of Lee Pace and swimming pools.

new look, title, font, and picture for da blog. you like?

friday nights are the only nights i can shamelessly stay up as long as i want. tonight's adventure included friends, Mexican food, and my first time experiencing Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day.


it's one of those movies that everyone recommended, but something kept me from wanting to see it until i was doing so alone. it was entirely worth it...i may or may not have cried. you'll never know. :) i think what i loved most about it is how i could relate to both Miss Pettigrew and Delysia; an old, weary soul and a flippant naive spirit. in the end, the weary finds hope and the flighty finds anchoring. satisfying indeed. also, i hate Lee Pace for obvious reasons.


...ugh.

anyway, i have a feeling 2011 is going to kick me in the pants. it already has, really. it's as if God is looking me in the eye, saying something along the lines of "you ready?"

me: "no. but go for it."

Tracey used the great picture of someone being pushed into the deep end of the swimming pool to learn how to swim. i like the shallow end...i always have my bearings, i can press my feet up against the floor to rest when i'm uncomfortable, and teaching others to swim is easy and systematic. yay. the deep end requires swimming even when i'm tired, and teaching others to swim feels hopeless because i'm struggling with it myself. nay.

"but go for it."

there's plenty to distract me from facing such discomfort and vulnerability. i have plenty of doors leading away from the challenge, and even have a few friends tempting me toward them unknowingly.

"but go for it."

because i am tired of my own plans falling short of the life i ache for...my arm cannot reach as far as my eye can see. i am tired of the fear i feel and the regret i avoid and the pain i bear when i consider the thought of my life in flawed hands. He calls me in. He shows me the next step. i swallow back a bad taste in my mouth and my heart starts quickening.

i have no reason to fear. i have no enemy to thwart me.

so i'll go for it.

my Friday night should probably end now.

love. :)

"if You say go, we will go; if You say wait, we will wait."

like i said, i didn't get the internship i wanted. but as of tonight, i might get an internship in a different area of Lost Canyon...the kitchen. i have literally never stepped more than twenty feet into that place in all of my years going to camp there. i have no experiences or memories to work off of. if i get this, it'll most likely be the most challenging three months of my life. dude, bring it. or don't, then i get to have a slightly more relaxing break from school. :) win-win.

in other news, having a schedule involving so many night classes is surprisingly less stressful than having them scattered throughout multiple days of the week. i have an entire week for those classes to read articles and study at my leisure. and i'm feeling nothing even close to senioritis. if anything, i'm more studious than ever. c'est tres intéressant.

also, our first Younglife club was so bomb. a lot of it had to do with how hard a bunch of us worked on putting together an awesome skit about leadership styles. even though i technically wrote it, i got the majority of my ideas from our team effort. the first of many, Club Planning team. the first of many.

these are all really awesome experiences that are blessings of mine during a trying time of the heart. it feels heavy-laden and weary. the air i breathe feels thick and my limbs feel heavy. even when i'm wide awake and get good rest, my spirit feels tired. oh well. i'm running the good race, keeping my eye on the prize.

hope you're doing the same, my friends.

of risks and beauty pageants.

so i didn't get the internship i applied for. two years in a row, haha. but i'm glad i tried, because it put me in the mindset of making this summer intentional...something that i need to pray about and plan for. that next level of leadership is going to meet me right where i am, not on top of a mountain.

i am also realizing that the wall i keep hitting when it comes to writing music is directly correlated with this wall i'm hitting with leadership. it's a boldness, a step into the unknown, it's taking a stand for something that others will want to challenge or turn down. it is making a choice and sticking with it. every single note, chord, word...a choice. leadership and music are both the type of risk i have done my best to avoid my entire life. of course God wants me to face them at the same time in the same respect. He's always pushing me in the deep end to teach me how to swim.

i have plenty of crappy feelings i have to swallow in order to keep a positive attitude about this. i feel the need to express that so that i don't come across as some beauty pageant contestant about life. do i feel like God's keeping me from things that i want, while dangling other things over my head that i could technically pursue but should not? yes, i feel that way. it feels like i'm ready for adventure and He's forcing me to stay put. it feels like the me i want to be is out of my reach because He closes door after door. i feel like my heart is blindly running through a maze and it hits wall after wall, leaving a bruise every time.

and yet everything i said in the previous paragraphs is true. this is the path for me. it is the best for me. God is strong enough, all-knowing enough, and loving enough to provide for me the life i was meant for. the foreign countries, the mountains, the everything else...it will have its time. hurts like hell without it now, but i trust Him enough to know He wants those things for me too.

time for bed. until next time...

