wants and fears and maybes.

this is going to be a frank blog.


sometimes all i want is this:

and then i'll get over it and convince myself that i want to do more with my life before settling down. so i'll want these:

then i'll find more important priorities for this moment in my life and, instead, want this:

and ALWAYS, in my heart of hearts, wanting to BE this:

and when that doesn't work out, and i'm trying to feel good about where exactly i'm at in this world and in my life, i want all of this:

and as i try to accumulate all my desires and it slowly but surely reveals itself to be unsatisfactory, i'm wanting this again to find some peace:

and the entire thing becomes a cycle.

it is a cycle of want, want, want, want, want, i, i, i, i, i, i, i.

i somehow get caught up in the assumption that this life is my own, that this life is my blank canvas to splatter whatever paint i'd like on it. i am enchanted with "adventure" and "beauty" and "art" and my days are consumed with ideas on how to get all of those things. i spend most of my free time, money, and effort pursuing any/all of those images of happiness.

because all of that equals a significant life in my human mind.

because if any of that is missing in my life, and i live a life of wanting/loving it without having it, and others see me without it and assume that it was never a goal/love of mine, then they may not know me. and all i want in this world is to be known.

there's the fear. there's the adrenaline behind the gigantic, tangled chase that i constantly find myself in. the fear of being insignificant, overlooked, and therefore unwanted.

if you've read my blog AT ALL, you should guess where i'm going to say the calming of this fear is found.

in His arms.

when i let go of those wants, of those dreams, of those fears, He fills me up and offers what i need. and really, desires are only avenues through which we believe our needs will be met.

maybe my life can be all that it could be without any of those pictures being a reality for me.

maybe, just maybe, He really is enough.

"i've got a sweeter song than the birds in the trees."

i just watched Father of the Bride with Blair, and i was reminded that the song "My Girl" was constantly in it. i love that song...since my birthday is in May, i feel like it could easily be about me ("when it's cold outside, i've got the month of May...") to someone someday. har har har :P

my last semester of undergraduate school is feeling LONG. i'm only two weeks into this? i'm sure i'll be thinking the exact opposite come December. "IT'S ALREADY OVER?!?!" yep, just you wait.

well i've been researching grad schools like crazy, and only two have shined through as legitimate options. my standards were Christian schools that had a Masters program for Family and Marriage Therapy. and the finalists are:

Fuller Theological Seminary - Pasadena, CA

that's a picture of their Prayer Garden. SURE. i've never visited the campus, but southern California has a special place in my heart. they have year-long housing less than a mile from campus. so this would be me living my life:

and then there's:

George Fox University - Portland, OR

the Portland center is just a building, so it wasn't worth a picture of the actual building. THIS is the city it is in. i visited Portland with my dad a few years ago and it felt like just right amount of quirk and cool for me. it constantly rains and is cold, so this would be me everyday:

am i choosing between the two based on how i'd look being there? i wish. but God doesn't exactly go off of aesthetics like i sometimes wish. ;) but both of them have the degree program i'm looking for, both of them are going to be expensive, and the lifestyle they'd both offer appeal to me greatly.

God hasn't opened a clear and concise door to either of them.

so maybe i'm staying put for awhile.

i have eight months to process it. until then, i'll soak in all that i can of Phoenix, of working for Younglife, of my classes, and of my cherished community here. i'll (do my best to) soak in THE MOMENT.

my dog is quietly chewing a mysterious entity. i must investigate.

see ya!

at the end of all things.

my laptop has 69% of its battery remaining, and that's about how much energy my body has as well. let's see how far it gets me.

my internship ended two days ago, along with my summer.

i think what has scared me the most is how easily i slipped back into my life in Phoenix. i didn't realize that i would have to manually apply everything i learned at camp to my life here. it makes sense, but i wasn't expecting that issue i guess.

so what DID i learn at camp, you ask? here's a taste of a few things:

• everyone fails. learn from it and move on.
• Jesus chooses my ministry, not me.
• leaning into discomfort is humbling.
• my personality has a significant place in the Kingdom.
• sometimes conversations need to happen even if i don't have the entire situation figured out in my head.
• prayer effects eternity.
• community is give-and-take.
• God gives me the desires of my heart as i learn how to want the same things He does.
• busyness is not purpose. purpose is not busyness.
• everything has a season.
• being a woman is difficult but not impossible. i will face the challenge.

the last one is slightly humorous but also pretty legitimate. ask me to elaborate in person and i shall. :)

so begins my life of classes, Student Staff, traveling, and the great unknown of God's will.

i shall begin such a life with BEDTIME. :)

sweetest of dreams to you.

Third Session: power outages and healing.

here's a fun story worth sharing:

we had a power outage today at 11:50ish. everything went quiet and dark, and we were supposed to be serving lunch at 12:30pm.

six hours earlier at the beginning of the AM shift, John had prayed "God, if anything goes wrong today, please just use it for Your glory."

that was the first thing i thought of when the lights and music went out. how God's weird glory was going to play out.

luckily we had made all the food we needed, it was just a matter of bowling/plating it up and keeping it warm. we stuck the burners we use for buffet lines into our warmers and we became Fridge/Freezer Door Nazis with the Work Crew. :P John and i were working at the stove, using the gas that was still working to finish making hush puppies and special diet meals. we started discussing the possibility of the power outage being caused by a nuclear apocalypse. what if everyone else on the planet was dead, and we were the only community still alive? what if we had to populate the planet again? and here's where it got hilarious and borderline inappropriate...who would our camp spouses be? you can imagine the fervent conversation that came from that one amongst the Summer Staff.

then we started treating the power outage like we were in 300 and we were facing a massive battle. "We will serve in the SHADE!!!" was my favorite line i heard.

well 12:30 came around and we were ready to get going, even if the food was slightly less warm than usual. the Work Crew sang "Wonderwall" on stage as the campers came into the Dining Hall (still bright from all the windows) since the sound system was out, and then they ran back in the dark kitchen to get their trays. it felt just as hectic as it usually does during meal times, but ran just as smoothly. it was precisely at the end of the meal when the power came back on and we all cheered.

i'll never be able to fully understand how God works, but i could feel the teamwork amongst our cook team like never before. we were all thrown into the same circumstance and leaned on each other to make it through. we even had a fun time doing it. i think He worked in us and through us FOR us. i love His quirky style.

He uses strange moments like these to heal my heart in ways i didn't know it needed. today, He reminded me that i am not alone. i've honestly felt desperately alone lately, and it's been a hunger that i haven't known how to stifle or satisfy. how exactly does one "give that to God" in a way that actually leads to peace? every woman i know that feels the same way can testify with me in saying that it is a wrestling match that never truly ends.

but today, He soothed the pain. He gave me a team who had my back and were likeminded in mission and in passion, which is the foundation of any healthy relationship. He made it fun and enjoyable. He made it a learning experience. He brought our differences together and used them to benefit each other.

i was not alone, and i know that if the "ish" ever hits the fan again that i will not be alone. even if all is well for the rest of my life, i will not be alone. not just because He is in me, but because He has graciously given me a vibrant community that keeps growing.

my God is Healer, and today He used a power outage to do it.

it's time to bike ride with my kitchen buddy Mikaela, shower off the nastiness, then go see the final installment of my beloved fantasy series tonight in theatres.

until we meet again. ;)

a garden's thoughts on her Gardener's intentions.

sometimes i feel like a garden...multi-faceted, colorful, seasonal, never fully seen in one view.

and yet i have rarely felt known in this way.

