The Car Accident...

i'm sure most of you know the gist of what happened yesterday, but i wanted a general recap available for everyone to be on the same page.

i was on my way to go hiking at Thunderbird Mountain going about 45mph [in a 40mph zone]. i was going east on Deer Valley Rd., about 15-20 feet from the intersection at 75th Ave. when the light turned yellow. at that short of a distance i knew i could easily make it so i decided to keep going...there wasn't anyone in the intersection when i made that decision. but as i got closer to the intersection, a 17-year-old girl in a car going west on Deer Valley rolled into the intersection from the left turn lane and attempted to turn left [south on 75th Ave.] in front of me. she must have seen me because she came to an abrupt stop about a 45 degree angle in reference to my car. at that point i was too close to her to swerve or stop in time before i hit her. so i hit the front right side of her car head on with mine.

i stayed in my car because my shoulder hurt too bad for me to move it and my legs were killing me. eventually when the EMTs came i painfully got onto a stretcher and went to Arrowhead Hospital right down the road. my mom met us there and we got in and i got x-rayed [OW!] and was finally left alone in my room with my mom for awhile. i had been teary-eyed throughout the whole thing out of shock and pain, but when the nurse told me i had a clavicle fracture [broken collar bone] i sorta lost it. my blood pressure lowered [and i already have low blood pressure] and i just got really upset and couldn't stop crying. i've never broken or sprained anything in my life so it all came at me at once. but i eventually i settled down and started relaxing [thanks to the Vicodin haha]. unfortunately i was discharged right after getting comfortable so it was a painful process getting from the bed to the wheel chair, from the wheel chair to the car, and from the car to my living room. from there it's been a matter of hanging out with friends and family, watching movies and popping pills. hahah like i said i've never been hurt like this before but it could have been so much worse and i'm thankful for the little i've had to go through.

as far as whose fault it was, the cops can't say because there were no witnesses to back up either of the drivers' stories [the other girl said the light was red...?] so neither of us were cited. but we're considering hiring an attorney to build a case to get some money from her insurance company to pay for car expenses and what not, so hopefully that works out. it's just so that i'd be able to get a new car...not to screw anyone over just because we can. all i know, being completely honest, is that the light was not red when either of us entered the intersection, and she had to have seen me because she stopped a third of a way into her turn [probably freaking out]. if this had somehow been my fault, i'd say it. but it wasn't. and all my family needs is financial help in getting a new car for me, so i'm not afraid to make sure that happens.

also, it's been overwhelming seeing how many people love and care about me through this whole ordeal. i've never felt so incredibly loved by so many people. :)

count your blessings, friends. they're precious...including the perfect weather outside right now!! enjoy it for me.

love you all.

hey remember that one Saturday night i was home with nothing to do?

mmm...yep.

it's been a good week though. i've talked with people older and wiser than i about things i've been constantly mulling over in my mind and i've been given some great direction.

the desire to travel is surfacing in my heart again, and India finds me once more. Global Expeditions is going there again [at least this year], so i think it's time to actually start planning something realistic for next summer. and hey, if interning at Lost Canyon doesn't work out this summer, it could be that i'll be going there in a matter of months. God can do whatever He wants.

with this desire to travel is the slow and steady realization that i don't want to get married anytime soon. having so many of my friends get married in the white dresses with the colorful bridesmaids and the cute grooms put me in a pouty mood when it came to romance, and i felt crazy left out. some of my friends honestly didn't seem ready for it at all, so i wondered what my problem was that made me so inadequate for it. and it's now hitting me...i'm not inadequate for it right now, but IT is inadequate for ME right now. hahah i'm not saying i'm better than my married friends, i'm just saying it is clearly not in my near future and therefore i have more important things to be thinking about and pursuing in my life. i have some overseas/ministry adventures to conquer before the 'settling down' adventure begins. yet i do have to admit that i still tend to stare at diamond rings and wedding dresses and could probably plan my wedding in a month with all the thought i've already put into it.

for another day...

love ya kids. :)

oh-so-much!

a lot has happened the past week and a half or so...at least in my heart.

first off, in a crazy way God freed me from a heaviness in my heart that i thought i'd carry for the rest of my life...i'd already been carrying it for years now. it was a guilt and a doubt and an unexplainable longing for something that i knew in my soul wasn't meant for me, and i can now say that i am free of it. i can't praise Him enough.

