry actually leaves the school for the adventure at the end (the fact that they were all right there in the school for him was getting a little silly), and a beloved character dies. while the Goblet of Fire drastically deepened the plot of the series, this book drastically deepened the character development. i loved it for that.


as far as character development goes, this book surpasses them all. good grief. i bought this as a sixteen-year-old...i'd finally caught up to Harry's age since J.K. was taking her sweet time publishing them. :) i truly believe this book deepened my calling to psychology, because i ate up the chapters on memories of Voldemort's past and family history like they were a Thanksgiving feast. words can't describe how incredibly crucial it was/is to see that Voldemort is sick and twisted...a good thing gone wrong rather than created from an inherently bad substance. i loved how film-version of Dumbledore put it...Voldemort was a boy who made all the wrong choices. his past set him up for failure, but he walked the trail himself, even when great wizards like Dumbledore were willing to guide him into the light. i loved the truth in this book. i always love finding true characters in fantasy. also, this book lasted maybe two weeks, the last night continuing on until the sun rose. there comes to a point where you physically cannot take your eyes off of the book. a reader's high, if you will. :P needless to say, i was out of my mind excited for the seventh and final book to come into my life.


i pre-ordered this book a few months before its release date. though it was being released on a Saturday, FedEx assured me via their website that they were indeed going to have it delivered in the day it came out rather than on the Monday following. darn straight they were. i received it over the summer a few days before we vacationed to Mexico. i clearly did not mind the drive there. :) though it was not the only thing i did (since that would be rude), it took up a whole lot of sleeping time for me. i would read until i started passing out on myself and would then call it quits. i finished the book in four nights, the last night being around 2am, and i cried myself to sleep. i was eighteen. an adult. i felt like Harry Potter represented my childhood that was coming to a close, but would always be in my heart (and on paper) when i wanted to get lost in another world for awhile. the ending was beautiful and perfect. and it was time for it, in my life and in Harry's life. time to face the real, boring, grown-up world where you have to find your own adventures and find your own color. Harry Potter ended with the simple sentence of "All was well." i knew my life would end with that sentence too.


am i being melodramatic about a fiction fantasy series? i call it ascribing meaning. :P i feel like God uses little pictures like this one to teach me about overarching truths. Harry Potter is a book series that greatly influenced my childhood and is therefore worth remembering, just like childhood itself. Harry's journey through discovering deeper and more complex forms of magic over time paralleled my discoveries of deeper and more complex ways of looking at life. Harry facing death over and over again in more penetrating ways as time progressed paralleled pain coming into my life over and over in deeper ways. we grew up together. and i hope to keep my books in a good enough condition to be able to hand them down to my kids when it's time for them to start growing up too.

that's all. :)

a cripple at Your table, a cripple by Your side.

i am currently staying the night at Blair's parents' house with a few roomies...holding down the fort until they return to their humble abode. not sure what holding down the fort actually entails, since all they have is a self-maintaining cat. but the house is large and a fun change of scenery, so i'll take it.

you ever notice how you don't really feel your heart pounding in the moment of crazy energy...it's afterward when you're lying flat on your back exhausted that you really start to feel it? that's how i'm viewing my life right now in a few ways. like i've run around and around with the single goal of feeling/knowing my heart, and once i collapse in fatigue and disappointment, there it is...pounding like crazy and making itself known.

it reminds me of what i'm learning about in my Religions class...about how God had Adam name all the animals. God didn't need to go through that process to figure out that Adam needed a partner of his own not created yet. the process was for Adam to understand this. God took him through a tour physically, mentally, and perhaps emotionally, of his surroundings and options. Adam distinguished the animals from one another and from himself, understanding step by step that he still hadn't found what he was looking for (oh U2...). once the task was completed, he understood fully that he was alone, that it was not good, and that he needed a helper. i think that must have deepened his love for Eve once he met her...comprehending her importance and her preciousness in his life.

i'm starting to understand that God uses that method of teaching in my life a lot...cracking a door open for me to see my options inside, but in the end pulling me away with the knowledge that what lies behind it is not for me. it's frustrating, heartbreaking, and exhausting, but the end result is an overwhelming satisfaction for what He reveals as His true will for me. now, being only 21 entails not a whole lot of "final conclusions" of His being revealed yet, but i am so thankful that He is opening my eyes to this process. i am so thankful that He allows me to feel my heart beating once i finally stop emotionally running around like a maniac...i am learning that it is known and felt the most when i have calmed and quieted my soul.

1am. it is time.

sweet dreams my reader friends.

but a certain sign of grace is this...

thank you all for giving me such encouraging feedback on my previous blog. it took hours to write and literally all of my strength, but God is blessing me with some insight into what He's doing with it. thank you for your kind words in helping with that insight.

life has been completely and utterly spectacular.

it's like God is speeding up time and growing me up/out by the hour. i'm more attune to the things that truly resound with my spirit and less so with the things i've always sorta kept around for no reason.

i'm a nut-case, and it surprises me that that surprises people. it also makes me sad. WHYYYY can't i show that side of me more? i think it may be a focus thing...i have too much focus. when i'm at leader meetings, it's all about THE MISSION and OUR PURPOSE and THE PLAN. at work it's I NEED TO GO FASTER and HAVE A GOOD ATTITUDE and LEARN HOW TO HELP MORE. at school it's APPLY THIS TO YOUR LIFE and STUDY THIS THE RIGHT WAY and MAKE GOOD GRADES.

the only place i feel like i am free of imposed purpose is my house. hence the ridiculousness such as this [hope it works!]:

http://www.facebook.com/#!/profile.php?id=100001574580106&v=wall&story_fbid=440121571359

i feel the moment i step through that front door that i am unconditionally wanted and accepted. i have been through every mood on the planet with these people and they still want me around with no complaints or desires of change.

and if you knew how LITTLE i was paying for rent, your brain would implode. :)

this is part of the growing process; learning who/what will stick around as the seasons of my life change. i'm starting to catch the patterns in their character, how i feel when i am with them, and what God does with them.

who can be talking about something in their life and have that inspire me to want Jesus more?

who can show THEIR mood spectrum in full and still be instinctively lovable to me?

who am i myself around without even thinking, because they bring it out in me on their own?

i've found a few of these precious friendships, and precious they are indeed. and though i am in no way pursuing romance at the moment, this song makes me smile when i ask those questions to myself. i hope that one day i'll be able and willing to sing this song to someone...



hmmm what else. well, a lot else. but not for now! :P

love you all. over and out.

"Servant and King, rescued the world...this is our God."

here's some news coming straight to you. no grapevines, no inferences, no secrets needed. because i don't want any chapter of my life to be treated like it never happened and we should just forget about it and move on. this deserves the spotlight for now, so i'll let it have that.

