oh hey!

i have had ZERO time to blog this entire summer. even now i could be doing homework that is due by the end of the week. blahhhhh.

it's been a time of crazy growth. i feel like i'm a "growing-up"...not quite grown though. :P i've had huge leaps forward in boundaries, communication, overall relationships, and who i am in the midst of all that. here are a few things that have been affirmed about myself [and not always in pleasant ways]:

i am creative in everything that i do. it is very difficult for me to enter into a system of doing things and not try to add my own spin to it. i love structure and consistency, but i always find myself expanding on structural foundations and trying to make what is in front of me something bigger and better than it was yesterday.

i am a natural leader. i take things upon myself to achieve, quite literally without thinking about it. this also goes along with my creativity...i can't help but want to put a little "me" in what i do and in what i participate in. i can't thank God enough for giving me THE best leadership team in probably the entire valley to express this in. i never thought i'd say it, but...

i love working as a team. i love the give-and-take, the honest feedback, and the hard work that produces something for the bettering of the world in some way. i have Younglife as a whole to thank for this. the last two years of leading in several types of teams along with Summer Staff for a month showed me that this is how we were made to live in everything that we do. even romance is a team effort man.

i am out of control. this doesn't mean i have ADHD. i probably have one of THE steadiest levels of energy known to man, haha. this means that my ideas know no bounds, and combined with my creativity and developing leadership skills, i can get somewhat unstoppable when i have a distinct vision in my mind. despite my last name, i can be a serious fighter if i need to be for what i believe needs to happen.

disrespect severely pisses me off. this sucks because life is full of "get over it" moments that MUST be handled correctly if i want to be Christ-like in all that i do. because even Jesus was disrespected. you just can't get around it.

hmm anything else? yes, a lot more else. but it is late and i need to sleep if tomorrow's goals are to be accomplished. sorry it's been so long, friendlies. until next time...

Katelyn's Favorite Things

here are a few things that have made me all girlishly happy as of late. :)

Bath and Body Works Aromatherapy line... specifically the Stress Relief scent. i'd use it for body wash if i could.

Yankee candles...i LOVE how they come in different shapes and sizes and then last forever.

Etsy can be addicting for some online window shopping...people are so creative and cute!

since a natural tanning session would give me tomato-red skin and probably cancer [yay crappy skin genes], i have no choice but to use the fake stuff. Xen is supposed to be awesome though and i can't wait to afford it. :P

french lace...i am DETERMINED to have my future wedding dress completely covered in it. even if that means making it myself! which could be both really stressful and crazy fun.

vinyl wall decals. they're either awesome or a disaster. i may try them out one day...

jars. don't ask. i just love them.

i want one i want one i want one i want one i want one!

William Blake's Agony in the Garden...i love both this specific painting and the fact that i'm taking Art History over the summer. i get to learn what makes art so valuable and precious. yay.

that's all for now...someone tell me how to post pictures on my blog so that the entire picture is showing. blahhh.

time to Sunday it up. see yaaaaa.

i don't want to make You small.

a few recent turn of events had me crying in my room earlier today, and i wasn't sure what the big deal was. yeah, i didn't get the internship at Lost Canyon for the summer. yeah, my new job kept me from going on the Colorado trip this week. why the tears?

then the "oh i get it" moment arrived...

i am angry/terrified at the thought of God's will for my life being boring, not as beautiful as i want it to be, and/or lacking in significance.

so dumb. but alas, emotions are emotions and they need to come out.

so we talked about it, me and Jesus. i gave Him every example i could think of as to how my life could be everything both of us want it to be, and then all the examples i could think of that could potentially get in the way of that. i visualized myself living a stagnant life and realizing too late that i'd done nothing useful with it. i visualized myself getting trapped in the stuff every American deals with...eating like crap, going into debt, creating a dysfunctional marriage and family.

i would rather live alone in the woods my entire life than end up with a life like that.

then another "oh i get it" moment came [thanks Jesus]...

life never just "ends up" a certain way, and nothing is wasted of it. my God is a God of purpose, and i have been invited into that on the foundation of faith.

the thing about faith is that it's hard to have even when it's invested in the Master of the universe...and we're called to also have faith in one another.

