Progress, my own and in general

This has been such a season of growth for me, there is no way I could dictate everything I've been mentally chewing on lately. It's crazy how the humility produced by brokenness is the very key to progress in life, because it is the death of the self. I'm beginning to think that Jesus didn't teach people how to live, He taught them how life/humanity works whether we approve of it or not. I see no other option for progress from brokenness than through humility. Doesn't matter how I feel about it.

I recently went to Michigan with Beasley and her family to their incredible lake house in Pentwater. It was the most beautiful marriage between woods and seashore that I've ever experienced, and I'm hoping that won't be my only time visiting. All the natural beauty led to mental stimulation of epic proportions! I read two books and wrote three front-and-back pages worth of journaling, plus finished a song I'd been writing.

This is the very edge of the pier in Pentwater with the other Caitlin in the clan, Beasley's cousin. This is in the middle of a great conversation the three of us were having. How can you NOT have a great conversation with that view and waves crashing all around you?! It was the perfect vacation I needed, and with all that mental stimulation I realized a few things floating around in my subconscious that, when brought into the light, change the game. Progress progress progress.

Though it took a week away to an oasis to figure out a few specific nuggets of truth, one treasure plopped into my head one night as I was lying in bed trying to fall asleep a few nights ago. Suddenly, as if teaching myself this truth, I said aloud:

"I will not experience every 'good' available in this lifetime."

And then, as if that truth implies another one, I said:

"I am entitled to no 'good' available in this lifetime."

Oh man. Talk about a game changer. A sport changer, to stretch the analogy further. If I am guaranteed nothing in particular, but am promised good and prosperity by God at the end of whatever may come, how much freedom there is to be had! Life becomes less about looking for good things and trying to make them mine, trying to choose what God may bless me with. It becomes more about what God has for me, come what may.

I just came out of a season of what seemed to be irrational resentment toward God. With the help of Timothy Keller's book Prodigal God, I realized that I'd been treating the last year of my life like the older brother treated his work in Jesus's prodigal son parable. I embraced my serving opportunities with rolled eyes and the thought of "Well if God wants me to, I guess it's the right thing to do" with the hidden assumption that I'll be awarded for such self-sacrificing behavior. If I jumped through the hoops and followed the rules, I would get the good things I want. I was already doing the good things HE wanted of me, and because of this I deserved my personal desires on my own terms. Like vacation days accumulated in the work place (not a vacation from good, but a vacation from God's terms for good).

This didn't end well, as you can imagine. But all I was consciously aware of was an anger toward God that I'd never experienced before. So I unraveled it, cried a lot, and those two nuggets of truth I shared felt like the nails in the coffin of that ugly phase of our relationship. I will not experience every good available in this lifetime, and I am entitled to no good available in this lifetime. If that sounds like pessimism or a poor self-esteem to you, I assure you t'is not. :)

So with freedom fresh in my lungs and big decisions on my horizons, life is good. A good I did not earn, a good that is a gift.

Until next time! 

Francois Fenelon and Younglife songs

Tracey has our small group reading a small little book called Let Go, which is a compilation of short letters written by spiritual advisor Francois Fenelon to those he was pastoring in the Court of Louis XIV. His words cut deep, bringing my fears into reality, and at the same time giving me hope for a door out of this carnival Fun House of distorted mirrors I feel like I'm in.

"You need not expect Him to attack those gross and wicked desires that you renounced forever when you gave yourself to Him. Nevertheless, He will perhaps test you by destroying your liberty of soul and by depriving you of your most spiritual consolations [....] Do you fear that He alone may not be able to supply to you that human-based comfort that He takes away? And why does He take it away, except to supply it from Himself? And to purify you by the painful lesson? I see that every exit is closed. God intends to accomplish His work in you by cutting off every human resource. He is a jealous God. He is not willing that you should owe to any other that which He is about to perform in you."