Chad and I have mutually decided to go our separate ways.

the word 'mutual' was true to its definition...we talked for four hours in his room, and when i left he hugged me goodbye and asked that i text him when i got home to make sure i got home safe. we both said how we felt, we both cried, and somehow we both fit a few silly comments into the conversation as well, making each other smile.

here's the honest truth: the wound is still bleeding. and at least for me, you can see that in how i have a constant flow of water coming out of my eyes. it reminds me of when i got a stomach virus that made me throw up whenever i moved or consumed anything, even when i didn't have anything in my body to throw up...at this point i think i'm working off of reserve water storage in my body because the crying never ends.

here's the honest truth: this is the hardest break-up i've ever had to go through, because i am healthier than i have ever been as a person. it literally took me a year to rightfully grieve my first serious relationship because i was under the emotionally-distanced impression that if it didn't work out then it's not worth remembering. my second serious relationship had a little less grieving, because the situation surrounding it distracted me from doing so. that one took close to three years to get to me as well. but this one...this ending of a relationship with one of my coolest friends...met me right in the moment, and i had no choice but to live in the reality of the next step we were choosing together. i looked around his room and realized i would probably never see it again. i noticed things about it that i'd never really thought about before. when i left, i had the few things that he'd borrowed from me, like my brother's video games and my Pride & Prejudice sheet music. i'll never spend time with his family in the same way again, and i won't be going to California for Christmas with them. our last kiss was a small peck on the lips four days ago while i was leaving and he was falling asleep in his room. our little inside jokes will probably never be brought up again, either because it's too soon or we will forget them. all of these things and more met me in our conversation, and i knew i was saying goodbye to more than just a relationship status. i was saying goodbye to a present and future life.

here's the honest truth: this is the right decision. not because Chad was a crappy boyfriend or because i was a crappy girlfriend. not because either of us have someone else in mind. not because we don't love each other. it comes down to the fact that who we were made to be by God as people are not fully expressed or brought out when we're together, and we both feel the need to be slightly different persons in order to make each other truly happy with the relationship. it's because in nine months of being together, neither of us were sure beyond a shadow of a doubt that we were in love. i'm being outright with you/the world because those feelings are not wrong or shameful to have. they are the aftermath of a genuine and raw relationship between human beings who love God more than themselves and each another, and will follow His voice wherever that leads. and His voice led both of our hearts to this decision.

here's the honest truth: Chad made no mistake choosing me, or i him. God has done wonders inside of me through us. He taught me how to forgive, to wait, and to rely on Him more than my flesh, just to name a few. maybe He taught others something through us as well. neither of us feel that we wasted the last nine months of our lives with each other. they were good, and we gave them to God, and He used them. this is just another path for both of us to take now. so i will take up the few things i own in this world, with all the things being with Chad has taught me, and i will begin the journey forward.


here's the honest truth: we will be okay. not only that, we will be wonderful and satisfied at the end of our days. because God has prosperous plans for us, not meant to harm. i know with everything inside of me that Chad was in no way dependent on me for his relationship with God, and i'm sure he knows the same goes for me. though i have seen faiths crash and burn when the storms hit, i know Chad's heart to be fortified with the truth that Christ's footsteps are the only ones worth following, and he will not fall away from their path. nor shall i.

here's the honest truth: if you haven't caught on already, i am flat-on-my-back in love with Jesus. He is all that keeps me from becoming undone. He brings me to life. He turns my heart of cold stone into a hot pulsing muscle that has a significant purpose, that feels what must be felt even when i can barely breathe from the pain. He makes me beautiful. He puts nothing to waste. He redeems the violent, the cruel, the wretched. He calls the silent to speak, the shy to sing, the somber to dance. He calls everything inside of me to come forth, to be free, to either be pruned or to be used.

here's the honest truth: i am devastated by my circumstances.

here's the honest truth: i am rejoicing with joy in the Truth that transcends my circumstances.

that's all i can handle right now. i think i need to have some alone time with Him on a mountain top for awhile.

i love you all. thank you for sharing your lives with me.

life's like this.

no really, in junior high and some of high school i truly thought life was like this. or should be like this.



living the dream, i truly thought she was.

life was about breaking the rules that old cautious farts made up to stay comfortable.

life was about wearing whatever i wanted to wear, and for a long while, it distinctly resembled Avril Lavigne's tomboy skater apparel.

life was about doing what i wanted.

thankfully for me, what i wanted to do wasn't all that dangerous or immoral. but the point is this: life was about shaking up the world and laughing at the horror/shock/appalled looks on their faces at the mere thought of such a change.

i hear that desire in teens' words to this day. they want change. they want adventure. they want action and emotion and satisfaction from this life, and they refuse to wait for it. so they vandalize property and throw candy at people in theaters. so they dramatize their lives and talk behind each others' backs. so they idolize sex and assume that it determines all things because it is the ultimate source of physical and emotional pleasure.

they do their best to make their lives meaningful in a way that makes sense to them.

i totally get that.

but those are all very wrong fuels for a very right flame.

all i know is that i serve an adventurous, missionary, purposeful, and satisfying God who calls for a lifestyle of change.

and i know, with everything that i am, that life should be like this:



i highly doubt sex is that awesome.

bedtime.

God's uncomfortable calling.

i'm getting stir-crazy a lot lately.

i'll be sitting somewhere and think "i need to do something! i need...i need...i need to go somewhere! i need...i need...i need to live my life and get things rolling!"

then i usually clean or contemplate ways i can live a more recreational life (buying a bike, hiking more, rock climbing, eating better, etc) and imagine myself doing things that i think are cool, like traveling and getting my hands dirty in something that makes a difference.

but i feel like God is calling me to something specific. something soon.

the first thing i think of is my music. i've been working a little more on it but i always find reasons to put it off. "oh i can't, my roommates will get annoyed," when in reality they say they all get quiet and listen whenever they hear me playing my guitar and singing with the door shut, AND Missy always makes a point of being wherever i'm going to be doing worship. "well, i don't have some huge message that i feel the need to share with the world through music," that's the stupidest one of all. are you kidding? you don't have anything to say or give to a hurting, dying, festering, suffocating world? you're an idiot (i can get a little rude with myself). "i'm not good enough...i'm not talented enough to deserve people listening to me," this is the one that gets me the most. what if i put everything i've got into something that people breeze on by? they might thing it's nice or creative for a few seconds, but in the end i haven't made a dent in anything or anyone. here's the real fear: fear of failure. here's the real lacking: lacking in trusting the sovereignty of God's will.

one thing that has resounded with me the most from going to Pure Heart is Pastor Dan saying, "we're not called to win, but we're called to die trying."

ouch.

but a good ouch. a healthy ouch. a God ouch.

i know i was made for this. i know it. i know God created me shy and introverted in order to push me into the spotlight with a microphone, because i would only be willing to do so with the right intentions. it could only be for His will.

and with that, i'm off to write.

i'll try to blog again soon. :)

oh hey!

i have had ZERO time to blog this entire summer. even now i could be doing homework that is due by the end of the week. blahhhhh.

it's been a time of crazy growth. i feel like i'm a "growing-up"...not quite grown though. :P i've had huge leaps forward in boundaries, communication, overall relationships, and who i am in the midst of all that. here are a few things that have been affirmed about myself [and not always in pleasant ways]:

i am creative in everything that i do. it is very difficult for me to enter into a system of doing things and not try to add my own spin to it. i love structure and consistency, but i always find myself expanding on structural foundations and trying to make what is in front of me something bigger and better than it was yesterday.

i am a natural leader. i take things upon myself to achieve, quite literally without thinking about it. this also goes along with my creativity...i can't help but want to put a little "me" in what i do and in what i participate in. i can't thank God enough for giving me THE best leadership team in probably the entire valley to express this in. i never thought i'd say it, but...

i love working as a team. i love the give-and-take, the honest feedback, and the hard work that produces something for the bettering of the world in some way. i have Younglife as a whole to thank for this. the last two years of leading in several types of teams along with Summer Staff for a month showed me that this is how we were made to live in everything that we do. even romance is a team effort man.

i am out of control. this doesn't mean i have ADHD. i probably have one of THE steadiest levels of energy known to man, haha. this means that my ideas know no bounds, and combined with my creativity and developing leadership skills, i can get somewhat unstoppable when i have a distinct vision in my mind. despite my last name, i can be a serious fighter if i need to be for what i believe needs to happen.

disrespect severely pisses me off. this sucks because life is full of "get over it" moments that MUST be handled correctly if i want to be Christ-like in all that i do. because even Jesus was disrespected. you just can't get around it.

hmm anything else? yes, a lot more else. but it is late and i need to sleep if tomorrow's goals are to be accomplished. sorry it's been so long, friendlies. until next time...

