"because i have a voice!"

i am on the cusp of discovering a hidden cave of potential inside of me. i know it, and others know it. i know it will change everything.

therefore, this movie came into my life at the perfect time...The King's Speech


it is a beautiful movie (clearly) about rising to the occasion and embracing the greatness that was meant for you. going through the excruciating process of facing yourself over and over, pushing through fear and weakness. i completely related to the king's short temper and "can't do it" attitude about the whole thing. i also love that it didn't have a perfect ending where he got over his obstacles perfectly and they were never an issue again; rather, he simply chose to not give up on himself. he chose the struggle instead of choosing to live a lesser life.

i definitely plan on seeing it again. you should too.

class time. later. :)

Come ye sinners, poor and needy.

these are the days when i feel like i really have something to give to God.

not my gifts or talents. those are already His, for He made them.

not my words or thoughts. He knew them before i had the brain to even create them.

my something to give is myself.

that's not to say my body, or even my soul. what's left if not any of those, you ask?

think of it [work with me] as oil that secretes through the skin. the residue of the flesh. the aftermath of the human condition.

i can give Him my interpretations of my experiences. sounds a lot like 'thoughts,' but thoughts are more instinctual and impulsive by definition. interpretations involve a higher consciousness, you could say.

i can give Him all the wedding/marriage/love dreams i instantly foster when i meet a great guy.

i can give Him the plans i silently organize in my mind to make my career look just the way i want it to.

i can give Him every false premise i have attempted to stand on in order to justify drastic means for beauty.

i can give Him the conclusions i make about myself and others after each and every musical session i partake in.

in those ways, i can give Him my interpretations of my experiences.

sometimes i let them accumulate. i let them sit around in my mind, so that i can stare at them when i crave a shot of happiness or peace. they become false hopes to which my heart clings.

come ye sinners, poor and needy
weak and wounded, sick and sore
Jesus ready, stands to save you
full of pity, love and power

then i get to a point like the one i'm at right now. i realize that such hopes let my heart drown rather than breathe. they are not hopes at all, but bars on a cage. i am not free to indulge in them, but am a slave to their taunts and their expectations.

come ye thirsty, come and welcome
God's free bounty, glorify
true belief and true repentance
every grace that brings you nigh

i barely have the strength to find in my heart a place where i feel i can meet with Him. i try my best to make it worthy of His presence. He always finds a way to meet me right where i'm at, catching me off guard and uncomfortably in the moment.

come ye weary, heavy-laden
bruised and broken by the fall
if you tarry until you're better
you will never come at all

and there we are, with all those secretive interpretations and clever ideas of mine right where we both can see them. i can't take my eyes off of them, not out of a residual desire but out of shame. they define me. they so evidently show the contrast between who i am and who stands before me. they reveal my petty, selfish, and glutenous nature when i am called to bigger and better things. they show the dirt i've scrubbed into my skin rather than the water i am offered.

i am given a choice. cage or freedom. dirt or water. my way or His way. and so with broken legs, i find a way to run to Him.

i will arise and go to Jesus
He will embrace me in His arms
and in the arms of my dear Savior
there are ten thousand charms

thank you Jesus for saving me from myself.

she is juniper and roses, she is amethyst and pearl.

here are a few changes coming my way...some are exciting, some not so much.

Tay is moving out in four days...going back to Tennessee. she's crazy excited and feels at peace with the decision, so like a good friend i'm happy for her. but still...lame. Guffey, thank you for introducing me to fashion i never thought i'd like, and inspiring me to have fun in ways that make me look like a fool. let's keep singing together. :)


Missy's getting married in five months. yeah okay. the entire house has done their best to soak in what that means and how things will change. it hit me the most when David thanked me for a gift that i got her. it was a bathing suit. he had absolutely nothing to do with it. but he thanked me because it made her happy. SURE. it takes some processing here and there when the changing of the times surfaces in unexpected ways, but Missy is the happiest i've ever seen her, and in some aspects, this parting of ways has led to a depth in our friendship we didn't have before. Watkins, turning into a Lauck doesn't change the fact that i can take you down when you deserve it. or that we look better together. or that this will always be your fam:


here's a more exciting venture coming my way, given that everything falls into place how i wish. i may spend my summer in Europe. specifically...