"because i have a voice!"

i am on the cusp of discovering a hidden cave of potential inside of me. i know it, and others know it. i know it will change everything.

therefore, this movie came into my life at the perfect time...The King's Speech


it is a beautiful movie (clearly) about rising to the occasion and embracing the greatness that was meant for you. going through the excruciating process of facing yourself over and over, pushing through fear and weakness. i completely related to the king's short temper and "can't do it" attitude about the whole thing. i also love that it didn't have a perfect ending where he got over his obstacles perfectly and they were never an issue again; rather, he simply chose to not give up on himself. he chose the struggle instead of choosing to live a lesser life.

i definitely plan on seeing it again. you should too.

class time. later. :)

Come ye sinners, poor and needy.

these are the days when i feel like i really have something to give to God.

not my gifts or talents. those are already His, for He made them.

not my words or thoughts. He knew them before i had the brain to even create them.

my something to give is myself.

that's not to say my body, or even my soul. what's left if not any of those, you ask?

think of it [work with me] as oil that secretes through the skin. the residue of the flesh. the aftermath of the human condition.

i can give Him my interpretations of my experiences. sounds a lot like 'thoughts,' but thoughts are more instinctual and impulsive by definition. interpretations involve a higher consciousness, you could say.

i can give Him all the wedding/marriage/love dreams i instantly foster when i meet a great guy.

i can give Him the plans i silently organize in my mind to make my career look just the way i want it to.

i can give Him every false premise i have attempted to stand on in order to justify drastic means for beauty.

i can give Him the conclusions i make about myself and others after each and every musical session i partake in.

in those ways, i can give Him my interpretations of my experiences.

sometimes i let them accumulate. i let them sit around in my mind, so that i can stare at them when i crave a shot of happiness or peace. they become false hopes to which my heart clings.

come ye sinners, poor and needy
weak and wounded, sick and sore
Jesus ready, stands to save you
full of pity, love and power

then i get to a point like the one i'm at right now. i realize that such hopes let my heart drown rather than breathe. they are not hopes at all, but bars on a cage. i am not free to indulge in them, but am a slave to their taunts and their expectations.

come ye thirsty, come and welcome
God's free bounty, glorify
true belief and true repentance
every grace that brings you nigh

i barely have the strength to find in my heart a place where i feel i can meet with Him. i try my best to make it worthy of His presence. He always finds a way to meet me right where i'm at, catching me off guard and uncomfortably in the moment.

come ye weary, heavy-laden
bruised and broken by the fall
if you tarry until you're better
you will never come at all

and there we are, with all those secretive interpretations and clever ideas of mine right where we both can see them. i can't take my eyes off of them, not out of a residual desire but out of shame. they define me. they so evidently show the contrast between who i am and who stands before me. they reveal my petty, selfish, and glutenous nature when i am called to bigger and better things. they show the dirt i've scrubbed into my skin rather than the water i am offered.

i am given a choice. cage or freedom. dirt or water. my way or His way. and so with broken legs, i find a way to run to Him.

i will arise and go to Jesus
He will embrace me in His arms
and in the arms of my dear Savior
there are ten thousand charms

thank you Jesus for saving me from myself.

she is juniper and roses, she is amethyst and pearl.

here are a few changes coming my way...some are exciting, some not so much.

Tay is moving out in four days...going back to Tennessee. she's crazy excited and feels at peace with the decision, so like a good friend i'm happy for her. but still...lame. Guffey, thank you for introducing me to fashion i never thought i'd like, and inspiring me to have fun in ways that make me look like a fool. let's keep singing together. :)


Missy's getting married in five months. yeah okay. the entire house has done their best to soak in what that means and how things will change. it hit me the most when David thanked me for a gift that i got her. it was a bathing suit. he had absolutely nothing to do with it. but he thanked me because it made her happy. SURE. it takes some processing here and there when the changing of the times surfaces in unexpected ways, but Missy is the happiest i've ever seen her, and in some aspects, this parting of ways has led to a depth in our friendship we didn't have before. Watkins, turning into a Lauck doesn't change the fact that i can take you down when you deserve it. or that we look better together. or that this will always be your fam:


here's a more exciting venture coming my way, given that everything falls into place how i wish. i may spend my summer in Europe. specifically...

London, England.