Katelyn's Favorite Things

here are a few things that have made me all girlishly happy as of late. :)

Bath and Body Works Aromatherapy line... specifically the Stress Relief scent. i'd use it for body wash if i could.

Yankee candles...i LOVE how they come in different shapes and sizes and then last forever.

Etsy can be addicting for some online window shopping...people are so creative and cute!

since a natural tanning session would give me tomato-red skin and probably cancer [yay crappy skin genes], i have no choice but to use the fake stuff. Xen is supposed to be awesome though and i can't wait to afford it. :P

french lace...i am DETERMINED to have my future wedding dress completely covered in it. even if that means making it myself! which could be both really stressful and crazy fun.

vinyl wall decals. they're either awesome or a disaster. i may try them out one day...

jars. don't ask. i just love them.

i want one i want one i want one i want one i want one!

William Blake's Agony in the Garden...i love both this specific painting and the fact that i'm taking Art History over the summer. i get to learn what makes art so valuable and precious. yay.

that's all for now...someone tell me how to post pictures on my blog so that the entire picture is showing. blahhh.

time to Sunday it up. see yaaaaa.

i don't want to make You small.

a few recent turn of events had me crying in my room earlier today, and i wasn't sure what the big deal was. yeah, i didn't get the internship at Lost Canyon for the summer. yeah, my new job kept me from going on the Colorado trip this week. why the tears?

then the "oh i get it" moment arrived...

i am angry/terrified at the thought of God's will for my life being boring, not as beautiful as i want it to be, and/or lacking in significance.

so dumb. but alas, emotions are emotions and they need to come out.

so we talked about it, me and Jesus. i gave Him every example i could think of as to how my life could be everything both of us want it to be, and then all the examples i could think of that could potentially get in the way of that. i visualized myself living a stagnant life and realizing too late that i'd done nothing useful with it. i visualized myself getting trapped in the stuff every American deals with...eating like crap, going into debt, creating a dysfunctional marriage and family.

i would rather live alone in the woods my entire life than end up with a life like that.

then another "oh i get it" moment came [thanks Jesus]...

life never just "ends up" a certain way, and nothing is wasted of it. my God is a God of purpose, and i have been invited into that on the foundation of faith.

the thing about faith is that it's hard to have even when it's invested in the Master of the universe...and we're called to also have faith in one another.

logical/cold/rational Katelyn inside me gives a big "BAHAHAHA GOOD LUCK WITH THAT" at that one. she has seen the long, dark, painful road of all sorts of "teamwork" and would rather not end up with other people's problems on her hands.

then Jesus gives me that distinct Jesus look and i realize that that's exactly what he did for the world. gahhhhhh i can't even GRASP that.

anyway.

i showed Jesus the kind of life i wanted. i used assumptions and inferences to determine its awesomeness for my life and did my best to convince Jesus of it. this isn't the first time i've tried to do this. "Jesus, do you SEE what's in front of me right now?!?! are you missing this?!?! why isn't this thing in my life the way i want it to be?!" and he calms me down and says "yeah i see it. in fact i see it alongside plenty of other things you don't have the eyes to see just yet. trust me...move along." and after much pouting and stomping, i do. am i a seven-year-old walking past store windows and wanting everything i see inside? guilty.

well knowing Who's in charge, i trust that my life will be exciting, beautiful, and significant in ways that i can't fathom yet. those ways will most likely never be on my own terms or grounds, and i'll probably have to LEARN how to enjoy them rather than effortlessly loving them.

because that's life. that's walking with God. that's growing, and i hope to grow up until i die.

needless to say, JJ Heller's "Small" is my song for the day. go see what it does for you.

night loves.

roots and wings please??

at first i thought i didn't really have anything to write about, but then WHOAAA thought after thought flooded my mind and i decided it was blogging time for some of them. maybe all of them. we'll see how far i get until i'm asleep...

i spent the weekend in California with Chad and his family, and it was so much fun! not in a "fairly tolerable, if i dare say" sort of way [compliments to Mr. Darcy for the wonderful quote], but in a real enjoyable way that brought me closer to both Chad and his family. i saw the ways he and his dad are similar in their carefree and goofy [yet entirely aware and competent] lifestyles and the way his mom is both strong and sensitive toward those around her. plus i got to meet the entirety of his dad's side of the family and they're all awesome in their own ways. i feel like i could have a great and intellectual conversation with his cousin Drew, laugh my heart out with his uncle Troy or have a ridiculous girls night with his mom and aunts. it was such a blessing being invited into a family's rare everyone-together experiences like that and i'll be forever thankful for it. :)

we got to go to the beach for a little bit on Saturday, and i felt so incredibly at home. the smell, the everlasting salty breeze, the constant echo of the waves on the soft sand...i could spend forever in that moment. i grew up on the east coast beaches, but the west coast has its own special place in my heart too.

and with that, i progress into my next subject...i am incredibly torn when it comes to the type of place i want to grow up in or raise my children in. there's the Southeast, the Southwest, and the Northwest that specifically call out to me.

the Southeast...or should i say the South...is my emotional-childhood home. the humidity and the front porches and the lazy accents make up my sanctuary. one of my favorite things to do is to visit my family there and go back to where i came from. things don't change much there, and i love it that way. it's safe that way.

then there's the Southwest, which is my physical-childhood home. i went to elementary school and high school [and now college] here. sometimes it feels like the perfect home to have...almost any type of American landscape and weather is within a six-hour drive. Phoenix offers the perks of a fast-paced and competitive city while its suburbs stay fairly quiet and comfortable. it's pretty moderate when it comes to the distribution of political views...no one's voice is stifled. the summers can feel like death but that just leads to more water park weekends and pool parties. you never feel like you're missing out on life. that's not even mentioning Colorado and its staggering beauty and glory.

and then there's the Northwest, which is the area my soul truly does resonate with. the grey and rainy skies keep the coffee shops nice and toasty and the musicians contemplative in their song-writing. though fairly liberal, its occupants challenge the mind and free the spirit through leading by example..."Keep Portland Weird" is a great bumper sticker to describe what i mean by this. the clothes, the music, the weather, the culture...it's me to the Nth degree. if i moved there i'd be tempted to never come back.

