it's all in the little things.

here are some things that make me pretty darn happy at the moment! this is all assuming that Jesus, my friends, family, and boyfriend are on the top already. :)

• my school - it's cute with quality, haha. it's also QUIET! it was meant for students with my personality, clearly.
• the fact that the Walmart by Chad's house sells Mexican Coke! that means it's made with sugar and not corn syrup...it is much better than Pepsi's "Throwback" attempt, that's for sure.
• the puppies in my life - i have FIVE that i see on a continual basis. the three goobers i live with, the majestic Buddy at my parents' house, and Chad's sweet old puppy Chaos. dogs warm my heart in ways that i can't explain. :)
• my Mac - it's the cutest piece of technology ever.
• YOUNGLIFE - the ministry that continues to change and challenge my heart. i think i may have to do it for the rest of my life.
• my red American Apparel hoodie...you know, the one everyone has in some shade of a ridiculous color. i know this won't be my last one.
• skinny jeans - specifically from American Eagle. it's just the right ratio of denim to spandex that makes it not too tight but not too stretchy. i notice these things.
• Starbucks music, including the noises and voices that mix into it all around the store. i could probably go to sleep listening to a recording of an hour's worth of Starbucks sounds.
• hand sanitizer.
• salt and vinegar chips.
• blogs. :)
• the combination of aviators and Rainbow flip flops...it spices up whatever i'm wearing.
• scarves, because they do the same thing.
• Tracey Beal's house. it inspires me to never stop decorating!
• my cowboy boots. sometimes i feel like they complete me. :P
• the fact that i have Southern roots...it's a culture that i am always proud to be part of, especially MY Southern family. :D
• the way an iced chai never gets old.
• the way a tuned strum on a guitar seems to light up the air in a room, bringing to attention all the beautiful waves we live in that we generally disregard.
• curling up into a ball either in a chair or in the car and being perfectly comfortable. not everyone has that luxury.
• album art on my iPod.
• college-ruled paper...and a good pen for it!
• the way people move for each other on any sort of walk way. the person is thirty feet ahead of you and they're already turning to their right/left to give you more room.
• Biology! my three classes dealing with biology and the medical field are to blame for this...the fact that we are composed of very physical substances doing very physical activities rather than being a hollow shell of spiritual fluids we call "life"...it shows me more and more the thought, effort, and care that God put into my simple existence. no one can compare.
• duets. i miss those.
• the timeless sound of a grand piano.
• the fact that no matter what the economy is like, latest fashion looks like, or latest music sounds like, there will still be weddings and birthdays. life will go on.
• the healing power of writing something down.
• the fact that there's always a beach waiting for me when i need it.
• road trips...especially the really uncomfortable and cheap ones.
• the thought of going on a date with God to Colorado for five days again this year. :D
• my baby niece and her adorable way of figuring out life.
• my older sister learning things that i can learn from too.
• the unspoken sense of humor that i share with my brother.
• sharing a house with some of the most rare and precious girls/women i know, who know no fear in ways that i have always been afraid of. but i think they learn from where i am strong and have no fear as well. :)
• good movies...like, GOOD. the directors who are trying to speak to the world, not just entertain it.
• the way the majority of people around me agreed with me this morning that today was a hoodie day.
• Philosophy and the way it gets my blood pumping through my brain...the tangly and complicated issues that never have simple answers, and knowing at the end of the day that i don't have to know the answer.
• rain, and the way it changes the entire city.
• the way God has opened my eyes to the simple pleasures of life, allowing me to have a list this long of happy things and being not even close to finished with it!

but i'll spare you all any more of that. i've been asked before why i am so happy...how i can find hope in the midst of a seemingly tragic situation. the funny thing about that is the fact that i generally feel like a not-exactly-happy and rather hopeless person...the people closest to me have seen that. and if i were Katelyn through and through, that's all anyone would see, because that's who Katelyn is. but God so loved my soul that He gave me His one and only Son, that if i let His heart become mine, i would be free from sorrow and feel the hope that is to be had no matter what is thrown into my life. that list is a list of opened eyes, a list of fighting off defeating thoughts, a list of life. they are the littlest of things that, if appreciated, satisfy some of the biggest desires the heart can have.

