on cultivating and grace.

my soul is being cultivated in this place.

that sounds lovely, right?

this is what you use to cultivate soil:

...it is not lovely.

it hurts. it prunes. it strips down. it disshovels. it is relentless toward areas of my heart that are set in their ways and begging to be left alone.

it means to make use of me, not to make me feel great.

it has my purpose in mind, not my pleasures.

and even though it feels like i hit wall after wall after wall with no breakthrough in sight, i know that i am being cultivated deeper and deeper into my being.

i have a feeling i am going to hit some form of a "rock bottom" in order to learn that i don't need my accomplishments or pleasing attributes to deserve worth or grace or to be wanted. i don't need to be a tan mountain goddess in order to fit in at Lost Canyon. i don't need to be the life of the party in order to be invited to the party. i don't need to be a chef in the making in order to be needed and wanted on Lost Canyon's kitchen staff.

i am not here because i am the most qualified person they could find. i am here because of who i am.

why i'm here = grace

the cultivating of my soul = grace

the pain and hardship that comes with that process = grace

i am here to be smacked in the face with the heart of God. and i am terrified.

i'd be lying if i said i'm not still trying to cling to the habits and thought patterns of my "past"...the me that thinks grace tastes like cherry cough syrup.

i wrote this years ago, and it applies to my life even more so now than it did back then:

"sometimes truth is facing the things we fear the most, only to find that their consequences aren't as devastating as we assumed. and the opposite of fear is love."

so there you have it.

i am safe, but not comfortable.

i am at peace, but not restful.

i am healing, but it is through breaking me down.

life is good, and i shall live it.

i'm off to go shower. thank you all for your support and prayers for me as i walk this narrow path.

the first five days.

i suck at adding pictures to my blog. they're so time-consuming and i never feel like i take pictures worth the effort. i'll push through one of these days.

i've been at Lost Canyon since Monday, and i already feel like i've been here a month.

my fellow interns and myself are all being super intentional about creating community together. we walk everywhere together, mix up the company so that we're always talking to someone fairly new in the group, and we encourage the crap out of each other in our work...i can't tell you how many of them have called me out by name to thank me for their breakfast or lunch. we've already scratched the surface of life stories and some of us have already cried together about struggles and fears. i can also see the intention in keeping things neutral between the guys and the girls...about 40% of the group is already dating someone anyway. five days and i already have a safe and loving family. what?!

some would say it's the magic of Lost Canyon. others would say it's because we've all gotten in the Summer Staff mentality of "doing life together" while working our @sses off. others might say it's because the Camp Staff did their best to hire the best applicants they received, so we're all bound to be likeable people.

i say it's God stirring up life-change in all of us. sure, that's the more epic and romantic way of looking at the chemistry between us, but you wouldn't believe some of the crazy ways a few of us got here. Sean in the Whistle Stop turned down an internship at Malibu to come here because she had a dream where God told her as clear as day that she needed to be in Arizona for the summer. Allie on the Ropes Course had no idea why she picked Arizona to apply for a Younglife camp position, but she did and now she's here. i was about to go home from visiting Missy in the hospital on New Years Eve when Tracey Beal randomly spouted out that i should apply for an internship again.

those are just a few of the crazy ways God planted the seed inside of all of us to be here in this moment together.

i can't wait to go on this journey with these people.

it's naptime, then shower time, then some sort of community time.

love and miss those of you who aren't here with me!

skeleton bones stand at the sound of eternity on the lips of the found.

over a month later! sorry, hah.

so i leave my home and my life in 30ish hours for the entire summer to Lost Canyon. it's guaranteed to be a positive experience but that doesn't make it any less daunting.

on top of that, i have quite the future ahead of me once i return.

to be aware that God has been growing you for something is a scary realization.

to be aware that you are ready for something significant is a scary realization.

to be aware that a chapter of your life is ending and another is beginning is a scary realization.

i fade in and out of this fear as i fade in and out of those realizations.

a close friend of mine spoke to me recently about a verse he "couldn't get off of him." i liked that imagery, and i think that led to why i feel the same way about it now. it's Matthew 10:27.