i want a beach house in California...a cabin in Flagstaff...an apartment in Seattle...a three-bedroom house in Phoenix and a beach house/cabin combo in Florida or the Carolinas. i want it all. and that's just America...i want to be in Northern Europe with a hint of everything else as well. i want the world to be my house.

i know God intends to have me settle down...everything points to it. but where? where it's safe? where it's fun and lively? where it's beautiful? where i feel like everyone else is like me? where i can find a job or a house? where my husband wants to go? where my family is?

sometimes i feel like my heart's too big. it has too many aspects of desire and love. oh and also, this is where synesthesia sucks, because every place has its colors and i have to live with not only the place but those colors as well for the rest of my life. what if i don't want orange around that long? what if blue gets too mundane?

this is probably the most selfish blog of all time, and i am fully aware that any decision i make like this one once i get married will be a team effort and two-person conclusion. but it's still a trip to think about how much i love and want for a home. i'm not one to assume "oh i'll just stay here" and make it happen. yeah right. i couldn't be like that even if i tried.

but i know Who's in charge at the end of the day, so i'll take His cues and go from there.

hmmm what else...oh yeah. my sister wrote a blog about sex and it was really great. she made a joke about the fact that not many people have waited until marriage for it [which was in no way judgemental], and it made me think about the fact that i live in one of the rarest houses i've ever heard of. first of all, a house full of five unmarried girls in their twenties would be an abomination less than a century ago. second of all, the fact that the majority of us have genuinely loved Jesus 85% of our lives and have not had sex [with plenty of opportunities, since we're not ogres] makes us even more of a conundrum. take tonight for example...four of us spent the summer night together in a candlelit backyard, with the Village soundtrack playing, and with hookah and beer. i can hardly name five other people i know of who'd naturally do all of those things at the same time, to a responsible extent, and then also love Jesus with us. we're the girls who love action movies just as much as romantic comedies, who listen to Blindside and Iron & Wine and Kelly Clarkson all in the same playlist, who wear dangly earrings and chucks, and who have a serious affinity for colors and movie soundtracks. we are the irony and humor of God Himself in female form to challenge the way society thinks. welcome. two of us are still single and we're goin' by fast. :P

i think i'll hate myself if i don't try to sleep at this point. sweet dreams America.

an eclectic assortment of words.

i guess i have enough thoughts for a blog.

i think the thing about dying that makes life look so beautiful is the absence of chronology in your memories...all you think of are the laughs, the smiles, the heart flutters you've had in one big mess of recollections. suddenly the layers collide into a masterpiece of depth and feeling that surpass the difficult and the painful times. in fact, the tapestry is even more beautiful with the darker shades to accentuate the light.

it all makes sense, it's all understandable...it was all okay all along.

you don't have to be dying to see life this way. that's an extreme example. i know there have been experiences and circumstances that felt like bamboo chutes under my fingernails the entire time and had me before God everyday with a "what the hell are You doing?!" type of expression on my face. but now that they've passed, i can look back on most of them and think "you know...it had its beauty" and be satisfied with the fact that it happened. not wishing for it to return, but happy that i got the chance to experience it.

maybe that's what it means to live life with no regrets...respecting the past for what it is and not dwelling on the fact that the present and the future are going to look different now. i am learning to trust God not only with each stage of my life, but also how and when the transitions between stages come to pass. and also my state of mind in the midst of it all.

on a slightly different note, i'm learning what it means to live like Jesus without actually trying to be Jesus. Jesus, who can be everything to everyone, both a Rock and alive, both human and divine, both grace and justice, both servant and shepherd. nice.

it's like we're all ants and God is an adult person. He becomes an ant and sees that we have puny brains and only know how to use five words for communication. so He uses those words as best as He can to portray meaning and purpose that transcend those five simple words beyond imagination. then tells us to follow Him.

so do we hang on to those five words we understand? do we imitate and preach those five words with all that is inside of us? or are we called to seek that transcending meaning and purpose somehow...reach past those words? reach past our puny brain? are we ants called to a human's comprehension?

i just know that i'm coming up against situations that Jesus could handle and i can't. Jesus could be that shoulder to cry on when mine would shatter under the pressure. Jesus can love without defenses and defend without walls. Jesus can be her way, can be his truth, can be their life. i know what Jesus can do and would do. He uses words my ant brain can't fathom. but what am i to do with Him inside of me? i am still an ant. i still have limits. i am still both mortal and flawed. i can't handle all of who He is.

unless i can, somehow.

like i said, i'm learning.

on another different and much lighter note! i recommend this adorable movie:

i saw it in IMAX 3D with my friends for part of my 21st birthday celebration and it made me very happy inside. it's another one of those kids movies that has enough humor to be for an older audience as well. watch it if you want some cheering up. :)

and yes, i DID drink on my big 2-1 extravaganza. a WHOLE beer! hahah i would've [responsibly] had more, but Yardhouse is quite expensive [$6.25 a beer?! i'm sorry?!?!] and i'd only gotten about six hours of sleep the night before, making me tired to begin with and then even more relaxed with food and beer. my friends were tired too, so i decided i'd wait for a more convenient time to really do my taste testing and alcohol education. :P overall, it was a very fun/funny/happy/silly time with my dearest of friends. score for me.

alright it's bed time. until we meet again...

soul on fire.

i think i'm going to coin the phrase mental hypothermia. here's how it goes...

in a healthy mental state, there are many things that acquire differing ranges of awareness, the basic thoughts being the foundation of the more complex thoughts. knowing your school is paid for allows for more concentration on homework. knowing God loves you allows for more concentration on how to grow and walk with Him. knowing you are healthy and alive allows for concentration on the daily tasks that accumulate a life.

mental hypothermia would be the case when one or more of those simple thoughts or truths falls through or shifts, leading to concentration more on the simple thoughts than the complex and detailed thoughts. the more this happens, the less mental activity is evenly distributed. eventually you are mentally immobile from the founding thoughts of what is true or what is real. it is all you have the capacity to think about. it is mental survival mode.

yeah, welcome. if my brain were a body, my fingers and toes would be way past numb at this point and my limbs are on their way as well. i contract all of my thoughts into my core to keep the little warmth i have left, the truth that is my only comfort and anchor. little else is possible to focus on. little else matters. my mind is in the fetal position and the deafness of bloodless ears is setting in. everything drowns out. all my blood, all my focus, is in the core.

and that's not a great place to be in as a student, an employee, a daughter, a sister, a girlfriend, and a leader of a major club all at once. not a great place at all.

i don't want to live in survival mode. survival is not life. i want to face the cold of this world and be warmed from within...enough to withstand and outlast these blizzards. i want a soul on fire.

i pray hard for a spark.

