a cripple at Your table, a cripple by Your side.

i am currently staying the night at Blair's parents' house with a few roomies...holding down the fort until they return to their humble abode. not sure what holding down the fort actually entails, since all they have is a self-maintaining cat. but the house is large and a fun change of scenery, so i'll take it.

you ever notice how you don't really feel your heart pounding in the moment of crazy energy...it's afterward when you're lying flat on your back exhausted that you really start to feel it? that's how i'm viewing my life right now in a few ways. like i've run around and around with the single goal of feeling/knowing my heart, and once i collapse in fatigue and disappointment, there it is...pounding like crazy and making itself known.

it reminds me of what i'm learning about in my Religions class...about how God had Adam name all the animals. God didn't need to go through that process to figure out that Adam needed a partner of his own not created yet. the process was for Adam to understand this. God took him through a tour physically, mentally, and perhaps emotionally, of his surroundings and options. Adam distinguished the animals from one another and from himself, understanding step by step that he still hadn't found what he was looking for (oh U2...). once the task was completed, he understood fully that he was alone, that it was not good, and that he needed a helper. i think that must have deepened his love for Eve once he met her...comprehending her importance and her preciousness in his life.

i'm starting to understand that God uses that method of teaching in my life a lot...cracking a door open for me to see my options inside, but in the end pulling me away with the knowledge that what lies behind it is not for me. it's frustrating, heartbreaking, and exhausting, but the end result is an overwhelming satisfaction for what He reveals as His true will for me. now, being only 21 entails not a whole lot of "final conclusions" of His being revealed yet, but i am so thankful that He is opening my eyes to this process. i am so thankful that He allows me to feel my heart beating once i finally stop emotionally running around like a maniac...i am learning that it is known and felt the most when i have calmed and quieted my soul.

1am. it is time.

sweet dreams my reader friends.

but a certain sign of grace is this...

thank you all for giving me such encouraging feedback on my previous blog. it took hours to write and literally all of my strength, but God is blessing me with some insight into what He's doing with it. thank you for your kind words in helping with that insight.

life has been completely and utterly spectacular.

it's like God is speeding up time and growing me up/out by the hour. i'm more attune to the things that truly resound with my spirit and less so with the things i've always sorta kept around for no reason.

i'm a nut-case, and it surprises me that that surprises people. it also makes me sad. WHYYYY can't i show that side of me more? i think it may be a focus thing...i have too much focus. when i'm at leader meetings, it's all about THE MISSION and OUR PURPOSE and THE PLAN. at work it's I NEED TO GO FASTER and HAVE A GOOD ATTITUDE and LEARN HOW TO HELP MORE. at school it's APPLY THIS TO YOUR LIFE and STUDY THIS THE RIGHT WAY and MAKE GOOD GRADES.

the only place i feel like i am free of imposed purpose is my house. hence the ridiculousness such as this [hope it works!]:

http://www.facebook.com/#!/profile.php?id=100001574580106&v=wall&story_fbid=440121571359

i feel the moment i step through that front door that i am unconditionally wanted and accepted. i have been through every mood on the planet with these people and they still want me around with no complaints or desires of change.

and if you knew how LITTLE i was paying for rent, your brain would implode. :)

this is part of the growing process; learning who/what will stick around as the seasons of my life change. i'm starting to catch the patterns in their character, how i feel when i am with them, and what God does with them.

who can be talking about something in their life and have that inspire me to want Jesus more?

who can show THEIR mood spectrum in full and still be instinctively lovable to me?

who am i myself around without even thinking, because they bring it out in me on their own?

i've found a few of these precious friendships, and precious they are indeed. and though i am in no way pursuing romance at the moment, this song makes me smile when i ask those questions to myself. i hope that one day i'll be able and willing to sing this song to someone...



hmmm what else. well, a lot else. but not for now! :P

love you all. over and out.

"Servant and King, rescued the world...this is our God."

here's some news coming straight to you. no grapevines, no inferences, no secrets needed. because i don't want any chapter of my life to be treated like it never happened and we should just forget about it and move on. this deserves the spotlight for now, so i'll let it have that.