then last weekend was College Weekend, and i can honestly say that it was one of the best weekends of the semester thus far. program was phenomenal, all the students kept the energy up and owned the entire weekend...leaders didn't have to do much at all except enjoy it all with them. the speaker Don had everyone crying pretty much the entire time because of how sincere and heartfelt his words were about the love of God and how that can change lives. then there was the fact that way too many of my friends were there with me...i was overwhelmed with joy at times.

our ASU West YL club is getting better and better...our leadership team is learning how to be on the same page and is hearing the calling to a higher standard in our efforts and our time. and i sort of love the fact that most of us are only about 21-years-old. we're just kids...we live with our parents, play video games, giggle about boys, eat junk food, dot our i's with hearts, set things on fire and then oh yeah lead people to Christ and cultivate the self-discovery of our generation. hahaha God is quirky and fantastic and goofy like that.



i also saw Where the Wild Things Are last night...it's not a movie for everyone but it reminded me a lot of how it was being a kid, which wasn't always easy. the dry dialogue cracked me up and i could tell they were writing it the way kids would talk to each other. it was also just beautiful...every shot could be a photograph. so would i recommend it? well...if you still live out of your inner child or simply love kids, then definitely. if you're looking for a cool indie film with profound messages OR a movie to take kids to, then you'll probably be disappointed. it's all in what you expect.

hmm also i'm sick, and that's not okay. let's hope that ends soon.

carpe diem.

The Pre-Chorus

if my life were a song, i am entering the pre-chorus, preparing for the chorus after so many verses of trying to understand. and once the chorus comes, everything unimportant fades, the simplest and beautiful and important chords ring out while my existence is finally fulfilled and the song finally reaches its meaning.

i feel so much change coming my way, both in myself and in my surroundings. for the first time in my life, i understand why people fear all of this.

one thing about the pre-chorus is that this is the time when the minor chords come out and the energy is building toward a point unknown; if there were words, they would be emotional and frustrated and vulnerable.

this isn't the first pre-chorus i've been through, and my life has been filled to the brim of verses. i have also witnessed some beautiful choruses composed perfectly with everything leading up to it, even when i was lost in it all.

part of me hopes more than anything that at the end of it all, it will mean something.

part of me hopes more than anything that at the end of it all, it will be beautiful.

part of me hopes more than anything that at the end of it all, someone will see it.

part of me hopes more than anything that at the end of it all, someone will use it.

PEOPLE IN THE PLACE! IF YOU WANNA GET DOWN-AH!

...i be rockin', them, beats.

i'm starting to love hip hop and pop the more that Younglife forces me to listen to it. Younglife has forced me to do a lot of things in my life and i'm starting to realize that it's always for my own good. so i can't be too bitter. hah.

mmm! i have a new phone! and i'm going to start using it like a planner/organizer like a normal person would. i don't know WHY i haven't thought of doing that before. dumb.

this was the first weekend in awhile that i "manually" planned for myself...lately i've either had a trip planned or big events that i had to go to. and after tomorrow that will begin once more...i'm going to the Balloon Festival in Albuquerque next weekend and then College Weekend at Lost Canyon the weekend after that. it's been nice being able to do everyday stuff...like laundry. and cleaning. and reading.

also, i need a job. the only thing i can think of right now is a coffee shop type of thing, whether that be full-fledged Starbucks or like Barnes & Noble Starbucks status. not sure yet. but it's something that has become a necessity as of late.

hmmm i can't think of anything too thought provoking to bring up to keep you meditating for the rest of the day. i've been thinking about how i don't agree with the line drawn between what we call science and what we call art as a culture. i find science to be very artistic and beautiful and there is definitely a science to art as well. and as much as i love thinking about the two together in such a way, it saddens me to know that i will probably never be able to effectively get my point across on the matter. maybe one day i'll try.

for now, it's time for Yann Tiersen and some tea.

love!

my life vs. Life

my life in Phoenix as of September 13th, 2009 seems to be comprised of such things:

CD mixes
my Macbook
Soffes shorts
Hanes V-necks
classes/online articles
Younglife meetings/Club
parents' house/ sometimes Maddy
my phone
Cup of Noodles
Verner's ginger ale
fans on high speed due to...
heat
unstable drivers
never-ending laundry
small group
weekend after weekend either out of town or busy as eff
writing scripts
the endless fear of weight gain
baby powder
too many journals to keep up with
a barely-used guitar
books i want to read
4am Magazine
time i never spend the way i wish to

the last one i mentioned has been looming over my thoughts the most lately. sometimes i'll look back on my entire day and remember absolutely nothing significant taking place. i didn't seem to get anything done that i needed to or desired to, and for some time i didn't understand why that was. then there are times where my heart is in a completely different plane of thought and direction and i wonder whether anything i do at the moment is worth the time or the effort. i mentioned this to Tracey at my last small group, and she talked about how cracking down and just DOING what needs to be done rather than simply having intentions in that direction is something that she feels my entire generation struggles with. i realized a lot about myself that night in other ways as well...ways that i have been prideful and selfish without even being aware of it. long story short, you'll hopefully be seeing a more proactive and expressive Katelyn from now on, because the way i've been living life has barely been for anyone other than myself.

that's all for now. Leader Weekend at Lost Canyon was amazing, and i got some great tips about how to make Club even better and still remain energized to follow through with it every week.

i'm overall excited for the present and the future. i honestly see a few clouds and some darkness ahead...close enough to feel the effects of already...but i am running with no less speed and no less fervor toward Life and Love. and that direction always is, and forever will be, forward.

as always, i love you guys.

"The cure for pain is in the pain"

i knew the moment i picked up My Upmost For His Highest to use as a devotional that it would kick me in the pants. i knew it would be more relevant than i was comfortable with in my life and that i'd be tempted to put it on my bookshelf after about a week. well...yeah. i was right.

but i haven't given into my pride just yet, and there is a specific entry that i personally struggle with more than almost anything right now. maybe sharing it can bring others enlightenment on the subject as well:

God's Purpose or Mine?
We tend to think that if Jesus Christ compels us to do something and we are obedient to Him, He will lead us to great success. We should never have the thought that our dreams of success are God's purpose for us. In fact, His purpose may be exactly the opposite. We have the idea that God is leading us toward a particular end or a desired goal, but He is not. The question of whether or not we arrive at a particular goal is of little importance, and reaching it becomes merely an episode along the way. What we see as only the process of reaching a particular end, God sees as the goal itself.
[....] God is not working toward a particular finish -- His purpose is the process itself. What He desires for me is that I see "Him walking on the sea" with no shore, no success, nor goal in sight, but simply having the absolute certainty that everything is all right because I see "Him walking on the sea."
[....] God's purpose is to enable me to see that He can walk on the storms of my life right now. If we have a further goal in mind, we are not paying enough attention to the present time. However, if we realize that moment-by-moment obedience is the goal, then each moment as it comes is precious.

i'm realizing more and more that life is not about the events i fit into it or the opportunities i seize while i'm here. life isn't about goals. the purpose of life lies in the definition of life; processes, journeys, and lessons. goals only distract me from the beauty of my growth in the present.

i entitled this entry using quotes from one of my favorite bands, because growth and processes seem to go hand-in-hand with pain. and understanding pain is like trying to understand life; the cure for pain is in the pain, just as the purpose of life is in the definition of life.

just thought i'd share. time to get my Younglife on.

on Christ and Albuquerque.

first of all, i wish that my "profile picture" in this blog was one with me as a redhead, but i can't bring myself to change it. oh well.

second of all, God is out of control. always. once you finally lift both your feet off the ground and go where He takes you every minute of the day, you realize that He works in the biggest of ways through the littlest of circumstances. and sometimes those big ways are just the slightest tweak in thinking or acting, which feels small at the time but, if you stick to it, will change your entire life.

also, if nothing else has convinced me of the reality of Christ, the heart i feel inside me that is not mine has. i grow more and more capable of loving someone with an overflow of joy and seeing through their actions into the heart behind those actions. i am now willing and able to love [and therefore live] like Christ does...it's insane. i have had His eyes and His voice and His heart as my own when someone who has hurt me has looked at me in confusion and wonder as i've told them that i will never leave them or stop loving them and they are worth the struggle of being fought for like that. that is NOT Katelyn Lover...because Katelyn Lover would never let anyone in close enough to even love her, let alone hurt her. i can't say this change is less painful or more tangibly rewarding, but i can feel the significance of it with every breath i breathe into this heart.

