"The cure for pain is in the pain"

i knew the moment i picked up My Upmost For His Highest to use as a devotional that it would kick me in the pants. i knew it would be more relevant than i was comfortable with in my life and that i'd be tempted to put it on my bookshelf after about a week. well...yeah. i was right.

but i haven't given into my pride just yet, and there is a specific entry that i personally struggle with more than almost anything right now. maybe sharing it can bring others enlightenment on the subject as well:

God's Purpose or Mine?
We tend to think that if Jesus Christ compels us to do something and we are obedient to Him, He will lead us to great success. We should never have the thought that our dreams of success are God's purpose for us. In fact, His purpose may be exactly the opposite. We have the idea that God is leading us toward a particular end or a desired goal, but He is not. The question of whether or not we arrive at a particular goal is of little importance, and reaching it becomes merely an episode along the way. What we see as only the process of reaching a particular end, God sees as the goal itself.
[....] God is not working toward a particular finish -- His purpose is the process itself. What He desires for me is that I see "Him walking on the sea" with no shore, no success, nor goal in sight, but simply having the absolute certainty that everything is all right because I see "Him walking on the sea."
[....] God's purpose is to enable me to see that He can walk on the storms of my life right now. If we have a further goal in mind, we are not paying enough attention to the present time. However, if we realize that moment-by-moment obedience is the goal, then each moment as it comes is precious.

i'm realizing more and more that life is not about the events i fit into it or the opportunities i seize while i'm here. life isn't about goals. the purpose of life lies in the definition of life; processes, journeys, and lessons. goals only distract me from the beauty of my growth in the present.

i entitled this entry using quotes from one of my favorite bands, because growth and processes seem to go hand-in-hand with pain. and understanding pain is like trying to understand life; the cure for pain is in the pain, just as the purpose of life is in the definition of life.

just thought i'd share. time to get my Younglife on.

on Christ and Albuquerque.

first of all, i wish that my "profile picture" in this blog was one with me as a redhead, but i can't bring myself to change it. oh well.

second of all, God is out of control. always. once you finally lift both your feet off the ground and go where He takes you every minute of the day, you realize that He works in the biggest of ways through the littlest of circumstances. and sometimes those big ways are just the slightest tweak in thinking or acting, which feels small at the time but, if you stick to it, will change your entire life.

also, if nothing else has convinced me of the reality of Christ, the heart i feel inside me that is not mine has. i grow more and more capable of loving someone with an overflow of joy and seeing through their actions into the heart behind those actions. i am now willing and able to love [and therefore live] like Christ does...it's insane. i have had His eyes and His voice and His heart as my own when someone who has hurt me has looked at me in confusion and wonder as i've told them that i will never leave them or stop loving them and they are worth the struggle of being fought for like that. that is NOT Katelyn Lover...because Katelyn Lover would never let anyone in close enough to even love her, let alone hurt her. i can't say this change is less painful or more tangibly rewarding, but i can feel the significance of it with every breath i breathe into this heart.

some of those thoughts and revelations have come out of my weekend trip to Albuquerque, NM to visit some friends. the trip was decided on Wednesday, began Thursday night around 2am and ended last night around 3am. Missy, Rikki and i surprised them at UNM after their classes and then found time to hang out with them throughout the weekend. the trip consisted of such things as:

CD mixes played over and over again [if my CD player allowed].
sunrises over I-40.
going almost 90mph to get to our friends and some beds to sleep in.
planning all the ridiculous ways we could surprise them...we got pretty creative.
getting there and basically running inside to go sleep - i was shaking from being so tired!
driving to UNM, trying to find the friends, finally finding them and not surprising them as planned but surprising them nonetheless.
eating things such as cans of uncooked refried beans, Cup of Noodles, Fruit Snacks, and bananas.
only drinking water, ginger ale, or gatorade.
spooning each other awake and making each other feel awkward or uncomfortable on purpose...seriously the three of us girls reached a new level of bonding this weekend.
me packing like a retard and basically never wearing the right thing for what we did during the day.
NO ONE taking pictures...we were too busy actually having fun rather than taking pictures to prove to everyone else that we were having fun.
important and significant talks about all sorts of things.
four-wheeling, feeling the release and peace of freedom in driving them.
laying in grassy parks with closed eyes, listening to friends all around.
the evolution of new inside jokes and funny "you just had to be there" stories.
getting pulled over by d-bag cops for idiot reasons.
saying goodbye and driving home.
basically running inside to sleep again out of sheer exhaustion.
waking up happy to have gone and happy to be back.