Chad and I have mutually decided to go our separate ways.

the word 'mutual' was true to its definition...we talked for four hours in his room, and when i left he hugged me goodbye and asked that i text him when i got home to make sure i got home safe. we both said how we felt, we both cried, and somehow we both fit a few silly comments into the conversation as well, making each other smile.

here's the honest truth: the wound is still bleeding. and at least for me, you can see that in how i have a constant flow of water coming out of my eyes. it reminds me of when i got a stomach virus that made me throw up whenever i moved or consumed anything, even when i didn't have anything in my body to throw up...at this point i think i'm working off of reserve water storage in my body because the crying never ends.

here's the honest truth: this is the hardest break-up i've ever had to go through, because i am healthier than i have ever been as a person. it literally took me a year to rightfully grieve my first serious relationship because i was under the emotionally-distanced impression that if it didn't work out then it's not worth remembering. my second serious relationship had a little less grieving, because the situation surrounding it distracted me from doing so. that one took close to three years to get to me as well. but this one...this ending of a relationship with one of my coolest friends...met me right in the moment, and i had no choice but to live in the reality of the next step we were choosing together. i looked around his room and realized i would probably never see it again. i noticed things about it that i'd never really thought about before. when i left, i had the few things that he'd borrowed from me, like my brother's video games and my Pride & Prejudice sheet music. i'll never spend time with his family in the same way again, and i won't be going to California for Christmas with them. our last kiss was a small peck on the lips four days ago while i was leaving and he was falling asleep in his room. our little inside jokes will probably never be brought up again, either because it's too soon or we will forget them. all of these things and more met me in our conversation, and i knew i was saying goodbye to more than just a relationship status. i was saying goodbye to a present and future life.

here's the honest truth: this is the right decision. not because Chad was a crappy boyfriend or because i was a crappy girlfriend. not because either of us have someone else in mind. not because we don't love each other. it comes down to the fact that who we were made to be by God as people are not fully expressed or brought out when we're together, and we both feel the need to be slightly different persons in order to make each other truly happy with the relationship. it's because in nine months of being together, neither of us were sure beyond a shadow of a doubt that we were in love. i'm being outright with you/the world because those feelings are not wrong or shameful to have. they are the aftermath of a genuine and raw relationship between human beings who love God more than themselves and each another, and will follow His voice wherever that leads. and His voice led both of our hearts to this decision.

here's the honest truth: Chad made no mistake choosing me, or i him. God has done wonders inside of me through us. He taught me how to forgive, to wait, and to rely on Him more than my flesh, just to name a few. maybe He taught others something through us as well. neither of us feel that we wasted the last nine months of our lives with each other. they were good, and we gave them to God, and He used them. this is just another path for both of us to take now. so i will take up the few things i own in this world, with all the things being with Chad has taught me, and i will begin the journey forward.


here's the honest truth: we will be okay. not only that, we will be wonderful and satisfied at the end of our days. because God has prosperous plans for us, not meant to harm. i know with everything inside of me that Chad was in no way dependent on me for his relationship with God, and i'm sure he knows the same goes for me. though i have seen faiths crash and burn when the storms hit, i know Chad's heart to be fortified with the truth that Christ's footsteps are the only ones worth following, and he will not fall away from their path. nor shall i.

here's the honest truth: if you haven't caught on already, i am flat-on-my-back in love with Jesus. He is all that keeps me from becoming undone. He brings me to life. He turns my heart of cold stone into a hot pulsing muscle that has a significant purpose, that feels what must be felt even when i can barely breathe from the pain. He makes me beautiful. He puts nothing to waste. He redeems the violent, the cruel, the wretched. He calls the silent to speak, the shy to sing, the somber to dance. He calls everything inside of me to come forth, to be free, to either be pruned or to be used.

here's the honest truth: i am devastated by my circumstances.

here's the honest truth: i am rejoicing with joy in the Truth that transcends my circumstances.

that's all i can handle right now. i think i need to have some alone time with Him on a mountain top for awhile.

i love you all. thank you for sharing your lives with me.

life's like this.