life is beautiful whether you notice it or not. why wouldn't you want to?

when in Starbucks...

i have some time to blog between classes, and i suppose there's enough to talk about to make it worth the effort. :P

i'm enjoying a mix of completely new artists to my ears at the moment, compliments of my fellow musical enthusiast Blair. it compliments the calm and contemplative vibe that permeates the entirety of ASU West...specifically the campus Starbucks I frequent quite often this semester. i LOVE it.

well i got an email saying my internship application [you know...the one i was flipping out about in my last blog] was transferred to Woodleaf [in Northern California] because Lost Canyon was apparently overloaded with intern applications for Ropes this year. this definitely changes things...because Woodleaf is 14 hours away. i would be completely cut off from my life here if i went...i would miss my niece's first birthday, i would definitely NEVER see Chad, and i would have to make several other sacrifices in order to make that work. this is all assuming i was even accepted. long story short...i've been encouraged to stay open to the possibility, but everything inside of me is telling me not to pursue it anymore. do i still plan on genuinely praying about it? of course. but this is at least progress in an area of my life/future that was really breaking my heart no matter what perspective i was looking at it from. at least now i know that my dream/desire to live in my favorite place in Arizona is not going to happen. no matter what is coming up, it's time to move on from that.

sort of speaking of Chad, things on that front are just dandy. :) it's a fun thing; being in the most mature/adult relationship i've ever strived for, and yet one of the goofiest/quirkiest relationships i think any of my friends have encountered. hahah i'm okay with it! i love seeing that 23-year-old wearing all the colors of the rainbow with a harmonica around his neck and a hood over his head and knowing he is mine. and hopefully he sees me with my out-of-control hair that changes colors and my earth-toned clothes and the occasional cowboy boots and thinks the same thing. :)

this semester of classes isn't killing me like i thought it would...it's about just as much as i can take, but i'm not breaking a sweat yet. i'll have to hang out at my parents' house a lot to use their PC since my professors don't use programs that are always Mac-friendly, but the only downside of that is the drive. more family time is never a bad thing!

God is really pushing growth into my life, which seems to have been a theme of His in my life for the last year or so. He works me out, i get sore, and He works me out even more while i'm temporarily malleable. the moment life gets easier will be the moment i know i'm not really following Him...He never created us to coast through our life.

that's all for now. :) love love love.

i come to You in pieces.

i think it's safe to say i do my best in life to avoid hardship...i subconsciously associate it with consequential punishment for doing something wrong. you're poor? that's because you didn't prioritize enough to get a degree for a better job. your schedule is hectic? you should have paced yourself and not let things get backed up and overwhelming. your relationships are suffering? clean up your side of the street and if it's a relationship worth keeping, they will do the same.

i have all these answers to all of life's problems, it seems. why would a sensible and intelligent person ever find themselves in true difficulty, then?

HAH. if only life was a formula to figure out. but we are a people of formulas; our systems and rules and schedules are just part of the overall machine we build onto more and more to live through. we live on a planet of purple and green and orange and yet we put our best efforts into making everything red or blue or yellow. but i am getting ahead of myself.

i am coming up to some definite hard times. some of them are my own fault, but some of them truly are not in my control. school being ridiculous this next semester is my fault; i shouldn't have taken such jokes of semesters this last year and screwed myself over for the rest of my college life. i also should have made school more of a priority than Younglife. though that is my ministry through and through, i won't be able to do much with it in the long run if i never graduate or get the degree i feel called to.

but other hardships seem to have come up simply because this is what happens in life. like i said in the blog earlier, i can now say the coolest guy i've ever known is my boyfriend, and i thank God for him everyday. if he was any less perfect for me i would still be single, and that's because i had no intention of even finding interest in a guy for a few years. that was also something i thanked God for: the satisfaction i found in solitude, which most single women i know cannot say they feel. so in my satisfaction and excitement for my life, God revealed to me several things in my heart that He intended to fulfill.