"because the struggles of this world are blistering."

the title of this blog is the chorus of a song by Dead Poetic...a band among others that never ceases to keep me anchored to memories. and days like today will add to those memories.

it reminds me of the concept of a heart with a sunburn...a blistering sunburn, thanks to life. it's a cry to God for some relief, some rebirth, some revolution.

i am so tired.

i am SO tired.

of so many things.

i would love to have zero connections in this world and keep all of my pain and flaws and potential destruction to myself. and selfishly, also so that others' problems don't effect me either. because i am so incredibly tired.

that's not just figuratively, either. i'm prone to anemia and was anemic for awhile until my mom realized i was sleeping ten hours a night and also taking naps during the day. i take a vitamin with iron everyday for it, but still...i'm never quite as energized as those around me.

that may seem like a random fact to share, but it really hasn't helped with everything happening in my life right now. i see and hear and feel walls crashing all around me...all i want to do is sleep. in a world of pain and hard times, my bed is soft. in a life that has conflicting needs and wants and desires, i am allowed to need and want sleep.

left and right i feel like holding people close, screaming at them, firing them from my life, feeling so grateful for them and then hating them. HATING them. and hate is not a healthy feeling. i'm just all over the place. my relationships keep me lifted up and weighed down all at once.

i hope no one takes this blog personally. this is clearly an issue of mine and not yours. and it's time to hang out with God and talk about it a little more.

love you all. really.

"bleed one more time for me

because my heart is filled with loneliness

and this world is filled with loneliness

bleed one more time for me

because the struggles of this world are blistering"

bits and pieces of progress.

i guess there's a lot i could write for an update in here!

first of all...it finally happened people...i got a job. :) i now work with my roommate Blair in a cardiologist's office. she and two other girls do medical billing and my main job is filing...sounds easy, but when you're dealing with around 45 different types of documents [which differ in format depending on who/when they are from], the job gets tedious and slow. but i honestly love it so far! it's amazing not being in retail anymore...no customers, no rushes, no weekends, no SALES...it's just me and my job that i'm allowed to do with my iPod and coffee. yes. thank you God for the best job i could've asked for at this point in my life.

as many of you already know, my parents are getting divorced. the process began during my spring break [haha] and is just doing its thing still. don't tell me you're sorry...because i'm honestly not. i don't think anyone who knows the situation is. there's a lot that goes into it, so i also ask you not to look at the situation as a stranger and decide what you think about it. would you believe me if i told you God set it up to be possible?

i'm definitely changing my major from Bachelor's in Science to Bachelor's in Arts for Psychology. i know i will never want to do research and that's what the science degree is for...if i do anything with Psych, it would be counseling. so yeah that will hopefully help me like school again and feel like i'm actually learning something for what i'm interested in doing. i'm fine with doing hard work as long as it's leading toward the goal i want in the long run. now i just have to meet with an advisor...

i need to clean my room. it's making me sad right now.

enjoy the day!

"Everything Was Beautiful and Nothing Hurt"

seems like i either have twenty people read a post of mine or no one at all. odd.

this one may not make sense. i feel like expressing a few things that i don't feel like actually explaining. love me through it.

five or six years ago marks the era in which my spirit and soul felt hospitalized, like i couldn't move without pain or overwhelming weakness. it was all i could do to push and pull air through my lungs over and over. i had no external drive to live except for the natural instincts of my body to survive. sometimes i even prayed that if God had some sort of quota to meet for giving people cancer, let it be me since i wouldn't miss a world like this anyway. i didn't want to fight the sensation that i was slowly and inevitibly drowning. depression? if we're being overly simple and vague, sure i was depressed.

then it was as if God gave me pure oxygen to breathe, in the form of His warmth and love and company. everything was beautiful and nothing hurt. love burned inside of me and the walls of my heart were etched with words and truth that remain there today, a few embers refusing to die. my "morphine" was an adventure that consumed my thoughts and time and energy and took my mind off the pain and the indifference i felt if i was left alone with my thoughts. i felt alive. so incredibly alive. and so incredibly sure of myself as well. i was healing.

but as time went by i was less and less effected by the [figurative] drug. it didn't feel real. it felt stagnant and supressing. i felt like it was holding me down from a real life. a better life. so i quit cold turkey. i was discharged from the hospital my soul was in and was sent out into the unknown. and for awhile i was excited and at peace.

for awhile. for a year.

then i started realizing how mediocre the mixture of gases i breathed felt. i missed the pure oxygen. and i also started realizing how uneventful my body's natural balance of chemicals in my body felt. i missed the morphine, even when there was no pain like before. all on my own, even with Him by my side, i felt like less of a person than i did when my heart was in that hospital room. my black and white had faded to grey...darkening so many whites in my life. my fluttering heart flatlined...seeming to be utterly useless and faulty. words can't describe how incomprehensibly remorseful and stupid and arrogant i felt for ever leaving that hospital bed or giving up on that adventure. i may as well have internally died. i was now a walking shell with nothing inside. where before i felt so much pain, i now felt nothing.

but a few things here and there brought about a heartbeat inside of me. not all was lost. different adventures offered themselves and i explored a few and thoroughly enjoyed them. i still am. i am still pushing and pulling air through my lungs...i am still alive. and i have found ways to make myself useful while i'm here.

is it wrong to be dissatisfied with a healthy and steady heartbeat? is it pretentious to look past the warm blessings right in front of me in the sunlight and lose myself in the fire that burned me so much deeper when i was in the cold and dark? can there be no fire where there is also sun?

can i not be healthiest and happiest i could ever imagine being simultaneously? do i need the hospital for the happiness? do i need the mediocrity for the health?

maybe i'm asking to have my cake and eat it too. maybe i'm asking for ice cream in a world that also requires some bitter tastes in my mouth for health. maybe i really can't have both.

maybe i dream of Heaven already.

all i know is that the air keeps coming. i must keep breathing.

and for now, i must also sleep.

sweet dreams.

farewell.

well, it happened.

four albums, three EPs and a few projects here and there later, one of the most talented and loved bands i have ever had the pleasure of listening to is breaking up.

Copeland.

my blood's musical saline when i feel weak, my ears' salve when they've been burned with lesser noise, my spirit's meadow of wild grass i've run through so many times with God.

this band has truly changed my life. they taught me about love, life, pain, hope, and faith at a time in my life when so many other things could have infected my soul for the worse. one verse into the first song of their's i ever heard and i was hooked, and have been so for seven years. seven long and happy years.

farewell, my most beloved group of musicians. never stop loving music.

i dedicate your own song to you:

"no weapon formed against me shall remain."

i can be a pretty intense person...if i'm given a hypothetical scenario or question, i think through it thoroughly and imagine every possible outcome or happenstance. including natural disasters destroying it all. :P kidding.

this intensity gains momentum when i'm given a real-life scenario, such as Younglife club. i think that's why i've been asked to be so involved in that weekly process...i think about it like crazy. but this intensity and momentum can be toxic when i'm given a difficult circumstance to overcome, because i cannot fully get over it until i've explored it thoroughly. i can't forgive it until i know all of what i'm forgiving.

sometimes it feels like too big of a mountain to climb. i think "oh, it looked smaller when it was mentioned way back then." "oh, i didn't realize there would be caves and nooks all over it that i'd have to venture into as well." "i wouldn't have to do this with someone different." "how can a person have truly separated themselves from something like this? it's HUGE!!"

sometimes i feel like that person is miles ahead of me, waiting for me to catch up and wondering what's taking me so long. "just GET OVER IT as quickly as possible for everyone's sakes. there's no reason to dwell and stay there longer than you have to." that's not a direct quote, but that's the general vibe i get.

then i feel like getting crazy bitter. "it's YOUR FAULT i'm here in the first place!!" "do you see this place? do you see how messed up it is? how can YOU have forgiven yourself of all of this if you think it's so incredibly easy for me to do so??" "feel free to find some crazy forgiveness ATHLETE who can jog this thing as quickly and shallowly as you clearly prefer, and i'll leave. sorry for wasting your time."

enter: Jesus

hahahahahahahah. i'm messed up. i just laugh at myself.