no really, in junior high and some of high school i truly thought life was like this. or should be like this.



living the dream, i truly thought she was.

life was about breaking the rules that old cautious farts made up to stay comfortable.

life was about wearing whatever i wanted to wear, and for a long while, it distinctly resembled Avril Lavigne's tomboy skater apparel.

life was about doing what i wanted.

thankfully for me, what i wanted to do wasn't all that dangerous or immoral. but the point is this: life was about shaking up the world and laughing at the horror/shock/appalled looks on their faces at the mere thought of such a change.

i hear that desire in teens' words to this day. they want change. they want adventure. they want action and emotion and satisfaction from this life, and they refuse to wait for it. so they vandalize property and throw candy at people in theaters. so they dramatize their lives and talk behind each others' backs. so they idolize sex and assume that it determines all things because it is the ultimate source of physical and emotional pleasure.

they do their best to make their lives meaningful in a way that makes sense to them.

i totally get that.

but those are all very wrong fuels for a very right flame.

all i know is that i serve an adventurous, missionary, purposeful, and satisfying God who calls for a lifestyle of change.

and i know, with everything that i am, that life should be like this:



i highly doubt sex is that awesome.

bedtime.

God's uncomfortable calling.

i'm getting stir-crazy a lot lately.

i'll be sitting somewhere and think "i need to do something! i need...i need...i need to go somewhere! i need...i need...i need to live my life and get things rolling!"

then i usually clean or contemplate ways i can live a more recreational life (buying a bike, hiking more, rock climbing, eating better, etc) and imagine myself doing things that i think are cool, like traveling and getting my hands dirty in something that makes a difference.

but i feel like God is calling me to something specific. something soon.

the first thing i think of is my music. i've been working a little more on it but i always find reasons to put it off. "oh i can't, my roommates will get annoyed," when in reality they say they all get quiet and listen whenever they hear me playing my guitar and singing with the door shut, AND Missy always makes a point of being wherever i'm going to be doing worship. "well, i don't have some huge message that i feel the need to share with the world through music," that's the stupidest one of all. are you kidding? you don't have anything to say or give to a hurting, dying, festering, suffocating world? you're an idiot (i can get a little rude with myself). "i'm not good enough...i'm not talented enough to deserve people listening to me," this is the one that gets me the most. what if i put everything i've got into something that people breeze on by? they might thing it's nice or creative for a few seconds, but in the end i haven't made a dent in anything or anyone. here's the real fear: fear of failure. here's the real lacking: lacking in trusting the sovereignty of God's will.

one thing that has resounded with me the most from going to Pure Heart is Pastor Dan saying, "we're not called to win, but we're called to die trying."

ouch.

but a good ouch. a healthy ouch. a God ouch.

i know i was made for this. i know it. i know God created me shy and introverted in order to push me into the spotlight with a microphone, because i would only be willing to do so with the right intentions. it could only be for His will.

and with that, i'm off to write.

i'll try to blog again soon. :)

oh hey!

i have had ZERO time to blog this entire summer. even now i could be doing homework that is due by the end of the week. blahhhhh.

it's been a time of crazy growth. i feel like i'm a "growing-up"...not quite grown though. :P i've had huge leaps forward in boundaries, communication, overall relationships, and who i am in the midst of all that. here are a few things that have been affirmed about myself [and not always in pleasant ways]:

i am creative in everything that i do. it is very difficult for me to enter into a system of doing things and not try to add my own spin to it. i love structure and consistency, but i always find myself expanding on structural foundations and trying to make what is in front of me something bigger and better than it was yesterday.

i am a natural leader. i take things upon myself to achieve, quite literally without thinking about it. this also goes along with my creativity...i can't help but want to put a little "me" in what i do and in what i participate in. i can't thank God enough for giving me THE best leadership team in probably the entire valley to express this in. i never thought i'd say it, but...

i love working as a team. i love the give-and-take, the honest feedback, and the hard work that produces something for the bettering of the world in some way. i have Younglife as a whole to thank for this. the last two years of leading in several types of teams along with Summer Staff for a month showed me that this is how we were made to live in everything that we do. even romance is a team effort man.

