there are a lot of subjects i feel like writing about.
first of all, i think there's something to be said for heartbreakers. i speak for myself. i've hurt enough guys in my life just by being who i am and being as young as i was when i caused them pain. i've also been on the receiving end of such pain, so i know how easy it is to feel like you were just used by a manipulative a-hole. but in reality, no one in that situation knows what they want...it's the heartbreaker who simply realizes it before the other person.
and being one who is familiar with relational pain...i can't think of anything worse than knowing that i've hurt someone because i didn't know what i wanted. i left them for something i couldn't define. i had nothing concrete to show them that it was the right decision. knowing something painful is right and then having no reassurance when all is said and done accumulates to a heavy load to carry on your heart.
another subject...i haven't been truly healthy in about a week and a half's time. there's always something my body seems to be fighting off, and never do i catch my breath when tomorrow comes...not the extent that i feel necessary.
it reminds me of something a mentor of mine once said...it went along the lines of "for some reason, i was once always waiting for things to get easier." it broke me and freed me from the thought of God holding out on me, because life isn't supposed to be easy. sure, we're meant to prosper, but since when has that been a walk in the park? anyway, somehow being sickly and not even having breathing as an easy task has led me down this mental road.
also, "Be Here Now" by Ray LaMontagne is my temporary favorite song. i plan on listening to it until i am utterly sick of it.
all the best to you.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Thursday, February 26, 2009
"Come quick, you Light that knows no evening."
i just got back from my first walk in awhile. i had forgotten how disoriented my body temperature gets...how frustrated my leg muscles get...how there's always that fear that some creeper is hiding out in the bushes...how my music always sounds a bit clearer and sweeter in my ears...and how i can be spending time with Him without saying a word.
tonight's album was mewithoutYou's Catch For Us the Foxes. just enough anger to keep me power-walking and just enough joy for me to be enjoying myself. it was a good walk and i needed it.
i had small group tonight and for the most part that was a good time, but after awhile i just felt like going home. sometimes i'm emotionally and mentally not up for it all.
so i guess it's time for some Lost and The Office. quite the combo.
later, folks.
tonight's album was mewithoutYou's Catch For Us the Foxes. just enough anger to keep me power-walking and just enough joy for me to be enjoying myself. it was a good walk and i needed it.
i had small group tonight and for the most part that was a good time, but after awhile i just felt like going home. sometimes i'm emotionally and mentally not up for it all.
so i guess it's time for some Lost and The Office. quite the combo.
later, folks.
Friday, February 20, 2009
SO excited!
i have been wanting to go overseas for a really long time, but every time i think of "overseas" i think of Africa. i do want to go there eventually, but not with all of my heart. and also when i think about mission trips, i think of either construction work, feeding people, playing with kids, and/or straightforward evangelism. i also would love to do all of those things, but they aren't my forte at all and i would feel like i couldn't really contribute much because i have never been good at those things. even playing with kids can be difficult for me.
but i recently realized that for the past year or so, God has really given me a significant draw to India. there is something about that place that makes my mouth go dry and my heart lighten, and at the same time i feel the hurt and the burden of its beautiful people and i ache for them. a few days ago i decided that i could not hide any longer from the fact that i need to go there and maybe stay there for awhile. so i decided further that i was going to put some real effort into finding my way there, even if it was just some trip to clean out their gutters. i would do what i could to the best of my ability and would love every minute of it.
so today i was exploring different ministries that went to India and found one called Heart of God Ministries. it stood out to me because it offered what is called "Ethnomusicology" which entails that after five months of training i could go with a church planting team, learn the musical styles of the people, and create worship songs for them. when i read that, i about died with joy! it is an opportunity to do what i LOVE to do more than anything in a place that i am already in love with! and all this time i thought that i would be doing something that i couldn't be good at or ever really impact anyone with. what a lie. God doesn't make someone good at X and call them to do Y. He doesn't give me a heart for His music and then send me off to build houses. He creates with purpose and planning and then fulfills those purposes and plans. i can't say that i feel 100% called to this particular opportunity, but it has at least opened my eyes to all the possibilities of ministry overseas, particularly in India.
all i ask is that you begin to pray for further information and guidance in all of this. i have the opportunity to change my life forever depending on my decisions in these next few months. i will be doing what i can to give Him control of it all.
well there's nothing left to say for me. except praise God.