I tell you these things in the dark, but I want you to tell them in the light. What you hear whispered in your ear you should shout from the rooftops.

i know this is the light in which i must speak, and these are the rooftops on which i must shout. because i know that the darkest times of my past were meant for this. His solace for my soul that brought me back to life in those moments were meant for this.

one of my best friends got married yesterday. i saw her go through extreme excitement, then suddenly feel anxious within that excitement, then go back to pure excitement. in the end, she experienced the happiest day of her life thus far. i totally get that.

there will be time to blog.

there will be time to take pictures.

i'll still be here. :)

alright, it's time to start doing laundry for this thing.

thank you all for shaping me into a person worthy of the call. :) love you beyond belief.

personality tests and lies.

this is the first blog in awhile that hasn't been the result of an insomniac mental trail. hah.

i can't believe we're getting close to being halfway through 2011. years feel shorter as you get older.

but that's beside the point.

this past weekend was Younglife's annual leader retreat, and i could feel the intention and the heart behind everything the adult leaders did with/for us. i even got to lead a section of the day, and what came out of that experience (my own and others') is what will be the focus of this blog.

Beasley showed me a personality test she loves awhile back, and i took it and felt like i was staring at a personalized description of myself when i got the results back. they were scary-accurate. and the best/worst part was that all of my crap and struggles were right there in front of my face, including advice on how to work on them. the analysis section of the test describes how different personalities lead, how they follow, how they handle conflict and how they measure success...EVERYTHING a leadership team needs to know about themselves and each other. i knew the minute that the leadership retreat was being discussed that i needed to pitch the test to the leaders in charge. they loved the idea and let me head it up.

so i typed out the test, administered it to our team, and we discussed what their results meant. there was laughter, there was awe, there was instant vulnerability. here's what happened that i had earnestly prayed for, but still caught me off-guard about when it actually became a reality:

• my leaders gracefully entered into their vulnerability, and owned their identity.
• my leaders verbally expressed how broken their weaknesses made them feel, and without a second thought, other leaders verbally affirmed wonderful things about that leader that made them a beautiful and necessary asset to our team.
• my leaders kept their tests safe, and kept the letters that represented their personalities constantly in conversation (which tells me they were genuinely listening and applying it).
• my leaders found new ways to enjoy one another based on their new enlightenment on how that person is wired.
• my leaders let me make them feel like crap, and grew from it right before my eyes.
• my leaders, in their vulnerability, were leaders.

i have never been so proud of my beautiful team. Christ ALWAYS shows up when you give Him the reigns to a situation.

so that entire weekend experience brought to mind a thought that i've had before about what walking with Christ looks like. it can be extremely easy to view God as the voice in our heads that makes us feel better about ourselves when Satan makes us feel like crap.

YOU'RE UGLY! No you are not, you are My beautiful child.

YOUR WORK ADDS UP TO NOTHING! It adds up to everything, because it is for My powerful will for the world.

YOU'LL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH! I loved you and died for you and chose you before I created the world. You are all I want.

these are classic battles that i've faced and many others seem to have faced as well, and i am in no way saying that these are invalid.

but if you think all God is going to whisper in your ear is stuff that makes you feel better when you feel down about yourself, you've entangled yourself in significant self-deception that is crippling your growth and development.

because Satan's lies aren't all going to hurt your feelings...

LIFE IS WHAT YOU MAKE OF IT! My way is the only way worth following.

DON'T BE FRIENDS WITH PEOPLE WHO HURT YOU! You hurt people too. Forgive.

YOU EARN WHAT YOU GET AND YOU DESERVE WHAT YOU EARN! Everything is a gift from Me.

FOLLOW YOUR HEART! Follow Me, for I know your heart best.

