few words could open me; you knew them all.

it's been awhile since my last blog, it feels.

i can seriously taste profound change coming my way. it's exciting and terrifying and freeing. it has a fight-or-flight feel to it.

some of that is guaranteed with this three-month internship at Lost Canyon coming up soon. my comfort zone will be non-existent and the service i'm doing feels as humble as it could get. i'm thinking i'll gain a courage i've been lacking while losing a pride i've been cultivating. He always knows what i need.

but some of that change is beyond my sight, and it's better that way. my mind has a way of spoiling things that should be left alone. better that things catch me by surprise and sweep me off my feet.

some change that has already come has been in our house. Missy is making the gradual move out of our room into the empty room down the hall, and will stay in there until she makes the final move out of the house into her apartment with David in May. i've shared a room for two years now...having one all to myself is hard to comprehend. but i'm sure my introverted, home-body nature will adapt to it just fine and wonder why i ever shared my nest with anyone ever. :P kidding. Missy made for a great roommate and i'll miss her a lot.

i registered for my last semester of undergrad last week. it's a full load, but i can't believe that i'll have enough knowledge by then to have a degree. people will actually be able to depend on me when i say "stand back ladies and gentlemen, have no fear...the psychologist is here." i'll need to hire someone for fan mail, make arrangements for public addresses, find a body guard...there's so much to do. (insert sitcom laugh) i clearly have more schooling to do before i am considered academically awesome by anyone, but still...undergrad is months from being over? unreal.

on a slightly heavier note, the past few months have been pretty rough for me spiritually. some significant decisions i've made have surfaced and shown how much they truly have reigned my heart...for years. not to get hyper-spiritual about the whole thing, but it really has felt like a battle inside of me between two forces. one tells me that i made a decision a long time ago that has set my path on a course of failure and misery, all thanks to following God. then the other force tells me that i made a decision a long time ago that has saved me from a life of stunted growth and mediocrity, and following God led me to that decision and is now leading me toward a better and more joyful life.

it has not been a battle of emotion. both sides bring joy and grief.

it has not been a battle of logic. both sides make great points (when you know the whole story).

it has not been a battle of stamina. both sides have had at it for years, and never tire.

it has not been a battle of actions. i've been making great decisions, and none of them stifle the noise of the war.

it has truly been a battle for my heart. for my soul. for my interpretations of my experiences (i wrote previously about those). for me.

the upper hand has ebbed and flowed between both forces, the darker of the two being more difficult to climb out of than the brighter, naturally. and the more i am aware of all the energy it takes to work with or against either force, i realize with an even deeper physics analogy...

that both have been centers of gravity that i take turns orbiting. both have been centers of my universe.

both have been my gods.

this is not to say that both God and Satan rule my life. this is to say that i have tried to jam God and my past onto the same throne. and i think i know why.

i have felt deeply known by both.

i have felt pursued in the darkness i was hiding in and was loved before i ever came into the light. they were loves that saved my life.

i'm being vague intentionally, so i apologize if you're trying to follow but have no idea what i'm talking about. maybe once i'm over this obstacle i can speak more openly.

but yes, all of this has reeked havoc on my spiritual and emotional state as of late. i've been emotional and impulsive in ways that i am usually quite level-headed in. i let anger completely throw me off course and ruin a perfectly good day. things either mean too much or don't mean enough to me. i once blogged about mental hypothermia...it's felt similar to that.

several people have encouraged counseling, to which i immediately felt reluctant. it felt like i was giving up, like i was weak. to need "professional help" sounds foreboding and slightly dramatic.

so says the girl who plans on being a Family and Marriage Counselor. bahahah. i had this QUICKLY pointed out to me, and was told that if i think that way about counseling it will negatively affect how i see my clients and will impede my overall career. point taken.

so counseling will most likely be in my near future. you won't get a complete run-down i assume, but i'll keep you posted. all in all, i do have hope. i do have peace in the midst of this distress.

things have felt unbearable, but i've never felt so full of potential.

i'm dealing with a huge past, but my future has never looked so bright.

my days have generally sucked, but my life has never been so good.

stay strong in your own battles, friend. i once heard this hopeful quote: "I truly believe all things end in good. So if it is not yet good, then it is not yet the end."