logical/cold/rational Katelyn inside me gives a big "BAHAHAHA GOOD LUCK WITH THAT" at that one. she has seen the long, dark, painful road of all sorts of "teamwork" and would rather not end up with other people's problems on her hands.

then Jesus gives me that distinct Jesus look and i realize that that's exactly what he did for the world. gahhhhhh i can't even GRASP that.

anyway.

i showed Jesus the kind of life i wanted. i used assumptions and inferences to determine its awesomeness for my life and did my best to convince Jesus of it. this isn't the first time i've tried to do this. "Jesus, do you SEE what's in front of me right now?!?! are you missing this?!?! why isn't this thing in my life the way i want it to be?!" and he calms me down and says "yeah i see it. in fact i see it alongside plenty of other things you don't have the eyes to see just yet. trust me...move along." and after much pouting and stomping, i do. am i a seven-year-old walking past store windows and wanting everything i see inside? guilty.

well knowing Who's in charge, i trust that my life will be exciting, beautiful, and significant in ways that i can't fathom yet. those ways will most likely never be on my own terms or grounds, and i'll probably have to LEARN how to enjoy them rather than effortlessly loving them.

because that's life. that's walking with God. that's growing, and i hope to grow up until i die.

needless to say, JJ Heller's "Small" is my song for the day. go see what it does for you.

night loves.

roots and wings please??

at first i thought i didn't really have anything to write about, but then WHOAAA thought after thought flooded my mind and i decided it was blogging time for some of them. maybe all of them. we'll see how far i get until i'm asleep...

i spent the weekend in California with Chad and his family, and it was so much fun! not in a "fairly tolerable, if i dare say" sort of way [compliments to Mr. Darcy for the wonderful quote], but in a real enjoyable way that brought me closer to both Chad and his family. i saw the ways he and his dad are similar in their carefree and goofy [yet entirely aware and competent] lifestyles and the way his mom is both strong and sensitive toward those around her. plus i got to meet the entirety of his dad's side of the family and they're all awesome in their own ways. i feel like i could have a great and intellectual conversation with his cousin Drew, laugh my heart out with his uncle Troy or have a ridiculous girls night with his mom and aunts. it was such a blessing being invited into a family's rare everyone-together experiences like that and i'll be forever thankful for it. :)

we got to go to the beach for a little bit on Saturday, and i felt so incredibly at home. the smell, the everlasting salty breeze, the constant echo of the waves on the soft sand...i could spend forever in that moment. i grew up on the east coast beaches, but the west coast has its own special place in my heart too.

and with that, i progress into my next subject...i am incredibly torn when it comes to the type of place i want to grow up in or raise my children in. there's the Southeast, the Southwest, and the Northwest that specifically call out to me.

the Southeast...or should i say the South...is my emotional-childhood home. the humidity and the front porches and the lazy accents make up my sanctuary. one of my favorite things to do is to visit my family there and go back to where i came from. things don't change much there, and i love it that way. it's safe that way.

then there's the Southwest, which is my physical-childhood home. i went to elementary school and high school [and now college] here. sometimes it feels like the perfect home to have...almost any type of American landscape and weather is within a six-hour drive. Phoenix offers the perks of a fast-paced and competitive city while its suburbs stay fairly quiet and comfortable. it's pretty moderate when it comes to the distribution of political views...no one's voice is stifled. the summers can feel like death but that just leads to more water park weekends and pool parties. you never feel like you're missing out on life. that's not even mentioning Colorado and its staggering beauty and glory.

and then there's the Northwest, which is the area my soul truly does resonate with. the grey and rainy skies keep the coffee shops nice and toasty and the musicians contemplative in their song-writing. though fairly liberal, its occupants challenge the mind and free the spirit through leading by example..."Keep Portland Weird" is a great bumper sticker to describe what i mean by this. the clothes, the music, the weather, the culture...it's me to the Nth degree. if i moved there i'd be tempted to never come back.

i want a beach house in California...a cabin in Flagstaff...an apartment in Seattle...a three-bedroom house in Phoenix and a beach house/cabin combo in Florida or the Carolinas. i want it all. and that's just America...i want to be in Northern Europe with a hint of everything else as well. i want the world to be my house.

i know God intends to have me settle down...everything points to it. but where? where it's safe? where it's fun and lively? where it's beautiful? where i feel like everyone else is like me? where i can find a job or a house? where my husband wants to go? where my family is?