so that's that. i love my Albuquerque friends and what they seem to teach me without even realizing it.

alright friends there is stuff i HAVE to do today before i'm in class all night. i love you dearly and wish you only the best.

a simple update and a short question.

i haven't written in awhile for a lot of reasons.

one of those reasons would be that i spent a month of my summer doing Summer Staff up at Lost Canyon. it was the best month of my life thus far and i could write for hours about how God used my job there and the people there to grow me significantly. i may eventually do that, but not for now.

another of those reasons would be that things keep changing by the hour...sometimes even by the minute...in my heart and mind. i would have to blog five times a day to keep you updated with all of that. so i've decided to simply keep all that nonsense out of here altogether and give you what may last a little longer.

here's a question i've been asking myself the past few days: a person is told to guard their heart for it is the wellspring of life (Proverbs 4:23)...but did Christ do this? i can't think of any moment in His interactions with people in which He denied them more of His heart. i never read about Him taking the safe way out of a situation so that His heart wouldn't get hurt over it. so why are we told to do so?

i may be interpreting that proverb incorrectly or even Christ's life incorrectly. or maybe the answer is that God is strong enough for that kind of love but we would be crushed under its weight if we did not guard ourselves. i don't know.

i should probably continue writing the article i'm blowing off to write in here. i love you all and i'm glad to be back. :)

oh, the adventures in letting go...

this summer is out of control. or maybe, it's that i am out of control this summer. let's see if i can break some of it down...

i dyed my hair red. i am not the type who generally does that sort of thing. i have kept my hair some shade of blonde since eighth grade, and that was only because my natural blonde hair was darkening. there was always something holding me back from branching out. i either had a boyfriend who had an opinion or a crush that i assumed would have an opinion...it was clear in the end that there was no one other than myself who was holding me back. so this opportunity came up and i took it, intentionally refusing to over-analyze my way out of it. i had to grieve the loss of my platinum look, but am now in love with my auburn hair. for some [if not most] people, this isn't that huge of a deal. for me, given the reasons why i had shied away from it before, this was a liberating and revolutionary decision for me. maybe that gives you a glance at all the internal battles i put myself through on a daily basis. bah.

as of yesterday, i am going up to Lost Canyon at the end of the week and staying there for a month on Summer Staff. that was yet another decision i decided to make without any safe guarantees of comfort or predictability. i just sort of made it happen, and it wasn't necessarily easy for me to do, either. i pushed through whatever i needed to in order to get my paperwork in and go through the tasks of becoming "qualified."

surface stories: Katelyn is a redhead and she's doing Summer Staff. cool.

deeper stories: Katelyn is finally abandoning her petty fears and living her life. what?

once i get back, i hope to bring you all pictures and stories and life changes of mine that can somehow impact your own life.

farewell for now. look me up in August.

man...talk about an update.

the last few months have held some of the most significant times in my life up until this point. i know that i will forever be affected by them even if i forget their specific stories.