one would be interning at Lost Canyon - the moment i met all the interns there, i knew it was an experience i wanted to be part of. Summer Staff was amazing and i could only imagine the life change that would come from interning. i can't assume God will definitely give me the internship, but i sent in my application as fast as i could and now wait for a response. here's the catch: i would be there from May 19th-ish to August 15th-ish with maybe one day off a week. this was part of the allure of the entire thing at first, but now having a boyfriend changes things. three months of our relationship [that will only be months old as it is] will be virtually apart from one another. i know this won't ruin what we have; it will most likely make us even stronger. but i am taking 17 credit hours this semester and Chad is now working full-time plus over-time six days a week...our current time together feels suffocated and sparing as it is. the fact that he lives 20 minutes away doesn't help either. he says he usually doesn't work in monsoon season and that's around the time i get out of school...so the moment we're both done for awhile with our hectic crap, i'll be peacing out to live three hours away. THREE MONTHS LATER, i'll be back...heyyy just in time for another crappy semester! hopefully Chad won't have to go back to the job he has now, but if he does, we'll then be just as busy as we were before the summer. it feels cruelly synchronized and makes me frustrated to even think about. why in the world would God lead me to both a distant place for so long AND lead me to a guy who i am clearly meant to be with at the same time?

and then there's India - i've wanted India in my life for so so long. i found out i could go there through Global Expeditions NEXT summer and i totally planned on doing so. i planned on the two-month trip, of course. anything less felt not worth it. now i feel like that would be too much to handle after this summer and the following semester. even though interning felt like it would be a leap of faith, i felt like i should run for it nonetheless. but this...i'm not feeling that way about this. i can see this being something that i should lay off of. my heart for India remains, and i pray that i can somehow find myself there for awhile. maybe as this approaches as something less than a year and a half away, my heart will change and the opportunity will present itself to be more intelligent. but for now, i am saddened to say i don't see it happening. once again...why would God call me away and call me here?

it may sound like i'm becoming rather dependent on Chad, and that i'm letting our relationship rule my life rather than God. that is not the case at all...i am simply acknowledging it as a gift and a tool of God's that He has a will and a plan for. i can't disregard it as i make decisions that threaten it, and i feel that way about the internship, school, Younglife, and India as well.

and so it is...hardship inevitably awaits me and has nothing to do with something i may have done wrong. this is life. this is being an adult. it will never get simpler or easier, but i trust my God enough to know that it will indeed get better.

i pray that i enter into a new level of hope and faith as my life proceeds from here on out, and that it may be seen and felt by all who come near me.

thanks for listening, friends. :)

i didn't want anything for Christmas...God didn't care. :)

this was another Christmas full of comfy socks and family fun. my dad was finally able to get Christmas off, so we were able to celebrate yesterday rather than Christmas Eve or even the day before like we've had to do in the past.

i don't even know where to begin with everything that has changed in my life since last year. seriously...i was perfectly content and then God felt like giving me more for some reason. life has never been as self-defining as it is this very moment.

let's start in January. i started a difficult but influential semester in school...i took classes like Applied Ethics, Developmental Psych and Forgiveness & Reconciliation and i still remember specific concepts that have re-shaped my thinking on those subjects, including how i apply my faith to them. all the while i was growing even closer to my friends and making new ones as well. the months following included six-hour studying sessions at Starbucks, late-night conversations with friends about all sorts of things, moving into the cutest and nicest and best-roommate-infested house all for the cheapest rent, hiking hiking hiking, and an all-night trip to the Grand Canyon.

once the semester was over, it was turning into a fantastic summer already. a lot of swimming action, a lot of tanning ATTEMPTS, and a whole whole lot of friends. this is also when i dyed my hair red, which i already blogged about. that was a huge deal for me, haha.

