bits and pieces of progress.

i guess there's a lot i could write for an update in here!

first of all...it finally happened people...i got a job. :) i now work with my roommate Blair in a cardiologist's office. she and two other girls do medical billing and my main job is filing...sounds easy, but when you're dealing with around 45 different types of documents [which differ in format depending on who/when they are from], the job gets tedious and slow. but i honestly love it so far! it's amazing not being in retail anymore...no customers, no rushes, no weekends, no SALES...it's just me and my job that i'm allowed to do with my iPod and coffee. yes. thank you God for the best job i could've asked for at this point in my life.

as many of you already know, my parents are getting divorced. the process began during my spring break [haha] and is just doing its thing still. don't tell me you're sorry...because i'm honestly not. i don't think anyone who knows the situation is. there's a lot that goes into it, so i also ask you not to look at the situation as a stranger and decide what you think about it. would you believe me if i told you God set it up to be possible?

i'm definitely changing my major from Bachelor's in Science to Bachelor's in Arts for Psychology. i know i will never want to do research and that's what the science degree is for...if i do anything with Psych, it would be counseling. so yeah that will hopefully help me like school again and feel like i'm actually learning something for what i'm interested in doing. i'm fine with doing hard work as long as it's leading toward the goal i want in the long run. now i just have to meet with an advisor...

i need to clean my room. it's making me sad right now.

enjoy the day!

"Everything Was Beautiful and Nothing Hurt"

seems like i either have twenty people read a post of mine or no one at all. odd.

this one may not make sense. i feel like expressing a few things that i don't feel like actually explaining. love me through it.

five or six years ago marks the era in which my spirit and soul felt hospitalized, like i couldn't move without pain or overwhelming weakness. it was all i could do to push and pull air through my lungs over and over. i had no external drive to live except for the natural instincts of my body to survive. sometimes i even prayed that if God had some sort of quota to meet for giving people cancer, let it be me since i wouldn't miss a world like this anyway. i didn't want to fight the sensation that i was slowly and inevitibly drowning. depression? if we're being overly simple and vague, sure i was depressed.

then it was as if God gave me pure oxygen to breathe, in the form of His warmth and love and company. everything was beautiful and nothing hurt. love burned inside of me and the walls of my heart were etched with words and truth that remain there today, a few embers refusing to die. my "morphine" was an adventure that consumed my thoughts and time and energy and took my mind off the pain and the indifference i felt if i was left alone with my thoughts. i felt alive. so incredibly alive. and so incredibly sure of myself as well. i was healing.

but as time went by i was less and less effected by the [figurative] drug. it didn't feel real. it felt stagnant and supressing. i felt like it was holding me down from a real life. a better life. so i quit cold turkey. i was discharged from the hospital my soul was in and was sent out into the unknown. and for awhile i was excited and at peace.

for awhile. for a year.

then i started realizing how mediocre the mixture of gases i breathed felt. i missed the pure oxygen. and i also started realizing how uneventful my body's natural balance of chemicals in my body felt. i missed the morphine, even when there was no pain like before. all on my own, even with Him by my side, i felt like less of a person than i did when my heart was in that hospital room. my black and white had faded to grey...darkening so many whites in my life. my fluttering heart flatlined...seeming to be utterly useless and faulty. words can't describe how incomprehensibly remorseful and stupid and arrogant i felt for ever leaving that hospital bed or giving up on that adventure. i may as well have internally died. i was now a walking shell with nothing inside. where before i felt so much pain, i now felt nothing.

but a few things here and there brought about a heartbeat inside of me. not all was lost. different adventures offered themselves and i explored a few and thoroughly enjoyed them. i still am. i am still pushing and pulling air through my lungs...i am still alive. and i have found ways to make myself useful while i'm here.

is it wrong to be dissatisfied with a healthy and steady heartbeat? is it pretentious to look past the warm blessings right in front of me in the sunlight and lose myself in the fire that burned me so much deeper when i was in the cold and dark? can there be no fire where there is also sun?

can i not be healthiest and happiest i could ever imagine being simultaneously? do i need the hospital for the happiness? do i need the mediocrity for the health?

maybe i'm asking to have my cake and eat it too. maybe i'm asking for ice cream in a world that also requires some bitter tastes in my mouth for health. maybe i really can't have both.

maybe i dream of Heaven already.

all i know is that the air keeps coming. i must keep breathing.

and for now, i must also sleep.

sweet dreams.

farewell.

well, it happened.

four albums, three EPs and a few projects here and there later, one of the most talented and loved bands i have ever had the pleasure of listening to is breaking up.