sometimes i feel like my heart's too big. it has too many aspects of desire and love. oh and also, this is where synesthesia sucks, because every place has its colors and i have to live with not only the place but those colors as well for the rest of my life. what if i don't want orange around that long? what if blue gets too mundane?

this is probably the most selfish blog of all time, and i am fully aware that any decision i make like this one once i get married will be a team effort and two-person conclusion. but it's still a trip to think about how much i love and want for a home. i'm not one to assume "oh i'll just stay here" and make it happen. yeah right. i couldn't be like that even if i tried.

but i know Who's in charge at the end of the day, so i'll take His cues and go from there.

hmmm what else...oh yeah. my sister wrote a blog about sex and it was really great. she made a joke about the fact that not many people have waited until marriage for it [which was in no way judgemental], and it made me think about the fact that i live in one of the rarest houses i've ever heard of. first of all, a house full of five unmarried girls in their twenties would be an abomination less than a century ago. second of all, the fact that the majority of us have genuinely loved Jesus 85% of our lives and have not had sex [with plenty of opportunities, since we're not ogres] makes us even more of a conundrum. take tonight for example...four of us spent the summer night together in a candlelit backyard, with the Village soundtrack playing, and with hookah and beer. i can hardly name five other people i know of who'd naturally do all of those things at the same time, to a responsible extent, and then also love Jesus with us. we're the girls who love action movies just as much as romantic comedies, who listen to Blindside and Iron & Wine and Kelly Clarkson all in the same playlist, who wear dangly earrings and chucks, and who have a serious affinity for colors and movie soundtracks. we are the irony and humor of God Himself in female form to challenge the way society thinks. welcome. two of us are still single and we're goin' by fast. :P

i think i'll hate myself if i don't try to sleep at this point. sweet dreams America.

an eclectic assortment of words.

i guess i have enough thoughts for a blog.

i think the thing about dying that makes life look so beautiful is the absence of chronology in your memories...all you think of are the laughs, the smiles, the heart flutters you've had in one big mess of recollections. suddenly the layers collide into a masterpiece of depth and feeling that surpass the difficult and the painful times. in fact, the tapestry is even more beautiful with the darker shades to accentuate the light.

it all makes sense, it's all understandable...it was all okay all along.

you don't have to be dying to see life this way. that's an extreme example. i know there have been experiences and circumstances that felt like bamboo chutes under my fingernails the entire time and had me before God everyday with a "what the hell are You doing?!" type of expression on my face. but now that they've passed, i can look back on most of them and think "you know...it had its beauty" and be satisfied with the fact that it happened. not wishing for it to return, but happy that i got the chance to experience it.

maybe that's what it means to live life with no regrets...respecting the past for what it is and not dwelling on the fact that the present and the future are going to look different now. i am learning to trust God not only with each stage of my life, but also how and when the transitions between stages come to pass. and also my state of mind in the midst of it all.

on a slightly different note, i'm learning what it means to live like Jesus without actually trying to be Jesus. Jesus, who can be everything to everyone, both a Rock and alive, both human and divine, both grace and justice, both servant and shepherd. nice.

it's like we're all ants and God is an adult person. He becomes an ant and sees that we have puny brains and only know how to use five words for communication. so He uses those words as best as He can to portray meaning and purpose that transcend those five simple words beyond imagination. then tells us to follow Him.

so do we hang on to those five words we understand? do we imitate and preach those five words with all that is inside of us? or are we called to seek that transcending meaning and purpose somehow...reach past those words? reach past our puny brain? are we ants called to a human's comprehension?

i just know that i'm coming up against situations that Jesus could handle and i can't. Jesus could be that shoulder to cry on when mine would shatter under the pressure. Jesus can love without defenses and defend without walls. Jesus can be her way, can be his truth, can be their life. i know what Jesus can do and would do. He uses words my ant brain can't fathom. but what am i to do with Him inside of me? i am still an ant. i still have limits. i am still both mortal and flawed. i can't handle all of who He is.

unless i can, somehow.

like i said, i'm learning.