i am out of control. this doesn't mean i have ADHD. i probably have one of THE steadiest levels of energy known to man, haha. this means that my ideas know no bounds, and combined with my creativity and developing leadership skills, i can get somewhat unstoppable when i have a distinct vision in my mind. despite my last name, i can be a serious fighter if i need to be for what i believe needs to happen.

disrespect severely pisses me off. this sucks because life is full of "get over it" moments that MUST be handled correctly if i want to be Christ-like in all that i do. because even Jesus was disrespected. you just can't get around it.

hmm anything else? yes, a lot more else. but it is late and i need to sleep if tomorrow's goals are to be accomplished. sorry it's been so long, friendlies. until next time...

Katelyn's Favorite Things

here are a few things that have made me all girlishly happy as of late. :)

Bath and Body Works Aromatherapy line... specifically the Stress Relief scent. i'd use it for body wash if i could.

Yankee candles...i LOVE how they come in different shapes and sizes and then last forever.

Etsy can be addicting for some online window shopping...people are so creative and cute!

since a natural tanning session would give me tomato-red skin and probably cancer [yay crappy skin genes], i have no choice but to use the fake stuff. Xen is supposed to be awesome though and i can't wait to afford it. :P

french lace...i am DETERMINED to have my future wedding dress completely covered in it. even if that means making it myself! which could be both really stressful and crazy fun.

vinyl wall decals. they're either awesome or a disaster. i may try them out one day...

jars. don't ask. i just love them.

i want one i want one i want one i want one i want one!

William Blake's Agony in the Garden...i love both this specific painting and the fact that i'm taking Art History over the summer. i get to learn what makes art so valuable and precious. yay.

that's all for now...someone tell me how to post pictures on my blog so that the entire picture is showing. blahhh.

time to Sunday it up. see yaaaaa.

i don't want to make You small.

a few recent turn of events had me crying in my room earlier today, and i wasn't sure what the big deal was. yeah, i didn't get the internship at Lost Canyon for the summer. yeah, my new job kept me from going on the Colorado trip this week. why the tears?

then the "oh i get it" moment arrived...

i am angry/terrified at the thought of God's will for my life being boring, not as beautiful as i want it to be, and/or lacking in significance.

so dumb. but alas, emotions are emotions and they need to come out.

so we talked about it, me and Jesus. i gave Him every example i could think of as to how my life could be everything both of us want it to be, and then all the examples i could think of that could potentially get in the way of that. i visualized myself living a stagnant life and realizing too late that i'd done nothing useful with it. i visualized myself getting trapped in the stuff every American deals with...eating like crap, going into debt, creating a dysfunctional marriage and family.

i would rather live alone in the woods my entire life than end up with a life like that.

then another "oh i get it" moment came [thanks Jesus]...

life never just "ends up" a certain way, and nothing is wasted of it. my God is a God of purpose, and i have been invited into that on the foundation of faith.

the thing about faith is that it's hard to have even when it's invested in the Master of the universe...and we're called to also have faith in one another.

logical/cold/rational Katelyn inside me gives a big "BAHAHAHA GOOD LUCK WITH THAT" at that one. she has seen the long, dark, painful road of all sorts of "teamwork" and would rather not end up with other people's problems on her hands.

then Jesus gives me that distinct Jesus look and i realize that that's exactly what he did for the world. gahhhhhh i can't even GRASP that.

anyway.

i showed Jesus the kind of life i wanted. i used assumptions and inferences to determine its awesomeness for my life and did my best to convince Jesus of it. this isn't the first time i've tried to do this. "Jesus, do you SEE what's in front of me right now?!?! are you missing this?!?! why isn't this thing in my life the way i want it to be?!" and he calms me down and says "yeah i see it. in fact i see it alongside plenty of other things you don't have the eyes to see just yet. trust me...move along." and after much pouting and stomping, i do. am i a seven-year-old walking past store windows and wanting everything i see inside? guilty.

well knowing Who's in charge, i trust that my life will be exciting, beautiful, and significant in ways that i can't fathom yet. those ways will most likely never be on my own terms or grounds, and i'll probably have to LEARN how to enjoy them rather than effortlessly loving them.