During these times when everything seems to exhaust me, when I feel empty of worth and identity, when I feel dry of life and joy, I get this hopeful image in my mind, one that I experienced on one of the last days of my internship:

A cold Grand Canyon at sunrise, everything dark slowly being brought into a gentle light. I am alone, gazing out into this natural wonder, and feel as if I am looking at myself; an endless maze of caves and mountains that I will never fully understand, something that seems too vast and too complicated to fully satisfy in any way, something that could never be 100% known. Then I am reminded that this canyon is only a glimpse, a glimpse of a fleeting thought, of the depth of my God. And I hear echoing young voices, all arm-in-arm in a Younglife camp club room somewhere, swaying back and forth, all singing a simple song that I've always secretly cherished. As I gaze at this canyon that seems to reflect me, I listen to the words of this song and begin to understand how this canyon reflects Christ:

Your love is deep, Your love is high

Your love is long, Your love is wide

Your love is deep, Your love is high

Your love is long, Your love is wide

Your love is deeper than my view of faith

Higher than this worldly place

Longer than this road I've traveled

Wider than the gap You filled

Your love is deep

That which despairs me seems always to be that which Christ has created in me to use most profoundly.  The things about myself I wish to change seem always to be those which God put intentionally inside of me to grow.

His love is deeper than our view of faith, higher than this worldly place, longer than the roads we've traveled, wider than the gap He filled.

It is with this knowledge that I now begin to find peace.

Cold is the water that freezes your already cold mind.

Looooooooooooooong time, no see! Well hey again. :)

I may be writing in here more in the following days. I have been given the gift of time, time to myself. Less noise. Less bustle. Less responsibility of others. Silence. Options. Choices.

It's been a rough nine months, to be frank. I wasn't sure why for awhile, but a resentment toward God had been creeping into my conscious thoughts, and I eventually realized I'd been fostering a bitterness toward Him since coming home from my internship in August. He and I are now wrestling with why that is.

So this will once again become my space to "verbally" process and share my stories. Honestly, I haven't written anything in all this time because I felt like there was nothing to share. I was producing nothing of substance. That is all my doing (or really UNdoing) and I have to process through that as well.

Thankfully I have positive voices in my life, and friends who freely give me grace to stumble my way through this dark time. I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel yet, but I feel its warmth and its encouragement to move forward.

His cross is my gain. I have understood this my whole life as "Christ dying on the cross has given me a new life." But lately I'm feeling a deep resonation with the truth that His cross is my gain when I am carrying it. When I am suffering on His behalf. When I am led to do something difficult that I deem to be "beneath me." I truly, deeply, wholeheartedly benefit from the weight, agony, and endurance of bearing His cross and doing His work.

This does not help the suffering feel better, only deepens my trust in Christ's steadfast determination to give me life to the fullest, without a drop of blood/sweat/tears wasted. Without this trust, I slip into the assumption that I am simply a pawn in His divine schemes to use as He pleases. It is, in fact, that very lie that I am attempting to untangle myself from now.

That's all for now. I want to squeeze a nap into my lunch break!

Adios, it's good to be back. :)

on Pinterest and graduating.

why i thought i could hide from the Pinterest and Spotify movements, i am not sure. regardless, i indulge in both on a daily basis these days. here are a few of my favorite Pinterest finds within the last few days:

yep, Pinterest gives me hope that others out there want the same hilarious and beautiful life that i do. maybe we can all make it happen together.

in other news...

God has been cleaning my heart out lately with quality music (thank you Spotify) and relationships. the feeling can be compared to a burning mouthful of Listerine during a particularly groggy morning...it's wonderful, it's unsettling, it awakens.

i feel hyper-aware of who i am, both the crappy parts and the decent parts.

graduating college has led everyone around me to ask what i'm going to do for the rest of my life. i usually give my schpeal about Student Staff and grad school and a future career after that.

but none of those things are guaranteed. and none of those things guarantee a satisfying life, either. so here are the things i want to do the rest of my life, no matter what circumstances they happen under:

i want to laugh everyday for the rest of my life.

i want to learn something new everyday for the rest of my life.

i want to grow into a healthier person everyday for the rest of my life.

i want to lead to the best of my ability everyday for the rest of my life.

i want to love people like Christ does everyday for the rest of my life.

i want to die to myself everyday for the rest of my life.

those are my life goals, and they're all pretty tall orders. but that's the point.

time to start the day. love you all!