but i recently realized that for the past year or so, God has really given me a significant draw to India. there is something about that place that makes my mouth go dry and my heart lighten, and at the same time i feel the hurt and the burden of its beautiful people and i ache for them. a few days ago i decided that i could not hide any longer from the fact that i need to go there and maybe stay there for awhile. so i decided further that i was going to put some real effort into finding my way there, even if it was just some trip to clean out their gutters. i would do what i could to the best of my ability and would love every minute of it.
so today i was exploring different ministries that went to India and found one called Heart of God Ministries. it stood out to me because it offered what is called "Ethnomusicology" which entails that after five months of training i could go with a church planting team, learn the musical styles of the people, and create worship songs for them. when i read that, i about died with joy! it is an opportunity to do what i LOVE to do more than anything in a place that i am already in love with! and all this time i thought that i would be doing something that i couldn't be good at or ever really impact anyone with. what a lie. God doesn't make someone good at X and call them to do Y. He doesn't give me a heart for His music and then send me off to build houses. He creates with purpose and planning and then fulfills those purposes and plans. i can't say that i feel 100% called to this particular opportunity, but it has at least opened my eyes to all the possibilities of ministry overseas, particularly in India.
all i ask is that you begin to pray for further information and guidance in all of this. i have the opportunity to change my life forever depending on my decisions in these next few months. i will be doing what i can to give Him control of it all.
well there's nothing left to say for me. except praise God.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Morning Glory.
i randomly woke up at 8:10am this morning and could do nothing to go back to sleep. i went to sleep around 2am, mind you.
i wish every morning could be this way. in fact, that's part of the reason i chose classes later in the day this semester; i wanted to enjoy my mornings. i love having so many more hours in my day and seeing shadows outside that are usually in the sunlight by the time i wake up. also, the coffee is fresh and the cheeky Good Morning America is on.
i'm starting...starting...to write my music again. i knew i was having difficulty before because i wasn't really opening up or being honest in my investment, but those were not things that i felt i could change on my own. i wish there was an Open Me switch in my heart that i could turn on and off. but alas, a person who is closed-off is usually hidden from themselves as well, and so i myself did not even know what was inside of me. if anything has shown me the mystery God has wrapped me in, it has been this journey of self-discovery. and so i suppose a better way of putting all of this would be that God has graciously and lovingly been revealing more and more of Himself to me, and in such a revelation i was only bound to discover myself as well. and therein lies my renewed motivation to create; specifically, to create music.
i was talking to my mom the other day about how, even though i ADORE my sister, i have felt the cold of her shadow as of late [which is awkward to say since she'll probably read this...hah]. i remember especially feeling it when her wedding was around the time of my first prom, and i had to pry my mom away from wedding plans to go help me pick out a dress. and she seemed to only come because Emily came along too and they could talk wedding-talk the entire time. being sixteen and self-absorbed, i was a bit perturbed. four years later and i'm feeling the same left-out feeling but without the bitterness, because even though it kind of sucks, it makes sense as to why this is the way that it is.
Emily is married, just recently moved into her first house, is now pregnant, and is starting a significant job in her life. all of those achievements took [and are still taking] hard work and allow for life-changing steps into the future. they ARE important and they ARE worth celebrating every single day. their blog is full of exciting news and updates that are totally worth reading and commenting on.
in comparison, my life up until now has been an internal journey for the most part. and that is important too, because i know that God is preparing me for a life that will take all of the mental and emotional strength that i am gaining right now. my life on the outside looks easy and healthy and consistent, but my heart has been through battles that my body could never have survived, and every smile on my face is given to me by the grace of God Himself. and so all i have to write about are things that people can't really comment on too much, and therefore pass over. my life is one yet to be visible, which can make me feel terribly lonely and lackluster and base. i don't have a husband or a house or a baby or a "real" job to live life with and through. but i hold onto the promise that God has plans of prosperity for me, and that my life can in fact be seen, even if just by His eyes for now. and so while Emily now enjoys the light and the heat of the sun, my source of heat and light comes from within, and will soon allow for the sun to stain my face just as it did for her.
hmm...what else? i've had pretty vivid dreams lately, but they're a bit too hilarious for me to take seriously. plus, i've never been one to interpret too much into dreams. God finds me in other ways.
also, over the past year now i have developed some of the deepest friendships i've ever comprehended. there are things that i do for my friends that i have only ever done with boyfriends, such as share something with someone just because i know it will make them happy, and being terribly excited to witness that happiness myself. sounds simple, but it really is a big step for me.