firstly, i became an aunt to Madelyn Elizabeth Delster. i have to be honest; all throughout Emily's pregnancy i was focused on how she was doing rather than the baby inside of her. i was appropriately excited to be an aunt, but i figured the excitement would increase once the baby was actually here. that day came on June 18th around 3pm, and i was shocked at how little of a difference holding that newborn baby in my arms made. sure, she was precious and i reluctantly gave her up when my turn to hold her was over, but i felt that way about all new babies when i held them. i didn't cry, i didn't become a new person, and i wasn't necessarily more happy either; my sister seemed to be doing worse after the pregnancy than throughout labor. i felt like she got in a bad car accident rather than had an amazing moment in her life, and what made me almost angry was that at one point, no one seemed to care how Emily was doing because they were facing the other way making baby noises at Maddy. i almost regretted becoming an aunt because of the toll it was taking on my sister. once i realized how uncommon [at least to my knowledge] my feelings were, i tried to evaluate what was going on inside of me or lack thereof; why does Maddy still seem like a surreal concept that i am emotionally detached from? why am i frustrated and discontent? why can't i find my role as an aunt in my heart?

i'm still answering these questions, but i have generally come to the conclusion that my love for Maddy is going to grow through quality time, just like most of my love grows. also, i am pretty much positive Emily would've gone through this process for as long as she needed to in order to have had Maddy, so i can be at peace with how she is doing as well in all of this.

so that was one pretty huge development in my life. another one was the realization of how horrible i am at conflict resolution; and even deeper than that, how emotionally distant i keep myself from the people i love. i have brokenness in places that i had never realized, so i am beginning the process of a painful recovery in that area.

this next significant part of my life is something that is both humorous and serious. it helps me stay level-headed and healthy in one of the hardest areas in my life to control myself in: what do you think? men. i know i am not alone in the struggles i have had with mulling endlessly over the way a guy is acting toward me. even if i am not interested in the guy at all, i tend to analyze the guy's every move and word to try to get inside their head and figure out their intentions. it goes further than that, but this is not the time or place to be vulnerable and open about such things! anyway, with some help from the movie He's Just Not That Into You, it has dawned on me that if a guy wants to ask me out, chances are he'll ask me out. i don't agree with generalizing a personality type for all guys or all girls, and therefore don't mean to say that shy guys don't exist or aren't manly. but when it comes to the type of guy i personally am looking for, directness and a sense of drive are both important. so in my case, the right guy will most likely be the pursuing type in all areas of life, therefore fitting into the type of guy that the movie was basically talking about.

you'd think it would suck to realize that certain guys were never that interested, but it is so incredibly liberating. you can move on with your life and do your thing until a guy comes around who considers you worth the effort of pursuit. and the more i think about it, the more i would hate actually being with a guy who didn't mean what he said and had all these hidden meanings in his words like i thought he did when i was cracking the code of whether he liked me or not. i'd rather just be friends with a bunch of honest and direct guys while remaining single forever than have to put up with encrypted conversations in some dysfunctional relationship.

i'm not trying to preach about guys being the leaders and wearing the pants in relationships and what not. i am actually quite feminist about relationship/gender roles. all i am trying to shed light on is how guys generally work, and that seems to naturally involve pursuit on their part. this isn't true in every case, but for me personally, i know it will be. and that's why it's such a significant discovery for me. :)

that's all i have energy to write about with some quality for now. i hope this is turning out to be a special summer for all of you as well.

adios.

a shove mistaken for a push.

at this point in time, the majority of my friends are either in semi-serious relationships or are engaged.

my sister is having a baby.

my friends' sisters are having babies.

people are moving away permanently.

people are graduating college.

some, if not all, of these things will most likely come my way in time, and this is not a "what about me?" pity party blog. but for awhile i did indeed feel like i was waiting for a delayed flight at the airport of life while others were happily boarding their planes. i knew God assigned every flight with intricate intentions and for so long it was a daily difficulty to swallow the reality of waiting for the desires God has gardened in my soul; such things as genuine and fierce love, purposeful travel, and accomplishing hard-reaching [academic] goals.

but then this weekend happened, and it happened in a strange way with strange people. i probably shouldn't talk about Friday too much, but there were a few experiences that incorporated my past and my future in a humorous way.