because that's life. that's walking with God. that's growing, and i hope to grow up until i die.

needless to say, JJ Heller's "Small" is my song for the day. go see what it does for you.

night loves.

roots and wings please??

at first i thought i didn't really have anything to write about, but then WHOAAA thought after thought flooded my mind and i decided it was blogging time for some of them. maybe all of them. we'll see how far i get until i'm asleep...

i spent the weekend in California with Chad and his family, and it was so much fun! not in a "fairly tolerable, if i dare say" sort of way [compliments to Mr. Darcy for the wonderful quote], but in a real enjoyable way that brought me closer to both Chad and his family. i saw the ways he and his dad are similar in their carefree and goofy [yet entirely aware and competent] lifestyles and the way his mom is both strong and sensitive toward those around her. plus i got to meet the entirety of his dad's side of the family and they're all awesome in their own ways. i feel like i could have a great and intellectual conversation with his cousin Drew, laugh my heart out with his uncle Troy or have a ridiculous girls night with his mom and aunts. it was such a blessing being invited into a family's rare everyone-together experiences like that and i'll be forever thankful for it. :)

we got to go to the beach for a little bit on Saturday, and i felt so incredibly at home. the smell, the everlasting salty breeze, the constant echo of the waves on the soft sand...i could spend forever in that moment. i grew up on the east coast beaches, but the west coast has its own special place in my heart too.

and with that, i progress into my next subject...i am incredibly torn when it comes to the type of place i want to grow up in or raise my children in. there's the Southeast, the Southwest, and the Northwest that specifically call out to me.

the Southeast...or should i say the South...is my emotional-childhood home. the humidity and the front porches and the lazy accents make up my sanctuary. one of my favorite things to do is to visit my family there and go back to where i came from. things don't change much there, and i love it that way. it's safe that way.

then there's the Southwest, which is my physical-childhood home. i went to elementary school and high school [and now college] here. sometimes it feels like the perfect home to have...almost any type of American landscape and weather is within a six-hour drive. Phoenix offers the perks of a fast-paced and competitive city while its suburbs stay fairly quiet and comfortable. it's pretty moderate when it comes to the distribution of political views...no one's voice is stifled. the summers can feel like death but that just leads to more water park weekends and pool parties. you never feel like you're missing out on life. that's not even mentioning Colorado and its staggering beauty and glory.

and then there's the Northwest, which is the area my soul truly does resonate with. the grey and rainy skies keep the coffee shops nice and toasty and the musicians contemplative in their song-writing. though fairly liberal, its occupants challenge the mind and free the spirit through leading by example..."Keep Portland Weird" is a great bumper sticker to describe what i mean by this. the clothes, the music, the weather, the culture...it's me to the Nth degree. if i moved there i'd be tempted to never come back.

i want a beach house in California...a cabin in Flagstaff...an apartment in Seattle...a three-bedroom house in Phoenix and a beach house/cabin combo in Florida or the Carolinas. i want it all. and that's just America...i want to be in Northern Europe with a hint of everything else as well. i want the world to be my house.

i know God intends to have me settle down...everything points to it. but where? where it's safe? where it's fun and lively? where it's beautiful? where i feel like everyone else is like me? where i can find a job or a house? where my husband wants to go? where my family is?

sometimes i feel like my heart's too big. it has too many aspects of desire and love. oh and also, this is where synesthesia sucks, because every place has its colors and i have to live with not only the place but those colors as well for the rest of my life. what if i don't want orange around that long? what if blue gets too mundane?

this is probably the most selfish blog of all time, and i am fully aware that any decision i make like this one once i get married will be a team effort and two-person conclusion. but it's still a trip to think about how much i love and want for a home. i'm not one to assume "oh i'll just stay here" and make it happen. yeah right. i couldn't be like that even if i tried.

but i know Who's in charge at the end of the day, so i'll take His cues and go from there.