Copeland.

my blood's musical saline when i feel weak, my ears' salve when they've been burned with lesser noise, my spirit's meadow of wild grass i've run through so many times with God.

this band has truly changed my life. they taught me about love, life, pain, hope, and faith at a time in my life when so many other things could have infected my soul for the worse. one verse into the first song of their's i ever heard and i was hooked, and have been so for seven years. seven long and happy years.

farewell, my most beloved group of musicians. never stop loving music.

i dedicate your own song to you:

"no weapon formed against me shall remain."

i can be a pretty intense person...if i'm given a hypothetical scenario or question, i think through it thoroughly and imagine every possible outcome or happenstance. including natural disasters destroying it all. :P kidding.

this intensity gains momentum when i'm given a real-life scenario, such as Younglife club. i think that's why i've been asked to be so involved in that weekly process...i think about it like crazy. but this intensity and momentum can be toxic when i'm given a difficult circumstance to overcome, because i cannot fully get over it until i've explored it thoroughly. i can't forgive it until i know all of what i'm forgiving.

sometimes it feels like too big of a mountain to climb. i think "oh, it looked smaller when it was mentioned way back then." "oh, i didn't realize there would be caves and nooks all over it that i'd have to venture into as well." "i wouldn't have to do this with someone different." "how can a person have truly separated themselves from something like this? it's HUGE!!"

sometimes i feel like that person is miles ahead of me, waiting for me to catch up and wondering what's taking me so long. "just GET OVER IT as quickly as possible for everyone's sakes. there's no reason to dwell and stay there longer than you have to." that's not a direct quote, but that's the general vibe i get.

then i feel like getting crazy bitter. "it's YOUR FAULT i'm here in the first place!!" "do you see this place? do you see how messed up it is? how can YOU have forgiven yourself of all of this if you think it's so incredibly easy for me to do so??" "feel free to find some crazy forgiveness ATHLETE who can jog this thing as quickly and shallowly as you clearly prefer, and i'll leave. sorry for wasting your time."

enter: Jesus

hahahahahahahah. i'm messed up. i just laugh at myself.

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death.

Romans 8:1

For those whom He foreknew He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom He predestined He also called, and those whom He called He also justified, and those whom He justified He also glorified.

Romans 8:29-30

He can move the mountains, and He did. He was there when this person was building this particular one, dirt pile after dirt pile, year after year. He was there when this person dug out those caves and nooks to hide even more so from Him. and He was there to destroy it when this person's heart for Him could not be dammed anymore. He released the floodgates of His love and created a new life on the foundation of justice and glory, which He had predestined and called from the very beginning.

that's why this person wonders why i'm wandering around on this mountain that doesn't exist anymore. they may have some scars and stories from it, proving that it did exist at one point, but all that's left are rocks and dust that the wind has swept away, only to be learned from for the better.

like i said, i can be a pretty intense person. you tell me there was a mountain, i'll form it in my mind and take a tour until i know it fully. God has used this metasystem of thoughts for His glory, but it is not appropriate in every single situation. it is not appropriate when i am meant to trust His judgment and forgiveness on a mountain that He knows fully. it is not appropriate when the person i see in front of me now has virtually no mountains in their way and no intention of ever making one again; when the person i see in front of me has been set free and made new.

this had been eating away at me, emotionally draining me and distancing me from those whom God has powerfully placed in my life.

but if i fight back, not with my own understanding but with the sword of His Word, no weapon formed against me shall remain.