that is that. i love you all. go listen to some good music and learn something new about yourself.
i wish every morning could be this way. in fact, that's part of the reason i chose classes later in the day this semester; i wanted to enjoy my mornings. i love having so many more hours in my day and seeing shadows outside that are usually in the sunlight by the time i wake up. also, the coffee is fresh and the cheeky Good Morning America is on.
i'm starting...starting...to write my music again. i knew i was having difficulty before because i wasn't really opening up or being honest in my investment, but those were not things that i felt i could change on my own. i wish there was an Open Me switch in my heart that i could turn on and off. but alas, a person who is closed-off is usually hidden from themselves as well, and so i myself did not even know what was inside of me. if anything has shown me the mystery God has wrapped me in, it has been this journey of self-discovery. and so i suppose a better way of putting all of this would be that God has graciously and lovingly been revealing more and more of Himself to me, and in such a revelation i was only bound to discover myself as well. and therein lies my renewed motivation to create; specifically, to create music.
i was talking to my mom the other day about how, even though i ADORE my sister, i have felt the cold of her shadow as of late [which is awkward to say since she'll probably read this...hah]. i remember especially feeling it when her wedding was around the time of my first prom, and i had to pry my mom away from wedding plans to go help me pick out a dress. and she seemed to only come because Emily came along too and they could talk wedding-talk the entire time. being sixteen and self-absorbed, i was a bit perturbed. four years later and i'm feeling the same left-out feeling but without the bitterness, because even though it kind of sucks, it makes sense as to why this is the way that it is.
Emily is married, just recently moved into her first house, is now pregnant, and is starting a significant job in her life. all of those achievements took [and are still taking] hard work and allow for life-changing steps into the future. they ARE important and they ARE worth celebrating every single day. their blog is full of exciting news and updates that are totally worth reading and commenting on.
in comparison, my life up until now has been an internal journey for the most part. and that is important too, because i know that God is preparing me for a life that will take all of the mental and emotional strength that i am gaining right now. my life on the outside looks easy and healthy and consistent, but my heart has been through battles that my body could never have survived, and every smile on my face is given to me by the grace of God Himself. and so all i have to write about are things that people can't really comment on too much, and therefore pass over. my life is one yet to be visible, which can make me feel terribly lonely and lackluster and base. i don't have a husband or a house or a baby or a "real" job to live life with and through. but i hold onto the promise that God has plans of prosperity for me, and that my life can in fact be seen, even if just by His eyes for now. and so while Emily now enjoys the light and the heat of the sun, my source of heat and light comes from within, and will soon allow for the sun to stain my face just as it did for her.
hmm...what else? i've had pretty vivid dreams lately, but they're a bit too hilarious for me to take seriously. plus, i've never been one to interpret too much into dreams. God finds me in other ways.
also, over the past year now i have developed some of the deepest friendships i've ever comprehended. there are things that i do for my friends that i have only ever done with boyfriends, such as share something with someone just because i know it will make them happy, and being terribly excited to witness that happiness myself. sounds simple, but it really is a big step for me.
that is that. i love you all. go listen to some good music and learn something new about yourself.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
The Prophet: On Beauty
"And a poet said, Speak to us of Beauty.
And he answered:
Where shall you seek beauty, and how
shall you find her unless she herself be your
way and your guide?
And how shall you speak of her except
she be the weaver of your speech?
The aggrieved and the injured say,
'Beauty is kind and gentle.
Like a young mother half-shy of her
own glory she walks among us.'
And the passionate say, 'Nay, beauty is
a thing of might and dread.
Like the tempest she shakes the earth
beneath us and the sky above us.'
The tired and the weary say, 'Beauty is
of soft whisperings. She speaks in our spirit.
Her voice yields to our silences like a faint
light that quivers in fear of a shadow.'
But the restless say, 'We have heard her
shouting among the mountains,
And with her cries came the sound of
hoofs, and the beating of wings and the
roaring of lions.'
At night the watchmen of the city say,
'Beauty shall ride with the dawn of the east.'
And at noontide the toilers and the way-
farers say, 'We have seen her leaning over
the earth from the windows of the sunset.'
In winter say the snow-bound, 'She shall
come with the spring leaping upon the hills.'
And in the summer heat the reapers say,
'We have seen her dancing with the autumn
leaves, and we saw a drift of snow in her hair.'
