i have roughly two and a half hours to hang out in the campus library before i need to be anywhere. i figure this is a good time to blog.

i think i'll share a few pictures that helped my love for India bloom. they are all by Steve McCurry. thankfully i have most of them in a huge album in my room.

scattered thoughts.

still no word on the moving out situation. i'm not sure what's going on there.

so i had an odd idea on Friday...what if i were to actually put my books on my bookshelf? i had all my cute nick nacks and candles and yearbooks on it before and had all my books in stacks on any other available surface of my room. and my textbooks seemed most comfortable on the floor. thing is, to make room for my books, i had to get rid of some stuff i've kept for years on end. i wouldn't call myself a pack rat...just a reminiscent being...so throwing things away doesn't come easy for me. but i think getting rid of all that i truly do NOT need or use was good for me. now my books are on their designated shelves and i feel lighter and cleaner and more efficient in general.

i need to invest more time in my photography. i have lost motivation to take pictures but not the love to do so...also, people seem to enjoy them if they're from an event or place they were present for.

even more than in my photography, i need to invest more time in my music. i've recently decided that i am going to write and record and sell what i have to create and put whatever profit i get from it toward my mission to get to India. so look out for that.

anything else? nah. except that this semester is going by so fast! and i'm not complaining.

enjoy the weather today.

scrambled eggs and chai tea.

tea only gets closer to my soul as time goes on. truly.

so i have an update on my latest blog about moving out! nothing is certain yet, but even if things don't work out with this particular situation, i have a feeling that i can find another avenue through which the moving-out process can proceed.

my close friend Missy just moved in with three of her friends, two of which i am getting to know pretty well, and she needs to share the master bedroom with someone. initially it was going to be with the other close friend Blair, but her situation shifted in a way that prevented her from being able to move in. at the moment, a very sweet girl Kim has first dibs on the spot, but she just got hit with some medical expenses that may prevent her from doing so as well. she is not sure yet about it, but according to Cathi, she will need to make a final decision by tomorrow.

and here we are to the point: if Kim ends up not being able to move in, i will be able to afford splitting the rent with Missy and then will be living in a house with some amazing friends! it is fairly close to my parents' house, so a) they don't feel like i'm too far away, b) i am already familiar with the area, and c) my work and school aren't significantly farther from that location than they were from the parents'.

and like i said, even if Kim ends up being able to move in with them, i know i'll be able to find a way through setting up a YoungLife house or something to be able to move out.

i guess i should go into why i want to move out, since it can sort of sound like i'm trying to run away from my parents or something. first of all, i am not one to create genuine friendships in a week's time. it takes general time, an accumulation of experiences with the person through that time, and some raw conversations about ourselves [either one-on-one or in a group] before i look at a person and with all my heart, call them a friend. and it is only with friends like these i would want to live with, especially if one of them was going to be my roommate. and this opportunity is the only one so far that has been that sort of dynamic for me. second of all, i didn't want to move out immediately once out of high school because i didn't want to get used to both college and a new home at the same time. thirdly, i am generally a "late bloomer" when comes to going through rites of passage, and i've been that way my entire life according to my mom. but when i am ready for it, i mean that i am ready. i mean that i am going to make it happen as soon as possible, because i know i'm ready, and i will not change my mind. it's just the way i am. and as you have just witnessed yourself, i said i was ready to move out and i will now possibly have done so by the end of the month.

i just wanted to clear some of that up, since i've had a few concerned "how are you?" comments come from those who knew i wanted to move out rather quickly. in general, i am fine. we all have our issues and struggles and tough growing stages, and i do not consider myself in any worse of a situation than that of anyone else.

also, everyone and their cousin is engaged right now! it's crazy. oh, romance. i'll take a rain check.

this blog has gotten long enough. if i keep going i won't be able to write about anything else for a month. i hope this Saturday warms your heart in a way that it never has before.

so long, for now.

thoughts/issues/feelings as of late.

hey friends.

if you're the praying type, i ask you to keep me in mind when doing so for a few reasons. first, i am still unsure about how India will fit into my future. second, i'm going to start doing some more serious research into other graduate school opportunities other than George Fox in Portland. and thirdly, i am now going to begin looking into how/if/when i can move out of my parents' house.

the third decision listed is the one i am thinking about the most, since i want to make it happen before the year is over if possible. thing is, i would probably either have to quit my job or start training to be a server there, which would take up much more of my time and still may not be enough to fully support myself. then again, with this economy it may be my only option. bah.

i am looking forward to camping this weekend. maybe i'll finally have some worthwhile pictures to post on here!

we'll see. have a good one.

"his father was a drinker, and his mother cried in bed."

if i talk about books, songs, and movies a lot, it's because they always seem to teach me something about myself or about life. having said that, i feel like talking about how i react to Sufjan Stevens' song "John Wayne Gacy, Jr."

it's about the famous serial killer from Illinois that raped and murdered thirty-something boys ranging from the ages of fourteen to twenty-one. he hid most of them in the crawl space under his house once they had decomposed too much for his liking.

what really stays with me from this song is the last few lines:

"and in my best behavior, i am really just like him
look beneath the floor boards for the secrets i have hid."

i automatically think of the verse in the Bible that says all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. does this mean we have all sinned to the same degree? we all needed the same Savior, so i suppose we indeed have. that makes me wonder, both in fear and in curiosity, of what the depths of my heart and mind would have to say for themselves if ever fully brought out of their murky and hidden depths. it also makes me wonder what would had to have happened to me throughout my life to have pushed me to the point of finding pleasure only in others' despair.

all i know is that i was spared from such a life, and knowing that such potential is inside of me and was withheld is somehow even more of a blessing than not having such potential at all.

Tolkien's at it again.

to preface this blog, i will say that i have been reading The Silmarillion by J.R.R. Tolkien for the past month or so now, and it's been a bit of a rough read so far. it reads a lot like the Bible, in that a lot of the stories are really powerful but you have to add some of the emotion and dialogue yourself to it in order to really comprehend what is going on and what will come out of it. Tolkien's writing however is absolutely beautiful even in its mundane nature.

i started the book because it is the very first book related to the Lord of the Rings series...even before The Hobbit. it starts at the creation of Middle Earth and tells the stories of all the people and cities that are referenced throughout the later books. being one who enjoys having a thorough knowledge of any given subject, i decided i should give the book a shot.

so today i was in Starbucks for quite some time between classes and i got to a part in the book that describes a love story between a Man and an Elf that really stirred something inside of me. since i know you are devastatingly interested, i'll relay my favorite excerpts, which are about when the Man (named Beren) and the Elf (named Lúthien) first meet:

It is told in the Lay of Leithian that Beren came stumbling into Doriath grey and bowed as with many years of woe, so great had been the torment of the road. But wandering in the summer in the woods of Neldoreth he came upon Lúthien, daughter of Thingol and Melian, at a time of evening under moonrise, as she danced upon the unfading grass in the glades beside Esgalduin. Then all memory of his pain departed from him, and he fell into an enchantment; for Lúthien was the most beautiful of all the Children of Ilúvatar (God). Blue was her raiment as the unclouded heaven, but her eyes were grey as the starlit evening; her mantle was sewn with golden flowers, but her hair was dark as the shadows of twilight. As the light upon the leaves of trees, as the voice of clear waters, as the stars above the mists of the world, such was her glory and her loveliness; and in her face was shining light.
But she vanished from his sight; and he became dumb, as one that is bound under a spell, and he strayed long in the woods, wild and wary as a beast, seeking for her. In his heart he called her Tinúviel, that signifies Nightingale, daughter of twilight, in the Grey-elven tongue, for he knew no other name for her. And he saw her afar as leaves in the winds of autumn, and in winter as a star upon a hill, but a chain was upon his limbs.
There came a time near dawn on the eve of spring, and Lúthien danced upon a green hill; and suddenly she began to sing. Keen, heart-piercing was her song as the song of the lark that rises from the gates of night and pours its voice among the dying stars, seeing the sun behind the walls of the world; and the song of Lúthien released the bonds of winter, and the frozen waters spoke, and flowers sprang from the cold earth where her feet passed.
Then the spell of silence fell from Beren, and he called to her, crying Tinúviel, and the woods echoed the name. Then she halted in wonder, and fled no more, and Beren came to her [....] Thereafter often she came to him, and they went in secret through the woods together from spring to summer; and no others of the Children of Ilúvatar have had joy so great, though the time was brief.