Saturday started out with a great wedding, and the Blair, Missy, and i found ourselves at the Biltmore Fashion Center afterward. as we were walking around, Missy and i both started getting some serious aches in our knees since it was humid and we'd hurt them in the past. my knee felt like it was going to collapse on itself if i put too much pressure on it. at one point we were about to use stairs to get to the second story of Borders and i had genuine fear about doing so because of my knee. that's when i realized...I AM GETTING OLD!! only older people are scared of using stairs for such reasons!! and i sort of flipped out on the inside and wondered how much worse it is going to be when i am legitimately older. sure, after not walking on my knee so much and using my knee brace, it didn't hurt so bad. but still...i am twenty-years-old...i should be able to run and bend and fly without hurting or breaking, right? oh how mortal the body becomes. then while changing in a dressing room i realized that i am not as skinny as i used to be, which says a lot about where my metabolism is going. whoopee.

okay, so Sunday [yesterday] is the day of this past weekend that really stood out to me the most. church happened, which did what it seems to be doing more and more lately; point me in a different direction than it is heading as a whole. not to say that they are on a wrong path, but their focuses in ministry are no longer mine, and it would be a disservice to them and to God for me to force myself into what they are trying to do. so that dealt with my thoughts of the future some.
and then the same thing happened when i was hanging out after church and just so happened to look over at the group of people i spent the majority of my life in high school with. seriously, when i wasn't at school, i was with these guys. i probably got four hours of sleep on average a night because these crazy kids would stay up and live off of QT drinks and video games. i loved each of them dearly in unique and special ways and i would not be who i am today without the love and the frustration and the hard times i have been through with them. they will always have a special place in my heart. so i looked over at them and realized...with a WHACK feeling...that they are still the same as they were six years ago, whereas i would not consider myself anywhere near who i was back then. they are also still friends with one another and no one [except significant others] has entered that circle, whereas the entirety of my social circle has flipped upside down and will never be the same as it was even two years ago. how did this make me feel? it made me feel like i am swimming with the current of time and of life while others seem to ignore it or stick close to the shore where it is safe. sometimes it is not pleasant and i feel like i have no roots or plans or distinct destinations, but good grief, i'm GOING somewhere! and on purpose! again, thoughts that showed me where i have come and where my future leads.
after church was a leadership appreciation party that was at a house in Litchfield Park, where i grew up. before i went there i drove around my elementary school neighborhood for the first time and couldn't keep a smile off of my face. i used to ride my bike anywhere and everywhere from my house...to school, to the park, and to the cool lake right beside the park. my friends all lived in the same neighborhood so i was rarely ever alone without wanting to be. i was so free. my childhood was sort of awesome for a time. there has been a lot of development in that area since the ten years ago that i moved away, but "Old Litchfield Road" still has most of its charm left in my eyes. as i was driving around and thinking about all that has happened to my life to bring me to where i am today, the first thing that came to my mind was "God, what in the world are You doing?" because there was so much drastic change in so many odd ways in my life and it didn't seem to point in one specific direction. the immediate answer He seemed to give was along the lines of "I can't tell you that, but trust Me when i say that it is something." and that was enough for me. as long as He is using my life with purpose, i don't care to know the reasons behind my memories. after the leadership party, i went back to that lake with Blair and Missy and we each had our own memories of going there as a kid.

like i said, in so many ways my past and my future found each other this weekend through my eyes being opened to my present. and that is what i mean when i write that such a mental journey revealed to me how i had mistaken the forceful and purposeful rapid of time to be a gentle push into the vagueness of nowhere-in-particular. and it gave me hope that i needed.

it gave me hope to think that one day i can look back on feeling this way and praise God for such a feeling, because only in feeling this way could i get to where i will be at that point.

it gave me hope to think that every tear that i cry only adds to the waters of joy that will shower me when all is said and done and i am finally called Home.

it gave me hope to think that even in the hardest of times, my God can hold me with the warmth of faith, because He knows how He Himself has written the end of my story.