London, England.

Dublin, Ireland.
and Edinburgh, Scotland.

six weeks of traveling while finishing up college? please. :) i still have to work out the practicalities and finances, but i'm putting my mind to making this happen. it's time for a little more world in my life.

time for one of the last PörchLyfe sessions before Tay leaves. shisha and incense on the screened-in patio...go!

love. :)

i open at the close.

this is a blog that may take awhile, but it needs to happen.

ladies and gentlemen, my journey through Harry Potter...


it began in fifth grade as i was browsing through the little Scholastic Book Fair pamphlet that you always get the week before the fair. typical pickin's of Captain Underpants, Junie B. Jones and calendars. then that colorful cover with an intriguing name caught my eye. i had no idea what it was or what i was getting myself into, but i had to have it. i B-lined for it at the Book Fair and my mom bought it for me. it was the only thing i got, and i began reading it that night. since i was your average ten-year-old, i made silly mistakes of thinking things like Dumbledore's name was actually "Doubledoor" and that the entire thing took place in America (how was i supposed to know where Kings Cross Station was?). it also took a friend of mine to point out details like "people were walking around in strange colorful robes and looked like they were celebrating something" and what that could mean. so i was clearly only halfway invested, initially. but right around the time of Harry getting a mysterious letter that he wasn't allowed to open, i was hooked. i fell in love with messenger owls, school castles, and broomstick games.


i begged my mom to buy the second book for me as quickly as possible, of course. this is when Harry Potter books began to conquer every window of free time i had in elementary school. TV lost its charm, sunshine seemed so pale, and my friends seemed boring in comparison to this colorful and adventurous world. i went to school, came home and read in my room, went into the kitchen for dinner, and went back into my room to read until my bedtime. i finished this one in about three days.


once i finished Chamber of Secrets, i got frustrated with my mom for not letting me get this one as quickly as i wanted it. this meaning that she didn't drive me to Walmart at 7pm to go buy it MINUTES after finishing the previous book, but made me wait until the next day. the nerve. :) long story short, this book introduced me to plot twists, legitimate scary moments, and real character development like no other book had. i'm pretty sure this was an intense weekend read, once again being the ONLY activity i did other than eating and sleeping. and so it was; i experienced the first three years of Harry Potter's life in the last few months of the fifth grade.


ahh, the Goblet of Fire. this book is particularly special to me. around this time, the Air Force was relocating us to South Carolina. i was leaving my entire life behind...five out of eleven years, at least. it was easily the hardest thing i'd ever gone through at that point in life, and i had no idea how to cope with it. at some point in the journey, however, i was informed by my mom that my Aunt Kathy had ordered the fourth Harry Potter book for me and it was being delivered to our new house. hope at last! sure enough, when we pulled up to our new abode it was sitting right on the front porch waiting for me. i started reading it in the hotel room we were staying in while we waited for our furniture to come into town. everyone else was sleeping when i read about the gardener screaming at the sight of "baby Voldemort" and being killed. i had to stop there...too scary. but i distinctly remember lying on the floor in my empty new room reading this book. it felt like my only comfort in that weird new place. for this reason, i loved that it was bigger than a Bible...it lasted me a long while.


this is the book i remember the least of, in all honesty. i don't exactly remember where/when i read it like the others...i was moving yet again around the time it came out, so maybe i read it on the way back to AZ. not sure. but i did love how real the characters were becoming to me...how Harry gets pissed off like any teenager does, and that Umbridge was a sad and pathetic person who wanted structure and organization above human compassion. romance pops up, Harry actually leaves the school for the adventure at the end (the fact that they were all right there in the school for him was getting a little silly), and a beloved character dies. while the Goblet of Fire drastically deepened the plot of the series, this book drastically deepened the character development. i loved it for that.