He is my gardener...even i have difficulty understanding my seasons, my colors, my textures, or the care it takes to tend to it all.

i have been known in one context, but completely misunderstood in another.

some of my colors have been loved while the others have been neglected.

i have been accepted at first sight, only to be rejected as the journey through my garden reveals undesirable traits.

people are flawed, including myself. i get that. but i'm not sure i could ever share my life with a man who couldn't accept or understand my garden to it's fullest. this takes time, effort, and probably a lot of prayer for some insight from the Gardener Himself. who'd do that? would i even want them to?

all i know is that i have felt most known by those who have taught ME about my garden, and have loved the parts God has grown that i tend to avoid or am ashamed of. the relationships that consisted of me explaining my garden all the time have been the easiest to shed, because i was never known and therefore never truly loved.

is it considered "putting up walls" when i reject someone who doesn't show interest in discovering me by his own effort?

is it unrealistic to wait for a man who will tread lightly in wisdom and in prayer through the depths of who i am before saying yes to me and spouting off marriage talk?

is it arrogant to believe that i am worth the time or the pursuit or the hardships that come with a man falling in love with the land that is my soul?

God is my gardener. He created me with care and creativity and mystery. i believe that.

and these have been my late-night thoughts on what to do with such a place. time for bed!

love.

Second Session already?

i'm almost halfway through this internship. that is unreal. i remember my first day like it was last week.

in ways it is getting easier, in ways it is getting harder.

as God accomplishes His will for growth in practical areas of my life, like shouldering significant responsibilities and gracefully facing failure, He is now moving on to relational areas of growth.

He is closing doors i've never had an issue opening. He is opening doors i didn't even know existed. He is blasting through walls to show me how He doesn't need doors at all.

He is dancing for me, and i have never felt His love like this.

i have seen it before in the beauty of Colorado, where i felt like we were on a five-day date together.

i have heard it before in encouraging words of friends and mentors, where i felt called and lifted up to do things i never imagined i could.

i have felt it before in the truth and majesty of music, where i could dance with Him and give His gift back with my voice.

this is a different love, and it is difficult to describe.

all i know is that He truly is jealous for me in this moment, because every distraction is stifled and removed as my eyes start to wander. i'd be lying if i said being 100% focused on God didn't feel like taking a class or reading a non-fiction book all day. both of those things are wonderful and beneficial, but without breaks it becomes painful. i'm not saying i need a break from God, but all He is challenging me with is beginning to wear on my attitude and heart, and i have begun looking for breaks from that load.

pray that i live in the joy and peace of Christ for awhile. that's on me, not on Him.

hope you all are having summer adventures worth sharing with me later. ;)

on cultivating and grace.

my soul is being cultivated in this place.

that sounds lovely, right?

this is what you use to cultivate soil:

...it is not lovely.

it hurts. it prunes. it strips down. it disshovels. it is relentless toward areas of my heart that are set in their ways and begging to be left alone.

it means to make use of me, not to make me feel great.

it has my purpose in mind, not my pleasures.

and even though it feels like i hit wall after wall after wall with no breakthrough in sight, i know that i am being cultivated deeper and deeper into my being.

i have a feeling i am going to hit some form of a "rock bottom" in order to learn that i don't need my accomplishments or pleasing attributes to deserve worth or grace or to be wanted. i don't need to be a tan mountain goddess in order to fit in at Lost Canyon. i don't need to be the life of the party in order to be invited to the party. i don't need to be a chef in the making in order to be needed and wanted on Lost Canyon's kitchen staff.

i am not here because i am the most qualified person they could find. i am here because of who i am.

why i'm here = grace

the cultivating of my soul = grace

the pain and hardship that comes with that process = grace

i am here to be smacked in the face with the heart of God. and i am terrified.

i'd be lying if i said i'm not still trying to cling to the habits and thought patterns of my "past"...the me that thinks grace tastes like cherry cough syrup.

i wrote this years ago, and it applies to my life even more so now than it did back then:

"sometimes truth is facing the things we fear the most, only to find that their consequences aren't as devastating as we assumed. and the opposite of fear is love."

so there you have it.

i am safe, but not comfortable.

i am at peace, but not restful.

i am healing, but it is through breaking me down.

life is good, and i shall live it.

i'm off to go shower. thank you all for your support and prayers for me as i walk this narrow path.

the first five days.