Dublin, Ireland.
and Edinburgh, Scotland.

six weeks of traveling while finishing up college? please. :) i still have to work out the practicalities and finances, but i'm putting my mind to making this happen. it's time for a little more world in my life.

time for one of the last PörchLyfe sessions before Tay leaves. shisha and incense on the screened-in patio...go!

love. :)

i open at the close.

this is a blog that may take awhile, but it needs to happen.

ladies and gentlemen, my journey through Harry Potter...


it began in fifth grade as i was browsing through the little Scholastic Book Fair pamphlet that you always get the week before the fair. typical pickin's of Captain Underpants, Junie B. Jones and calendars. then that colorful cover with an intriguing name caught my eye. i had no idea what it was or what i was getting myself into, but i had to have it. i B-lined for it at the Book Fair and my mom bought it for me. it was the only thing i got, and i began reading it that night. since i was your average ten-year-old, i made silly mistakes of thinking things like Dumbledore's name was actually "Doubledoor" and that the entire thing took place in America (how was i supposed to know where Kings Cross Station was?). it also took a friend of mine to point out details like "people were walking around in strange colorful robes and looked like they were celebrating something" and what that could mean. so i was clearly only halfway invested, initially. but right around the time of Harry getting a mysterious letter that he wasn't allowed to open, i was hooked. i fell in love with messenger owls, school castles, and broomstick games.


i begged my mom to buy the second book for me as quickly as possible, of course. this is when Harry Potter books began to conquer every window of free time i had in elementary school. TV lost its charm, sunshine seemed so pale, and my friends seemed boring in comparison to this colorful and adventurous world. i went to school, came home and read in my room, went into the kitchen for dinner, and went back into my room to read until my bedtime. i finished this one in about three days.


once i finished Chamber of Secrets, i got frustrated with my mom for not letting me get this one as quickly as i wanted it. this meaning that she didn't drive me to Walmart at 7pm to go buy it MINUTES after finishing the previous book, but made me wait until the next day. the nerve. :) long story short, this book introduced me to plot twists, legitimate scary moments, and real character development like no other book had. i'm pretty sure this was an intense weekend read, once again being the ONLY activity i did other than eating and sleeping. and so it was; i experienced the first three years of Harry Potter's life in the last few months of the fifth grade.


ahh, the Goblet of Fire. this book is particularly special to me. around this time, the Air Force was relocating us to South Carolina. i was leaving my entire life behind...five out of eleven years, at least. it was easily the hardest thing i'd ever gone through at that point in life, and i had no idea how to cope with it. at some point in the journey, however, i was informed by my mom that my Aunt Kathy had ordered the fourth Harry Potter book for me and it was being delivered to our new house. hope at last! sure enough, when we pulled up to our new abode it was sitting right on the front porch waiting for me. i started reading it in the hotel room we were staying in while we waited for our furniture to come into town. everyone else was sleeping when i read about the gardener screaming at the sight of "baby Voldemort" and being killed. i had to stop there...too scary. but i distinctly remember lying on the floor in my empty new room reading this book. it felt like my only comfort in that weird new place. for this reason, i loved that it was bigger than a Bible...it lasted me a long while.


this is the book i remember the least of, in all honesty. i don't exactly remember where/when i read it like the others...i was moving yet again around the time it came out, so maybe i read it on the way back to AZ. not sure. but i did love how real the characters were becoming to me...how Harry gets pissed off like any teenager does, and that Umbridge was a sad and pathetic person who wanted structure and organization above human compassion. romance pops up, Harry actually leaves the school for the adventure at the end (the fact that they were all right there in the school for him was getting a little silly), and a beloved character dies. while the Goblet of Fire drastically deepened the plot of the series, this book drastically deepened the character development. i loved it for that.


as far as character development goes, this book surpasses them all. good grief. i bought this as a sixteen-year-old...i'd finally caught up to Harry's age since J.K. was taking her sweet time publishing them. :) i truly believe this book deepened my calling to psychology, because i ate up the chapters on memories of Voldemort's past and family history like they were a Thanksgiving feast. words can't describe how incredibly crucial it was/is to see that Voldemort is sick and twisted...a good thing gone wrong rather than created from an inherently bad substance. i loved how film-version of Dumbledore put it...Voldemort was a boy who made all the wrong choices. his past set him up for failure, but he walked the trail himself, even when great wizards like Dumbledore were willing to guide him into the light. i loved the truth in this book. i always love finding true characters in fantasy. also, this book lasted maybe two weeks, the last night continuing on until the sun rose. there comes to a point where you physically cannot take your eyes off of the book. a reader's high, if you will. :P needless to say, i was out of my mind excited for the seventh and final book to come into my life.