All these things have you said of beauty,
Yet in truth you spoke not of her but of
needs unsatisfied,
And beauty is not a need but an ecstasy.
It is not a mouth thirsting nor an empty
hand stretched forth,
But rather a heart enflamed and a soul
enchanted.
It is not the image you would see nor the
song you would hear,
But rather an image you see though you
close your eyes and a song you hear though
you shut your ears.
It is not the sap within the furrowed bark,
nor a wing attached to a claw,
But rather a garden for ever in bloom and
a flock of angels for ever in flight.
People of Orphalese, beauty is life when
life unveils her holy face.
But you are life and you are the veil.
Beauty is eternity gazing at itself
in a mirror.
But you are eternity and you are
the mirror."
And he answered:
Where shall you seek beauty, and how
shall you find her unless she herself be your
way and your guide?
And how shall you speak of her except
she be the weaver of your speech?
The aggrieved and the injured say,
'Beauty is kind and gentle.
Like a young mother half-shy of her
own glory she walks among us.'
And the passionate say, 'Nay, beauty is
a thing of might and dread.
Like the tempest she shakes the earth
beneath us and the sky above us.'
The tired and the weary say, 'Beauty is
of soft whisperings. She speaks in our spirit.
Her voice yields to our silences like a faint
light that quivers in fear of a shadow.'
But the restless say, 'We have heard her
shouting among the mountains,
And with her cries came the sound of
hoofs, and the beating of wings and the
roaring of lions.'
At night the watchmen of the city say,
'Beauty shall ride with the dawn of the east.'
And at noontide the toilers and the way-
farers say, 'We have seen her leaning over
the earth from the windows of the sunset.'
In winter say the snow-bound, 'She shall
come with the spring leaping upon the hills.'
And in the summer heat the reapers say,
'We have seen her dancing with the autumn
leaves, and we saw a drift of snow in her hair.'
All these things have you said of beauty,
Yet in truth you spoke not of her but of
needs unsatisfied,
And beauty is not a need but an ecstasy.
It is not a mouth thirsting nor an empty
hand stretched forth,
But rather a heart enflamed and a soul
enchanted.
It is not the image you would see nor the
song you would hear,
But rather an image you see though you
close your eyes and a song you hear though
you shut your ears.
It is not the sap within the furrowed bark,
nor a wing attached to a claw,
But rather a garden for ever in bloom and
a flock of angels for ever in flight.
People of Orphalese, beauty is life when
life unveils her holy face.
But you are life and you are the veil.
Beauty is eternity gazing at itself
in a mirror.
But you are eternity and you are
the mirror."
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
well hey!
i finally have the internet back on my laptop! more late nights of writing things that make only partial sense to me in the mornings!
i've hit somewhat of a dead end with the story i'm writing. i have been needing some inspiration and stimulation for awhile, and i think i found it. :) i'm still unsure of what direction i plan on taking the story though. there are so many parts of myself that i want to weave through my words, but i'm VERY unsure of how that would be accomplished. i don't want it to read like a journal of mine.
in other news, i am pretty excited for the classes i am taking this spring. Forgiveness & Reconciliation, Applied Ethics, Developmental Psychology, and Memory & Cognition. WAY too much of the awesome ahead.
NEWS FLASH: Limewire magically started working again, so i am going to go download as much music as i can before it leaves me again! i'm like Noah from The Notebook, sucking as much out of my love as possible before she fades!
...yes, it's 2am.
i've hit somewhat of a dead end with the story i'm writing. i have been needing some inspiration and stimulation for awhile, and i think i found it. :) i'm still unsure of what direction i plan on taking the story though. there are so many parts of myself that i want to weave through my words, but i'm VERY unsure of how that would be accomplished. i don't want it to read like a journal of mine.
in other news, i am pretty excited for the classes i am taking this spring. Forgiveness & Reconciliation, Applied Ethics, Developmental Psychology, and Memory & Cognition. WAY too much of the awesome ahead.
NEWS FLASH: Limewire magically started working again, so i am going to go download as much music as i can before it leaves me again! i'm like Noah from The Notebook, sucking as much out of my love as possible before she fades!
...yes, it's 2am.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
a Christmas Special.
This is the sixth Christmas I will have spent in this house. So many different memories and circumstances…always the same holiday. I can remember all of them.