as far as character development goes, this book surpasses them all. good grief. i bought this as a sixteen-year-old...i'd finally caught up to Harry's age since J.K. was taking her sweet time publishing them. :) i truly believe this book deepened my calling to psychology, because i ate up the chapters on memories of Voldemort's past and family history like they were a Thanksgiving feast. words can't describe how incredibly crucial it was/is to see that Voldemort is sick and twisted...a good thing gone wrong rather than created from an inherently bad substance. i loved how film-version of Dumbledore put it...Voldemort was a boy who made all the wrong choices. his past set him up for failure, but he walked the trail himself, even when great wizards like Dumbledore were willing to guide him into the light. i loved the truth in this book. i always love finding true characters in fantasy. also, this book lasted maybe two weeks, the last night continuing on until the sun rose. there comes to a point where you physically cannot take your eyes off of the book. a reader's high, if you will. :P needless to say, i was out of my mind excited for the seventh and final book to come into my life.


i pre-ordered this book a few months before its release date. though it was being released on a Saturday, FedEx assured me via their website that they were indeed going to have it delivered in the day it came out rather than on the Monday following. darn straight they were. i received it over the summer a few days before we vacationed to Mexico. i clearly did not mind the drive there. :) though it was not the only thing i did (since that would be rude), it took up a whole lot of sleeping time for me. i would read until i started passing out on myself and would then call it quits. i finished the book in four nights, the last night being around 2am, and i cried myself to sleep. i was eighteen. an adult. i felt like Harry Potter represented my childhood that was coming to a close, but would always be in my heart (and on paper) when i wanted to get lost in another world for awhile. the ending was beautiful and perfect. and it was time for it, in my life and in Harry's life. time to face the real, boring, grown-up world where you have to find your own adventures and find your own color. Harry Potter ended with the simple sentence of "All was well." i knew my life would end with that sentence too.


am i being melodramatic about a fiction fantasy series? i call it ascribing meaning. :P i feel like God uses little pictures like this one to teach me about overarching truths. Harry Potter is a book series that greatly influenced my childhood and is therefore worth remembering, just like childhood itself. Harry's journey through discovering deeper and more complex forms of magic over time paralleled my discoveries of deeper and more complex ways of looking at life. Harry facing death over and over again in more penetrating ways as time progressed paralleled pain coming into my life over and over in deeper ways. we grew up together. and i hope to keep my books in a good enough condition to be able to hand them down to my kids when it's time for them to start growing up too.

that's all. :)

a cripple at Your table, a cripple by Your side.

i am currently staying the night at Blair's parents' house with a few roomies...holding down the fort until they return to their humble abode. not sure what holding down the fort actually entails, since all they have is a self-maintaining cat. but the house is large and a fun change of scenery, so i'll take it.

you ever notice how you don't really feel your heart pounding in the moment of crazy energy...it's afterward when you're lying flat on your back exhausted that you really start to feel it? that's how i'm viewing my life right now in a few ways. like i've run around and around with the single goal of feeling/knowing my heart, and once i collapse in fatigue and disappointment, there it is...pounding like crazy and making itself known.

it reminds me of what i'm learning about in my Religions class...about how God had Adam name all the animals. God didn't need to go through that process to figure out that Adam needed a partner of his own not created yet. the process was for Adam to understand this. God took him through a tour physically, mentally, and perhaps emotionally, of his surroundings and options. Adam distinguished the animals from one another and from himself, understanding step by step that he still hadn't found what he was looking for (oh U2...). once the task was completed, he understood fully that he was alone, that it was not good, and that he needed a helper. i think that must have deepened his love for Eve once he met her...comprehending her importance and her preciousness in his life.

i'm starting to understand that God uses that method of teaching in my life a lot...cracking a door open for me to see my options inside, but in the end pulling me away with the knowledge that what lies behind it is not for me. it's frustrating, heartbreaking, and exhausting, but the end result is an overwhelming satisfaction for what He reveals as His true will for me. now, being only 21 entails not a whole lot of "final conclusions" of His being revealed yet, but i am so thankful that He is opening my eyes to this process. i am so thankful that He allows me to feel my heart beating once i finally stop emotionally running around like a maniac...i am learning that it is known and felt the most when i have calmed and quieted my soul.

