Light of the world.

in Matthew chapter five, it talks about how the body of Christ is meant to be the light of the world.

i have heard more than once the metaphor of being a lighthouse, so that all who are lost in darkness may find their way to the light we shine.

as of late, this has not sat with me well.

is it really believed that the body of Christ is meant to plant itself somewhere permanent and establish a culture and lifestyle and lingo that secludes itself from the outside world, with the mindset of "God will bring the lost to us"? are we to shine light afar from our comfortable bubble, leaving the journey up to the outsiders? and those who don't come, what of them? are they the wicked we are meant to stay away from anyway? are we to praise God for how thick our walls are, for now no one can influence us without our consent?

...what?!

Isaiah chapter sixty-two talks about Jerusalem's salvation being like a burning torch. are torches permanent? do they assume comfort and convenience? those who carry torches do not consider themselves physically at rest, and they are generally not alone. torches do not provide an ethereal or romantic light that is easy or simple or formulaic. it is fire. fire that is real and applicable and passionate and warming to all that go near it. fire that can only be tamed for so long. a torch-bearer relies on the fellowship of fire burning around them, so that their own fire may be fueled by that of others' through discipleship.

we are not meant to be a city on a hill, but we are meant to be just as spiritually visible and welcoming as one. and we are definitely not meant to be a weighty, stubborn lighthouse that distantly shoves "light" in people's faces and considers it their loss when they turn away in disgust.

we are meant to be a people on the move. we are meant to be a people who PERSONALLY love others, no matter where they have been or even where they are going. we are meant to be a people who own no walls, who allow ourselves to be haunted by the questions and burdens of the world to the point of questioning the very torches we hold. and how much stronger of a people we will be after such journeys, after such love, after such struggles and questions! only then can we consider ourselves to be living IN this world the way that Christ allowed Himself to live.

i can only faintly praise the Lord my God for such a calling to action, to vulnerability, to brokenness. for such things are the traits of a life in its fullest.

amen. with all of my heart, amen.

i have roughly two and a half hours to hang out in the campus library before i need to be anywhere. i figure this is a good time to blog.

i think i'll share a few pictures that helped my love for India bloom. they are all by Steve McCurry. thankfully i have most of them in a huge album in my room.

scattered thoughts.

still no word on the moving out situation. i'm not sure what's going on there.

so i had an odd idea on Friday...what if i were to actually put my books on my bookshelf? i had all my cute nick nacks and candles and yearbooks on it before and had all my books in stacks on any other available surface of my room. and my textbooks seemed most comfortable on the floor. thing is, to make room for my books, i had to get rid of some stuff i've kept for years on end. i wouldn't call myself a pack rat...just a reminiscent being...so throwing things away doesn't come easy for me. but i think getting rid of all that i truly do NOT need or use was good for me. now my books are on their designated shelves and i feel lighter and cleaner and more efficient in general.

i need to invest more time in my photography. i have lost motivation to take pictures but not the love to do so...also, people seem to enjoy them if they're from an event or place they were present for.

even more than in my photography, i need to invest more time in my music. i've recently decided that i am going to write and record and sell what i have to create and put whatever profit i get from it toward my mission to get to India. so look out for that.

anything else? nah. except that this semester is going by so fast! and i'm not complaining.

enjoy the weather today.

scrambled eggs and chai tea.

tea only gets closer to my soul as time goes on. truly.

so i have an update on my latest blog about moving out! nothing is certain yet, but even if things don't work out with this particular situation, i have a feeling that i can find another avenue through which the moving-out process can proceed.

my close friend Missy just moved in with three of her friends, two of which i am getting to know pretty well, and she needs to share the master bedroom with someone. initially it was going to be with the other close friend Blair, but her situation shifted in a way that prevented her from being able to move in. at the moment, a very sweet girl Kim has first dibs on the spot, but she just got hit with some medical expenses that may prevent her from doing so as well. she is not sure yet about it, but according to Cathi, she will need to make a final decision by tomorrow.

and here we are to the point: if Kim ends up not being able to move in, i will be able to afford splitting the rent with Missy and then will be living in a house with some amazing friends! it is fairly close to my parents' house, so a) they don't feel like i'm too far away, b) i am already familiar with the area, and c) my work and school aren't significantly farther from that location than they were from the parents'.

and like i said, even if Kim ends up being able to move in with them, i know i'll be able to find a way through setting up a YoungLife house or something to be able to move out.

i guess i should go into why i want to move out, since it can sort of sound like i'm trying to run away from my parents or something. first of all, i am not one to create genuine friendships in a week's time. it takes general time, an accumulation of experiences with the person through that time, and some raw conversations about ourselves [either one-on-one or in a group] before i look at a person and with all my heart, call them a friend. and it is only with friends like these i would want to live with, especially if one of them was going to be my roommate. and this opportunity is the only one so far that has been that sort of dynamic for me. second of all, i didn't want to move out immediately once out of high school because i didn't want to get used to both college and a new home at the same time. thirdly, i am generally a "late bloomer" when comes to going through rites of passage, and i've been that way my entire life according to my mom. but when i am ready for it, i mean that i am ready. i mean that i am going to make it happen as soon as possible, because i know i'm ready, and i will not change my mind. it's just the way i am. and as you have just witnessed yourself, i said i was ready to move out and i will now possibly have done so by the end of the month.

i just wanted to clear some of that up, since i've had a few concerned "how are you?" comments come from those who knew i wanted to move out rather quickly. in general, i am fine. we all have our issues and struggles and tough growing stages, and i do not consider myself in any worse of a situation than that of anyone else.

also, everyone and their cousin is engaged right now! it's crazy. oh, romance. i'll take a rain check.