it gave me hope to think that there was hope to be had.

in some ways, i am not sure how blessed i really am in being given the eyes to see such Light, but i pray that i have been given the gift of words to relay such Light to the blind and to the numb. having said that, i pray that today's joy will whisper His name into your ear, and that you feel the penetration of Heaven's excitement for what is next in your journey.

farewell for now.

hectic days.

the majority of my free time has lately been dedicated to choosing and formatting songs that i'll be singing for worship for ASU West YoungLife's summer club. sounds easy, but it truly is not!

and then last night i went to see Flight of the Conchords with Blair for her birthday. it was phenomenal!

the first comedian ended up being a guy that is always on their show as a guy named Dave...in real life he's Arj Barker. his material was pretty funny, i suppose. but i decided i would post a video of one of my favorite clips of their show with him in it. for the more sensitive readers of mine, just know that it starts out a bit crude:



and then Bret and Jemaine went on. they talked between songs...or at least they tried to...and people kept yelling stuff at them from the audience. that part was annoying, but their responses to what they heard were actually really funny. here are a few that i distinctly remember:

some girl: take off your shirt!
Jemaine: whoa whoa...i'm pretty sure the description of this concert online where you probably purchased your tickets said something about, you know, two guys singing and telling jokes and what not...i'm not sure how you implied stripping in that description...i'm sorry to disappoint you. maybe, maybe we could get some jackets brought out to us? and then take those off?
Bret: yeah i think i could be comfortable with that.

so they got a guy to bring them jackets from their tour bus. they then proceeded to manually make this techno beat on one of the many silly instruments they had on stage and each took turns awkwardly and hilariously taking off their jacket.

and then...

some guy: David Bowie! [it's a song of their's]
Jemaine: [not hearing him correctly] did you just ask to bring out Murray? our manager on our show? you really think he's our manager?
Bret: yeah, see, the show is not a documentary. one thing that could have clued you in on that was the fact that the show features us randomly bursting into song. these sorts of things simply don't happen in reality. i don't really know why...i mean i guess we could start doing that sort of thing...but we haven't yet, and so the show still remains rather fictional.

and i might as well post one of my favorite clips of Murray on their show:



and then...

some guy: Free Bird!
Jemaine: oh that's...that's really not one of our songs...*starts playing/singing it*

he and Bret ended up doing the whole song...minus the crazy guitar solo at the end. it was way fun. there were a few times that they messed up their songs by singing the wrong verse or not remembering what comes next and that made the night even funnier. i realized that up until that night, i hadn't ever really seen them smile or laugh...not genuinely at least. it was really cool seeing that for the first time and knowing that they were probably enjoying themselves as well as the audience.

anyway, that is a very brief re-telling of last night. i should probably go practice the songs i'm planning on playing tonight for club.

have yourself a merry little Wednesday.

my people.

Tuesday was my last day of finals, so i am officially on summer break. :)

i have spent the last few days with both friends and family, making them days that i have thoroughly cherished. through such people, i have been assured by the grace and warmth of God that i have never been as alone as i have previously allowed myself to believe.

my mom and i share a very similar personality and thought process. the other night at dinner, she was mentioning something to my sister about her upcoming baby shower, and since i told my mom that i would meet with her to help plan it once i could [and hadn't done so yet], i gave her a pointed glance. right when i looked at her, she looked at me with the same exact facial expression for the same exact reason. we both burst out laughing and ended up explaining the entire thing to everyone at the table. then, when we were picking up my aunt from the airport the other night and waiting at the gate, we kept making the same people-watching observations. all i had to say was something like "hmm...that's twice now" or "you appreciating that circling effect?" and she would know exactly what i was talking about and have her own thoughts about it. the best one was when she leaned over and said "we should have worn our hats" and i looked over and saw that an old lady was hanging out by the gate with a ridiculous foam hat that looked like a cockatoo bird on her head. it was amazing/out of control/wonderful and i did my best to handle myself.