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death.

Romans 8:1

For those whom He foreknew He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom He predestined He also called, and those whom He called He also justified, and those whom He justified He also glorified.

Romans 8:29-30

He can move the mountains, and He did. He was there when this person was building this particular one, dirt pile after dirt pile, year after year. He was there when this person dug out those caves and nooks to hide even more so from Him. and He was there to destroy it when this person's heart for Him could not be dammed anymore. He released the floodgates of His love and created a new life on the foundation of justice and glory, which He had predestined and called from the very beginning.

that's why this person wonders why i'm wandering around on this mountain that doesn't exist anymore. they may have some scars and stories from it, proving that it did exist at one point, but all that's left are rocks and dust that the wind has swept away, only to be learned from for the better.

like i said, i can be a pretty intense person. you tell me there was a mountain, i'll form it in my mind and take a tour until i know it fully. God has used this metasystem of thoughts for His glory, but it is not appropriate in every single situation. it is not appropriate when i am meant to trust His judgment and forgiveness on a mountain that He knows fully. it is not appropriate when the person i see in front of me now has virtually no mountains in their way and no intention of ever making one again; when the person i see in front of me has been set free and made new.

this had been eating away at me, emotionally draining me and distancing me from those whom God has powerfully placed in my life.

but if i fight back, not with my own understanding but with the sword of His Word, no weapon formed against me shall remain.

God is my victory.

mm.

a profoundly new chapter of my life is beginning.

i assume it's with the same bittersweetness that a person has when they have an arm or a leg surgically amputated. keeping it would've eventually led to death, and it could no longer add to their quality of life [only lessen it], but losing it feels instinctively wrong. it leaves a hole in the person's soul, regardless of how necessary its removal was. a new way of living is inevitable.

i pray to God that i'm ready for it.

You will be my wings.

i should use more visuals in my blogs...they're fun to see in everyone else's blogs.

so. on a lighter note than my last blog, this has been in my head for the past few months off and on, and i feel like sharing it. it's a kid's movie love song that probably every girl my age has seen and owned at some point...

yay. so like i said the love song in it that is the foundation for almost every other song in the movie is one that i've always loved for its unique melody and wonderful imagery. yes, i thought of these things even as a seven-year-old with blonde bedhead watching the movie at 6am on a Saturday morning. for those who can't recall it from memory, enjoy...

yay again. well i don't love this song because it's the most realistic or romantic thing i've ever heard...if it were to actually be sung between two people, i'd probably throw up. i love it because this song actually IS a reality for me, and it has been for nine years strong now.

He captured my heart and i was brought to my shaking knees in awe and wonder. i didn't understand a love like that...how could every dream, wish, and passion i had be satisfied by a single source in a single moment. all i knew was that i had discovered both a treasure and a mystery i had no intention of throwing away, and almost a decade later i've barely comprehended the surface area of the surface, let alone scratched it.

nine years...hard to believe. some days He was the air i breathed, other days i'd blown Him off for some boy with pretty eyes. sometimes it was all i could do not to explode with joy, other times i questioned whether He really ever loved me at all, or i, Him. but here we are. He and i. though my human condition sends me all over the place with emotions and mindsets and circumstances, i have been ruined by His love. for the rest of my life, i have no choice but to run towards it or fight against it; for it is there regardless of my actions. and i'm running hard.

but who wouldn't run toward such a life?

Let Me be your wings

Let Me be your only Love

Let Me take you far beyond the stars

Let Me be your wings

Let Me lift you high above

Everything we're dreaming of will soon be ours

Anything that you desire, anything at all

Every day I'll take you higher, and I'll never let you fall

Let Me be your wings

Leave behind the world you know

For another world of wondrous things

We'll see the universe and dance on Saturn's rings

Fly with Me and I will be your wings

Anything that you desire, anything at all

Every day I'll take you higher, and I'll never let you fall

[You will be my wings] Let Me be your wings

[You will be my only Love] Get ready for another world of wondrous things

[Wondrous things are sure to happen]

We'll see the universe and dance on Saturn's rings

Heaven isn't too far [Heaven is where You are]

Stay with Me, and let Me be your wings

welcome to my life. not my dream, not my prayer, but the reality i am living in every day i am given. i pray that it is yours as well.

bed time. can't wait for His songs in my ear. :)

home alone + stomach ache = hi, 2:30am. oh, you brought along conviction? fantastic, welcome.

i haven't stayed up this late in a long time with that "just because i can" attitude that once ruled my weekends and summer breaks. a few blogs here and there have come out of sleepless nights.

i forgot how thoughts just sort of "eek out" when it's late. daily life's not around to monitor what comes out of my brain. but i don't feel like apologizing for that since you're choosing to read this voluntarily.

what else can i write that could possibly be silenced with the sunrise?

here's something. i'm not going to be scared of my music anymore. i don't care if it's amateur, simplistic, or downright bad. i don't care if i can name off fifty people within a fifty-mile radius who can sing better than me. i don't care if fifty THOUSAND people in this state alone can play guitar better than me. i've lived my life caring, comparing, and compromising over this. and i can't do it anymore.

God put music inside of me. NO, that doesn't mean i simply have a deep respect for other people's music. NO, that doesn't mean i have been mentally or physically writing songs that seem to prophetically come to me in specific words and chords. NO, that doesn't mean i obnoxiously sing or play whenever i get a chance so that the spotlight is on me.

i live my life by the definitions of music. get it?

marriage is finding your harmony. don't find someone too close or too distant...you'll either clash or be in completely different keys.

looking out the window in a driving car is a song. the distant movements, like mountains, are the foundational and basic rhythms that define the pace and the tone. the not-so-distant objects moving faster are the chords adding color, and the immediate objects you can barely see whizzing by are the melodies stringing the chords together.

my faith is the key of my life's song. all kinds of chords come and go, but every action i take should be relative to the key. no key = no foundation.

my emotions are chords. different notes and strings...different circumstances...come together to create them, and sometimes there are particular notes that define the entire chord as either major or minor...particular circumstances that make me happy or sad. focus on the notes that will continue on into the next chord. focus on the circumstances that surpass emotions.

music has rules, so long as it is called music. it is not relative, it is not subjective, it is not optional. though there are relative and subjective and optional avenues through which one moves through music, there are fundamental rules that cannot be compromised. such is life.

a song is a life. there are specific verses that come and go, build-up points, and repetitive choruses that tell of who we are and why we're here. the specific words are based on our actions.

are you getting my point? music is literally my life. if i sound angry, don't take it personally. i just don't understand why it has taken so long for me to realize that this is not a pass time, this is not a talent, this is not lust for fame or attention or compliments.

this, is, my, calling.