this blog has gotten long enough. if i keep going i won't be able to write about anything else for a month. i hope this Saturday warms your heart in a way that it never has before.

so long, for now.

thoughts/issues/feelings as of late.

hey friends.

if you're the praying type, i ask you to keep me in mind when doing so for a few reasons. first, i am still unsure about how India will fit into my future. second, i'm going to start doing some more serious research into other graduate school opportunities other than George Fox in Portland. and thirdly, i am now going to begin looking into how/if/when i can move out of my parents' house.

the third decision listed is the one i am thinking about the most, since i want to make it happen before the year is over if possible. thing is, i would probably either have to quit my job or start training to be a server there, which would take up much more of my time and still may not be enough to fully support myself. then again, with this economy it may be my only option. bah.

i am looking forward to camping this weekend. maybe i'll finally have some worthwhile pictures to post on here!

we'll see. have a good one.

"his father was a drinker, and his mother cried in bed."

if i talk about books, songs, and movies a lot, it's because they always seem to teach me something about myself or about life. having said that, i feel like talking about how i react to Sufjan Stevens' song "John Wayne Gacy, Jr."

it's about the famous serial killer from Illinois that raped and murdered thirty-something boys ranging from the ages of fourteen to twenty-one. he hid most of them in the crawl space under his house once they had decomposed too much for his liking.

what really stays with me from this song is the last few lines:

"and in my best behavior, i am really just like him
look beneath the floor boards for the secrets i have hid."

i automatically think of the verse in the Bible that says all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. does this mean we have all sinned to the same degree? we all needed the same Savior, so i suppose we indeed have. that makes me wonder, both in fear and in curiosity, of what the depths of my heart and mind would have to say for themselves if ever fully brought out of their murky and hidden depths. it also makes me wonder what would had to have happened to me throughout my life to have pushed me to the point of finding pleasure only in others' despair.

all i know is that i was spared from such a life, and knowing that such potential is inside of me and was withheld is somehow even more of a blessing than not having such potential at all.

Tolkien's at it again.

to preface this blog, i will say that i have been reading The Silmarillion by J.R.R. Tolkien for the past month or so now, and it's been a bit of a rough read so far. it reads a lot like the Bible, in that a lot of the stories are really powerful but you have to add some of the emotion and dialogue yourself to it in order to really comprehend what is going on and what will come out of it. Tolkien's writing however is absolutely beautiful even in its mundane nature.

i started the book because it is the very first book related to the Lord of the Rings series...even before The Hobbit. it starts at the creation of Middle Earth and tells the stories of all the people and cities that are referenced throughout the later books. being one who enjoys having a thorough knowledge of any given subject, i decided i should give the book a shot.

so today i was in Starbucks for quite some time between classes and i got to a part in the book that describes a love story between a Man and an Elf that really stirred something inside of me. since i know you are devastatingly interested, i'll relay my favorite excerpts, which are about when the Man (named Beren) and the Elf (named Lúthien) first meet:

It is told in the Lay of Leithian that Beren came stumbling into Doriath grey and bowed as with many years of woe, so great had been the torment of the road. But wandering in the summer in the woods of Neldoreth he came upon Lúthien, daughter of Thingol and Melian, at a time of evening under moonrise, as she danced upon the unfading grass in the glades beside Esgalduin. Then all memory of his pain departed from him, and he fell into an enchantment; for Lúthien was the most beautiful of all the Children of Ilúvatar (God). Blue was her raiment as the unclouded heaven, but her eyes were grey as the starlit evening; her mantle was sewn with golden flowers, but her hair was dark as the shadows of twilight. As the light upon the leaves of trees, as the voice of clear waters, as the stars above the mists of the world, such was her glory and her loveliness; and in her face was shining light.
But she vanished from his sight; and he became dumb, as one that is bound under a spell, and he strayed long in the woods, wild and wary as a beast, seeking for her. In his heart he called her Tinúviel, that signifies Nightingale, daughter of twilight, in the Grey-elven tongue, for he knew no other name for her. And he saw her afar as leaves in the winds of autumn, and in winter as a star upon a hill, but a chain was upon his limbs.
There came a time near dawn on the eve of spring, and Lúthien danced upon a green hill; and suddenly she began to sing. Keen, heart-piercing was her song as the song of the lark that rises from the gates of night and pours its voice among the dying stars, seeing the sun behind the walls of the world; and the song of Lúthien released the bonds of winter, and the frozen waters spoke, and flowers sprang from the cold earth where her feet passed.
Then the spell of silence fell from Beren, and he called to her, crying Tinúviel, and the woods echoed the name. Then she halted in wonder, and fled no more, and Beren came to her [....] Thereafter often she came to him, and they went in secret through the woods together from spring to summer; and no others of the Children of Ilúvatar have had joy so great, though the time was brief.


i think i loved this story so much because i know that it was inspired by J.R.R. Tolkien's own love story with his wife. she danced for him in the woods when they were young, and i can just imagine him writing this as fast as he could before his memory faded into something more dull and blurry. there is obviously a supernatural aspect to Lúthien with the changing of seasons and such, but i wonder if Tolkien really did add anything to her that he did not see in his wife. i wonder if she really did initiate the season of spring, even if just in his heart. i don't remember when she died but i know she died before he did, and so i am sure he felt that their time together was both joyous and brief just as with Beren and Lúthien.

i guess you could say that i love how fantastic and yet how realistic such love is. sometimes i wonder if only those who have been through sorrow can know joy like that...i know The Prophet talks about it, but i can't quote it because a friend has it at the moment. something about how pain can be like the digging deeper of a well and joy is the water that comes out of it...therefore making pain necessary for joy. something like that.

i need sleep. dream of the sweeter things tonight.