soon enough July came along and i found myself driving up to Lost Canyon to be there for an entire month...never saw that coming. it ended up being one of the coolest months of my life where God wrecked me and built me up and wrecked me some more. i think everyone can attest to the fact that i did not come home the same person and am still utterly changed from that experience. this is when i met some ridiculous people from Albuquerque that i sometimes love and sometimes hate calling my friends. :P

school began again shortly after that, and when school begins, Younglife begins. i was determined to make this a semester of Clubs to remember, and was pretty much engrossed in one thing or another during every Club to make it absolutely perfect. as i was doing so, God decided to put my life on hold with a huge car accident that banged me up pretty bad...i still have to go to physical therapy for it. but yeah totally consuming myself with making Club awesome? that's the way i roll. and because of that, i didn't notice that there were two guys who were coming to every Club from Pure Heart Christian Fellowship's college group to check out what we do and become part of it; David and Chad. somehow without my knowledge, all of my friends were becoming friends with them and some started going to their college service as well.

i never knew either of them existed until i got a Facebook friend request from Chad...i didn't recognize him or know him but he was mutually friends with all of my Younglife friends so i accepted it. the next Wednesday i ended up being able to walk JUST enough to go to Club for awhile with Missy, and at one point she randomly had Chad right next to her and said "Katelyn, you should meet Chad. i think you two would have interesting conversations." haha that's Missy for ya. so i did meet him in person and we DID have an interesting conversation...it transferred to Facebook once i left Club and soon transferred to texts which then became talking to Chad everyday about everything. we started hanging out one or two times a week annnnnnd people started noticing of course. at first i wasn't sure what to say when people asked me about it...i didn't know him REALLY well so i didn't know if he considered himself becoming friends with a girl he thought was cool or if he had more on his mind and in his heart when we hung out. and because of that, i wasn't sure how i felt either. i'm not one to willingly harbor feelings for a guy if he's not on the same page...that's just unintelligent. so a big fat "I DON'T KNOW" was given to anyone who even mentioned his name in conversation with me.

then with the help of my lovely friend Rachel Patton, i found out Chad did indeed have feelings for me. at that point i could honestly admit that i was starting to have those feelings too and got excited about it! after that we hung out more and more and people asked about it more and more and we actually talked to each other several times about where we were at and what our intentions were with this. and NOWWWWW he's my boyfriend. YAY. his side of the story is ridiculously wonderful and makes me feel even luckier to have ended up with a guy like him. :) also, i never thought i'd find a guy...let alone any other person on the planet...whose favorite band is also Copeland and whose favorite food is also seafood. random and silly, those are just a few of the things that make him pretty darn perfect for me. :) he was definitely an unexpected Christmas present that came out of nowhere and smacked me in the face with wonderfulness.

those are the highlights of my year. God did work in painful, unexpected and wonderful ways. He gives me every reason to live my life for Him.

Merry Christmas my friends. i hope your year was full of as much growth as mine was.

"this is my prayer in the harvest..."

i get to go Christmas shopping today with my mom. :) i like her a lot. and i like shopping a lot. and i like Christmas a lot. so today will be fun.

i like God a lot too, especially when i could never have predicted the stuff happening in my life that He puts there. one day i am as content with life as i could be, and the next day something amazing is right in my face that i never even allowed myself to think was COMPLETELY possible.

i've messed up so many times. i've been a "good girl" my entire life but i've messed up so, many, times. i don't deserve my parents. i don't deserve my friends. and i CERTAINLY don't deserve Christ even knowing my name, let alone caring about me, let alone loving me more than anything, let alone stepping in front of me when i should have died for my sins. i don't deserve this life. and yet God incessantly overwhelms me with blessing after blessing after blessing. i never thought i could glorify Him in so many ways. not that i always do, but i have the neverending opportunity to do so with all that He has given me.

i know it's not about "not messing up." i know this isn't a test to see how far i can get before i fail. but i can't describe how terrified i am of screwing up once again...totally tainting a gift of God's because of my human condition. i've already learned and grown in awesome ways but i can't say with full confidence that i will prevail.