Falling slowly...

i love the Fall.

i need to end up somewhere that loves the Fall too...where the trees give into their seasonal death and carpet the ground with their crunchy leaves. where sweaters aren't just a nice idea, but are necessary for warmth. where contractors build with bricks and construction workers pave roads around the trees.

yep.

in other news, this semester is kicking my rear-end in a lot of dumb and great and beautiful ways. it's like a diet version of my internship, haha.

school feels like it will never end, and that i have fifteen more exams in each class to stress about until i'm outta there. being on Younglife staff feels like an adventure that i'm figuring out as i go, and it's scary and real and wonderful. my family and friends are making/planning/dreaming crazy changes that will inevitably alter life as i personally know it, and that feels particularly bittersweet.

we are the current residents of the Pontiac household.

Sarah has been there four years, i have been there three years, Blair has been there almost two years, and Katherine has been there a few months.

roommates have come, gone, and stuck around during the three years i've been here, and it has been a journey that has healed me to deeper depths than i thought i even needed.

i know beyond a shadow of a doubt that these will be days to cherish the rest of my life.

i thank my God every time i remember you.

so that's life for now. i'll keep you posted on my adventures in choosing a grad school as i visit them and seek His voice about where to go. :)

Happy Weekend to all.

Katelyn's Favorite Things.

fun blog! fun for me, at least. :) here are a few of my favorite things as of late. unfortunately, most of them are not cheap buy-on-the-fly type of favorite things. most of them i don't own, and feel FREE to tuck these away in your memory as Christmas, my college graduation, and my birthday approach... :P

beach cruisers. i especially love this color...minty green turquoisey teal. :)

these specific Ralph Lauren sunglasses in this specific color. i would treat them as carefully as my phone because they're essPENsive, but they had me at hello. there's no turning back.

these Barnes & Noble bookends. SO precious, and my books tend to flop over on my book shelf. i can't stop smiling at them!

this specific collection of classics that Barnes & Noble sells in their leatherbound classic series of books. they're all beautiful, and i don't own any of them except the Jane Austen volumes. they're so prettyyyyy.

bomber jackets. this one is from Target, and is probably one of the lesser expensive of my favorite things, haha. i think with the right scarf and blouse, this will look more chic than biker. that would be my hope, anyway. heh.

boots! i know these are mix-match, and i don't know where they're from, but i LAWF them. see you in my futurrrrre!

that's all for now.

peace and blessin's, peace and blessin's.

:)

keep the earth below my feet

this is what life looks like right now.

the path is laid out before me, but the journey looks both intriguing and freaky. but i am thankful to not be alone in this initial phase of the walk. :)

being on staff with Younglife is no piece of cake. t'is not for the faint-hearted. it's a marathon that requires almost everything you've got on almost every level. i love it, but i'm already exhausted.

this is my last semester of classes before i graduate. four classes at West and an online class through Rio Salado. i know i can do it, but the hardest part is finding the motivation to want to do it. i could get myself freaked out at the thought of not being able to graduate in 10 weeks to find motivation to succeed, but that just stressed me out and gets me nowhere. i'm trudging along alright, but it's painful.

in a few differing circumstances, God is stretching me with personalities/worldviews that conflict with mine. i'm usually someone open to new types of people, but for some reason these particular individuals get under my skin and crawl around for awhile. i think my processing of what being Christlike toward them looks like is His way of training me to stand on my two feet in love and respect, rather than the anger and arrogance i am prone to stand on. i'm thankful, but it sucks.

to sum up life in this moment, all you have to do is read the last sentences of the previous three paragraphs.

life = i love it, but i'm already exhausted

life = i'm trudging along alright, but it's painful

life = i'm thankful, but it sucks

so proceeds the bittersweetness of living. ;)

let this thought soothe you, wherever you're at today:

keep the earth below my feet

for all my sweat, my blood runs weak

let me learn from where i have been

keep my eyes discerned, my hands to learn

seasons and Seattle.

a lot is happening.

it almost feels like my heart is packing its bags and moving to a new neighborhood to build a new life.

maybe i'm subconsciously going with the flow of the seasonal change...who knows.

but God is moving. and it hurts and it excites and it frees and it binds me up.

i'm facing age-old problems in my heart in entirely new ways, with the help of those who have gone before me.

everything i've learned seems to have been leading up to this; facing failure, how to completely surrender, where to put my self-worth, how to untangle the unhealthy relationships in my life, all of it. all of it to face this monster of a mountain in my life.