i suck at adding pictures to my blog. they're so time-consuming and i never feel like i take pictures worth the effort. i'll push through one of these days.

i've been at Lost Canyon since Monday, and i already feel like i've been here a month.

my fellow interns and myself are all being super intentional about creating community together. we walk everywhere together, mix up the company so that we're always talking to someone fairly new in the group, and we encourage the crap out of each other in our work...i can't tell you how many of them have called me out by name to thank me for their breakfast or lunch. we've already scratched the surface of life stories and some of us have already cried together about struggles and fears. i can also see the intention in keeping things neutral between the guys and the girls...about 40% of the group is already dating someone anyway. five days and i already have a safe and loving family. what?!

some would say it's the magic of Lost Canyon. others would say it's because we've all gotten in the Summer Staff mentality of "doing life together" while working our @sses off. others might say it's because the Camp Staff did their best to hire the best applicants they received, so we're all bound to be likeable people.

i say it's God stirring up life-change in all of us. sure, that's the more epic and romantic way of looking at the chemistry between us, but you wouldn't believe some of the crazy ways a few of us got here. Sean in the Whistle Stop turned down an internship at Malibu to come here because she had a dream where God told her as clear as day that she needed to be in Arizona for the summer. Allie on the Ropes Course had no idea why she picked Arizona to apply for a Younglife camp position, but she did and now she's here. i was about to go home from visiting Missy in the hospital on New Years Eve when Tracey Beal randomly spouted out that i should apply for an internship again.

those are just a few of the crazy ways God planted the seed inside of all of us to be here in this moment together.

i can't wait to go on this journey with these people.

it's naptime, then shower time, then some sort of community time.

love and miss those of you who aren't here with me!

skeleton bones stand at the sound of eternity on the lips of the found.

over a month later! sorry, hah.

so i leave my home and my life in 30ish hours for the entire summer to Lost Canyon. it's guaranteed to be a positive experience but that doesn't make it any less daunting.

on top of that, i have quite the future ahead of me once i return.

to be aware that God has been growing you for something is a scary realization.

to be aware that you are ready for something significant is a scary realization.

to be aware that a chapter of your life is ending and another is beginning is a scary realization.

i fade in and out of this fear as i fade in and out of those realizations.

a close friend of mine spoke to me recently about a verse he "couldn't get off of him." i liked that imagery, and i think that led to why i feel the same way about it now. it's Matthew 10:27.

I tell you these things in the dark, but I want you to tell them in the light. What you hear whispered in your ear you should shout from the rooftops.

i know this is the light in which i must speak, and these are the rooftops on which i must shout. because i know that the darkest times of my past were meant for this. His solace for my soul that brought me back to life in those moments were meant for this.

one of my best friends got married yesterday. i saw her go through extreme excitement, then suddenly feel anxious within that excitement, then go back to pure excitement. in the end, she experienced the happiest day of her life thus far. i totally get that.

there will be time to blog.

there will be time to take pictures.

i'll still be here. :)

alright, it's time to start doing laundry for this thing.

thank you all for shaping me into a person worthy of the call. :) love you beyond belief.

personality tests and lies.

this is the first blog in awhile that hasn't been the result of an insomniac mental trail. hah.

i can't believe we're getting close to being halfway through 2011. years feel shorter as you get older.

but that's beside the point.

this past weekend was Younglife's annual leader retreat, and i could feel the intention and the heart behind everything the adult leaders did with/for us. i even got to lead a section of the day, and what came out of that experience (my own and others') is what will be the focus of this blog.