1am. it is time.

sweet dreams my reader friends.

but a certain sign of grace is this...

thank you all for giving me such encouraging feedback on my previous blog. it took hours to write and literally all of my strength, but God is blessing me with some insight into what He's doing with it. thank you for your kind words in helping with that insight.

life has been completely and utterly spectacular.

it's like God is speeding up time and growing me up/out by the hour. i'm more attune to the things that truly resound with my spirit and less so with the things i've always sorta kept around for no reason.

i'm a nut-case, and it surprises me that that surprises people. it also makes me sad. WHYYYY can't i show that side of me more? i think it may be a focus thing...i have too much focus. when i'm at leader meetings, it's all about THE MISSION and OUR PURPOSE and THE PLAN. at work it's I NEED TO GO FASTER and HAVE A GOOD ATTITUDE and LEARN HOW TO HELP MORE. at school it's APPLY THIS TO YOUR LIFE and STUDY THIS THE RIGHT WAY and MAKE GOOD GRADES.

the only place i feel like i am free of imposed purpose is my house. hence the ridiculousness such as this [hope it works!]:

http://www.facebook.com/#!/profile.php?id=100001574580106&v=wall&story_fbid=440121571359

i feel the moment i step through that front door that i am unconditionally wanted and accepted. i have been through every mood on the planet with these people and they still want me around with no complaints or desires of change.

and if you knew how LITTLE i was paying for rent, your brain would implode. :)

this is part of the growing process; learning who/what will stick around as the seasons of my life change. i'm starting to catch the patterns in their character, how i feel when i am with them, and what God does with them.

who can be talking about something in their life and have that inspire me to want Jesus more?

who can show THEIR mood spectrum in full and still be instinctively lovable to me?

who am i myself around without even thinking, because they bring it out in me on their own?

i've found a few of these precious friendships, and precious they are indeed. and though i am in no way pursuing romance at the moment, this song makes me smile when i ask those questions to myself. i hope that one day i'll be able and willing to sing this song to someone...



hmmm what else. well, a lot else. but not for now! :P

love you all. over and out.

"Servant and King, rescued the world...this is our God."

here's some news coming straight to you. no grapevines, no inferences, no secrets needed. because i don't want any chapter of my life to be treated like it never happened and we should just forget about it and move on. this deserves the spotlight for now, so i'll let it have that.

Chad and I have mutually decided to go our separate ways.

the word 'mutual' was true to its definition...we talked for four hours in his room, and when i left he hugged me goodbye and asked that i text him when i got home to make sure i got home safe. we both said how we felt, we both cried, and somehow we both fit a few silly comments into the conversation as well, making each other smile.

here's the honest truth: the wound is still bleeding. and at least for me, you can see that in how i have a constant flow of water coming out of my eyes. it reminds me of when i got a stomach virus that made me throw up whenever i moved or consumed anything, even when i didn't have anything in my body to throw up...at this point i think i'm working off of reserve water storage in my body because the crying never ends.

