sometimes all i want is this:
and then i'll get over it and convince myself that i want to do more with my life before settling down. so i'll want these:
then i'll find more important priorities for this moment in my life and, instead, want this:
and ALWAYS, in my heart of hearts, wanting to BE this:
and when that doesn't work out, and i'm trying to feel good about where exactly i'm at in this world and in my life, i want all of this:
and as i try to accumulate all my desires and it slowly but surely reveals itself to be unsatisfactory, i'm wanting this again to find some peace:
and the entire thing becomes a cycle.
it is a cycle of want, want, want, want, want, i, i, i, i, i, i, i.
i somehow get caught up in the assumption that this life is my own, that this life is my blank canvas to splatter whatever paint i'd like on it. i am enchanted with "adventure" and "beauty" and "art" and my days are consumed with ideas on how to get all of those things. i spend most of my free time, money, and effort pursuing any/all of those images of happiness.
because all of that equals a significant life in my human mind.
because if any of that is missing in my life, and i live a life of wanting/loving it without having it, and others see me without it and assume that it was never a goal/love of mine, then they may not know me. and all i want in this world is to be known.
there's the fear. there's the adrenaline behind the gigantic, tangled chase that i constantly find myself in. the fear of being insignificant, overlooked, and therefore unwanted.
if you've read my blog AT ALL, you should guess where i'm going to say the calming of this fear is found.
in His arms.
when i let go of those wants, of those dreams, of those fears, He fills me up and offers what i need. and really, desires are only avenues through which we believe our needs will be met.
maybe my life can be all that it could be without any of those pictures being a reality for me.
maybe, just maybe, He really is enough.
3 comments:
I can relate! You don't need to lay down your desires for God . . . it is in relentless pursuit of pleasure that you find God--for He is the highest pleasure! Where do you think your desires came from? They are not bad! It is only in settling that you can falter. Don't settle, and you'll be pleased. Continue seeking, and you will continue finding.
i know i don't need to abandon those desires completely, because none of those things are bad in and of themselves. but when i chase them with my own agenda (which is what the bottom half of the blog describes), i'm no longer chasing Him, and i lose sight of His love for others in my life. in short, i cling to my life in order to keep it, rather than lose it in order to gain it. He shall give me the desires of my heart, whether they are packaged how i imagine or not, but pursuing them ravenously and fearfully is not Christlike in the least bit.
thanks for your honesty and for the reminders :)
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