i may have made the biggest mistake of my life six years ago. the idea of that has haunted me since the sleepless night after i made it. i've alluded to it before and i'm doing so again. because this entire time, i've been trying to convince myself that it wasn't a mistake. i did what i needed to do. it wasn't a mistake. it wasn't a mistake.

i think i've come to a place in my heart to be able to face the question...what if i totally blew it?

what if i missed out on something that could have been absolutely wonderful?

i think i've come to a place in my soul to be able to comprehend the truth...that God can redeem anything. even a mistake detrimental to my heart.

that's just a taste of what's coming. :)

alright it's official. there's a third grad program in the running for next fall:

Seattle Pacific University - Seattle, WA

it's been recommended a few times and it has everything on paper that i'm looking for...so...it's an option. :)

stay tuned.

wants and fears and maybes.

this is going to be a frank blog.


sometimes all i want is this:

and then i'll get over it and convince myself that i want to do more with my life before settling down. so i'll want these:

then i'll find more important priorities for this moment in my life and, instead, want this:

and ALWAYS, in my heart of hearts, wanting to BE this:

and when that doesn't work out, and i'm trying to feel good about where exactly i'm at in this world and in my life, i want all of this:

and as i try to accumulate all my desires and it slowly but surely reveals itself to be unsatisfactory, i'm wanting this again to find some peace:

and the entire thing becomes a cycle.

it is a cycle of want, want, want, want, want, i, i, i, i, i, i, i.

i somehow get caught up in the assumption that this life is my own, that this life is my blank canvas to splatter whatever paint i'd like on it. i am enchanted with "adventure" and "beauty" and "art" and my days are consumed with ideas on how to get all of those things. i spend most of my free time, money, and effort pursuing any/all of those images of happiness.

because all of that equals a significant life in my human mind.

because if any of that is missing in my life, and i live a life of wanting/loving it without having it, and others see me without it and assume that it was never a goal/love of mine, then they may not know me. and all i want in this world is to be known.

there's the fear. there's the adrenaline behind the gigantic, tangled chase that i constantly find myself in. the fear of being insignificant, overlooked, and therefore unwanted.

if you've read my blog AT ALL, you should guess where i'm going to say the calming of this fear is found.

in His arms.

when i let go of those wants, of those dreams, of those fears, He fills me up and offers what i need. and really, desires are only avenues through which we believe our needs will be met.

maybe my life can be all that it could be without any of those pictures being a reality for me.

maybe, just maybe, He really is enough.

"i've got a sweeter song than the birds in the trees."

i just watched Father of the Bride with Blair, and i was reminded that the song "My Girl" was constantly in it. i love that song...since my birthday is in May, i feel like it could easily be about me ("when it's cold outside, i've got the month of May...") to someone someday. har har har :P

my last semester of undergraduate school is feeling LONG. i'm only two weeks into this? i'm sure i'll be thinking the exact opposite come December. "IT'S ALREADY OVER?!?!" yep, just you wait.

well i've been researching grad schools like crazy, and only two have shined through as legitimate options. my standards were Christian schools that had a Masters program for Family and Marriage Therapy. and the finalists are:

Fuller Theological Seminary - Pasadena, CA

that's a picture of their Prayer Garden. SURE. i've never visited the campus, but southern California has a special place in my heart. they have year-long housing less than a mile from campus. so this would be me living my life:

and then there's:

George Fox University - Portland, OR

the Portland center is just a building, so it wasn't worth a picture of the actual building. THIS is the city it is in. i visited Portland with my dad a few years ago and it felt like just right amount of quirk and cool for me. it constantly rains and is cold, so this would be me everyday:

am i choosing between the two based on how i'd look being there? i wish. but God doesn't exactly go off of aesthetics like i sometimes wish. ;) but both of them have the degree program i'm looking for, both of them are going to be expensive, and the lifestyle they'd both offer appeal to me greatly.

God hasn't opened a clear and concise door to either of them.

so maybe i'm staying put for awhile.

i have eight months to process it. until then, i'll soak in all that i can of Phoenix, of working for Younglife, of my classes, and of my cherished community here. i'll (do my best to) soak in THE MOMENT.

my dog is quietly chewing a mysterious entity. i must investigate.

see ya!