"Life"

it's funny how my life looks to others when i tell them what i'm up to lately. they say things like "keep enjoying life" and "it's great to hear that you're doing so well."

do i really sound so well? i would think something a little above getting-through-this-hour living would be considered that great. but that's not what they see. they see the college journey, the challenging classes, and the social life. those things are truly mine, and i appreciate them greatly.

but is that the stuff of my life?

it's the stuff people want to hear, i suppose.

a dear friend of mine shared with YoungLife club last night about how shallow scratches scab over while they are healing, but deep scratches first heal from the inside and don't make themselves "pretty" until they are completely healed. the deep wound is healed before the outside looks any different. and just like she related to this healing, i do as well.

my emotions still have their downward tendencies and i still feel like breathing is a chore. i still feel like in spite of having all these traits of a great life around me, i have nothing to keep me warm. but there is warmth inside of me. my body touches this world but it only feels His arms, where i rest. we don't talk much...we don't need to. because i know that despite my despair, i am being healed. despite all reality, my soul is under the spell of a miracle.

at the moment, this is only knowledge. because i am human, i can't grasp it yet because i can't feel it or see it.

it's hard to say what i feel and see. if my life were split into three levels, three completely different scenarios, people, and emotions would be taking place within me. and all three are simultaneous. i can't be sure of anything.

but something tells me i'm in the perfect place for me...this is exactly what i need.

so once again, i press on.


to you, goodbye.

and to you, hello.

and you, i'm sorry.