on another different and much lighter note! i recommend this adorable movie:

i saw it in IMAX 3D with my friends for part of my 21st birthday celebration and it made me very happy inside. it's another one of those kids movies that has enough humor to be for an older audience as well. watch it if you want some cheering up. :)

and yes, i DID drink on my big 2-1 extravaganza. a WHOLE beer! hahah i would've [responsibly] had more, but Yardhouse is quite expensive [$6.25 a beer?! i'm sorry?!?!] and i'd only gotten about six hours of sleep the night before, making me tired to begin with and then even more relaxed with food and beer. my friends were tired too, so i decided i'd wait for a more convenient time to really do my taste testing and alcohol education. :P overall, it was a very fun/funny/happy/silly time with my dearest of friends. score for me.

alright it's bed time. until we meet again...

soul on fire.

i think i'm going to coin the phrase mental hypothermia. here's how it goes...

in a healthy mental state, there are many things that acquire differing ranges of awareness, the basic thoughts being the foundation of the more complex thoughts. knowing your school is paid for allows for more concentration on homework. knowing God loves you allows for more concentration on how to grow and walk with Him. knowing you are healthy and alive allows for concentration on the daily tasks that accumulate a life.

mental hypothermia would be the case when one or more of those simple thoughts or truths falls through or shifts, leading to concentration more on the simple thoughts than the complex and detailed thoughts. the more this happens, the less mental activity is evenly distributed. eventually you are mentally immobile from the founding thoughts of what is true or what is real. it is all you have the capacity to think about. it is mental survival mode.

yeah, welcome. if my brain were a body, my fingers and toes would be way past numb at this point and my limbs are on their way as well. i contract all of my thoughts into my core to keep the little warmth i have left, the truth that is my only comfort and anchor. little else is possible to focus on. little else matters. my mind is in the fetal position and the deafness of bloodless ears is setting in. everything drowns out. all my blood, all my focus, is in the core.

and that's not a great place to be in as a student, an employee, a daughter, a sister, a girlfriend, and a leader of a major club all at once. not a great place at all.

i don't want to live in survival mode. survival is not life. i want to face the cold of this world and be warmed from within...enough to withstand and outlast these blizzards. i want a soul on fire.

i pray hard for a spark.

"because the struggles of this world are blistering."

the title of this blog is the chorus of a song by Dead Poetic...a band among others that never ceases to keep me anchored to memories. and days like today will add to those memories.

it reminds me of the concept of a heart with a sunburn...a blistering sunburn, thanks to life. it's a cry to God for some relief, some rebirth, some revolution.

i am so tired.

i am SO tired.

of so many things.

i would love to have zero connections in this world and keep all of my pain and flaws and potential destruction to myself. and selfishly, also so that others' problems don't effect me either. because i am so incredibly tired.

that's not just figuratively, either. i'm prone to anemia and was anemic for awhile until my mom realized i was sleeping ten hours a night and also taking naps during the day. i take a vitamin with iron everyday for it, but still...i'm never quite as energized as those around me.

that may seem like a random fact to share, but it really hasn't helped with everything happening in my life right now. i see and hear and feel walls crashing all around me...all i want to do is sleep. in a world of pain and hard times, my bed is soft. in a life that has conflicting needs and wants and desires, i am allowed to need and want sleep.

left and right i feel like holding people close, screaming at them, firing them from my life, feeling so grateful for them and then hating them. HATING them. and hate is not a healthy feeling. i'm just all over the place. my relationships keep me lifted up and weighed down all at once.

i hope no one takes this blog personally. this is clearly an issue of mine and not yours. and it's time to hang out with God and talk about it a little more.

love you all. really.

"bleed one more time for me

because my heart is filled with loneliness

and this world is filled with loneliness

bleed one more time for me

because the struggles of this world are blistering"

bits and pieces of progress.

i guess there's a lot i could write for an update in here!

first of all...it finally happened people...i got a job. :) i now work with my roommate Blair in a cardiologist's office. she and two other girls do medical billing and my main job is filing...sounds easy, but when you're dealing with around 45 different types of documents [which differ in format depending on who/when they are from], the job gets tedious and slow. but i honestly love it so far! it's amazing not being in retail anymore...no customers, no rushes, no weekends, no SALES...it's just me and my job that i'm allowed to do with my iPod and coffee. yes. thank you God for the best job i could've asked for at this point in my life.

as many of you already know, my parents are getting divorced. the process began during my spring break [haha] and is just doing its thing still. don't tell me you're sorry...because i'm honestly not. i don't think anyone who knows the situation is. there's a lot that goes into it, so i also ask you not to look at the situation as a stranger and decide what you think about it. would you believe me if i told you God set it up to be possible?

i'm definitely changing my major from Bachelor's in Science to Bachelor's in Arts for Psychology. i know i will never want to do research and that's what the science degree is for...if i do anything with Psych, it would be counseling. so yeah that will hopefully help me like school again and feel like i'm actually learning something for what i'm interested in doing. i'm fine with doing hard work as long as it's leading toward the goal i want in the long run. now i just have to meet with an advisor...

i need to clean my room. it's making me sad right now.

enjoy the day!