i think i loved this story so much because i know that it was inspired by J.R.R. Tolkien's own love story with his wife. she danced for him in the woods when they were young, and i can just imagine him writing this as fast as he could before his memory faded into something more dull and blurry. there is obviously a supernatural aspect to Lúthien with the changing of seasons and such, but i wonder if Tolkien really did add anything to her that he did not see in his wife. i wonder if she really did initiate the season of spring, even if just in his heart. i don't remember when she died but i know she died before he did, and so i am sure he felt that their time together was both joyous and brief just as with Beren and Lúthien.

i guess you could say that i love how fantastic and yet how realistic such love is. sometimes i wonder if only those who have been through sorrow can know joy like that...i know The Prophet talks about it, but i can't quote it because a friend has it at the moment. something about how pain can be like the digging deeper of a well and joy is the water that comes out of it...therefore making pain necessary for joy. something like that.

i need sleep. dream of the sweeter things tonight.

"Child, it's only time...it will go by."

there are a lot of subjects i feel like writing about.

first of all, i think there's something to be said for heartbreakers. i speak for myself. i've hurt enough guys in my life just by being who i am and being as young as i was when i caused them pain. i've also been on the receiving end of such pain, so i know how easy it is to feel like you were just used by a manipulative a-hole. but in reality, no one in that situation knows what they want...it's the heartbreaker who simply realizes it before the other person.

and being one who is familiar with relational pain...i can't think of anything worse than knowing that i've hurt someone because i didn't know what i wanted. i left them for something i couldn't define. i had nothing concrete to show them that it was the right decision. knowing something painful is right and then having no reassurance when all is said and done accumulates to a heavy load to carry on your heart.

another subject...i haven't been truly healthy in about a week and a half's time. there's always something my body seems to be fighting off, and never do i catch my breath when tomorrow comes...not the extent that i feel necessary.

it reminds me of something a mentor of mine once said...it went along the lines of "for some reason, i was once always waiting for things to get easier." it broke me and freed me from the thought of God holding out on me, because life isn't supposed to be easy. sure, we're meant to prosper, but since when has that been a walk in the park? anyway, somehow being sickly and not even having breathing as an easy task has led me down this mental road.

also, "Be Here Now" by Ray LaMontagne is my temporary favorite song. i plan on listening to it until i am utterly sick of it.

all the best to you.

"Come quick, you Light that knows no evening."

i just got back from my first walk in awhile. i had forgotten how disoriented my body temperature gets...how frustrated my leg muscles get...how there's always that fear that some creeper is hiding out in the bushes...how my music always sounds a bit clearer and sweeter in my ears...and how i can be spending time with Him without saying a word.

tonight's album was mewithoutYou's Catch For Us the Foxes. just enough anger to keep me power-walking and just enough joy for me to be enjoying myself. it was a good walk and i needed it.

i had small group tonight and for the most part that was a good time, but after awhile i just felt like going home. sometimes i'm emotionally and mentally not up for it all.

so i guess it's time for some Lost and The Office. quite the combo.

later, folks.

SO excited!

i have been wanting to go overseas for a really long time, but every time i think of "overseas" i think of Africa. i do want to go there eventually, but not with all of my heart. and also when i think about mission trips, i think of either construction work, feeding people, playing with kids, and/or straightforward evangelism. i also would love to do all of those things, but they aren't my forte at all and i would feel like i couldn't really contribute much because i have never been good at those things. even playing with kids can be difficult for me.

but i recently realized that for the past year or so, God has really given me a significant draw to India. there is something about that place that makes my mouth go dry and my heart lighten, and at the same time i feel the hurt and the burden of its beautiful people and i ache for them. a few days ago i decided that i could not hide any longer from the fact that i need to go there and maybe stay there for awhile. so i decided further that i was going to put some real effort into finding my way there, even if it was just some trip to clean out their gutters. i would do what i could to the best of my ability and would love every minute of it.