then tonight was my small group. we made and ate dinner together and shared a few stories. at one point i realized that Blair and Missy and I all had our arms and hands placed in exactly the same way; our heads were resting on our right hands while our left arms were lying flat on the table with our fingers falling over the edge. i smiled to myself and thanked God for them right then and there.

my family has a funny story about me when i was young...we were either in Alabama or Florida and we were visiting an open house at a beach house that was for sale. it was furnished and had pictures everywhere. the pictures were meant to be family photos but clearly they were of another family. so i turned to my mom and my aunt with a concerned look on my face and said quite seriously "these are NOT our people..." and it has been a story told ever since. even to this day, my family uses the term "our people" to refer to the family as a whole.

as i have grown into myself the past few years, i have begun finding my place not only in this world but in my people as well. i extend that term to include my friends along with my family. in fact, i think i can extend that term out to mean any- and everyone that seems to hear the music that i hear in this world...the echoes of its Creator. the people who have my eyes and my thoughts and my words, and yet see and think and say what i cannot myself. the people whose hearts seem to be made of the same matter as mine. i have found such people in all ages, in both genders, and with different beliefs than myself. i really do consider them to be my people and i feel especially called to serve them with my time here.

that's all for now.

short. brief. to the point. and...some other word with a similar definition.

i've been twenty for six days. they have been pleasant ones for the most part.

i recently just finished getting through the bulk of my stressful finals while simultaneously trying to plan the last YoungLife club of the semester. it was a worship night that i was both playing in and partially in charge of. bahhh it was stressful, and i ended up having to apologize to a few people for being quite impatient and snippy at them. when all was said and done though, it was an amazing night AND i felt confident about my school work. God is good.

at the moment, it is the early afternoon on a Saturday. i'm in the living room of my home sharing the couch with the beloved Cathi. she's playing mewithoutYou's Catch For Us the Foxes album on her laptop and i'm remembering what it was like to listen to them for the first time. they ignite a fire inside me that i don't feel is my own. it feels like a shared vision...a community's cry...a people's song. and i am clearly okay with it.

i have things i want to write about, but i think bringing them to God first would be wise to do before sharing them with anyone else. so it's off to my journal for now.

may today bring you the warmth that only His light provides.

on sleeplessness and misunderstanding.

...on second thought, i don't think i'll add anymore to my previous blog. i think i said all that i needed to say.

it's 2:30am and i can't sleep. i blame that partially on the fact that a song on my iPod came up on shuffle mode that i hadn't really heard before and i wanted to look up the lyrics.

i have lately been making some interesting observations on how/if/when people understand each other. it is easy to sigh and say "oh well, i'm just misunderstood" and go about finding someone to hang out with who makes you feel better about yourself. but i'm beginning to wonder if i feel misunderstood sometimes because i'm the one failing to understand the person who misunderstands me.

here's a good example of what i mean: love languages. the more you evaluate yourself in relation to them, the more you see that you give and receive love in different languages. if i felt loved most through words of affirmation and my husband expressed love best through quality time, i would feel misunderstood in that aspect unless i understood him in that aspect. i could say he doesn't understand how to love me when really i am the one misunderstanding how he loves.

clearly i am not married, so i am not speaking from experience through that example. but lately i've had talks with friends about feeling misunderstood by people. one particular friend felt like the advice she got from someone about an issue in her life was not what she needed to hear at all and it made her feel unheard and misunderstood. as a third party, i could see that the person's advice was out of concern and an attempt to help my friend out, but it was obviously done in the wrong way. and though my friend had a right to feel the way she did, she maybe could have tried to understand the way that person communicated and how it was different than her and therefore most likely misunderstood on her end as well.

this new development of thought and perspective has really enlightened the concept of mercy for me. i am beginning to see that mercy is only possible when a sense of understanding has been found...whether that is understanding the person who wronged me or understanding my God who loves them. pretty cool stuff.

i hope the month of flowers brings blossoms into your life.