...and God's truths aren't all going to make you feel great. i saw that this weekend. i've also seen friends avoid hard truths because they blindly believe that God's voice is always the one that validates their best qualities. they believe spiritual battles mean that Satan makes you sad and God makes you happy.

that may be one of the worst lies about God i've ever heard, or seen someone believe.

i believe Truth looks a lot like the results from that personality test. here's an example of what my dominant characteristic is described as:

"D" Behavior

Basic Motivation: Challenge and Control

Desires: Freedom from control, authority, varied activities, choices (rather than ultimatums)

Responds Best to Leader or Follower Who: Provides direct answers, sticks to a task, gets to the point, provides pressure, allows freedom for personal accomplishments

Needs to Learn: You need people, relaxation is not a crime, some controls are needed, everyone has a boss, self-control is most important, to focus on finishing well is important, sensitivity to people's feelings is wise.

there it is. Truth.

here's reality, here are your weaknesses that come with that reality, and here are things you can work on to utilize your strengths better.

no fluffy insides, no warm fuzzy feelings, no watered-down abstract "we're all sinners" schpeal on how flaws don't matter.

here's where you are on the map, and here are some steps you can start taking toward growth.

that is so incredibly the voice of God...when you are broken and yet held together with hope from just one sentence, just one truth.

so if you're listening for warm and positive thoughts from God to come your way, i'd have to argue that you aren't seeking Truth. you're seeking endorphines.

depending on the stage of life you're in, you may need to be reminded of God's love a lot more than others, and i understand that.

but i would challenge all of you to think about the last time the voice of God pulled the rug out from under your feet...the last time He revealed your weaknesses and then proceeded to tell you to do even more than you could do when you felt strong...the last time it was God that made you feel like crap.

if it's been awhile, i'd process through why that is.

if it was this weekend up in Flag with me, words can't describe how proud i am of you.

:)

few words could open me; you knew them all.

it's been awhile since my last blog, it feels.

i can seriously taste profound change coming my way. it's exciting and terrifying and freeing. it has a fight-or-flight feel to it.

some of that is guaranteed with this three-month internship at Lost Canyon coming up soon. my comfort zone will be non-existent and the service i'm doing feels as humble as it could get. i'm thinking i'll gain a courage i've been lacking while losing a pride i've been cultivating. He always knows what i need.

but some of that change is beyond my sight, and it's better that way. my mind has a way of spoiling things that should be left alone. better that things catch me by surprise and sweep me off my feet.

some change that has already come has been in our house. Missy is making the gradual move out of our room into the empty room down the hall, and will stay in there until she makes the final move out of the house into her apartment with David in May. i've shared a room for two years now...having one all to myself is hard to comprehend. but i'm sure my introverted, home-body nature will adapt to it just fine and wonder why i ever shared my nest with anyone ever. :P kidding. Missy made for a great roommate and i'll miss her a lot.

i registered for my last semester of undergrad last week. it's a full load, but i can't believe that i'll have enough knowledge by then to have a degree. people will actually be able to depend on me when i say "stand back ladies and gentlemen, have no fear...the psychologist is here." i'll need to hire someone for fan mail, make arrangements for public addresses, find a body guard...there's so much to do. (insert sitcom laugh) i clearly have more schooling to do before i am considered academically awesome by anyone, but still...undergrad is months from being over? unreal.

on a slightly heavier note, the past few months have been pretty rough for me spiritually. some significant decisions i've made have surfaced and shown how much they truly have reigned my heart...for years. not to get hyper-spiritual about the whole thing, but it really has felt like a battle inside of me between two forces. one tells me that i made a decision a long time ago that has set my path on a course of failure and misery, all thanks to following God. then the other force tells me that i made a decision a long time ago that has saved me from a life of stunted growth and mediocrity, and following God led me to that decision and is now leading me toward a better and more joyful life.

it has not been a battle of emotion. both sides bring joy and grief.

it has not been a battle of logic. both sides make great points (when you know the whole story).

it has not been a battle of stamina. both sides have had at it for years, and never tire.

it has not been a battle of actions. i've been making great decisions, and none of them stifle the noise of the war.

it has truly been a battle for my heart. for my soul. for my interpretations of my experiences (i wrote previously about those). for me.

the upper hand has ebbed and flowed between both forces, the darker of the two being more difficult to climb out of than the brighter, naturally. and the more i am aware of all the energy it takes to work with or against either force, i realize with an even deeper physics analogy...