i pre-ordered this book a few months before its release date. though it was being released on a Saturday, FedEx assured me via their website that they were indeed going to have it delivered in the day it came out rather than on the Monday following. darn straight they were. i received it over the summer a few days before we vacationed to Mexico. i clearly did not mind the drive there. :) though it was not the only thing i did (since that would be rude), it took up a whole lot of sleeping time for me. i would read until i started passing out on myself and would then call it quits. i finished the book in four nights, the last night being around 2am, and i cried myself to sleep. i was eighteen. an adult. i felt like Harry Potter represented my childhood that was coming to a close, but would always be in my heart (and on paper) when i wanted to get lost in another world for awhile. the ending was beautiful and perfect. and it was time for it, in my life and in Harry's life. time to face the real, boring, grown-up world where you have to find your own adventures and find your own color. Harry Potter ended with the simple sentence of "All was well." i knew my life would end with that sentence too.


am i being melodramatic about a fiction fantasy series? i call it ascribing meaning. :P i feel like God uses little pictures like this one to teach me about overarching truths. Harry Potter is a book series that greatly influenced my childhood and is therefore worth remembering, just like childhood itself. Harry's journey through discovering deeper and more complex forms of magic over time paralleled my discoveries of deeper and more complex ways of looking at life. Harry facing death over and over again in more penetrating ways as time progressed paralleled pain coming into my life over and over in deeper ways. we grew up together. and i hope to keep my books in a good enough condition to be able to hand them down to my kids when it's time for them to start growing up too.

that's all. :)

a cripple at Your table, a cripple by Your side.

i am currently staying the night at Blair's parents' house with a few roomies...holding down the fort until they return to their humble abode. not sure what holding down the fort actually entails, since all they have is a self-maintaining cat. but the house is large and a fun change of scenery, so i'll take it.

you ever notice how you don't really feel your heart pounding in the moment of crazy energy...it's afterward when you're lying flat on your back exhausted that you really start to feel it? that's how i'm viewing my life right now in a few ways. like i've run around and around with the single goal of feeling/knowing my heart, and once i collapse in fatigue and disappointment, there it is...pounding like crazy and making itself known.

it reminds me of what i'm learning about in my Religions class...about how God had Adam name all the animals. God didn't need to go through that process to figure out that Adam needed a partner of his own not created yet. the process was for Adam to understand this. God took him through a tour physically, mentally, and perhaps emotionally, of his surroundings and options. Adam distinguished the animals from one another and from himself, understanding step by step that he still hadn't found what he was looking for (oh U2...). once the task was completed, he understood fully that he was alone, that it was not good, and that he needed a helper. i think that must have deepened his love for Eve once he met her...comprehending her importance and her preciousness in his life.

i'm starting to understand that God uses that method of teaching in my life a lot...cracking a door open for me to see my options inside, but in the end pulling me away with the knowledge that what lies behind it is not for me. it's frustrating, heartbreaking, and exhausting, but the end result is an overwhelming satisfaction for what He reveals as His true will for me. now, being only 21 entails not a whole lot of "final conclusions" of His being revealed yet, but i am so thankful that He is opening my eyes to this process. i am so thankful that He allows me to feel my heart beating once i finally stop emotionally running around like a maniac...i am learning that it is known and felt the most when i have calmed and quieted my soul.

1am. it is time.

sweet dreams my reader friends.

but a certain sign of grace is this...

thank you all for giving me such encouraging feedback on my previous blog. it took hours to write and literally all of my strength, but God is blessing me with some insight into what He's doing with it. thank you for your kind words in helping with that insight.

life has been completely and utterly spectacular.

it's like God is speeding up time and growing me up/out by the hour. i'm more attune to the things that truly resound with my spirit and less so with the things i've always sorta kept around for no reason.

i'm a nut-case, and it surprises me that that surprises people. it also makes me sad. WHYYYY can't i show that side of me more? i think it may be a focus thing...i have too much focus. when i'm at leader meetings, it's all about THE MISSION and OUR PURPOSE and THE PLAN. at work it's I NEED TO GO FASTER and HAVE A GOOD ATTITUDE and LEARN HOW TO HELP MORE. at school it's APPLY THIS TO YOUR LIFE and STUDY THIS THE RIGHT WAY and MAKE GOOD GRADES.

the only place i feel like i am free of imposed purpose is my house. hence the ridiculousness such as this [hope it works!]:

http://www.facebook.com/#!/profile.php?id=100001574580106&v=wall&story_fbid=440121571359

i feel the moment i step through that front door that i am unconditionally wanted and accepted. i have been through every mood on the planet with these people and they still want me around with no complaints or desires of change.

and if you knew how LITTLE i was paying for rent, your brain would implode. :)

this is part of the growing process; learning who/what will stick around as the seasons of my life change. i'm starting to catch the patterns in their character, how i feel when i am with them, and what God does with them.

who can be talking about something in their life and have that inspire me to want Jesus more?

who can show THEIR mood spectrum in full and still be instinctively lovable to me?

who am i myself around without even thinking, because they bring it out in me on their own?

i've found a few of these precious friendships, and precious they are indeed. and though i am in no way pursuing romance at the moment, this song makes me smile when i ask those questions to myself. i hope that one day i'll be able and willing to sing this song to someone...



hmmm what else. well, a lot else. but not for now! :P

love you all. over and out.