The first was only a few months after we moved here and I was a freshman in high school. I remember going to a Christmas party with the youth group from church and coming home to watch It’s a Wonderful Life with my mom. I had some infatuation with a guy and was constantly wondering what he was doing for Christmas. I remember specifically getting Yellowcard’s CD and a TI-83 calculator that year. And there were also very cute Christmas toe socks as well. I remember wearing them to my Algebra 1-2 class when I got back to school.
The second was a bit more pleasant and a little less codependent…a little. I had yet another crush on yet another guy and we were becoming really good friends. For Christmas he wrote me a three-page letter/explanation as to why I shouldn’t date in high school (I was a sophomore). It was pretty endearing and I think I read it through the Christmas Eve church service, which embarrassed him because he was right behind me and probably felt a little awkward. He came over Christmas night as well and ate Santa’s Whiskers cookies with me. Never heard of them? They are fantastic and you have yet to fully live your life. Also, I got my first digital camera as a present. It was a piece of crap but I loved it dearly.
By the third Christmas, I was dating this guy and we went to his mom’s annual/famous Christmas Eve party. I must admit I was being a brat and didn’t want to meet people or do anything besides hang out on the couch. For whatever reason, I just wasn’t socially competent by my junior year in high school. But we eventually went outside by the fire and I met his funny uncle who later said I was a hippie because of how I was dressed. I took it as a compliment. Now I’m just embarrassed. Hah.
My Christmas as a senior involved a different guy who I dated, and we went to Zoolights (a light show that the Phoenix Zoo has ever y winter). I was excited to use my new camera, which I got as an early Christmas gift. He brought a blanket that we shared while we walked around the zoo and we bought hot chocolate. It was a classic Christmas date. Everything about the kid and our relationship was classic…that’s probably why people liked it so much. It was easy to understand, and people like to understand things. And that’s also probably why I wasn’t with him by next Christmas…
Last year, my aunt and uncle spent about two weeks with us over Christmas break. it was very fun and we did a lot of things as a family. I wasn’t working and I didn’t realize that I was getting a month off of school until I looked online a few days after Christmas and saw that I didn’t go back to class until January 14th. It was a great month off of all possible work…and I think I had a faint crush on yet another individual. Boys, always! But not this year…
This year, we celebrated Christmas yesterday morning, because my dad has to work for three days straight starting today. I loved getting things for people and seeing them excited about them. I bought my brother headphones just like everyone else on the planet apparently did, but I also got him Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, which sealed the deal for a great gift. I got my sister Burt’s Bees stuff for pregnancy care and got Mike a battery charger for his Wii remotes. My dad got The Dark Knight on Blu-ray DVD, which he totally loved. I got my mom many things…including a very cute and soft sweater, a utensil caddy, and Simon Burch on DVD because she has been nonchalantly looking for it on DVD for a few years now. I got a lot of awesome stuff too! Mike was feeling bad all day and Emily got worried about if he would be able to do worship for their church’s 5:30 service. She ended up asking me and my mom to help sing with them so that Mike wouldn’t have to so much. So we got ready really quick and went over there. It was the first time the three of us have sung together and it was pretty fun. I ended up having to sing Breath of Heaven for my sister because her throat wasn’t up to it at that point, and that didn’t suck too badly either. People said I did a good job, but I know better.
Today, being Christmas day, Emily and Mike came over again and he was feeling better. We watched Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants 2 and Mike was surprised at how much it wasn’t lame. They really are good movies! He and Emily went to his parents’ house about an hour ago and I am now in my messy room filled with dirty laundry, new presents and new Christmas toe socks. Life changes so drastically and consistently…I wonder why I haven’t gotten used to it yet. Just five years ago I was codependent and antsy. Now I’m about as emotionally independent as I could get and I am far from anxiety. Not necessarily in a happily-peaceful way, but in a way that hopefully helps God pave a clear road to where He wants me to have my adventure. I feel like I’m finally single…there finally isn’t anyone else in my life that I am (whether voluntarily or not) making decisions in light of, apart from Christ. I haven’t felt this way since about fifth grade. No joke. I’ve liked someone until I liked someone else, and so it would continue. God finally and painfully broke that cycle for me, because I couldn’t on my own. Part of me thinks that this is how I’m supposed to feel my entire life. Obviously I would have to make decisions in light of my husband were I to get married, but he won’t feed me the way I have fed on my previous boyfriends and crushes. There is a pastor that said once that both he and his wife are still single, and that totally makes sense to me.