so today i was exploring different ministries that went to India and found one called Heart of God Ministries. it stood out to me because it offered what is called "Ethnomusicology" which entails that after five months of training i could go with a church planting team, learn the musical styles of the people, and create worship songs for them. when i read that, i about died with joy! it is an opportunity to do what i LOVE to do more than anything in a place that i am already in love with! and all this time i thought that i would be doing something that i couldn't be good at or ever really impact anyone with. what a lie. God doesn't make someone good at X and call them to do Y. He doesn't give me a heart for His music and then send me off to build houses. He creates with purpose and planning and then fulfills those purposes and plans. i can't say that i feel 100% called to this particular opportunity, but it has at least opened my eyes to all the possibilities of ministry overseas, particularly in India.

all i ask is that you begin to pray for further information and guidance in all of this. i have the opportunity to change my life forever depending on my decisions in these next few months. i will be doing what i can to give Him control of it all.

well there's nothing left to say for me. except praise God.

Morning Glory.

i randomly woke up at 8:10am this morning and could do nothing to go back to sleep. i went to sleep around 2am, mind you.

i wish every morning could be this way. in fact, that's part of the reason i chose classes later in the day this semester; i wanted to enjoy my mornings. i love having so many more hours in my day and seeing shadows outside that are usually in the sunlight by the time i wake up. also, the coffee is fresh and the cheeky Good Morning America is on.

i'm starting...starting...to write my music again. i knew i was having difficulty before because i wasn't really opening up or being honest in my investment, but those were not things that i felt i could change on my own. i wish there was an Open Me switch in my heart that i could turn on and off. but alas, a person who is closed-off is usually hidden from themselves as well, and so i myself did not even know what was inside of me. if anything has shown me the mystery God has wrapped me in, it has been this journey of self-discovery. and so i suppose a better way of putting all of this would be that God has graciously and lovingly been revealing more and more of Himself to me, and in such a revelation i was only bound to discover myself as well. and therein lies my renewed motivation to create; specifically, to create music.

i was talking to my mom the other day about how, even though i ADORE my sister, i have felt the cold of her shadow as of late [which is awkward to say since she'll probably read this...hah]. i remember especially feeling it when her wedding was around the time of my first prom, and i had to pry my mom away from wedding plans to go help me pick out a dress. and she seemed to only come because Emily came along too and they could talk wedding-talk the entire time. being sixteen and self-absorbed, i was a bit perturbed. four years later and i'm feeling the same left-out feeling but without the bitterness, because even though it kind of sucks, it makes sense as to why this is the way that it is.
Emily is married, just recently moved into her first house, is now pregnant, and is starting a significant job in her life. all of those achievements took [and are still taking] hard work and allow for life-changing steps into the future. they ARE important and they ARE worth celebrating every single day. their blog is full of exciting news and updates that are totally worth reading and commenting on.
in comparison, my life up until now has been an internal journey for the most part. and that is important too, because i know that God is preparing me for a life that will take all of the mental and emotional strength that i am gaining right now. my life on the outside looks easy and healthy and consistent, but my heart has been through battles that my body could never have survived, and every smile on my face is given to me by the grace of God Himself. and so all i have to write about are things that people can't really comment on too much, and therefore pass over. my life is one yet to be visible, which can make me feel terribly lonely and lackluster and base. i don't have a husband or a house or a baby or a "real" job to live life with and through. but i hold onto the promise that God has plans of prosperity for me, and that my life can in fact be seen, even if just by His eyes for now. and so while Emily now enjoys the light and the heat of the sun, my source of heat and light comes from within, and will soon allow for the sun to stain my face just as it did for her.

hmm...what else? i've had pretty vivid dreams lately, but they're a bit too hilarious for me to take seriously. plus, i've never been one to interpret too much into dreams. God finds me in other ways.

also, over the past year now i have developed some of the deepest friendships i've ever comprehended. there are things that i do for my friends that i have only ever done with boyfriends, such as share something with someone just because i know it will make them happy, and being terribly excited to witness that happiness myself. sounds simple, but it really is a big step for me.

that is that. i love you all. go listen to some good music and learn something new about yourself.