that both have been centers of gravity that i take turns orbiting. both have been centers of my universe.

both have been my gods.

this is not to say that both God and Satan rule my life. this is to say that i have tried to jam God and my past onto the same throne. and i think i know why.

i have felt deeply known by both.

i have felt pursued in the darkness i was hiding in and was loved before i ever came into the light. they were loves that saved my life.

i'm being vague intentionally, so i apologize if you're trying to follow but have no idea what i'm talking about. maybe once i'm over this obstacle i can speak more openly.

but yes, all of this has reeked havoc on my spiritual and emotional state as of late. i've been emotional and impulsive in ways that i am usually quite level-headed in. i let anger completely throw me off course and ruin a perfectly good day. things either mean too much or don't mean enough to me. i once blogged about mental hypothermia...it's felt similar to that.

several people have encouraged counseling, to which i immediately felt reluctant. it felt like i was giving up, like i was weak. to need "professional help" sounds foreboding and slightly dramatic.

so says the girl who plans on being a Family and Marriage Counselor. bahahah. i had this QUICKLY pointed out to me, and was told that if i think that way about counseling it will negatively affect how i see my clients and will impede my overall career. point taken.

so counseling will most likely be in my near future. you won't get a complete run-down i assume, but i'll keep you posted. all in all, i do have hope. i do have peace in the midst of this distress.

things have felt unbearable, but i've never felt so full of potential.

i'm dealing with a huge past, but my future has never looked so bright.

my days have generally sucked, but my life has never been so good.

stay strong in your own battles, friend. i once heard this hopeful quote: "I truly believe all things end in good. So if it is not yet good, then it is not yet the end."

midnight. bed time.

love.

becoming Katelyn.

watching Becoming Jane has always been a bittersweet experience for me. in fact i am usually in tears by the end of it.

it's not necessarily the fact that Jane Austen ended up alone her entire life. it's the thought of greatness only coming out of such a life. Edgar Allan Poe, C.S. Lewis, even Christ...they all lived tragic and beautiful lives that have changed the world, some more than others clearly.

i've always wanted to change the world. even if no one ever knew it was me. i've always wanted greatness.

but i don't want to be alone.

i recently heard something along the lines of "God doesn't want you to change the world. He wants you to be who you are."

the real Jane Austen never attempted to elope with Mister LeFroy. she fell in love with a man who soon after died, and later refused the marriage proposal of a wealthy friend. she sought to live in the country, where she could write in peace. she died in her sister's arms at the age of 41 from tuberculosis.

she chose her solitude. and i will choose mine, if i feel so called.

and God will give me greatness as He so pleases, alone or not.

so end my thoughts on the subject. :)

Bebo, updates, and hymns.

take my time here on this earth

and let it glorify all that You are worth
for i have nothing, i have nothing
without You

this verse of Bebo Norman's song always speaks to my soul. it can be applied to my heart and life at any point in my walk with Christ...in times of gladness and times of despair. today it spoke to me during a time of regret and heartache. it reminds me that my life is not my own, and if it were, it would be worthless. that knowledge anchors me in Truth.

on a brighter note, i have some exciting adventures coming my way...

in a little under two months, i'll be here:


seeing them:


and though i didn't get the ropes internship at Lost Canyon i wanted, i was asked to be an intern in the kitchen! so in a little under three months, i'll be here:


making these:


and doing this:

and leading these:


but for now, i'll be with these:


and be as content as can be. :)

when Satan tempts me to despair
and tells me of the guilt within
upward i'll look, and see Him there
Who made and end of all my sin

adulthood is great. growing up sucks.

though blogging is a farely new concept for me, online journaling is not. i've been doing so for the past eight years.

one of the most bittersweet pastimes i can find myself in is going through those old entries. man.

i used to be so incredibly sure of myself. granted, i would fall on my butt every time reality showed up, but still...i miss that confidence.

i miss having the courage to say "i love you." i know we graduate from high school and grow up and talk all this big talk about how it was stupid to think we were old enough for that as teenagers, but i can't help missing that "i know everything" stage. life seemed so simple and limitless.