midnight. bed time.

love.

becoming Katelyn.

watching Becoming Jane has always been a bittersweet experience for me. in fact i am usually in tears by the end of it.

it's not necessarily the fact that Jane Austen ended up alone her entire life. it's the thought of greatness only coming out of such a life. Edgar Allan Poe, C.S. Lewis, even Christ...they all lived tragic and beautiful lives that have changed the world, some more than others clearly.

i've always wanted to change the world. even if no one ever knew it was me. i've always wanted greatness.

but i don't want to be alone.

i recently heard something along the lines of "God doesn't want you to change the world. He wants you to be who you are."

the real Jane Austen never attempted to elope with Mister LeFroy. she fell in love with a man who soon after died, and later refused the marriage proposal of a wealthy friend. she sought to live in the country, where she could write in peace. she died in her sister's arms at the age of 41 from tuberculosis.

she chose her solitude. and i will choose mine, if i feel so called.

and God will give me greatness as He so pleases, alone or not.

so end my thoughts on the subject. :)

Bebo, updates, and hymns.

take my time here on this earth

and let it glorify all that You are worth
for i have nothing, i have nothing
without You

this verse of Bebo Norman's song always speaks to my soul. it can be applied to my heart and life at any point in my walk with Christ...in times of gladness and times of despair. today it spoke to me during a time of regret and heartache. it reminds me that my life is not my own, and if it were, it would be worthless. that knowledge anchors me in Truth.

on a brighter note, i have some exciting adventures coming my way...

in a little under two months, i'll be here:


seeing them:


and though i didn't get the ropes internship at Lost Canyon i wanted, i was asked to be an intern in the kitchen! so in a little under three months, i'll be here:


making these:


and doing this:

and leading these:


but for now, i'll be with these:


and be as content as can be. :)

when Satan tempts me to despair
and tells me of the guilt within
upward i'll look, and see Him there
Who made and end of all my sin

adulthood is great. growing up sucks.

though blogging is a farely new concept for me, online journaling is not. i've been doing so for the past eight years.

one of the most bittersweet pastimes i can find myself in is going through those old entries. man.

i used to be so incredibly sure of myself. granted, i would fall on my butt every time reality showed up, but still...i miss that confidence.

i miss having the courage to say "i love you." i know we graduate from high school and grow up and talk all this big talk about how it was stupid to think we were old enough for that as teenagers, but i can't help missing that "i know everything" stage. life seemed so simple and limitless.

as God shows me what it means to be His disciple and to be an adult, i find myself going through the process of literally dying to myself over and over again. i can't have the salary i want with the job i'm called to? i can't be swept off my feet in the perfect way by the perfect guy? i can't feel like the most beautiful thing ever created every single moment of my life? people will fail me? leave me? reject me? i can't do what i want even if i jump through Your hoops?

i wish i could go back in time and tell myself what i know now...that within five years, the guy i'm saying "i love you" to will be off marrying someone else, and i'll never speak to him again. that within six years, i'll understand exactly why i felt restless and depressed most of the time, and that it is mostly because i was oddly comfortable in that state of mind. that within seven years, i'll not only let go of my cynicism toward society, but allow its broken suffering bring me to my knees in tears. that within eight years, i will have the same fears and struggles as i did back then, but i will learn to swallow my frustration and disappointment in myself to continue facing them and conquering them.

i wish i could've told myself that life is not something to react to but to actively choose on a daily basis.

at least i know now, right? hah.

of Lee Pace and swimming pools.

new look, title, font, and picture for da blog. you like?

friday nights are the only nights i can shamelessly stay up as long as i want. tonight's adventure included friends, Mexican food, and my first time experiencing Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day.


it's one of those movies that everyone recommended, but something kept me from wanting to see it until i was doing so alone. it was entirely worth it...i may or may not have cried. you'll never know. :) i think what i loved most about it is how i could relate to both Miss Pettigrew and Delysia; an old, weary soul and a flippant naive spirit. in the end, the weary finds hope and the flighty finds anchoring. satisfying indeed. also, i hate Lee Pace for obvious reasons.


...ugh.

anyway, i have a feeling 2011 is going to kick me in the pants. it already has, really. it's as if God is looking me in the eye, saying something along the lines of "you ready?"

me: "no. but go for it."