"Everything Was Beautiful and Nothing Hurt"

seems like i either have twenty people read a post of mine or no one at all. odd.

this one may not make sense. i feel like expressing a few things that i don't feel like actually explaining. love me through it.

five or six years ago marks the era in which my spirit and soul felt hospitalized, like i couldn't move without pain or overwhelming weakness. it was all i could do to push and pull air through my lungs over and over. i had no external drive to live except for the natural instincts of my body to survive. sometimes i even prayed that if God had some sort of quota to meet for giving people cancer, let it be me since i wouldn't miss a world like this anyway. i didn't want to fight the sensation that i was slowly and inevitibly drowning. depression? if we're being overly simple and vague, sure i was depressed.

then it was as if God gave me pure oxygen to breathe, in the form of His warmth and love and company. everything was beautiful and nothing hurt. love burned inside of me and the walls of my heart were etched with words and truth that remain there today, a few embers refusing to die. my "morphine" was an adventure that consumed my thoughts and time and energy and took my mind off the pain and the indifference i felt if i was left alone with my thoughts. i felt alive. so incredibly alive. and so incredibly sure of myself as well. i was healing.

but as time went by i was less and less effected by the [figurative] drug. it didn't feel real. it felt stagnant and supressing. i felt like it was holding me down from a real life. a better life. so i quit cold turkey. i was discharged from the hospital my soul was in and was sent out into the unknown. and for awhile i was excited and at peace.

for awhile. for a year.

then i started realizing how mediocre the mixture of gases i breathed felt. i missed the pure oxygen. and i also started realizing how uneventful my body's natural balance of chemicals in my body felt. i missed the morphine, even when there was no pain like before. all on my own, even with Him by my side, i felt like less of a person than i did when my heart was in that hospital room. my black and white had faded to grey...darkening so many whites in my life. my fluttering heart flatlined...seeming to be utterly useless and faulty. words can't describe how incomprehensibly remorseful and stupid and arrogant i felt for ever leaving that hospital bed or giving up on that adventure. i may as well have internally died. i was now a walking shell with nothing inside. where before i felt so much pain, i now felt nothing.

but a few things here and there brought about a heartbeat inside of me. not all was lost. different adventures offered themselves and i explored a few and thoroughly enjoyed them. i still am. i am still pushing and pulling air through my lungs...i am still alive. and i have found ways to make myself useful while i'm here.

is it wrong to be dissatisfied with a healthy and steady heartbeat? is it pretentious to look past the warm blessings right in front of me in the sunlight and lose myself in the fire that burned me so much deeper when i was in the cold and dark? can there be no fire where there is also sun?

can i not be healthiest and happiest i could ever imagine being simultaneously? do i need the hospital for the happiness? do i need the mediocrity for the health?

maybe i'm asking to have my cake and eat it too. maybe i'm asking for ice cream in a world that also requires some bitter tastes in my mouth for health. maybe i really can't have both.

maybe i dream of Heaven already.

all i know is that the air keeps coming. i must keep breathing.

and for now, i must also sleep.

sweet dreams.

farewell.

well, it happened.

four albums, three EPs and a few projects here and there later, one of the most talented and loved bands i have ever had the pleasure of listening to is breaking up.

Copeland.

my blood's musical saline when i feel weak, my ears' salve when they've been burned with lesser noise, my spirit's meadow of wild grass i've run through so many times with God.

this band has truly changed my life. they taught me about love, life, pain, hope, and faith at a time in my life when so many other things could have infected my soul for the worse. one verse into the first song of their's i ever heard and i was hooked, and have been so for seven years. seven long and happy years.

farewell, my most beloved group of musicians. never stop loving music.

i dedicate your own song to you: