On Jesus shit

Tonight, I spontaneously typed in "Sonicflood" into Spotify and blasted their '99 record on my drive home from Franklin.

Yes. I did this on purpose. And I'm so glad I did.

It felt like some of the most genuine and joyful singing I've experienced in a long time. I remember being in youth group and singing about how I could sing of His love forever, about how His holiness is what I long for and need, and most importantly singing about coming back to the heart of worship. I remembered that beautiful realization as a young kid, understanding that the God of the Universe who had felt so far away is in fact so very close. Scary close. Close enough to truly *know* me and even love me.

In all of my nostalgic singing, I remembered what it felt like to first understand the holiness of God. I remembered how, instead of breaking me, that holiness gave me life.

Understanding this holiness led to worship. This worship led to praise. And I've been singing to Him ever since.

Enter: 20 years of church music, 3 years working in the Christian retail industry, and 3 years living in the Christian Music capitol of the world

As it turns out, I'm not the only one who likes singing to Him.

As it turns out, there is a massive amount of money that can be made if you write catchy songs about Him.

As it turns out, the Christian music industry is freaking loaded. Seriously. Loaded to the brim with the dollars.

There is nothing inherently wrong in this. Money is not inherently evil. But money is always going to be a persuasive factor. I have born witness to too many Christian artists bargaining with studios for cheaper rates/walking out on records, even asking for the work to be free in order "to further the Kingdom", all while making ridiculous money playing in churches or on tour or farting out records.

If that sounds harsh, I promise you it is not. If you listen closely, even with an untrained ear, you can tell if a song is a praise song before a word is ever sung. It's in the timing, it's in the guitar pedals, it's in the drum samples, it's in the drum rhythms, it's in the mixing of the EQs. Not even five seconds into a song, and you magically know it's for a church.

Today's praise songs are carefully calculated formulas. Put enough "grace, soul, shame, chains, glory, love, King" words in it, and congratulations, you've conjured America's Holy Spirit that will send its audience into tears and raised hands, and somehow it all becomes a song about themselves. Consider this the curtain pulling back, and witnessing Oz at the pulleys and levers of the seemingly magical.

Please hear me.

God is my Rock, my Everything, my Existence. Without Him I am undone.

Please hear me.

I am moved to my core in music. My most powerful and important moments in life, including the beginning of my personal faith, were born in music.

Perhaps it is my fierce love of both that has me so indignant toward what feels like blasphemous capitalism.

I'll never forget this one dude who came into Berean Christian Bookstores (a Christian bookstore with CDs, home decor, and kids toys) when I worked there a decade ago. He was buying a CD and a book, and I was at the register processing his order. His cell rang, he answered it, and chatted with whoever was on the line. They must have asked him what he was up to, because he replied, "Oh, I'm just buying some Jesus shit and then heading over to Carmen's."

I was baffled and amazed. We finished up and he left. My co-worker and I laughed so hard, and she said, "You know, other than the Bible, everything in here really *is* just Jesus shit."

And so, as I grew older and wiser, as I saw the Christian community be more of a Christian industry that slaps a Bible verse on rubber ducks and sells them for $13, as I saw mega churches and Christian artists crank out cheap formulas that they sell as praise and worship,

all I've seen

and all I've smelled

is Jesus shit.

Enter: tonight with Sonicflood

Are they amazing? No. Did they crank out their songs mainly for a profit? Maybe. Tonight wasn't about experiencing a band who is free of guilt. Tonight was about where that music took me back to, and that was back to worship.

There's a distinct difference between worship and praise.

I worship God because He exists. I praise God for how His existence gives me existence.

I worship God because He is holy. I praise God for how His holiness allowed for Him to take my place.

I worship God because He is love. I praise God for how His love saved my life.

I worship God because of who He is. I praise God for His relationship with me.

Worship is acknowledging the holy. Praise is acknowledging the attributes of the holy that benefit my life.

Both are in the Word, both are pillars of any true relationship with God.

But I feel like all I've heard in Christian music - even further, in Christian messages and conversations and Christian Instagrams and Christian small groups - in the last decade has been an excessive amount of praise. Not enough worship.

Praise of how God benefits us. Not enough worship of who He is even if He were to rip everything away.

Praise of how God gives us an identity. Not enough worship of God's holy identity is on its own.

Praise of how God somehow turns into a magical mirror for us to finally love our own reflection. Not enough worship of the small glimpses of God we've graciously been given.

If you end up talking about yourself, you're doing worship wrong. Unless you're saying sorry for all the Jesus shit.

My beef with the Christian music industry is my own, not something I'm forcing onto you. Getting a closer look at Oz operating behind the curtain while living in Nashville has me bitter and jaded with most of what is being put out lately.

If it's worship for you, by all means lean in and experience the Holy. God can work through anything, even Jesus shit. ;)

If it's purely Jesus shit to you, if you're feeling praised-out and don't know why, maybe this post is more than just a personal soapbox for me. Maybe this is a needed reminder to press into worship while the Christian culture keeps cashing in on all that feel-good praise.

For me, worship is experiencing Sigur Ros while driving through the mountains.

Worship is singing Christmas carols about the humble holiness of Christ's birth.

Worship is standing in awe of my Savior while it feels like my family falls apart, while I grieve and heal and lean into pain that does not evoke immediate praise.

Worship is 11-year-old me singing the words to "Heart of Worship" with tears down my face because, for the first time, I understand there is a Father to sing them to.

Worship is singing Sonicflood songs 18 years too late in my car as a grown woman.

Don't throw the baby out with the bath water, like I ended up doing for too long. Don't throw the worship out with the hi-fi praise that is blasting in every church.

Find your worship, then find your praise,

and do what you will with the rest of the Jesus shit.