here's the honest truth: this is the hardest break-up i've ever had to go through, because i am healthier than i have ever been as a person. it literally took me a year to rightfully grieve my first serious relationship because i was under the emotionally-distanced impression that if it didn't work out then it's not worth remembering. my second serious relationship had a little less grieving, because the situation surrounding it distracted me from doing so. that one took close to three years to get to me as well. but this one...this ending of a relationship with one of my coolest friends...met me right in the moment, and i had no choice but to live in the reality of the next step we were choosing together. i looked around his room and realized i would probably never see it again. i noticed things about it that i'd never really thought about before. when i left, i had the few things that he'd borrowed from me, like my brother's video games and my Pride & Prejudice sheet music. i'll never spend time with his family in the same way again, and i won't be going to California for Christmas with them. our last kiss was a small peck on the lips four days ago while i was leaving and he was falling asleep in his room. our little inside jokes will probably never be brought up again, either because it's too soon or we will forget them. all of these things and more met me in our conversation, and i knew i was saying goodbye to more than just a relationship status. i was saying goodbye to a present and future life.

here's the honest truth: this is the right decision. not because Chad was a crappy boyfriend or because i was a crappy girlfriend. not because either of us have someone else in mind. not because we don't love each other. it comes down to the fact that who we were made to be by God as people are not fully expressed or brought out when we're together, and we both feel the need to be slightly different persons in order to make each other truly happy with the relationship. it's because in nine months of being together, neither of us were sure beyond a shadow of a doubt that we were in love. i'm being outright with you/the world because those feelings are not wrong or shameful to have. they are the aftermath of a genuine and raw relationship between human beings who love God more than themselves and each another, and will follow His voice wherever that leads. and His voice led both of our hearts to this decision.

here's the honest truth: Chad made no mistake choosing me, or i him. God has done wonders inside of me through us. He taught me how to forgive, to wait, and to rely on Him more than my flesh, just to name a few. maybe He taught others something through us as well. neither of us feel that we wasted the last nine months of our lives with each other. they were good, and we gave them to God, and He used them. this is just another path for both of us to take now. so i will take up the few things i own in this world, with all the things being with Chad has taught me, and i will begin the journey forward.


here's the honest truth: we will be okay. not only that, we will be wonderful and satisfied at the end of our days. because God has prosperous plans for us, not meant to harm. i know with everything inside of me that Chad was in no way dependent on me for his relationship with God, and i'm sure he knows the same goes for me. though i have seen faiths crash and burn when the storms hit, i know Chad's heart to be fortified with the truth that Christ's footsteps are the only ones worth following, and he will not fall away from their path. nor shall i.

here's the honest truth: if you haven't caught on already, i am flat-on-my-back in love with Jesus. He is all that keeps me from becoming undone. He brings me to life. He turns my heart of cold stone into a hot pulsing muscle that has a significant purpose, that feels what must be felt even when i can barely breathe from the pain. He makes me beautiful. He puts nothing to waste. He redeems the violent, the cruel, the wretched. He calls the silent to speak, the shy to sing, the somber to dance. He calls everything inside of me to come forth, to be free, to either be pruned or to be used.

here's the honest truth: i am devastated by my circumstances.

here's the honest truth: i am rejoicing with joy in the Truth that transcends my circumstances.

that's all i can handle right now. i think i need to have some alone time with Him on a mountain top for awhile.

i love you all. thank you for sharing your lives with me.

life's like this.

no really, in junior high and some of high school i truly thought life was like this. or should be like this.



living the dream, i truly thought she was.

life was about breaking the rules that old cautious farts made up to stay comfortable.

life was about wearing whatever i wanted to wear, and for a long while, it distinctly resembled Avril Lavigne's tomboy skater apparel.

life was about doing what i wanted.

thankfully for me, what i wanted to do wasn't all that dangerous or immoral. but the point is this: life was about shaking up the world and laughing at the horror/shock/appalled looks on their faces at the mere thought of such a change.

i hear that desire in teens' words to this day. they want change. they want adventure. they want action and emotion and satisfaction from this life, and they refuse to wait for it. so they vandalize property and throw candy at people in theaters. so they dramatize their lives and talk behind each others' backs. so they idolize sex and assume that it determines all things because it is the ultimate source of physical and emotional pleasure.

they do their best to make their lives meaningful in a way that makes sense to them.

i totally get that.

but those are all very wrong fuels for a very right flame.

all i know is that i serve an adventurous, missionary, purposeful, and satisfying God who calls for a lifestyle of change.

and i know, with everything that i am, that life should be like this:



i highly doubt sex is that awesome.

bedtime.