Tracey used the great picture of someone being pushed into the deep end of the swimming pool to learn how to swim. i like the shallow end...i always have my bearings, i can press my feet up against the floor to rest when i'm uncomfortable, and teaching others to swim is easy and systematic. yay. the deep end requires swimming even when i'm tired, and teaching others to swim feels hopeless because i'm struggling with it myself. nay.

"but go for it."

there's plenty to distract me from facing such discomfort and vulnerability. i have plenty of doors leading away from the challenge, and even have a few friends tempting me toward them unknowingly.

"but go for it."

because i am tired of my own plans falling short of the life i ache for...my arm cannot reach as far as my eye can see. i am tired of the fear i feel and the regret i avoid and the pain i bear when i consider the thought of my life in flawed hands. He calls me in. He shows me the next step. i swallow back a bad taste in my mouth and my heart starts quickening.

i have no reason to fear. i have no enemy to thwart me.

so i'll go for it.

my Friday night should probably end now.

love. :)

"if You say go, we will go; if You say wait, we will wait."

like i said, i didn't get the internship i wanted. but as of tonight, i might get an internship in a different area of Lost Canyon...the kitchen. i have literally never stepped more than twenty feet into that place in all of my years going to camp there. i have no experiences or memories to work off of. if i get this, it'll most likely be the most challenging three months of my life. dude, bring it. or don't, then i get to have a slightly more relaxing break from school. :) win-win.

in other news, having a schedule involving so many night classes is surprisingly less stressful than having them scattered throughout multiple days of the week. i have an entire week for those classes to read articles and study at my leisure. and i'm feeling nothing even close to senioritis. if anything, i'm more studious than ever. c'est tres intéressant.

also, our first Younglife club was so bomb. a lot of it had to do with how hard a bunch of us worked on putting together an awesome skit about leadership styles. even though i technically wrote it, i got the majority of my ideas from our team effort. the first of many, Club Planning team. the first of many.

these are all really awesome experiences that are blessings of mine during a trying time of the heart. it feels heavy-laden and weary. the air i breathe feels thick and my limbs feel heavy. even when i'm wide awake and get good rest, my spirit feels tired. oh well. i'm running the good race, keeping my eye on the prize.

hope you're doing the same, my friends.

of risks and beauty pageants.

so i didn't get the internship i applied for. two years in a row, haha. but i'm glad i tried, because it put me in the mindset of making this summer intentional...something that i need to pray about and plan for. that next level of leadership is going to meet me right where i am, not on top of a mountain.

i am also realizing that the wall i keep hitting when it comes to writing music is directly correlated with this wall i'm hitting with leadership. it's a boldness, a step into the unknown, it's taking a stand for something that others will want to challenge or turn down. it is making a choice and sticking with it. every single note, chord, word...a choice. leadership and music are both the type of risk i have done my best to avoid my entire life. of course God wants me to face them at the same time in the same respect. He's always pushing me in the deep end to teach me how to swim.

i have plenty of crappy feelings i have to swallow in order to keep a positive attitude about this. i feel the need to express that so that i don't come across as some beauty pageant contestant about life. do i feel like God's keeping me from things that i want, while dangling other things over my head that i could technically pursue but should not? yes, i feel that way. it feels like i'm ready for adventure and He's forcing me to stay put. it feels like the me i want to be is out of my reach because He closes door after door. i feel like my heart is blindly running through a maze and it hits wall after wall, leaving a bruise every time.

and yet everything i said in the previous paragraphs is true. this is the path for me. it is the best for me. God is strong enough, all-knowing enough, and loving enough to provide for me the life i was meant for. the foreign countries, the mountains, the everything else...it will have its time. hurts like hell without it now, but i trust Him enough to know He wants those things for me too.

time for bed. until next time...