God is my victory.

mm.

a profoundly new chapter of my life is beginning.

i assume it's with the same bittersweetness that a person has when they have an arm or a leg surgically amputated. keeping it would've eventually led to death, and it could no longer add to their quality of life [only lessen it], but losing it feels instinctively wrong. it leaves a hole in the person's soul, regardless of how necessary its removal was. a new way of living is inevitable.

i pray to God that i'm ready for it.

You will be my wings.

i should use more visuals in my blogs...they're fun to see in everyone else's blogs.

so. on a lighter note than my last blog, this has been in my head for the past few months off and on, and i feel like sharing it. it's a kid's movie love song that probably every girl my age has seen and owned at some point...

yay. so like i said the love song in it that is the foundation for almost every other song in the movie is one that i've always loved for its unique melody and wonderful imagery. yes, i thought of these things even as a seven-year-old with blonde bedhead watching the movie at 6am on a Saturday morning. for those who can't recall it from memory, enjoy...

yay again. well i don't love this song because it's the most realistic or romantic thing i've ever heard...if it were to actually be sung between two people, i'd probably throw up. i love it because this song actually IS a reality for me, and it has been for nine years strong now.

He captured my heart and i was brought to my shaking knees in awe and wonder. i didn't understand a love like that...how could every dream, wish, and passion i had be satisfied by a single source in a single moment. all i knew was that i had discovered both a treasure and a mystery i had no intention of throwing away, and almost a decade later i've barely comprehended the surface area of the surface, let alone scratched it.

nine years...hard to believe. some days He was the air i breathed, other days i'd blown Him off for some boy with pretty eyes. sometimes it was all i could do not to explode with joy, other times i questioned whether He really ever loved me at all, or i, Him. but here we are. He and i. though my human condition sends me all over the place with emotions and mindsets and circumstances, i have been ruined by His love. for the rest of my life, i have no choice but to run towards it or fight against it; for it is there regardless of my actions. and i'm running hard.

but who wouldn't run toward such a life?

Let Me be your wings

Let Me be your only Love

Let Me take you far beyond the stars

Let Me be your wings

Let Me lift you high above

Everything we're dreaming of will soon be ours

Anything that you desire, anything at all

Every day I'll take you higher, and I'll never let you fall

Let Me be your wings

Leave behind the world you know

For another world of wondrous things

We'll see the universe and dance on Saturn's rings

Fly with Me and I will be your wings

Anything that you desire, anything at all

Every day I'll take you higher, and I'll never let you fall

[You will be my wings] Let Me be your wings

[You will be my only Love] Get ready for another world of wondrous things

[Wondrous things are sure to happen]

We'll see the universe and dance on Saturn's rings

Heaven isn't too far [Heaven is where You are]

Stay with Me, and let Me be your wings

welcome to my life. not my dream, not my prayer, but the reality i am living in every day i am given. i pray that it is yours as well.

bed time. can't wait for His songs in my ear. :)

home alone + stomach ache = hi, 2:30am. oh, you brought along conviction? fantastic, welcome.

i haven't stayed up this late in a long time with that "just because i can" attitude that once ruled my weekends and summer breaks. a few blogs here and there have come out of sleepless nights.

i forgot how thoughts just sort of "eek out" when it's late. daily life's not around to monitor what comes out of my brain. but i don't feel like apologizing for that since you're choosing to read this voluntarily.

what else can i write that could possibly be silenced with the sunrise?

here's something. i'm not going to be scared of my music anymore. i don't care if it's amateur, simplistic, or downright bad. i don't care if i can name off fifty people within a fifty-mile radius who can sing better than me. i don't care if fifty THOUSAND people in this state alone can play guitar better than me. i've lived my life caring, comparing, and compromising over this. and i can't do it anymore.