we are all stewards of our spiritual and practical gifts, and i have done a lousy job at harvesting this particular one of mine. i have learned music for my own pleasure, performed it when it was convenient, and gave up on writing whenever it got too odious or intimidating. i have lived for myself. lately God has literally FORCED me to sing and play for Him...people have pursued me endlessly to glorify Him through music and i have done so as a favor and not as a ministry. every single time...every SINGLE time i have done so, i have had people either asking me to play for another event as well or asking me when [not if, when] i'm going to record so that they can buy my EP.

i remember years ago giving up on this. i was staring rejection and failure in the face and i forfeited without a second thought. but my Jesus never lets go that easily. He has sought me out and refuses to allow for shadows to hide my face from Him any longer. i have given Him my leadership abilities, my relationships, my attitude, and my will to live.

but i haven't given Him my music. He reveals it inside of me everyday and i refuse to think "too much of it" or "get too full of myself" to the point of feeling called "to make something of myself" because of it. THAT would be the selfish and lustful thing to do, right?

hah. my selfishness is in all of my securities. my lust is in guaranteeing my FULL knowledge of what's coming next in life. music wipes both of those slates clean.

now, this isn't the very first revelation to the fact that i need to focus on music more. sorry friends, i know you were hoping to be the witnesses to some crazy life change in Katelyn on a very early Friday morning. i've been feeling this for months. but this is the first time i've "said it out loud" to anyone but my small group, and i feel like it's time. it's time to start holding myself publicly accountable to my calling. it isn't going to be simple, straightforward, easy, or even fun. i may personally hate every song that i write down.

but praise God for direction, even if it leads to fearful places and obstacles taunting for a fight. praise be to the Whisper given to desperate ears in their time of need. praise be to the God of my music.

don't get too hasty...this is particularly a long road. but for the first time, i am actually walking it.

sup cutestblogontheblock.com?

i felt it was time to make my blog pretty and cute. gotta give the people what they want!

let's see. lately...

i've been looking for a job, and for awhile i was dead set on living out of a refrigerator box if need be to get out of retail. an office job sounded perfect...answering phones, working with the same people everyday, NOT selling anything to anyone sounded perfect, and i'd thought i'd found that job at a retirement insurance office called Valic. the job title was "Appointment Setter/ Administrative Assistant." i would set up appointments between clients and insurance agents, manage calendars, process paperwork and forms, and doing other administrative things. it starts at $10 an hour and is part-time and offers a flexible schedule Monday through Friday. i sent in my resume about two weeks ago and can see my application status online, which for now is "Considering." hey, can't complain about that.

but then i started talking to my friend Brandon, who works at REI (an amazing recreational store). it's retail, but he had nothing but awesome things to say about his managers and the customers...not to mention the awesome discount on the best quality of outdoor clothing and equipment. apparently if Brandon refers me to his manager, i am guaranteed an interview and most likely a job. i'd start out at the register at $8.55 an hour but can get promoted easily based on performance. they're also really flexible apparently with scheduling and i'd never get scheduled when i say i'm not available (which has ALWAYS been an issue in the past).

what i'm worried about is facing the possibility of choosing one or the other. they both have their own pros and cons, and i'm not one to choose solely based on the money. but i'll cross that bridge when i come to it.

lately i've also been helping Chad out with working his way to the job he wants, which for now is an EMT for an ambulance company like Southwest Ambulance. i've helped him write his resume and also an essay about himself and why he's qualified for the job and what not. sometimes i pretend to make a big deal about it like i'm his slaved assistant, but i really do enjoy being able to help him achieve such a significant goal in his life, and the fact that he trusts me with so much of that process. pretty flattering. :)

i've been making a mental list of all the things i'm going to buy once i have money. here are a few...

• all the seasons of Lost, The Office, and Flight of the Conchords
• blue Vans. they're just too cute.
• the cords i'd need to record music onto Garage Band...can't keep ALL of it in the memory bank!
• canvases and paint...it's sort of addicting.
• groceries...GOOD groceries

that's it for now. time to watch Lost online. :)

it's all in the little things.

here are some things that make me pretty darn happy at the moment! this is all assuming that Jesus, my friends, family, and boyfriend are on the top already. :)

• my school - it's cute with quality, haha. it's also QUIET! it was meant for students with my personality, clearly.
• the fact that the Walmart by Chad's house sells Mexican Coke! that means it's made with sugar and not corn syrup...it is much better than Pepsi's "Throwback" attempt, that's for sure.
• the puppies in my life - i have FIVE that i see on a continual basis. the three goobers i live with, the majestic Buddy at my parents' house, and Chad's sweet old puppy Chaos. dogs warm my heart in ways that i can't explain. :)
• my Mac - it's the cutest piece of technology ever.
• YOUNGLIFE - the ministry that continues to change and challenge my heart. i think i may have to do it for the rest of my life.
• my red American Apparel hoodie...you know, the one everyone has in some shade of a ridiculous color. i know this won't be my last one.
• skinny jeans - specifically from American Eagle. it's just the right ratio of denim to spandex that makes it not too tight but not too stretchy. i notice these things.
• Starbucks music, including the noises and voices that mix into it all around the store. i could probably go to sleep listening to a recording of an hour's worth of Starbucks sounds.
• hand sanitizer.
• salt and vinegar chips.
• blogs. :)
• the combination of aviators and Rainbow flip flops...it spices up whatever i'm wearing.
• scarves, because they do the same thing.
• Tracey Beal's house. it inspires me to never stop decorating!
• my cowboy boots. sometimes i feel like they complete me. :P
• the fact that i have Southern roots...it's a culture that i am always proud to be part of, especially MY Southern family. :D
• the way an iced chai never gets old.
• the way a tuned strum on a guitar seems to light up the air in a room, bringing to attention all the beautiful waves we live in that we generally disregard.
• curling up into a ball either in a chair or in the car and being perfectly comfortable. not everyone has that luxury.
• album art on my iPod.
• college-ruled paper...and a good pen for it!
• the way people move for each other on any sort of walk way. the person is thirty feet ahead of you and they're already turning to their right/left to give you more room.
• Biology! my three classes dealing with biology and the medical field are to blame for this...the fact that we are composed of very physical substances doing very physical activities rather than being a hollow shell of spiritual fluids we call "life"...it shows me more and more the thought, effort, and care that God put into my simple existence. no one can compare.
• duets. i miss those.
• the timeless sound of a grand piano.
• the fact that no matter what the economy is like, latest fashion looks like, or latest music sounds like, there will still be weddings and birthdays. life will go on.
• the healing power of writing something down.
• the fact that there's always a beach waiting for me when i need it.
• road trips...especially the really uncomfortable and cheap ones.
• the thought of going on a date with God to Colorado for five days again this year. :D
• my baby niece and her adorable way of figuring out life.
• my older sister learning things that i can learn from too.
• the unspoken sense of humor that i share with my brother.
• sharing a house with some of the most rare and precious girls/women i know, who know no fear in ways that i have always been afraid of. but i think they learn from where i am strong and have no fear as well. :)
• good movies...like, GOOD. the directors who are trying to speak to the world, not just entertain it.
• the way the majority of people around me agreed with me this morning that today was a hoodie day.
• Philosophy and the way it gets my blood pumping through my brain...the tangly and complicated issues that never have simple answers, and knowing at the end of the day that i don't have to know the answer.
• rain, and the way it changes the entire city.
• the way God has opened my eyes to the simple pleasures of life, allowing me to have a list this long of happy things and being not even close to finished with it!

