so i didn't get the internship i applied for. two years in a row, haha. but i'm glad i tried, because it put me in the mindset of making this summer intentional...something that i need to pray about and plan for. that next level of leadership is going to meet me right where i am, not on top of a mountain.
i am also realizing that the wall i keep hitting when it comes to writing music is directly correlated with this wall i'm hitting with leadership. it's a boldness, a step into the unknown, it's taking a stand for something that others will want to challenge or turn down. it is making a choice and sticking with it. every single note, chord, word...a choice. leadership and music are both the type of risk i have done my best to avoid my entire life. of course God wants me to face them at the same time in the same respect. He's always pushing me in the deep end to teach me how to swim.
i have plenty of crappy feelings i have to swallow in order to keep a positive attitude about this. i feel the need to express that so that i don't come across as some beauty pageant contestant about life. do i feel like God's keeping me from things that i want, while dangling other things over my head that i could technically pursue but should not? yes, i feel that way. it feels like i'm ready for adventure and He's forcing me to stay put. it feels like the me i want to be is out of my reach because He closes door after door. i feel like my heart is blindly running through a maze and it hits wall after wall, leaving a bruise every time.
and yet everything i said in the previous paragraphs is true. this is the path for me. it is the best for me. God is strong enough, all-knowing enough, and loving enough to provide for me the life i was meant for. the foreign countries, the mountains, the everything else...it will have its time. hurts like hell without it now, but i trust Him enough to know He wants those things for me too.
time for bed. until next time...
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