"Servant and King, rescued the world...this is our God."

here's some news coming straight to you. no grapevines, no inferences, no secrets needed. because i don't want any chapter of my life to be treated like it never happened and we should just forget about it and move on. this deserves the spotlight for now, so i'll let it have that.

Chad and I have mutually decided to go our separate ways.

the word 'mutual' was true to its definition...we talked for four hours in his room, and when i left he hugged me goodbye and asked that i text him when i got home to make sure i got home safe. we both said how we felt, we both cried, and somehow we both fit a few silly comments into the conversation as well, making each other smile.

here's the honest truth: the wound is still bleeding. and at least for me, you can see that in how i have a constant flow of water coming out of my eyes. it reminds me of when i got a stomach virus that made me throw up whenever i moved or consumed anything, even when i didn't have anything in my body to throw up...at this point i think i'm working off of reserve water storage in my body because the crying never ends.

here's the honest truth: this is the hardest break-up i've ever had to go through, because i am healthier than i have ever been as a person. it literally took me a year to rightfully grieve my first serious relationship because i was under the emotionally-distanced impression that if it didn't work out then it's not worth remembering. my second serious relationship had a little less grieving, because the situation surrounding it distracted me from doing so. that one took close to three years to get to me as well. but this one...this ending of a relationship with one of my coolest friends...met me right in the moment, and i had no choice but to live in the reality of the next step we were choosing together. i looked around his room and realized i would probably never see it again. i noticed things about it that i'd never really thought about before. when i left, i had the few things that he'd borrowed from me, like my brother's video games and my Pride & Prejudice sheet music. i'll never spend time with his family in the same way again, and i won't be going to California for Christmas with them. our last kiss was a small peck on the lips four days ago while i was leaving and he was falling asleep in his room. our little inside jokes will probably never be brought up again, either because it's too soon or we will forget them. all of these things and more met me in our conversation, and i knew i was saying goodbye to more than just a relationship status. i was saying goodbye to a present and future life.

here's the honest truth: this is the right decision. not because Chad was a crappy boyfriend or because i was a crappy girlfriend. not because either of us have someone else in mind. not because we don't love each other. it comes down to the fact that who we were made to be by God as people are not fully expressed or brought out when we're together, and we both feel the need to be slightly different persons in order to make each other truly happy with the relationship. it's because in nine months of being together, neither of us were sure beyond a shadow of a doubt that we were in love. i'm being outright with you/the world because those feelings are not wrong or shameful to have. they are the aftermath of a genuine and raw relationship between human beings who love God more than themselves and each another, and will follow His voice wherever that leads. and His voice led both of our hearts to this decision.

here's the honest truth: Chad made no mistake choosing me, or i him. God has done wonders inside of me through us. He taught me how to forgive, to wait, and to rely on Him more than my flesh, just to name a few. maybe He taught others something through us as well. neither of us feel that we wasted the last nine months of our lives with each other. they were good, and we gave them to God, and He used them. this is just another path for both of us to take now. so i will take up the few things i own in this world, with all the things being with Chad has taught me, and i will begin the journey forward.


here's the honest truth: we will be okay. not only that, we will be wonderful and satisfied at the end of our days. because God has prosperous plans for us, not meant to harm. i know with everything inside of me that Chad was in no way dependent on me for his relationship with God, and i'm sure he knows the same goes for me. though i have seen faiths crash and burn when the storms hit, i know Chad's heart to be fortified with the truth that Christ's footsteps are the only ones worth following, and he will not fall away from their path. nor shall i.

here's the honest truth: if you haven't caught on already, i am flat-on-my-back in love with Jesus. He is all that keeps me from becoming undone. He brings me to life. He turns my heart of cold stone into a hot pulsing muscle that has a significant purpose, that feels what must be felt even when i can barely breathe from the pain. He makes me beautiful. He puts nothing to waste. He redeems the violent, the cruel, the wretched. He calls the silent to speak, the shy to sing, the somber to dance. He calls everything inside of me to come forth, to be free, to either be pruned or to be used.

here's the honest truth: i am devastated by my circumstances.

here's the honest truth: i am rejoicing with joy in the Truth that transcends my circumstances.

that's all i can handle right now. i think i need to have some alone time with Him on a mountain top for awhile.

i love you all. thank you for sharing your lives with me.