some of those thoughts and revelations have come out of my weekend trip to Albuquerque, NM to visit some friends. the trip was decided on Wednesday, began Thursday night around 2am and ended last night around 3am. Missy, Rikki and i surprised them at UNM after their classes and then found time to hang out with them throughout the weekend. the trip consisted of such things as:

CD mixes played over and over again [if my CD player allowed].
sunrises over I-40.
going almost 90mph to get to our friends and some beds to sleep in.
planning all the ridiculous ways we could surprise them...we got pretty creative.
getting there and basically running inside to go sleep - i was shaking from being so tired!
driving to UNM, trying to find the friends, finally finding them and not surprising them as planned but surprising them nonetheless.
eating things such as cans of uncooked refried beans, Cup of Noodles, Fruit Snacks, and bananas.
only drinking water, ginger ale, or gatorade.
spooning each other awake and making each other feel awkward or uncomfortable on purpose...seriously the three of us girls reached a new level of bonding this weekend.
me packing like a retard and basically never wearing the right thing for what we did during the day.
NO ONE taking pictures...we were too busy actually having fun rather than taking pictures to prove to everyone else that we were having fun.
important and significant talks about all sorts of things.
four-wheeling, feeling the release and peace of freedom in driving them.
laying in grassy parks with closed eyes, listening to friends all around.
the evolution of new inside jokes and funny "you just had to be there" stories.
getting pulled over by d-bag cops for idiot reasons.
saying goodbye and driving home.
basically running inside to sleep again out of sheer exhaustion.
waking up happy to have gone and happy to be back.

so that's that. i love my Albuquerque friends and what they seem to teach me without even realizing it.

alright friends there is stuff i HAVE to do today before i'm in class all night. i love you dearly and wish you only the best.

a simple update and a short question.

i haven't written in awhile for a lot of reasons.

one of those reasons would be that i spent a month of my summer doing Summer Staff up at Lost Canyon. it was the best month of my life thus far and i could write for hours about how God used my job there and the people there to grow me significantly. i may eventually do that, but not for now.

another of those reasons would be that things keep changing by the hour...sometimes even by the minute...in my heart and mind. i would have to blog five times a day to keep you updated with all of that. so i've decided to simply keep all that nonsense out of here altogether and give you what may last a little longer.

here's a question i've been asking myself the past few days: a person is told to guard their heart for it is the wellspring of life (Proverbs 4:23)...but did Christ do this? i can't think of any moment in His interactions with people in which He denied them more of His heart. i never read about Him taking the safe way out of a situation so that His heart wouldn't get hurt over it. so why are we told to do so?

i may be interpreting that proverb incorrectly or even Christ's life incorrectly. or maybe the answer is that God is strong enough for that kind of love but we would be crushed under its weight if we did not guard ourselves. i don't know.

i should probably continue writing the article i'm blowing off to write in here. i love you all and i'm glad to be back. :)

oh, the adventures in letting go...

this summer is out of control. or maybe, it's that i am out of control this summer. let's see if i can break some of it down...

i dyed my hair red. i am not the type who generally does that sort of thing. i have kept my hair some shade of blonde since eighth grade, and that was only because my natural blonde hair was darkening. there was always something holding me back from branching out. i either had a boyfriend who had an opinion or a crush that i assumed would have an opinion...it was clear in the end that there was no one other than myself who was holding me back. so this opportunity came up and i took it, intentionally refusing to over-analyze my way out of it. i had to grieve the loss of my platinum look, but am now in love with my auburn hair. for some [if not most] people, this isn't that huge of a deal. for me, given the reasons why i had shied away from it before, this was a liberating and revolutionary decision for me. maybe that gives you a glance at all the internal battles i put myself through on a daily basis. bah.

as of yesterday, i am going up to Lost Canyon at the end of the week and staying there for a month on Summer Staff. that was yet another decision i decided to make without any safe guarantees of comfort or predictability. i just sort of made it happen, and it wasn't necessarily easy for me to do, either. i pushed through whatever i needed to in order to get my paperwork in and go through the tasks of becoming "qualified."

surface stories: Katelyn is a redhead and she's doing Summer Staff. cool.

deeper stories: Katelyn is finally abandoning her petty fears and living her life. what?

once i get back, i hope to bring you all pictures and stories and life changes of mine that can somehow impact your own life.

farewell for now. look me up in August.