as God shows me what it means to be His disciple and to be an adult, i find myself going through the process of literally dying to myself over and over again. i can't have the salary i want with the job i'm called to? i can't be swept off my feet in the perfect way by the perfect guy? i can't feel like the most beautiful thing ever created every single moment of my life? people will fail me? leave me? reject me? i can't do what i want even if i jump through Your hoops?

i wish i could go back in time and tell myself what i know now...that within five years, the guy i'm saying "i love you" to will be off marrying someone else, and i'll never speak to him again. that within six years, i'll understand exactly why i felt restless and depressed most of the time, and that it is mostly because i was oddly comfortable in that state of mind. that within seven years, i'll not only let go of my cynicism toward society, but allow its broken suffering bring me to my knees in tears. that within eight years, i will have the same fears and struggles as i did back then, but i will learn to swallow my frustration and disappointment in myself to continue facing them and conquering them.

i wish i could've told myself that life is not something to react to but to actively choose on a daily basis.

at least i know now, right? hah.

of Lee Pace and swimming pools.

new look, title, font, and picture for da blog. you like?

friday nights are the only nights i can shamelessly stay up as long as i want. tonight's adventure included friends, Mexican food, and my first time experiencing Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day.


it's one of those movies that everyone recommended, but something kept me from wanting to see it until i was doing so alone. it was entirely worth it...i may or may not have cried. you'll never know. :) i think what i loved most about it is how i could relate to both Miss Pettigrew and Delysia; an old, weary soul and a flippant naive spirit. in the end, the weary finds hope and the flighty finds anchoring. satisfying indeed. also, i hate Lee Pace for obvious reasons.


...ugh.

anyway, i have a feeling 2011 is going to kick me in the pants. it already has, really. it's as if God is looking me in the eye, saying something along the lines of "you ready?"

me: "no. but go for it."

Tracey used the great picture of someone being pushed into the deep end of the swimming pool to learn how to swim. i like the shallow end...i always have my bearings, i can press my feet up against the floor to rest when i'm uncomfortable, and teaching others to swim is easy and systematic. yay. the deep end requires swimming even when i'm tired, and teaching others to swim feels hopeless because i'm struggling with it myself. nay.

"but go for it."

there's plenty to distract me from facing such discomfort and vulnerability. i have plenty of doors leading away from the challenge, and even have a few friends tempting me toward them unknowingly.

"but go for it."

because i am tired of my own plans falling short of the life i ache for...my arm cannot reach as far as my eye can see. i am tired of the fear i feel and the regret i avoid and the pain i bear when i consider the thought of my life in flawed hands. He calls me in. He shows me the next step. i swallow back a bad taste in my mouth and my heart starts quickening.

i have no reason to fear. i have no enemy to thwart me.

so i'll go for it.

my Friday night should probably end now.

love. :)

"if You say go, we will go; if You say wait, we will wait."

like i said, i didn't get the internship i wanted. but as of tonight, i might get an internship in a different area of Lost Canyon...the kitchen. i have literally never stepped more than twenty feet into that place in all of my years going to camp there. i have no experiences or memories to work off of. if i get this, it'll most likely be the most challenging three months of my life. dude, bring it. or don't, then i get to have a slightly more relaxing break from school. :) win-win.

in other news, having a schedule involving so many night classes is surprisingly less stressful than having them scattered throughout multiple days of the week. i have an entire week for those classes to read articles and study at my leisure. and i'm feeling nothing even close to senioritis. if anything, i'm more studious than ever. c'est tres intéressant.

also, our first Younglife club was so bomb. a lot of it had to do with how hard a bunch of us worked on putting together an awesome skit about leadership styles. even though i technically wrote it, i got the majority of my ideas from our team effort. the first of many, Club Planning team. the first of many.

these are all really awesome experiences that are blessings of mine during a trying time of the heart. it feels heavy-laden and weary. the air i breathe feels thick and my limbs feel heavy. even when i'm wide awake and get good rest, my spirit feels tired. oh well. i'm running the good race, keeping my eye on the prize.

hope you're doing the same, my friends.