My dog Buddy likes exploring the backyard, but he only does so when someone else is outside with him. If you were to just put him outside, he would sit at the door until he was let back inside. But if you were to go outside with him and just sit down somewhere, he may hang out with you for a few seconds but would soon be off doing his own thing. Once you want to go inside, he will run to the door with you even if he’s in the middle of something very interesting to his doggy mind. Plenty of times he has wanted to go outside and when I let the door open for him he turned around expectantly to let me know that he wanted me to go too. He doesn’t want to be outside unless someone is outside with him. He did so with me today, and since it was raining I stayed out a little longer than I usually do. It wasn’t the first time that I noticed his strange desire for company outside, but it was the first time that I realized that in my heart, I have done the same thing with others. I have said before that I recently realized that I wanted someone to witness my life but not share it with me, but I had never encountered such a real and living example of it as I did with mister Buddy today. I have wanted others to come outside with me. I wanted them to be in my life. A few obliged. We spent some great and loving time together, but eventually I went off to do my own thing, wanting them to stay outside but not necessarily to interfere with what I was doing. Once they tried to contribute too much or change things too drastically, I asked them to go back inside. But I went back inside too, looking for someone else to come outside with me. I didn’t want to do “my own thing” or basically live my life without someone watching me…without someone caring. I think this is the cycle that I am breaking away from. I am realizing that I always have someone witnessing my life, and He embellishes it like no one else could. He sure does change things drastically but my trust for Him only seeps deeper in the soil of my living love for Him. Maybe someday I’ll share such a precious life with someone else who knows how to love it and add to it the way He seems fit, but for now I guess He’s the only one up for the job or capable of it.
Basically, it’s been a great Christmas. I hope you can say the same, my friendWednesday, December 24, 2008
I Celebrate the Day.
this Christmas song is one that i have listened to in my car many times this season. it has calmed my heart in the most frustrating of traffic and it has ripened the joy in an already-pleasant day. take the time to read the lyrics and apply them to your heart and your position in life right now. it couldn't hurt, right?
and with this Christmas wish is missed
the point i could convey
if only i could find the words inside to let You know
how much You've touched my life, because
here is where You're finding me:
on the exact same place as New Year's Eve
and from the lack of my persistency,
we're less than half as close as i want to be
from the first time that You opened Your eyes
did You realize that You would be my Savior?
and the first breath that left Your lips,
did You know that it would change this world forever?
from the first time that You opened Your eyes
did you realize that You would be my Savior?
and the first breath that left Your lips,
did You know that it would change this world forever?
and with this Christmas i'll compare
the things i've felt in prior years
to what this midnight made so clear:
that You have come to meet me here
to look back and think that
this baby would one day save me
and i hoped that, that You were
that You were born so i might truly live
to look back and think that
this baby would one day save me
from the first time that You opened Your eyes
did You realize that You would be my Savior?
and the first breath that left Your lips,
did You know that it would change this world forever?
from the first time that You opened Your eyes
did you realize that You would be my Savior?
and the first breath that left Your lips,
did You know that it would change this world forever?
and i, i celebrate the day
that You were born to die
so i could one day pray for You to save my life
pray for You to save my life
pray for You to save my life
Celebrate the Day - Relient K
Merry Christmas, friends.
and with this Christmas wish is missed
the point i could convey
if only i could find the words inside to let You know
how much You've touched my life, because
here is where You're finding me:
on the exact same place as New Year's Eve
and from the lack of my persistency,
we're less than half as close as i want to be
from the first time that You opened Your eyes
did You realize that You would be my Savior?
and the first breath that left Your lips,
did You know that it would change this world forever?
from the first time that You opened Your eyes
did you realize that You would be my Savior?
and the first breath that left Your lips,
did You know that it would change this world forever?
and with this Christmas i'll compare
the things i've felt in prior years
to what this midnight made so clear:
that You have come to meet me here
to look back and think that
this baby would one day save me
and i hoped that, that You were
that You were born so i might truly live
to look back and think that
this baby would one day save me
from the first time that You opened Your eyes
did You realize that You would be my Savior?
and the first breath that left Your lips,
did You know that it would change this world forever?
from the first time that You opened Your eyes
did you realize that You would be my Savior?
and the first breath that left Your lips,
did You know that it would change this world forever?
and i, i celebrate the day
that You were born to die
so i could one day pray for You to save my life
pray for You to save my life
pray for You to save my life
Celebrate the Day - Relient K
Merry Christmas, friends.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
ten feet under and upside down.