hmmm what else...oh yeah. my sister wrote a blog about sex and it was really great. she made a joke about the fact that not many people have waited until marriage for it [which was in no way judgemental], and it made me think about the fact that i live in one of the rarest houses i've ever heard of. first of all, a house full of five unmarried girls in their twenties would be an abomination less than a century ago. second of all, the fact that the majority of us have genuinely loved Jesus 85% of our lives and have not had sex [with plenty of opportunities, since we're not ogres] makes us even more of a conundrum. take tonight for example...four of us spent the summer night together in a candlelit backyard, with the Village soundtrack playing, and with hookah and beer. i can hardly name five other people i know of who'd naturally do all of those things at the same time, to a responsible extent, and then also love Jesus with us. we're the girls who love action movies just as much as romantic comedies, who listen to Blindside and Iron & Wine and Kelly Clarkson all in the same playlist, who wear dangly earrings and chucks, and who have a serious affinity for colors and movie soundtracks. we are the irony and humor of God Himself in female form to challenge the way society thinks. welcome. two of us are still single and we're goin' by fast. :P

i think i'll hate myself if i don't try to sleep at this point. sweet dreams America.

an eclectic assortment of words.

i guess i have enough thoughts for a blog.

i think the thing about dying that makes life look so beautiful is the absence of chronology in your memories...all you think of are the laughs, the smiles, the heart flutters you've had in one big mess of recollections. suddenly the layers collide into a masterpiece of depth and feeling that surpass the difficult and the painful times. in fact, the tapestry is even more beautiful with the darker shades to accentuate the light.

it all makes sense, it's all understandable...it was all okay all along.

you don't have to be dying to see life this way. that's an extreme example. i know there have been experiences and circumstances that felt like bamboo chutes under my fingernails the entire time and had me before God everyday with a "what the hell are You doing?!" type of expression on my face. but now that they've passed, i can look back on most of them and think "you know...it had its beauty" and be satisfied with the fact that it happened. not wishing for it to return, but happy that i got the chance to experience it.

maybe that's what it means to live life with no regrets...respecting the past for what it is and not dwelling on the fact that the present and the future are going to look different now. i am learning to trust God not only with each stage of my life, but also how and when the transitions between stages come to pass. and also my state of mind in the midst of it all.

on a slightly different note, i'm learning what it means to live like Jesus without actually trying to be Jesus. Jesus, who can be everything to everyone, both a Rock and alive, both human and divine, both grace and justice, both servant and shepherd. nice.

it's like we're all ants and God is an adult person. He becomes an ant and sees that we have puny brains and only know how to use five words for communication. so He uses those words as best as He can to portray meaning and purpose that transcend those five simple words beyond imagination. then tells us to follow Him.

so do we hang on to those five words we understand? do we imitate and preach those five words with all that is inside of us? or are we called to seek that transcending meaning and purpose somehow...reach past those words? reach past our puny brain? are we ants called to a human's comprehension?

i just know that i'm coming up against situations that Jesus could handle and i can't. Jesus could be that shoulder to cry on when mine would shatter under the pressure. Jesus can love without defenses and defend without walls. Jesus can be her way, can be his truth, can be their life. i know what Jesus can do and would do. He uses words my ant brain can't fathom. but what am i to do with Him inside of me? i am still an ant. i still have limits. i am still both mortal and flawed. i can't handle all of who He is.

unless i can, somehow.

like i said, i'm learning.

on another different and much lighter note! i recommend this adorable movie:

i saw it in IMAX 3D with my friends for part of my 21st birthday celebration and it made me very happy inside. it's another one of those kids movies that has enough humor to be for an older audience as well. watch it if you want some cheering up. :)

and yes, i DID drink on my big 2-1 extravaganza. a WHOLE beer! hahah i would've [responsibly] had more, but Yardhouse is quite expensive [$6.25 a beer?! i'm sorry?!?!] and i'd only gotten about six hours of sleep the night before, making me tired to begin with and then even more relaxed with food and beer. my friends were tired too, so i decided i'd wait for a more convenient time to really do my taste testing and alcohol education. :P overall, it was a very fun/funny/happy/silly time with my dearest of friends. score for me.

alright it's bed time. until we meet again...