God's uncomfortable calling.

i'm getting stir-crazy a lot lately.

i'll be sitting somewhere and think "i need to do something! i need...i need...i need to go somewhere! i need...i need...i need to live my life and get things rolling!"

then i usually clean or contemplate ways i can live a more recreational life (buying a bike, hiking more, rock climbing, eating better, etc) and imagine myself doing things that i think are cool, like traveling and getting my hands dirty in something that makes a difference.

but i feel like God is calling me to something specific. something soon.

the first thing i think of is my music. i've been working a little more on it but i always find reasons to put it off. "oh i can't, my roommates will get annoyed," when in reality they say they all get quiet and listen whenever they hear me playing my guitar and singing with the door shut, AND Missy always makes a point of being wherever i'm going to be doing worship. "well, i don't have some huge message that i feel the need to share with the world through music," that's the stupidest one of all. are you kidding? you don't have anything to say or give to a hurting, dying, festering, suffocating world? you're an idiot (i can get a little rude with myself). "i'm not good enough...i'm not talented enough to deserve people listening to me," this is the one that gets me the most. what if i put everything i've got into something that people breeze on by? they might thing it's nice or creative for a few seconds, but in the end i haven't made a dent in anything or anyone. here's the real fear: fear of failure. here's the real lacking: lacking in trusting the sovereignty of God's will.

one thing that has resounded with me the most from going to Pure Heart is Pastor Dan saying, "we're not called to win, but we're called to die trying."

ouch.

but a good ouch. a healthy ouch. a God ouch.

i know i was made for this. i know it. i know God created me shy and introverted in order to push me into the spotlight with a microphone, because i would only be willing to do so with the right intentions. it could only be for His will.

and with that, i'm off to write.

i'll try to blog again soon. :)

oh hey!

i have had ZERO time to blog this entire summer. even now i could be doing homework that is due by the end of the week. blahhhhh.

it's been a time of crazy growth. i feel like i'm a "growing-up"...not quite grown though. :P i've had huge leaps forward in boundaries, communication, overall relationships, and who i am in the midst of all that. here are a few things that have been affirmed about myself [and not always in pleasant ways]:

i am creative in everything that i do. it is very difficult for me to enter into a system of doing things and not try to add my own spin to it. i love structure and consistency, but i always find myself expanding on structural foundations and trying to make what is in front of me something bigger and better than it was yesterday.

i am a natural leader. i take things upon myself to achieve, quite literally without thinking about it. this also goes along with my creativity...i can't help but want to put a little "me" in what i do and in what i participate in. i can't thank God enough for giving me THE best leadership team in probably the entire valley to express this in. i never thought i'd say it, but...

i love working as a team. i love the give-and-take, the honest feedback, and the hard work that produces something for the bettering of the world in some way. i have Younglife as a whole to thank for this. the last two years of leading in several types of teams along with Summer Staff for a month showed me that this is how we were made to live in everything that we do. even romance is a team effort man.

i am out of control. this doesn't mean i have ADHD. i probably have one of THE steadiest levels of energy known to man, haha. this means that my ideas know no bounds, and combined with my creativity and developing leadership skills, i can get somewhat unstoppable when i have a distinct vision in my mind. despite my last name, i can be a serious fighter if i need to be for what i believe needs to happen.

disrespect severely pisses me off. this sucks because life is full of "get over it" moments that MUST be handled correctly if i want to be Christ-like in all that i do. because even Jesus was disrespected. you just can't get around it.

hmm anything else? yes, a lot more else. but it is late and i need to sleep if tomorrow's goals are to be accomplished. sorry it's been so long, friendlies. until next time...