i am quite in raptures over the recent and consistent rain. i think Portland will suit me well.
i'm almost looking forward to the awkward and handicapping fear of moving to a completely new place all alone. i need to get my blood pumping over something soon. life has been dull. relaxing, but dull. all i have to write about are thoughts...thoughts that can't really be applied or helpful. and such a dull life makes my visionary side go a little haywire, leading me down imaginary paths of "hope" and "joy." it's hard to explain. to put it simply:
i'm not doing anything that i feel is doing anything. i don't know what God is waiting for. i don't know why i feel like my life has yet to start, or has yet to retain significance. it's as if my life is only meant to sow for now, and never reap. and i'm afraid that i'm just missing something in this moment, and that i will always feel this way until i have yet to be confused about how to evaluate my own life.
there are so many things that i know, that i am sure of beyond a shadow of a doubt. but i can't feel them or live in the reality of them in the slightest.
i'm not in a storm. movement and actions happen in a storm. emotions are relevant in a storm. there's something to fight against. there's motivation in a certain direction rather than another direction. no, i am not in a storm.
i must be in the deep waters below, untouched by weather or currents, where all is the same color, the same sound, the same mood. but i haven't drowned. i'm just waiting for the surface to find me again, it seems.
there is peace here, but not the sort that brings joy. it's the kind that people wish upon their loved ones that have passed on. it is indifferent and eternal non-disturbance. it is the kind that explains why a heart that never really works to pump blood dies faster than one that does.
we must have a lot to go over, You and me.
i'm almost looking forward to the awkward and handicapping fear of moving to a completely new place all alone. i need to get my blood pumping over something soon. life has been dull. relaxing, but dull. all i have to write about are thoughts...thoughts that can't really be applied or helpful. and such a dull life makes my visionary side go a little haywire, leading me down imaginary paths of "hope" and "joy." it's hard to explain. to put it simply:
i'm not doing anything that i feel is doing anything. i don't know what God is waiting for. i don't know why i feel like my life has yet to start, or has yet to retain significance. it's as if my life is only meant to sow for now, and never reap. and i'm afraid that i'm just missing something in this moment, and that i will always feel this way until i have yet to be confused about how to evaluate my own life.
there are so many things that i know, that i am sure of beyond a shadow of a doubt. but i can't feel them or live in the reality of them in the slightest.
i'm not in a storm. movement and actions happen in a storm. emotions are relevant in a storm. there's something to fight against. there's motivation in a certain direction rather than another direction. no, i am not in a storm.
i must be in the deep waters below, untouched by weather or currents, where all is the same color, the same sound, the same mood. but i haven't drowned. i'm just waiting for the surface to find me again, it seems.
there is peace here, but not the sort that brings joy. it's the kind that people wish upon their loved ones that have passed on. it is indifferent and eternal non-disturbance. it is the kind that explains why a heart that never really works to pump blood dies faster than one that does.
we must have a lot to go over, You and me.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
as of 12-16-08.
like everyone else, i seem to have found myself sick for the past week or so.
Nyquil and Vicks vapor patches have been my best buds lately.
but i'd much rather be sick and out of school than be healthy and ripping my hair out over classes.
i'm still writing, and it's still a blast.
it may be just because i've been sick, but i feel like i've been slipping away from my social circle a bit. my friends are hanging out with one another and i never seem to know about it or have the energy/time to go. i'm not getting sigificantly downcast about it or anything...it's no one's fault but my own...it's just been something that i've noticed. maybe i need some self-reflecting time before i involve my friends in this strange life of mine once more. i never really know why these things happen.
all i know is that i have loved the rain for the past few days.
hope you all have a Merry little Christmas.
Nyquil and Vicks vapor patches have been my best buds lately.
but i'd much rather be sick and out of school than be healthy and ripping my hair out over classes.
i'm still writing, and it's still a blast.
it may be just because i've been sick, but i feel like i've been slipping away from my social circle a bit. my friends are hanging out with one another and i never seem to know about it or have the energy/time to go. i'm not getting sigificantly downcast about it or anything...it's no one's fault but my own...it's just been something that i've noticed. maybe i need some self-reflecting time before i involve my friends in this strange life of mine once more. i never really know why these things happen.
all i know is that i have loved the rain for the past few days.
hope you all have a Merry little Christmas.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)