it's been awhile since my last blog, it feels.
i can seriously taste profound change coming my way. it's exciting and terrifying and freeing. it has a fight-or-flight feel to it.
some of that is guaranteed with this three-month internship at Lost Canyon coming up soon. my comfort zone will be non-existent and the service i'm doing feels as humble as it could get. i'm thinking i'll gain a courage i've been lacking while losing a pride i've been cultivating. He always knows what i need.
but some of that change is beyond my sight, and it's better that way. my mind has a way of spoiling things that should be left alone. better that things catch me by surprise and sweep me off my feet.
some change that has already come has been in our house. Missy is making the gradual move out of our room into the empty room down the hall, and will stay in there until she makes the final move out of the house into her apartment with David in May. i've shared a room for two years now...having one all to myself is hard to comprehend. but i'm sure my introverted, home-body nature will adapt to it just fine and wonder why i ever shared my nest with anyone ever. :P kidding. Missy made for a great roommate and i'll miss her a lot.
i registered for my last semester of undergrad last week. it's a full load, but i can't believe that i'll have enough knowledge by then to have a degree. people will actually be able to depend on me when i say "stand back ladies and gentlemen, have no fear...the psychologist is here." i'll need to hire someone for fan mail, make arrangements for public addresses, find a body guard...there's so much to do. (insert sitcom laugh) i clearly have more schooling to do before i am considered academically awesome by anyone, but still...undergrad is months from being over? unreal.
on a slightly heavier note, the past few months have been pretty rough for me spiritually. some significant decisions i've made have surfaced and shown how much they truly have reigned my heart...for years. not to get hyper-spiritual about the whole thing, but it really has felt like a battle inside of me between two forces. one tells me that i made a decision a long time ago that has set my path on a course of failure and misery, all thanks to following God. then the other force tells me that i made a decision a long time ago that has saved me from a life of stunted growth and mediocrity, and following God led me to that decision and is now leading me toward a better and more joyful life.
it has not been a battle of emotion. both sides bring joy and grief.
it has not been a battle of logic. both sides make great points (when you know the whole story).
it has not been a battle of stamina. both sides have had at it for years, and never tire.
it has not been a battle of actions. i've been making great decisions, and none of them stifle the noise of the war.
it has truly been a battle for my heart. for my soul. for my interpretations of my experiences (i wrote previously about those). for me.
the upper hand has ebbed and flowed between both forces, the darker of the two being more difficult to climb out of than the brighter, naturally. and the more i am aware of all the energy it takes to work with or against either force, i realize with an even deeper physics analogy...
that both have been centers of gravity that i take turns orbiting. both have been centers of my universe.
both have been my gods.
this is not to say that both God and Satan rule my life. this is to say that i have tried to jam God and my past onto the same throne. and i think i know why.
i have felt deeply known by both.
i have felt pursued in the darkness i was hiding in and was loved before i ever came into the light. they were loves that saved my life.
i'm being vague intentionally, so i apologize if you're trying to follow but have no idea what i'm talking about. maybe once i'm over this obstacle i can speak more openly.
but yes, all of this has reeked havoc on my spiritual and emotional state as of late. i've been emotional and impulsive in ways that i am usually quite level-headed in. i let anger completely throw me off course and ruin a perfectly good day. things either mean too much or don't mean enough to me. i once blogged about mental hypothermia...it's felt similar to that.
several people have encouraged counseling, to which i immediately felt reluctant. it felt like i was giving up, like i was weak. to need "professional help" sounds foreboding and slightly dramatic.
so says the girl who plans on being a Family and Marriage Counselor. bahahah. i had this QUICKLY pointed out to me, and was told that if i think that way about counseling it will negatively affect how i see my clients and will impede my overall career. point taken.
so counseling will most likely be in my near future. you won't get a complete run-down i assume, but i'll keep you posted. all in all, i do have hope. i do have peace in the midst of this distress.
things have felt unbearable, but i've never felt so full of potential.
i'm dealing with a huge past, but my future has never looked so bright.
my days have generally sucked, but my life has never been so good.
stay strong in your own battles, friend. i once heard this hopeful quote: "I truly believe all things end in good. So if it is not yet good, then it is not yet the end."
midnight. bed time.
love.
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