God put music inside of me. NO, that doesn't mean i simply have a deep respect for other people's music. NO, that doesn't mean i have been mentally or physically writing songs that seem to prophetically come to me in specific words and chords. NO, that doesn't mean i obnoxiously sing or play whenever i get a chance so that the spotlight is on me.

i live my life by the definitions of music. get it?

marriage is finding your harmony. don't find someone too close or too distant...you'll either clash or be in completely different keys.

looking out the window in a driving car is a song. the distant movements, like mountains, are the foundational and basic rhythms that define the pace and the tone. the not-so-distant objects moving faster are the chords adding color, and the immediate objects you can barely see whizzing by are the melodies stringing the chords together.

my faith is the key of my life's song. all kinds of chords come and go, but every action i take should be relative to the key. no key = no foundation.

my emotions are chords. different notes and strings...different circumstances...come together to create them, and sometimes there are particular notes that define the entire chord as either major or minor...particular circumstances that make me happy or sad. focus on the notes that will continue on into the next chord. focus on the circumstances that surpass emotions.

music has rules, so long as it is called music. it is not relative, it is not subjective, it is not optional. though there are relative and subjective and optional avenues through which one moves through music, there are fundamental rules that cannot be compromised. such is life.

a song is a life. there are specific verses that come and go, build-up points, and repetitive choruses that tell of who we are and why we're here. the specific words are based on our actions.

are you getting my point? music is literally my life. if i sound angry, don't take it personally. i just don't understand why it has taken so long for me to realize that this is not a pass time, this is not a talent, this is not lust for fame or attention or compliments.

this, is, my, calling.

we are all stewards of our spiritual and practical gifts, and i have done a lousy job at harvesting this particular one of mine. i have learned music for my own pleasure, performed it when it was convenient, and gave up on writing whenever it got too odious or intimidating. i have lived for myself. lately God has literally FORCED me to sing and play for Him...people have pursued me endlessly to glorify Him through music and i have done so as a favor and not as a ministry. every single time...every SINGLE time i have done so, i have had people either asking me to play for another event as well or asking me when [not if, when] i'm going to record so that they can buy my EP.

i remember years ago giving up on this. i was staring rejection and failure in the face and i forfeited without a second thought. but my Jesus never lets go that easily. He has sought me out and refuses to allow for shadows to hide my face from Him any longer. i have given Him my leadership abilities, my relationships, my attitude, and my will to live.

but i haven't given Him my music. He reveals it inside of me everyday and i refuse to think "too much of it" or "get too full of myself" to the point of feeling called "to make something of myself" because of it. THAT would be the selfish and lustful thing to do, right?

hah. my selfishness is in all of my securities. my lust is in guaranteeing my FULL knowledge of what's coming next in life. music wipes both of those slates clean.

now, this isn't the very first revelation to the fact that i need to focus on music more. sorry friends, i know you were hoping to be the witnesses to some crazy life change in Katelyn on a very early Friday morning. i've been feeling this for months. but this is the first time i've "said it out loud" to anyone but my small group, and i feel like it's time. it's time to start holding myself publicly accountable to my calling. it isn't going to be simple, straightforward, easy, or even fun. i may personally hate every song that i write down.

but praise God for direction, even if it leads to fearful places and obstacles taunting for a fight. praise be to the Whisper given to desperate ears in their time of need. praise be to the God of my music.

don't get too hasty...this is particularly a long road. but for the first time, i am actually walking it.

sup cutestblogontheblock.com?

i felt it was time to make my blog pretty and cute. gotta give the people what they want!

let's see. lately...

i've been looking for a job, and for awhile i was dead set on living out of a refrigerator box if need be to get out of retail. an office job sounded perfect...answering phones, working with the same people everyday, NOT selling anything to anyone sounded perfect, and i'd thought i'd found that job at a retirement insurance office called Valic. the job title was "Appointment Setter/ Administrative Assistant." i would set up appointments between clients and insurance agents, manage calendars, process paperwork and forms, and doing other administrative things. it starts at $10 an hour and is part-time and offers a flexible schedule Monday through Friday. i sent in my resume about two weeks ago and can see my application status online, which for now is "Considering." hey, can't complain about that.

but then i started talking to my friend Brandon, who works at REI (an amazing recreational store). it's retail, but he had nothing but awesome things to say about his managers and the customers...not to mention the awesome discount on the best quality of outdoor clothing and equipment. apparently if Brandon refers me to his manager, i am guaranteed an interview and most likely a job. i'd start out at the register at $8.55 an hour but can get promoted easily based on performance. they're also really flexible apparently with scheduling and i'd never get scheduled when i say i'm not available (which has ALWAYS been an issue in the past).

what i'm worried about is facing the possibility of choosing one or the other. they both have their own pros and cons, and i'm not one to choose solely based on the money. but i'll cross that bridge when i come to it.

lately i've also been helping Chad out with working his way to the job he wants, which for now is an EMT for an ambulance company like Southwest Ambulance. i've helped him write his resume and also an essay about himself and why he's qualified for the job and what not. sometimes i pretend to make a big deal about it like i'm his slaved assistant, but i really do enjoy being able to help him achieve such a significant goal in his life, and the fact that he trusts me with so much of that process. pretty flattering. :)

i've been making a mental list of all the things i'm going to buy once i have money. here are a few...

• all the seasons of Lost, The Office, and Flight of the Conchords
• blue Vans. they're just too cute.
• the cords i'd need to record music onto Garage Band...can't keep ALL of it in the memory bank!
• canvases and paint...it's sort of addicting.
• groceries...GOOD groceries

that's it for now. time to watch Lost online. :)

it's all in the little things.

here are some things that make me pretty darn happy at the moment! this is all assuming that Jesus, my friends, family, and boyfriend are on the top already. :)

• my school - it's cute with quality, haha. it's also QUIET! it was meant for students with my personality, clearly.
• the fact that the Walmart by Chad's house sells Mexican Coke! that means it's made with sugar and not corn syrup...it is much better than Pepsi's "Throwback" attempt, that's for sure.
• the puppies in my life - i have FIVE that i see on a continual basis. the three goobers i live with, the majestic Buddy at my parents' house, and Chad's sweet old puppy Chaos. dogs warm my heart in ways that i can't explain. :)
• my Mac - it's the cutest piece of technology ever.
• YOUNGLIFE - the ministry that continues to change and challenge my heart. i think i may have to do it for the rest of my life.
• my red American Apparel hoodie...you know, the one everyone has in some shade of a ridiculous color. i know this won't be my last one.
• skinny jeans - specifically from American Eagle. it's just the right ratio of denim to spandex that makes it not too tight but not too stretchy. i notice these things.
• Starbucks music, including the noises and voices that mix into it all around the store. i could probably go to sleep listening to a recording of an hour's worth of Starbucks sounds.
• hand sanitizer.
• salt and vinegar chips.
• blogs. :)
• the combination of aviators and Rainbow flip flops...it spices up whatever i'm wearing.
• scarves, because they do the same thing.
• Tracey Beal's house. it inspires me to never stop decorating!
• my cowboy boots. sometimes i feel like they complete me. :P
• the fact that i have Southern roots...it's a culture that i am always proud to be part of, especially MY Southern family. :D
• the way an iced chai never gets old.
• the way a tuned strum on a guitar seems to light up the air in a room, bringing to attention all the beautiful waves we live in that we generally disregard.
• curling up into a ball either in a chair or in the car and being perfectly comfortable. not everyone has that luxury.
• album art on my iPod.
• college-ruled paper...and a good pen for it!
• the way people move for each other on any sort of walk way. the person is thirty feet ahead of you and they're already turning to their right/left to give you more room.
• Biology! my three classes dealing with biology and the medical field are to blame for this...the fact that we are composed of very physical substances doing very physical activities rather than being a hollow shell of spiritual fluids we call "life"...it shows me more and more the thought, effort, and care that God put into my simple existence. no one can compare.
• duets. i miss those.
• the timeless sound of a grand piano.
• the fact that no matter what the economy is like, latest fashion looks like, or latest music sounds like, there will still be weddings and birthdays. life will go on.
• the healing power of writing something down.
• the fact that there's always a beach waiting for me when i need it.
• road trips...especially the really uncomfortable and cheap ones.
• the thought of going on a date with God to Colorado for five days again this year. :D
• my baby niece and her adorable way of figuring out life.
• my older sister learning things that i can learn from too.
• the unspoken sense of humor that i share with my brother.
• sharing a house with some of the most rare and precious girls/women i know, who know no fear in ways that i have always been afraid of. but i think they learn from where i am strong and have no fear as well. :)
• good movies...like, GOOD. the directors who are trying to speak to the world, not just entertain it.
• the way the majority of people around me agreed with me this morning that today was a hoodie day.
• Philosophy and the way it gets my blood pumping through my brain...the tangly and complicated issues that never have simple answers, and knowing at the end of the day that i don't have to know the answer.
• rain, and the way it changes the entire city.
• the way God has opened my eyes to the simple pleasures of life, allowing me to have a list this long of happy things and being not even close to finished with it!