but i'll spare you all any more of that. i've been asked before why i am so happy...how i can find hope in the midst of a seemingly tragic situation. the funny thing about that is the fact that i generally feel like a not-exactly-happy and rather hopeless person...the people closest to me have seen that. and if i were Katelyn through and through, that's all anyone would see, because that's who Katelyn is. but God so loved my soul that He gave me His one and only Son, that if i let His heart become mine, i would be free from sorrow and feel the hope that is to be had no matter what is thrown into my life. that list is a list of opened eyes, a list of fighting off defeating thoughts, a list of life. they are the littlest of things that, if appreciated, satisfy some of the biggest desires the heart can have.

life is beautiful whether you notice it or not. why wouldn't you want to?

when in Starbucks...

i have some time to blog between classes, and i suppose there's enough to talk about to make it worth the effort. :P

i'm enjoying a mix of completely new artists to my ears at the moment, compliments of my fellow musical enthusiast Blair. it compliments the calm and contemplative vibe that permeates the entirety of ASU West...specifically the campus Starbucks I frequent quite often this semester. i LOVE it.

well i got an email saying my internship application [you know...the one i was flipping out about in my last blog] was transferred to Woodleaf [in Northern California] because Lost Canyon was apparently overloaded with intern applications for Ropes this year. this definitely changes things...because Woodleaf is 14 hours away. i would be completely cut off from my life here if i went...i would miss my niece's first birthday, i would definitely NEVER see Chad, and i would have to make several other sacrifices in order to make that work. this is all assuming i was even accepted. long story short...i've been encouraged to stay open to the possibility, but everything inside of me is telling me not to pursue it anymore. do i still plan on genuinely praying about it? of course. but this is at least progress in an area of my life/future that was really breaking my heart no matter what perspective i was looking at it from. at least now i know that my dream/desire to live in my favorite place in Arizona is not going to happen. no matter what is coming up, it's time to move on from that.

sort of speaking of Chad, things on that front are just dandy. :) it's a fun thing; being in the most mature/adult relationship i've ever strived for, and yet one of the goofiest/quirkiest relationships i think any of my friends have encountered. hahah i'm okay with it! i love seeing that 23-year-old wearing all the colors of the rainbow with a harmonica around his neck and a hood over his head and knowing he is mine. and hopefully he sees me with my out-of-control hair that changes colors and my earth-toned clothes and the occasional cowboy boots and thinks the same thing. :)

this semester of classes isn't killing me like i thought it would...it's about just as much as i can take, but i'm not breaking a sweat yet. i'll have to hang out at my parents' house a lot to use their PC since my professors don't use programs that are always Mac-friendly, but the only downside of that is the drive. more family time is never a bad thing!

God is really pushing growth into my life, which seems to have been a theme of His in my life for the last year or so. He works me out, i get sore, and He works me out even more while i'm temporarily malleable. the moment life gets easier will be the moment i know i'm not really following Him...He never created us to coast through our life.

that's all for now. :) love love love.

i come to You in pieces.

i think it's safe to say i do my best in life to avoid hardship...i subconsciously associate it with consequential punishment for doing something wrong. you're poor? that's because you didn't prioritize enough to get a degree for a better job. your schedule is hectic? you should have paced yourself and not let things get backed up and overwhelming. your relationships are suffering? clean up your side of the street and if it's a relationship worth keeping, they will do the same.

i have all these answers to all of life's problems, it seems. why would a sensible and intelligent person ever find themselves in true difficulty, then?

HAH. if only life was a formula to figure out. but we are a people of formulas; our systems and rules and schedules are just part of the overall machine we build onto more and more to live through. we live on a planet of purple and green and orange and yet we put our best efforts into making everything red or blue or yellow. but i am getting ahead of myself.

i am coming up to some definite hard times. some of them are my own fault, but some of them truly are not in my control. school being ridiculous this next semester is my fault; i shouldn't have taken such jokes of semesters this last year and screwed myself over for the rest of my college life. i also should have made school more of a priority than Younglife. though that is my ministry through and through, i won't be able to do much with it in the long run if i never graduate or get the degree i feel called to.

but other hardships seem to have come up simply because this is what happens in life. like i said in the blog earlier, i can now say the coolest guy i've ever known is my boyfriend, and i thank God for him everyday. if he was any less perfect for me i would still be single, and that's because i had no intention of even finding interest in a guy for a few years. that was also something i thanked God for: the satisfaction i found in solitude, which most single women i know cannot say they feel. so in my satisfaction and excitement for my life, God revealed to me several things in my heart that He intended to fulfill.

one would be interning at Lost Canyon - the moment i met all the interns there, i knew it was an experience i wanted to be part of. Summer Staff was amazing and i could only imagine the life change that would come from interning. i can't assume God will definitely give me the internship, but i sent in my application as fast as i could and now wait for a response. here's the catch: i would be there from May 19th-ish to August 15th-ish with maybe one day off a week. this was part of the allure of the entire thing at first, but now having a boyfriend changes things. three months of our relationship [that will only be months old as it is] will be virtually apart from one another. i know this won't ruin what we have; it will most likely make us even stronger. but i am taking 17 credit hours this semester and Chad is now working full-time plus over-time six days a week...our current time together feels suffocated and sparing as it is. the fact that he lives 20 minutes away doesn't help either. he says he usually doesn't work in monsoon season and that's around the time i get out of school...so the moment we're both done for awhile with our hectic crap, i'll be peacing out to live three hours away. THREE MONTHS LATER, i'll be back...heyyy just in time for another crappy semester! hopefully Chad won't have to go back to the job he has now, but if he does, we'll then be just as busy as we were before the summer. it feels cruelly synchronized and makes me frustrated to even think about. why in the world would God lead me to both a distant place for so long AND lead me to a guy who i am clearly meant to be with at the same time?

and then there's India - i've wanted India in my life for so so long. i found out i could go there through Global Expeditions NEXT summer and i totally planned on doing so. i planned on the two-month trip, of course. anything less felt not worth it. now i feel like that would be too much to handle after this summer and the following semester. even though interning felt like it would be a leap of faith, i felt like i should run for it nonetheless. but this...i'm not feeling that way about this. i can see this being something that i should lay off of. my heart for India remains, and i pray that i can somehow find myself there for awhile. maybe as this approaches as something less than a year and a half away, my heart will change and the opportunity will present itself to be more intelligent. but for now, i am saddened to say i don't see it happening. once again...why would God call me away and call me here?

it may sound like i'm becoming rather dependent on Chad, and that i'm letting our relationship rule my life rather than God. that is not the case at all...i am simply acknowledging it as a gift and a tool of God's that He has a will and a plan for. i can't disregard it as i make decisions that threaten it, and i feel that way about the internship, school, Younglife, and India as well.

and so it is...hardship inevitably awaits me and has nothing to do with something i may have done wrong. this is life. this is being an adult. it will never get simpler or easier, but i trust my God enough to know that it will indeed get better.

i pray that i enter into a new level of hope and faith as my life proceeds from here on out, and that it may be seen and felt by all who come near me.

thanks for listening, friends. :)