i'm praying my heart out over this. for now it's time to go.

love you all. :)

and i am sure that i've not seen the Christmas lights this bright before. :D

so i've already gotten to go to Zoolights AND Glendale Glitters this year! Zoolights was my favorite as it always is, but i'm really happy that i got to do both. :D

it's raining outside. and it's cold. i'm rather okay with it.

oh and if i end up being able to go back to Berean, i found out three of my friends who worked there with me years ago are coming back too! it could be awesome for sure! and my old assistant manager is now the store manager, so that could change things up a bit and i'm excited even more! :)

this is a short one. i need to do homework.

until next time! :)

oh winter. :)

i think i might stay in my leggings and hoodie and headband and look like an 80s aerobic instructor all day. it's too comfortable not to.

other than that, life could only get better if i could hike! once i can do that...i'm not sure how i'll handle the joy. hah. as far as healing is concerned, i am virtually functioning like a normal person but some stuff still hurts to do and i can't be on my ankle or knee for too terribly long. all i care about is being able to walk again! and i can! God is too awesome. :)

as the fall semester of Younglife comes to a close, i'm starting to do an overall debriefing of how clubs went in my mind. we just recently had a little brainstorming time about big changes we can/should make for next semester and i'm interested to see how those play out. sometimes it feels like a code to crack or a puzzle to assemble...i feel like there is a crucial concept that we are all aware of but haven't quite harnessed or applied yet. with all that it is really easy to lose sight of my fellow leaders, the students we're reaching, and the One who's making this happen for His own glory. yeah...i need to really work on being more people-oriented than project-oriented, it seems. but i AM so proud of the work we've all put into this ministry as an offering of our best quality to Him. we've all worked so hard and He's worked so amazingly through us. :D

hmm i can't think of anything else to say except that i LOVE Christmas and i pray so hard that i'll get a job in time to buy everyone i love something, because giving people things is my favorite. :) i'd seriously do it all year long but people would get uncomfortable and awkward, unfortunately. so i wait until Christmas to shower them with things. yay. speaking of Christmas, it's coming alive in my house this very moment! all the smells and the music and the lights...i think i might have to do Zoolights this year because of how happy it always makes me. and i get to wear my jackets and scarves. YAY.

that's enough for now. time to live in the moments i write about.

ALWAYS, i love you friends!

We are sheep.

i have a lot on my mind. thoughts of philosophy, psychology, habits, fears, truth, myself, others...i have no idea where to start.

let's start with this one: no one should ever think they know the will of God beyond a shadow of a doubt. that level of pride makes me sick to my stomach. am i suggesting God does not direct our path, and in that way show us His will for our lives? no i'm not saying that at all. i'm saying that even when we think we have the clearest of revelations, the strongest of callings, the utmost of urges in any direction, we must be humble enough to realize that we are only human. it very well may be what God wants, and it very well may not be. the human body is mysterious in how it responds to the world...what you think is His message could be your own desires and state of mind working together [not to mention the enemy] to show you a message God has no intentions of fulfilling. i've seen friends' hearts broken over what they KNEW would happen that never did...they 'felt' God so much through it all and can't understand what went wrong and why He failed them, or why He told them lies about what He had planned for them.
i'm not sure how long of a rant i want this to be, so i don't know how deeply i should go in my response to this. let's start here:
- God is good
- He fulfills His will and His will alone
- we are human with complex brains and complex hearts
- we are flawed, no matter how wonderful our intentions may be
given those premises, we should always, always, ALWAYS bring our 'revelations' and 'feelings' to God Himself. i've sometimes been so utterly convinced that God would satisfy a certain desire in my heart a certain way...it came to me as 'a calling from God' and it made my heart do happy somersaults at the thought of it. even when i brought it to Him i sensed nothing calling me away from it. and in my gnawing impatience, fixation and starvation for that specific event/person, i was missing the life right in front of me He had a will for. i was so bent on 'God's will being fulfilled!' that i was blind to Him truly fulfilling my will.
put frankly, we're not big enough, smart enough, cool enough, weird enough, wise enough, or unfathomable enough to know what He's thinking and planning for us at any given moment. we're stupid people with our stupid logic and REALLY stupid thoughts and emotions. let's start owning our stupidity and hang onto Him LITERALLY for dear life. we are sheep. we will never know the intentions and wisdom of our Shepherd. we need repeated, consistent, minute-by-minute guidance that we must incessantly pray for while living in the reality of our human condition.