but i'll spare you all any more of that. i've been asked before why i am so happy...how i can find hope in the midst of a seemingly tragic situation. the funny thing about that is the fact that i generally feel like a not-exactly-happy and rather hopeless person...the people closest to me have seen that. and if i were Katelyn through and through, that's all anyone would see, because that's who Katelyn is. but God so loved my soul that He gave me His one and only Son, that if i let His heart become mine, i would be free from sorrow and feel the hope that is to be had no matter what is thrown into my life. that list is a list of opened eyes, a list of fighting off defeating thoughts, a list of life. they are the littlest of things that, if appreciated, satisfy some of the biggest desires the heart can have.

life is beautiful whether you notice it or not. why wouldn't you want to?

when in Starbucks...

i have some time to blog between classes, and i suppose there's enough to talk about to make it worth the effort. :P

i'm enjoying a mix of completely new artists to my ears at the moment, compliments of my fellow musical enthusiast Blair. it compliments the calm and contemplative vibe that permeates the entirety of ASU West...specifically the campus Starbucks I frequent quite often this semester. i LOVE it.

well i got an email saying my internship application [you know...the one i was flipping out about in my last blog] was transferred to Woodleaf [in Northern California] because Lost Canyon was apparently overloaded with intern applications for Ropes this year. this definitely changes things...because Woodleaf is 14 hours away. i would be completely cut off from my life here if i went...i would miss my niece's first birthday, i would definitely NEVER see Chad, and i would have to make several other sacrifices in order to make that work. this is all assuming i was even accepted. long story short...i've been encouraged to stay open to the possibility, but everything inside of me is telling me not to pursue it anymore. do i still plan on genuinely praying about it? of course. but this is at least progress in an area of my life/future that was really breaking my heart no matter what perspective i was looking at it from. at least now i know that my dream/desire to live in my favorite place in Arizona is not going to happen. no matter what is coming up, it's time to move on from that.

sort of speaking of Chad, things on that front are just dandy. :) it's a fun thing; being in the most mature/adult relationship i've ever strived for, and yet one of the goofiest/quirkiest relationships i think any of my friends have encountered. hahah i'm okay with it! i love seeing that 23-year-old wearing all the colors of the rainbow with a harmonica around his neck and a hood over his head and knowing he is mine. and hopefully he sees me with my out-of-control hair that changes colors and my earth-toned clothes and the occasional cowboy boots and thinks the same thing. :)

this semester of classes isn't killing me like i thought it would...it's about just as much as i can take, but i'm not breaking a sweat yet. i'll have to hang out at my parents' house a lot to use their PC since my professors don't use programs that are always Mac-friendly, but the only downside of that is the drive. more family time is never a bad thing!

God is really pushing growth into my life, which seems to have been a theme of His in my life for the last year or so. He works me out, i get sore, and He works me out even more while i'm temporarily malleable. the moment life gets easier will be the moment i know i'm not really following Him...He never created us to coast through our life.

that's all for now. :) love love love.