Beasley showed me a personality test she loves awhile back, and i took it and felt like i was staring at a personalized description of myself when i got the results back. they were scary-accurate. and the best/worst part was that all of my crap and struggles were right there in front of my face, including advice on how to work on them. the analysis section of the test describes how different personalities lead, how they follow, how they handle conflict and how they measure success...EVERYTHING a leadership team needs to know about themselves and each other. i knew the minute that the leadership retreat was being discussed that i needed to pitch the test to the leaders in charge. they loved the idea and let me head it up.

so i typed out the test, administered it to our team, and we discussed what their results meant. there was laughter, there was awe, there was instant vulnerability. here's what happened that i had earnestly prayed for, but still caught me off-guard about when it actually became a reality:

• my leaders gracefully entered into their vulnerability, and owned their identity.
• my leaders verbally expressed how broken their weaknesses made them feel, and without a second thought, other leaders verbally affirmed wonderful things about that leader that made them a beautiful and necessary asset to our team.
• my leaders kept their tests safe, and kept the letters that represented their personalities constantly in conversation (which tells me they were genuinely listening and applying it).
• my leaders found new ways to enjoy one another based on their new enlightenment on how that person is wired.
• my leaders let me make them feel like crap, and grew from it right before my eyes.
• my leaders, in their vulnerability, were leaders.

i have never been so proud of my beautiful team. Christ ALWAYS shows up when you give Him the reigns to a situation.

so that entire weekend experience brought to mind a thought that i've had before about what walking with Christ looks like. it can be extremely easy to view God as the voice in our heads that makes us feel better about ourselves when Satan makes us feel like crap.

YOU'RE UGLY! No you are not, you are My beautiful child.

YOUR WORK ADDS UP TO NOTHING! It adds up to everything, because it is for My powerful will for the world.

YOU'LL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH! I loved you and died for you and chose you before I created the world. You are all I want.

these are classic battles that i've faced and many others seem to have faced as well, and i am in no way saying that these are invalid.

but if you think all God is going to whisper in your ear is stuff that makes you feel better when you feel down about yourself, you've entangled yourself in significant self-deception that is crippling your growth and development.

because Satan's lies aren't all going to hurt your feelings...

LIFE IS WHAT YOU MAKE OF IT! My way is the only way worth following.

DON'T BE FRIENDS WITH PEOPLE WHO HURT YOU! You hurt people too. Forgive.

YOU EARN WHAT YOU GET AND YOU DESERVE WHAT YOU EARN! Everything is a gift from Me.

FOLLOW YOUR HEART! Follow Me, for I know your heart best.

...and God's truths aren't all going to make you feel great. i saw that this weekend. i've also seen friends avoid hard truths because they blindly believe that God's voice is always the one that validates their best qualities. they believe spiritual battles mean that Satan makes you sad and God makes you happy.

that may be one of the worst lies about God i've ever heard, or seen someone believe.

i believe Truth looks a lot like the results from that personality test. here's an example of what my dominant characteristic is described as:

"D" Behavior

Basic Motivation: Challenge and Control

Desires: Freedom from control, authority, varied activities, choices (rather than ultimatums)

Responds Best to Leader or Follower Who: Provides direct answers, sticks to a task, gets to the point, provides pressure, allows freedom for personal accomplishments

Needs to Learn: You need people, relaxation is not a crime, some controls are needed, everyone has a boss, self-control is most important, to focus on finishing well is important, sensitivity to people's feelings is wise.

there it is. Truth.

here's reality, here are your weaknesses that come with that reality, and here are things you can work on to utilize your strengths better.

no fluffy insides, no warm fuzzy feelings, no watered-down abstract "we're all sinners" schpeal on how flaws don't matter.

here's where you are on the map, and here are some steps you can start taking toward growth.

that is so incredibly the voice of God...when you are broken and yet held together with hope from just one sentence, just one truth.

so if you're listening for warm and positive thoughts from God to come your way, i'd have to argue that you aren't seeking Truth. you're seeking endorphines.

depending on the stage of life you're in, you may need to be reminded of God's love a lot more than others, and i understand that.

but i would challenge all of you to think about the last time the voice of God pulled the rug out from under your feet...the last time He revealed your weaknesses and then proceeded to tell you to do even more than you could do when you felt strong...the last time it was God that made you feel like crap.

if it's been awhile, i'd process through why that is.

if it was this weekend up in Flag with me, words can't describe how proud i am of you.

:)