"because i have a voice!"

i am on the cusp of discovering a hidden cave of potential inside of me. i know it, and others know it. i know it will change everything.

therefore, this movie came into my life at the perfect time...The King's Speech


it is a beautiful movie (clearly) about rising to the occasion and embracing the greatness that was meant for you. going through the excruciating process of facing yourself over and over, pushing through fear and weakness. i completely related to the king's short temper and "can't do it" attitude about the whole thing. i also love that it didn't have a perfect ending where he got over his obstacles perfectly and they were never an issue again; rather, he simply chose to not give up on himself. he chose the struggle instead of choosing to live a lesser life.

i definitely plan on seeing it again. you should too.

class time. later. :)

Come ye sinners, poor and needy.

these are the days when i feel like i really have something to give to God.

not my gifts or talents. those are already His, for He made them.

not my words or thoughts. He knew them before i had the brain to even create them.

my something to give is myself.

that's not to say my body, or even my soul. what's left if not any of those, you ask?

think of it [work with me] as oil that secretes through the skin. the residue of the flesh. the aftermath of the human condition.

i can give Him my interpretations of my experiences. sounds a lot like 'thoughts,' but thoughts are more instinctual and impulsive by definition. interpretations involve a higher consciousness, you could say.

i can give Him all the wedding/marriage/love dreams i instantly foster when i meet a great guy.

i can give Him the plans i silently organize in my mind to make my career look just the way i want it to.

i can give Him every false premise i have attempted to stand on in order to justify drastic means for beauty.

i can give Him the conclusions i make about myself and others after each and every musical session i partake in.

in those ways, i can give Him my interpretations of my experiences.

sometimes i let them accumulate. i let them sit around in my mind, so that i can stare at them when i crave a shot of happiness or peace. they become false hopes to which my heart clings.

come ye sinners, poor and needy
weak and wounded, sick and sore
Jesus ready, stands to save you
full of pity, love and power

then i get to a point like the one i'm at right now. i realize that such hopes let my heart drown rather than breathe. they are not hopes at all, but bars on a cage. i am not free to indulge in them, but am a slave to their taunts and their expectations.

come ye thirsty, come and welcome
God's free bounty, glorify
true belief and true repentance
every grace that brings you nigh

i barely have the strength to find in my heart a place where i feel i can meet with Him. i try my best to make it worthy of His presence. He always finds a way to meet me right where i'm at, catching me off guard and uncomfortably in the moment.

come ye weary, heavy-laden
bruised and broken by the fall
if you tarry until you're better
you will never come at all

and there we are, with all those secretive interpretations and clever ideas of mine right where we both can see them. i can't take my eyes off of them, not out of a residual desire but out of shame. they define me. they so evidently show the contrast between who i am and who stands before me. they reveal my petty, selfish, and glutenous nature when i am called to bigger and better things. they show the dirt i've scrubbed into my skin rather than the water i am offered.

i am given a choice. cage or freedom. dirt or water. my way or His way. and so with broken legs, i find a way to run to Him.

i will arise and go to Jesus
He will embrace me in His arms
and in the arms of my dear Savior
there are ten thousand charms

thank you Jesus for saving me from myself.

she is juniper and roses, she is amethyst and pearl.

here are a few changes coming my way...some are exciting, some not so much.

Tay is moving out in four days...going back to Tennessee. she's crazy excited and feels at peace with the decision, so like a good friend i'm happy for her. but still...lame. Guffey, thank you for introducing me to fashion i never thought i'd like, and inspiring me to have fun in ways that make me look like a fool. let's keep singing together. :)


Missy's getting married in five months. yeah okay. the entire house has done their best to soak in what that means and how things will change. it hit me the most when David thanked me for a gift that i got her. it was a bathing suit. he had absolutely nothing to do with it. but he thanked me because it made her happy. SURE. it takes some processing here and there when the changing of the times surfaces in unexpected ways, but Missy is the happiest i've ever seen her, and in some aspects, this parting of ways has led to a depth in our friendship we didn't have before. Watkins, turning into a Lauck doesn't change the fact that i can take you down when you deserve it. or that we look better together. or that this will always be your fam:


here's a more exciting venture coming my way, given that everything falls into place how i wish. i may spend my summer in Europe. specifically...

London, England.

Dublin, Ireland.
and Edinburgh, Scotland.

six weeks of traveling while finishing up college? please. :) i still have to work out the practicalities and finances, but i'm putting my mind to making this happen. it's time for a little more world in my life.

time for one of the last PörchLyfe sessions before Tay leaves. shisha and incense on the screened-in patio...go!

love. :)