we are not pure enough to discern between phantom and reality. question everything.

even if our answer is that it is from Him, we are not wise enough to separate His answer to our question from what we personally believe that answer to imply about what He wants. assume nothing.

this is how Christ lived...He never assumed the Father's will. He never had a plan. His next step was only as far ahead as a footstep's length.

all i know is that if Christ was that humble, i have no excuse.

i'm on my second helping of Pride & Prejudice...it's been less than twelve hours since i last watched it. there's just NOTHING wrong with it in any aspect of a film...it is brilliant and beautiful and cleanses my soul with its quality. plus i'll probably have to read academic blahblahblah for the rest of the day for classes, so i'm indulging myself for a few hours before that marathon begins.

as far as healing goes, it's been a slow and [literally] painful process, but it is taking less and less [in terms of pills, ice, pillows, etc.] to make me comfortable. and in two days i'm seeing my doctor again to see if walking will happen soon. i might try to go to class next week anyway, at least the one that greatly involves in-class discussions that i've missed two weeks of. i've been experimenting with how much i'm physically able to do. i'll try to stand up and keep my balance, i'll do what i'm doing now which is typing with two hands, trying to use the good muscles in my left arm and not let them go to waste just because that collarbone is broken/mending/sensitive. i refuse to pretend i'm a vegetable, but at the same time i do believe there's a reason why God took my mobility away for awhile, and why i am perfectly healthy other than that. not that i actually know that reason, but i know that making the most out of this situation will fulfill that reason. that's why i'm trying to focus on school and my family [who have been SO great in being with me through all of this]. i have been given the time and the relative solitude to do so, so...i'm doing it. hahah.

that's all for now...i need to soak in some more Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth Bennet.

good day to you, sir.

some goals and dreams and memories.

i'm stealing this idea from Rikki...i've actually been thinking a lot lately about things i want to do before i can't anymore. not being able to walk really puts things into perspective in that way. so let's see...

[also, if it's in bold then i've done it already, and would probably be willing to do it again]

explore New York.
skydive.
go to/live in India.
personally lead someone to Christ.
get my nose pierced.
run through a meadow in a dress.
spend Christmas on the beach.
learn how to snowboard.
learn how to surf.
hike the Grand Canyon.
go whitewater rafting.
have a picnic in the woods.
write a book.
create/record music.
kiss a guy who didn't see it coming.
take a walk through Europe.
see my favorite band live.
go to a prestigious museum.
visit Woodstock.
learn how to tailor clothes.
take dance lessons.
work with kids.
love on someone in a way that they've never experienced before.
laugh until my ribs burn.
read all the Lord of the Rings books.
read all the Harry Potter books.
read all of Jane Austin's books.
throw the best wedding my friends have ever been to.
still laugh at my husband's jokes even when we're old and gray.
sit by a lake wrapped in a blanket to watch the sunrise.
drive a jet-ski.
dramatically help an organization or foundation.
go on a road trip with friends.
live in more than three states.
work with animals.
go to a ball.
slow dance in the street.
ride a horse on the beach.
paint the colors in my mind.
backpack through New Zealand.
serve at a Younglife camp.
pray/dance/kiss/laugh in a thunderstorm.
renew my vows with my husband.
be overwhelmed with love and respect for my husband's submission to God's will.
take a nap in the arms of someone i love.
learn how to cook.
buy my groceries, clothing, and jewelry in a foreign country.
travel with my ministry.

there are a lot more...i just can't think of anymore at the time. but i'll get through them for sure. :)