Falling slowly...

i love the Fall.

i need to end up somewhere that loves the Fall too...where the trees give into their seasonal death and carpet the ground with their crunchy leaves. where sweaters aren't just a nice idea, but are necessary for warmth. where contractors build with bricks and construction workers pave roads around the trees.

yep.

in other news, this semester is kicking my rear-end in a lot of dumb and great and beautiful ways. it's like a diet version of my internship, haha.

school feels like it will never end, and that i have fifteen more exams in each class to stress about until i'm outta there. being on Younglife staff feels like an adventure that i'm figuring out as i go, and it's scary and real and wonderful. my family and friends are making/planning/dreaming crazy changes that will inevitably alter life as i personally know it, and that feels particularly bittersweet.

we are the current residents of the Pontiac household.

Sarah has been there four years, i have been there three years, Blair has been there almost two years, and Katherine has been there a few months.

roommates have come, gone, and stuck around during the three years i've been here, and it has been a journey that has healed me to deeper depths than i thought i even needed.

i know beyond a shadow of a doubt that these will be days to cherish the rest of my life.

i thank my God every time i remember you.

so that's life for now. i'll keep you posted on my adventures in choosing a grad school as i visit them and seek His voice about where to go. :)

Happy Weekend to all.

Katelyn's Favorite Things.

fun blog! fun for me, at least. :) here are a few of my favorite things as of late. unfortunately, most of them are not cheap buy-on-the-fly type of favorite things. most of them i don't own, and feel FREE to tuck these away in your memory as Christmas, my college graduation, and my birthday approach... :P

beach cruisers. i especially love this color...minty green turquoisey teal. :)

these specific Ralph Lauren sunglasses in this specific color. i would treat them as carefully as my phone because they're essPENsive, but they had me at hello. there's no turning back.

these Barnes & Noble bookends. SO precious, and my books tend to flop over on my book shelf. i can't stop smiling at them!

this specific collection of classics that Barnes & Noble sells in their leatherbound classic series of books. they're all beautiful, and i don't own any of them except the Jane Austen volumes. they're so prettyyyyy.

bomber jackets. this one is from Target, and is probably one of the lesser expensive of my favorite things, haha. i think with the right scarf and blouse, this will look more chic than biker. that would be my hope, anyway. heh.

boots! i know these are mix-match, and i don't know where they're from, but i LAWF them. see you in my futurrrrre!

that's all for now.

peace and blessin's, peace and blessin's.

:)

keep the earth below my feet

this is what life looks like right now.

the path is laid out before me, but the journey looks both intriguing and freaky. but i am thankful to not be alone in this initial phase of the walk. :)

being on staff with Younglife is no piece of cake. t'is not for the faint-hearted. it's a marathon that requires almost everything you've got on almost every level. i love it, but i'm already exhausted.

this is my last semester of classes before i graduate. four classes at West and an online class through Rio Salado. i know i can do it, but the hardest part is finding the motivation to want to do it. i could get myself freaked out at the thought of not being able to graduate in 10 weeks to find motivation to succeed, but that just stressed me out and gets me nowhere. i'm trudging along alright, but it's painful.

in a few differing circumstances, God is stretching me with personalities/worldviews that conflict with mine. i'm usually someone open to new types of people, but for some reason these particular individuals get under my skin and crawl around for awhile. i think my processing of what being Christlike toward them looks like is His way of training me to stand on my two feet in love and respect, rather than the anger and arrogance i am prone to stand on. i'm thankful, but it sucks.

to sum up life in this moment, all you have to do is read the last sentences of the previous three paragraphs.

life = i love it, but i'm already exhausted

life = i'm trudging along alright, but it's painful

life = i'm thankful, but it sucks

so proceeds the bittersweetness of living. ;)

let this thought soothe you, wherever you're at today:

keep the earth below my feet

for all my sweat, my blood runs weak

let me learn from where i have been

keep my eyes discerned, my hands to learn

seasons and Seattle.

a lot is happening.

it almost feels like my heart is packing its bags and moving to a new neighborhood to build a new life.

maybe i'm subconsciously going with the flow of the seasonal change...who knows.

but God is moving. and it hurts and it excites and it frees and it binds me up.

i'm facing age-old problems in my heart in entirely new ways, with the help of those who have gone before me.

everything i've learned seems to have been leading up to this; facing failure, how to completely surrender, where to put my self-worth, how to untangle the unhealthy relationships in my life, all of it. all of it to face this monster of a mountain in my life.

i may have made the biggest mistake of my life six years ago. the idea of that has haunted me since the sleepless night after i made it. i've alluded to it before and i'm doing so again. because this entire time, i've been trying to convince myself that it wasn't a mistake. i did what i needed to do. it wasn't a mistake. it wasn't a mistake.

i think i've come to a place in my heart to be able to face the question...what if i totally blew it?

what if i missed out on something that could have been absolutely wonderful?

i think i've come to a place in my soul to be able to comprehend the truth...that God can redeem anything. even a mistake detrimental to my heart.

that's just a taste of what's coming. :)

alright it's official. there's a third grad program in the running for next fall:

Seattle Pacific University - Seattle, WA

it's been recommended a few times and it has everything on paper that i'm looking for...so...it's an option. :)

stay tuned.

wants and fears and maybes.

this is going to be a frank blog.


sometimes all i want is this:

and then i'll get over it and convince myself that i want to do more with my life before settling down. so i'll want these:

then i'll find more important priorities for this moment in my life and, instead, want this:

and ALWAYS, in my heart of hearts, wanting to BE this:

and when that doesn't work out, and i'm trying to feel good about where exactly i'm at in this world and in my life, i want all of this:

and as i try to accumulate all my desires and it slowly but surely reveals itself to be unsatisfactory, i'm wanting this again to find some peace:

and the entire thing becomes a cycle.

it is a cycle of want, want, want, want, want, i, i, i, i, i, i, i.

i somehow get caught up in the assumption that this life is my own, that this life is my blank canvas to splatter whatever paint i'd like on it. i am enchanted with "adventure" and "beauty" and "art" and my days are consumed with ideas on how to get all of those things. i spend most of my free time, money, and effort pursuing any/all of those images of happiness.

because all of that equals a significant life in my human mind.

because if any of that is missing in my life, and i live a life of wanting/loving it without having it, and others see me without it and assume that it was never a goal/love of mine, then they may not know me. and all i want in this world is to be known.

there's the fear. there's the adrenaline behind the gigantic, tangled chase that i constantly find myself in. the fear of being insignificant, overlooked, and therefore unwanted.

if you've read my blog AT ALL, you should guess where i'm going to say the calming of this fear is found.

in His arms.

when i let go of those wants, of those dreams, of those fears, He fills me up and offers what i need. and really, desires are only avenues through which we believe our needs will be met.

maybe my life can be all that it could be without any of those pictures being a reality for me.

maybe, just maybe, He really is enough.

"i've got a sweeter song than the birds in the trees."

i just watched Father of the Bride with Blair, and i was reminded that the song "My Girl" was constantly in it. i love that song...since my birthday is in May, i feel like it could easily be about me ("when it's cold outside, i've got the month of May...") to someone someday. har har har :P

my last semester of undergraduate school is feeling LONG. i'm only two weeks into this? i'm sure i'll be thinking the exact opposite come December. "IT'S ALREADY OVER?!?!" yep, just you wait.

well i've been researching grad schools like crazy, and only two have shined through as legitimate options. my standards were Christian schools that had a Masters program for Family and Marriage Therapy. and the finalists are:

Fuller Theological Seminary - Pasadena, CA

that's a picture of their Prayer Garden. SURE. i've never visited the campus, but southern California has a special place in my heart. they have year-long housing less than a mile from campus. so this would be me living my life:

and then there's:

George Fox University - Portland, OR

the Portland center is just a building, so it wasn't worth a picture of the actual building. THIS is the city it is in. i visited Portland with my dad a few years ago and it felt like just right amount of quirk and cool for me. it constantly rains and is cold, so this would be me everyday:

am i choosing between the two based on how i'd look being there? i wish. but God doesn't exactly go off of aesthetics like i sometimes wish. ;) but both of them have the degree program i'm looking for, both of them are going to be expensive, and the lifestyle they'd both offer appeal to me greatly.

God hasn't opened a clear and concise door to either of them.

so maybe i'm staying put for awhile.

i have eight months to process it. until then, i'll soak in all that i can of Phoenix, of working for Younglife, of my classes, and of my cherished community here. i'll (do my best to) soak in THE MOMENT.

my dog is quietly chewing a mysterious entity. i must investigate.

see ya!

at the end of all things.

my laptop has 69% of its battery remaining, and that's about how much energy my body has as well. let's see how far it gets me.

my internship ended two days ago, along with my summer.

i think what has scared me the most is how easily i slipped back into my life in Phoenix. i didn't realize that i would have to manually apply everything i learned at camp to my life here. it makes sense, but i wasn't expecting that issue i guess.

so what DID i learn at camp, you ask? here's a taste of a few things:

• everyone fails. learn from it and move on.
• Jesus chooses my ministry, not me.
• leaning into discomfort is humbling.
• my personality has a significant place in the Kingdom.
• sometimes conversations need to happen even if i don't have the entire situation figured out in my head.
• prayer effects eternity.
• community is give-and-take.
• God gives me the desires of my heart as i learn how to want the same things He does.
• busyness is not purpose. purpose is not busyness.
• everything has a season.
• being a woman is difficult but not impossible. i will face the challenge.

the last one is slightly humorous but also pretty legitimate. ask me to elaborate in person and i shall. :)

so begins my life of classes, Student Staff, traveling, and the great unknown of God's will.

i shall begin such a life with BEDTIME. :)

sweetest of dreams to you.

Third Session: power outages and healing.

here's a fun story worth sharing:

we had a power outage today at 11:50ish. everything went quiet and dark, and we were supposed to be serving lunch at 12:30pm.

six hours earlier at the beginning of the AM shift, John had prayed "God, if anything goes wrong today, please just use it for Your glory."

that was the first thing i thought of when the lights and music went out. how God's weird glory was going to play out.

luckily we had made all the food we needed, it was just a matter of bowling/plating it up and keeping it warm. we stuck the burners we use for buffet lines into our warmers and we became Fridge/Freezer Door Nazis with the Work Crew. :P John and i were working at the stove, using the gas that was still working to finish making hush puppies and special diet meals. we started discussing the possibility of the power outage being caused by a nuclear apocalypse. what if everyone else on the planet was dead, and we were the only community still alive? what if we had to populate the planet again? and here's where it got hilarious and borderline inappropriate...who would our camp spouses be? you can imagine the fervent conversation that came from that one amongst the Summer Staff.

then we started treating the power outage like we were in 300 and we were facing a massive battle. "We will serve in the SHADE!!!" was my favorite line i heard.

well 12:30 came around and we were ready to get going, even if the food was slightly less warm than usual. the Work Crew sang "Wonderwall" on stage as the campers came into the Dining Hall (still bright from all the windows) since the sound system was out, and then they ran back in the dark kitchen to get their trays. it felt just as hectic as it usually does during meal times, but ran just as smoothly. it was precisely at the end of the meal when the power came back on and we all cheered.

i'll never be able to fully understand how God works, but i could feel the teamwork amongst our cook team like never before. we were all thrown into the same circumstance and leaned on each other to make it through. we even had a fun time doing it. i think He worked in us and through us FOR us. i love His quirky style.

He uses strange moments like these to heal my heart in ways i didn't know it needed. today, He reminded me that i am not alone. i've honestly felt desperately alone lately, and it's been a hunger that i haven't known how to stifle or satisfy. how exactly does one "give that to God" in a way that actually leads to peace? every woman i know that feels the same way can testify with me in saying that it is a wrestling match that never truly ends.

but today, He soothed the pain. He gave me a team who had my back and were likeminded in mission and in passion, which is the foundation of any healthy relationship. He made it fun and enjoyable. He made it a learning experience. He brought our differences together and used them to benefit each other.

i was not alone, and i know that if the "ish" ever hits the fan again that i will not be alone. even if all is well for the rest of my life, i will not be alone. not just because He is in me, but because He has graciously given me a vibrant community that keeps growing.

my God is Healer, and today He used a power outage to do it.

it's time to bike ride with my kitchen buddy Mikaela, shower off the nastiness, then go see the final installment of my beloved fantasy series tonight in theatres.

until we meet again. ;)

a garden's thoughts on her Gardener's intentions.

sometimes i feel like a garden...multi-faceted, colorful, seasonal, never fully seen in one view.

and yet i have rarely felt known in this way.

He is my gardener...even i have difficulty understanding my seasons, my colors, my textures, or the care it takes to tend to it all.

i have been known in one context, but completely misunderstood in another.

some of my colors have been loved while the others have been neglected.

i have been accepted at first sight, only to be rejected as the journey through my garden reveals undesirable traits.

people are flawed, including myself. i get that. but i'm not sure i could ever share my life with a man who couldn't accept or understand my garden to it's fullest. this takes time, effort, and probably a lot of prayer for some insight from the Gardener Himself. who'd do that? would i even want them to?

all i know is that i have felt most known by those who have taught ME about my garden, and have loved the parts God has grown that i tend to avoid or am ashamed of. the relationships that consisted of me explaining my garden all the time have been the easiest to shed, because i was never known and therefore never truly loved.

is it considered "putting up walls" when i reject someone who doesn't show interest in discovering me by his own effort?

is it unrealistic to wait for a man who will tread lightly in wisdom and in prayer through the depths of who i am before saying yes to me and spouting off marriage talk?

is it arrogant to believe that i am worth the time or the pursuit or the hardships that come with a man falling in love with the land that is my soul?

God is my gardener. He created me with care and creativity and mystery. i believe that.

and these have been my late-night thoughts on what to do with such a place. time for bed!

love.

Second Session already?

i'm almost halfway through this internship. that is unreal. i remember my first day like it was last week.

in ways it is getting easier, in ways it is getting harder.

as God accomplishes His will for growth in practical areas of my life, like shouldering significant responsibilities and gracefully facing failure, He is now moving on to relational areas of growth.

He is closing doors i've never had an issue opening. He is opening doors i didn't even know existed. He is blasting through walls to show me how He doesn't need doors at all.

He is dancing for me, and i have never felt His love like this.

i have seen it before in the beauty of Colorado, where i felt like we were on a five-day date together.

i have heard it before in encouraging words of friends and mentors, where i felt called and lifted up to do things i never imagined i could.

i have felt it before in the truth and majesty of music, where i could dance with Him and give His gift back with my voice.

this is a different love, and it is difficult to describe.

all i know is that He truly is jealous for me in this moment, because every distraction is stifled and removed as my eyes start to wander. i'd be lying if i said being 100% focused on God didn't feel like taking a class or reading a non-fiction book all day. both of those things are wonderful and beneficial, but without breaks it becomes painful. i'm not saying i need a break from God, but all He is challenging me with is beginning to wear on my attitude and heart, and i have begun looking for breaks from that load.

pray that i live in the joy and peace of Christ for awhile. that's on me, not on Him.

hope you all are having summer adventures worth sharing with me later. ;)